Q: Does Ron think the Mayas accurately predicted the end of the world to come on December 21, 2012? If so, what does he plan to do about it?

A: The simple answer -- i.e. the one Brad understands -- is no. Ron does not believe the Mayas had a solid enough dialog with Itzamna, the chief deity of their religious pantheon, plus an accurate enough time-recording system to pull off a prognostication like this one. "It's absurd," Ron once said. "Only a simpleton like Brad would believe this kind of hokum. We humans will be fine and dandy for at least another thousand years or so. F*ck the Mayas!" So, what to do with this new (extended) perspective on life? How should we of the modern age...

Q: Does Ron's mustache make him more likely to commit crimes?

A: Short answer: No. Short answer with more letters: Maybe. Look, Ron's mustache is not captured by this simplistic graphic. Ron's mustache is unique to itself. It is an entity. It cannot be quantified. We know Ron has the capacity to love and drink beer and want to change the world for the better. But we are also aware of Ron's many foibles and propensity to lash out in anger. This chart is more for the casual mustache person. A man -- or perhaps an Eastern European woman -- can gauge his potential tendency to do good or evil....

Q: If Brad falls in the woods, does he make a sound?

A: This question has vexed philosophers since Socrates wondered if when he drank wine whether his wife made too much noise? Ontologically, Brad's fall creates vibrations of air molecule that ears detect and people interpret as "sound" or "noise." The eternal question has been, if there is no one around to detect the vibration molecules, is any noise created? In this case, Brad hears his own fall, and thus he makes noise. However, if Brad was pushed over by Evil Steve, then Brad's fall sounds more like a "thump." There is also the question of whether Brad's fall makes not...

Q: Is it true that Ron has secretly been the lover of Hillary Clinton, and that is why she doesn't care that her husband is a *@&%!#@ @$^*!?g?

-- Charles Manson Leavenworth A: You've confused this Ron with Ron Howard, formerly "Richie" on the hit TV series "Happy Days". Ron would never ally himself with the Biblical Whore Of Babylon...

Q: Is it true that Ron's upper lip was horribly disfigured in a horrible childhood accident involving Popsicles, a ferret, three snakes and a box of spiders? Could you enlighten us on this issue? Inquiring minds want to know.

A: Yes. Although this sounds like an ordinary urban legend, it's completely true. He has lived with this disfiguring "scar" ever since he joined that Civil War Society back in '87. The incident happened in his tent at Gettysburg while he was waxing his legs before the big battle....

Q: What is the sound of one Ron clapping?

A: Ron feels that applause is beneath him. He considers it self-inflicting manual labor. He avoids it at all costs. But he does appreciate being on the receiving end of clapping. His rallies are testaments to that...the people love him! They show their love through applause, alcohol, and the tossing of undergarments....

Q: What, if any, is Ron's affiliation with The Ronettes?

A: The pop group known as The Ronettes consisted of Veronica Bennett (later known as Ronnie Spector), her older sister Estelle Bennett, and their cousin Nedra Talley. They were produced by the legendary and enigmatic Phil Spector. Spector was always searching for new musical acts, gimmicks, and stylish influences. With The Ronettes, he found an all-girl trio with big voices and great elegance. At the same time he started experimenting with sculpting his facial hair. He felt a mustache gave him mystical powers. When he started writing and producing hit records, he stuck with the look. In 1963 The Ronettes...

Q: Why is it that every single place I go smells like boogers?

A: Check your mustache. If you're not careful about grooming and pruning, it will get caked all over with boogers. Logically, since your plumage is located right below your nose, and your nose is a source of boogers, you will smell these boogers all the time if it is not properly upkept....