Clean

I thought I prefer to see his face
With no beard nor mustache;

But when I saw him,
I knew I was wrong;

And all the ideas of him
Was gone from my head
I knew I was seeing the man that he is;
The raw, the 2 AM version of him
Is standing right in front of my very eyes

But I still got razor in my hand
And a cream;
I was waiting for my turn,
But when he came to me,

I just stared at him like an idiot,
Smiling,
Throwing a glance on his pretty **** eyes
Admiring the mess in his baffling face.

- Lena Bitare (@hellopoetry.com)

Poem

Socially Conscious Pornography

We've socially conscious biography,
Esthetics, and social geography.
Today every field
Boasts its Marxian yield,
So now there's class-conscious pornography.

Oh, the worker is nobody's fool,
For by rights he's the man with the tool.
His ponderous prick'll
Arise with the sickle,
And bugger the Fascists who rule.

Miss de Vaughan was a maker of panties
For all girls from subdebs to grand-aunties.
Her very best ad
Was herself, lightly clad
In her three-ninety-five silken scanties.

So this wench is a capitalist,
She's our villain and ought to be hissed.
But she's lush and she's plump,
And a glimpse of her rump
Would teach Marx that there's something he's missed.

Now de Vaughan had resolved on a lock-out
To give Communist Labor the knock-out.
She said, "Fuck the foul fools."
(She'd attended good schools),
And took a fresh bottle of Hock out.

Joseph Smith was a sturdy longshoreman
(And an eminent amateur whoreman).
Just to be sympathetic
He grew peripatetic,
'Til his picketing irked de Vaughan's doorman.

For this lout was a scab born and bred,
Who fainted whene'er he saw red:
In distress he reported,
But she only retorted,
"Run home and hide under your bed."

For her plans were peculiar and wicked,
As she thought, "He's a man, if a picket."
She lured him inside
And insidiously plied
The prick of the picket to lick it.

Joe's rod was stiff as a rail,
But he couldn't let principles fail.
"You degenerate bitch,
That's a trick of the rich;
But the people prefer honest tail."

"You may tickle the cocks and the vanities
Of the rich men who purchase your scanities,
But the proud People's front
Calls for sound hairy cunt.
So it's down with de Vaughan's panty-wanities."

He picked a soft couch in her office,
And tore off her pants and ripped off his.
Then he showed her the rod
Marks the difference, by God,
Between what a man and a toff is.

Now our Joe was the first proletarian
Who had filled with his sperm the ovarian
Recess of de Vaughan,
Which had sheltered the spawn
Of unnumbered Fascists, all Aryan.

Next day his friends said, "You've been soaring,
You're dead on your feet. Were you whoring?"
He replied, "Starving masses
Mean more than plump asses.
Last night from within I was boring."

And de Vaughan thought her troubles were over,
Her picket had left (to recover),
But he'd furnished her womb
With incipient bloom:
A fact she had yet to discover.

So after nine months, to the day,
The employer in labor pains lay.
As the boy hove in sight
He yelled, "WORKERS UNITE!"
And the doctors all fainted away.

The moral of this is, my child,
By rich promises don't be beguiled.
Remember that workers
Are eminent firkers,
And go left, if you must be defiled.

@jokes2go.com

Poem

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus 3 times the square root of 4,
Divided by 7,
Plus 5 times 11,
Is 9 squared, and not a bit more.

- Leigh Mercer

Poem

Integral z-squared dz,
From 1 to the cube root of 3,
Times the cosine,
Of 3 pi over 9,
Equals log of the cube root of e.

- Joel E Cohen and Betsy Devine

Poem

Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

"Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day from Ron!

Poem

Violets are blue
Roses are red
We're doing this backwards
That's what she said!

@hexjam.com

Poem

A fellow who drank to excess
Got to work in a state of undress:
Wore no shirt and no shoes,
Had a briefcase of booze
And, quite tipsy, said "Dress to impress."

(Madeleine Begun Kane) @madkane.com

Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and poor Momma went dry

Up to the window I sprang like an elf
Tore back the shade while she played with herself

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub
Just as Santa leaned out and barfed on my shrub

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter
As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore

That was some brothel, he said with a smile
The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find
And a sixpack of panties, the edible kind

A bra without nipples, a penis extension
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil

This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split

He filled every stocking and then took his leave
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

@thejokeyard

Poem

A weather man predicted snow
But he didn’t get it right
So the female anchor on the show
Asked to our delight
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches!
You promised me last night?"

@peculiar-poetry

Poem

In honor of World Toilet Day, Ron has composed a haiku to support DefeatDD -- an initiative combating diarrheal diseases from the global health nonprofit PATH.

When you have to go,
It's damn important to know,
You won't be in woe.

Poem

Good news: I just came into
a large amount of money.
Bad news: I'm no longer allowed
to tour the Federal Reserve Bank.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Saw an empty package of kale chips
on the ground and now I want to know
what kind of crappy hippy insists
on eating kale chips but litters?

(R.M. Weiner) @ruminate.com

Poem

I wouldn’t have paid that much
for a lap dance if I knew she was
going to do the Chicken Dance.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn't even stop to thankera.

Boris Johnson -- UK Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs

Poem

I got kicked out of my charades club
for "gratuitous" nudity. But without
disrobing and flopping, how would
anybody have guessed "Elephant Man?"

(Dan Burt) @ruminate.com

Poem

Saw a headline: "Scandal Rocks Vatican."
If the Pope really wants to appeal
to young people, he needs to
get newer bands than that.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

My mother used to tell me you can't
put a price on love. Then again, she
had lousy business sense for a hooker.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Poem

Hey, People Magazine! Unless you're worried
about angry letters from necrophiliacs,
you can just say "Sexiest Man."

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Poem

This Democratic primary is playing out like a zombie flick.
Even if you love the girl, eventually you have to admit she's the Walking Dead.
Let's put a stake through her heart before she kills again.

(Mitch Kobriger) @ruminate.com

Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas and all
through the house, not a creature was
stirring due to the carbon monoxide being
given off by the defective space heater.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

They shouldn't call them farts,
they should call them assertations.

(Travis Ruetenik) @ruminate.com

Poem

Word to the wise: Never take a small pet
into an ethnic restaurant. And by "small pet,"
I mean "prostitute." And by "ethnic restaurant,"
I mean "family Thanksgiving dinner."

(Brian Bell) @ruminate.com

Poem

Can Hillary Clinton generate broad support in
2016? Wait, I didn't mean it that way. I mean:
Will broads support Hillary Clinton in 2016?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

Can Hillary Clinton generate broad support in
2016? Wait, I didn't mean it that way. I mean:
Will broads support Hillary Clinton in 2016?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

There sure are a lot of safety issues
to worry about when you have a new baby.
Like what if it's really just a midget
posing as a baby so he can feel
up your wife and take your stuff?

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

One anatomically correct snowman and the whole neighborhood committee comes down on you

Poem

I figured nothing says "Thank you"
like a few nude photos. Apparently,
though, the priest who married us
would have preferred a simple card.

(Lori Petterson) @ruminate.com

Poem

In honor of National Limerick Day:

An old porn star named Ron from Bayside
When asked of his skills, thus replied:
'Tis not the length or the size
Nor the angle of rise
But the delight of the mustache ride

Poem

Mustaches come in a variety of ways
Some date back to even pre-historic days
Just clinging to the lip or all over the chin
They adorn an otherwise ordinary grin!

Poem

If they had taught abstinence back
when I was in school, I would've aced
it and screwed up the grading curve

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Maybe if we made kids color inside
the lines instead of allowing this
expressionist BS, they'd be able to
park in a space when they grew up.

(R.M. Weiner) @ruminate.com

Poem

Apparently, making love to your gin and tonic
will get you thrown out of most bars, if
not arrested. Thanks for nothing, Billy Joel.

(R.M. Weiner) @ruminate.com

Poem

Took the kids up to Nantucket one
weekend for the Limerick Festival.
Boy, was that a mistake.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was visited by three ghosts this Christmas.
They were all family members, and technically
they were all still alive, but I just find it
comforting to imagine they're already deceased.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Some of my neighbors have commented
that the creative positioning of holiday
figurines in my yard is vulgar and
sacrilegious. I, however, would like
to think the more enlightened of them
would appreciate my "pre-Nativity" display.

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Poem

Talk about dedication to one's craft:
The Mayor of Toronto is a foul-mouthed,
drunken crack smoker accused of sexual
harassment -- yet Justin Bieber STILL
manages to be the most hated Canadian ever.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Life is constantly screwing with me.
The day before yesterday, it gave me
lemons. Yesterday it gave me tequila.
Then today it gave me Splenda.
WTF am I supposed to do with Splenda?

(Marco C.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I bet it pisses off the Lenape Indians when
they see how many beads drunk girls get
at Mardi Gras just for showing their tits.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Question authority -- but
use enhanced interrogation
techniques only as a last resort.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think the ugly chick behind me
just farted. At least that's what
I told the hot chick in front of me.

(Marco C.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm having a philosophical debate
with this cute barmaid: She likes to
think of my glass as half full, and
I like to think of her as half naked.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think there'd be a lot more Christians if Jesus
had spoken more plainly. For instance, when he said,
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,"
it would have been a lot easier to understand if he
had just said, "It's okay to have sex with hookers."

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Poem

A friend of mine was complaining about
his nutgrass and I didn't know whether
to recommend a urologist or a landscaper.

(Dan Burt) @ruminate.com

Poem

I can't seem to narrow down the exact
point at which my delusions of grandeur
turned into delusions of adequacy.

(Marco C.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I never liked the term "family jewels."
It implies that the rest of my kin have
a share in my testicles. They don't,
though -– I have a strict rule about that.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think the strongest argument in favor of
intelligent design is that every time you
poop, it comes out looking like poop, never
something random like a flower or a hedgehog.

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Poem

I hate winter. By the time spring
arrives, my nipples have worn holes
through all my favorite shirts.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

As much as there is no "I" in team, the next
time management demands the workers do some
stupid and demeaning job, they will find that
"M & E" are down at the bar watching "T & A."

(Douglas Jeffery) @ruminate.com

Poem

I shot a man in Reno, but didn't stick around to
watch him die. That's how Johnny Cash got caught.

(Dwight Burke) @ruminate.com

Poem

The Perfect Woman: She gets a box that
says "de Beers" on it, and is disappointed
to find it only has diamonds in it.

(Travis Ruetenik) @ruminate.com

Poem

If I were Superman, I think I'd just fight
for truth, justice and the Canadian way.
That seems easier. All I'd ever have to do
is break up an occasional hockey fight, and
make sure criminals say everything twice.
Once in English, and then again in French.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was bitten by a radioactive grandmother
and turned into Doily-Man. My costume is
disgustingly see-through and my superpower
seems to be mega-hyper sexual abstinence.

(James Knowles) @ruminate.com

Poem

Some people have preconceived ideas about
ex-con addict/alcoholics with no job, but
let me tell you: It also has its dark side.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's sad to think that kids of today's generation
probably have no idea that Prince used to be
known as "the artist formerly known as Prince."

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Poem

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
Get a man hammered on Jagermeister at the company
holiday party and you can talk him into eating
tropical fish from the reception room aquarium.

(Tristan Fabriani) @ruminate.com

Poem

5> Family visit!
Mulling whether to dress up
or open a vein.

4> "Legolas" my ass!
Get back to your workstation,
stupid little elf.

3> I drum for Mistress.
My reward: "Come," she tells me.
Pa-rum-pa-pum-PUM!

2> "Reindeer games," you say?
Stop picking on Rudolph NOW,
you reindeer bullies!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Holiday Season Haiku...

1> Maxed out my credit,
children still hated their gifts.
Shalom! Now we're Jews!

Poem

You won't find the answers to life's
problems at the bottom of a bottle. You
get to them through the opening at the top.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

Whenever people say "If you're going to
move to a new country, learn the language!"
I just stay quiet. I would say something, but
I don't know the Cherokee word for "irony."

(Carl Knorr) @ruminate.com

Poem

My wife wasn't too thrilled to open her Bible and
discover penciled-in Commandment 7a: "(However, when
thou art traveling on business, thou shalt heed the
sage advice of My musical apostle, Stephen Stills.)"

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Poem

This is a poem for Elvis,
Do you remember the man, who was no idler in moving his pelvis?
He rolled and he rocked,
But by his sudden death the whole world was shocked.

I think, he's a fool, I'm sorry to say,
But nobody as successful as him should die this way!
He asked "Are you lonesome tonight?"
And walked in "Kentucky Rain", oh, how we cried!

But Elvis also was the King of Rock and Roll.
He sang "Jailhouse Rock" -- just wonderful!
This is the tribute, of a young and humble fan,
I'm going to visit his grave as soon as I can!

- Marissa Conrady

Poem

That was cool, huh huh
when we killed that frog, huh huh
it won't croak again

- Butt-Head

Poem

If I ever open my own business, it'll be
a hybrid between a massage parlor and a
sperm bank. I mean, why waste the byproduct?

(Lori Petterson) @ruminate.com

Poem

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I wouldn't, however, suggest doing the same
for those times when life gives you shit.

(Abhishek Aiyar) @ruminate.com

Poem

In the winter Phil comes out
To see a shadow or not about,
I hope we have cold weather
for the next six weeks.
It will be good for snow
To sled with rosy cheeks

- Anthony (St. John the Beloved School in Wilmington, Delaware)

At 7:25 AM EST on February 2, 2011 Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow, predicting an early spring.

The question is: Did Ron even leave the house today? Will he have seen his shadow?

Poem

A restaurant can get my business every day for
the next month by promising not to play Christmas
music over their speakers and that the staff won't
wish me a merry or happy anything or offer me any
greetings that could be considered seasonal in
nature. Also, the waitresses should be topless.

(Anthony Myers) @ ruminate.com

Poem

A good rule of thumb for choosing a neighborhood:
The ratio of bookstores to pro-wrestling training
schools should be greater than or equal to 1:1.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

After 40 years in an abusive relationship, I
finally found the courage to tell myself to f**k off.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

"She"

She smiles
And I undress her with my eyes
She laughs
And I’m naked with her
She looks at me
And my heart pounds
She smiles at me
And I orgasm
I really must get out more

- Paul Curtis

Poem

No need to classify it as a "bad" country song, my friend --
that's implied.

(Mitchell Kobriger) @topfive.com

Poem

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but when I was
a young World Cup fan, we didn't go around
making annoying buzzing noises with our vulvas.

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was bitten by a radioactive grandmother
and turned into Doily-Man. My costume is
disgustingly see-through and my superpower
seems to be mega-hyper sexual abstinence.

(James Knowles) @ruminate.com

Poem

My wife laughed when I put a stripper pole
in our bedroom. She stopped laughing, though,
when the strippers started showing up.

(Steve M.) @ruminate.com

Poem

Behind every successful man is
a strong woman, except for the man
who invented that talking sex robot.

(Chuck Bonner) @ruminate.com

Poem

Next time I go back to that biker bar, I'm
bringing my friends along to help me out.
Sure, they might laugh at *one*, but I
bet those chain-swinging morons would
cower before *three* Jedi knights.

(Hugh Ringling) @ruminate.com

Poem

Ron is Home and I Think He's Drunk

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why;

Ron is home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think
He’s shaved in two weeks,

Ron is home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of Brad's money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo.... You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Ron is home and I think he's...
Ron is home and boy is he...

Ron is home and he's really drunk!

Poem

Happiness is a tired cellmate.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Maybe someone can explain to me why
anyone would ever hold a poetry festival
somewhere other than Nantucket.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.

(Michael F.) @ruminate.com

Poem

If all the world's a stage, the USA is
the shiny vertical pole in the middle.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

How come so many conservative Christians
insist the only method of birth control
that is 100% effective is abstinence?
I can think of one documented case where
even THAT didn't work -- and you'd
think they'd all be familiar with it.

(Chris Irby) @ruminate.com

Poem

I vehemently deny accosting any
of my dental patients. I think they
just fail to see the humor in my
custom-made Ron Jeremy dildo-drill.

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes I think, "Wouldn't it be nice if the
whole world could just live together in peace?"
But then I think, "Well, that really wouldn't
be fair to professional wrestlers, would it?"

(Lev Spiro) @ruminate.com

Poem

I keep telling my wife: "It's NOT
cheating on you with your sister,
it's making love to you by proxy."
Some women just don't understand.

(Todd Loushine) @ruminate.com

Poem

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

- P. J. O'Rourke

Poem

There's no "I" in "team" -- at least not
since I got kicked off the team for drinking.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

To Stand or To Squat

To stand or to squat, this is the quest --
To find out if man points east or west.
When he should relieve himself, what should he do?
You say he should stand. Should he listen to you?

And just because you have stood all your life
That doesn't mean not to think of your wife;
For she is the one who must clean behind you
When you stand there tall and make a boo-boo

You aimed really well, or so you did think
But it wasn't good when you went in the sink.
Now I do exaggerate, you're not that bad;
You'd take much more care if you made your wife mad.

Or would you, you egotist, would you indeed!?
You stand upright -- on the floor, you still peed.
And you didn't care that your wife had to clean
That horrible mess -- your lovely queen;

You sent her to do such a job as would fit
The lowly peasant (and I'll bet he does sit).
So here is the question presented to us
Are you willing to stand without a fuss?

Are you willing to let go of your feeble quest
To say it's your right to stand up -- it's the best?
Well you may say this, but it isn't so;
You still stand up every time you go.

But what's the respectful thing to do
For your wife's not the janitor and it could be you.
If you don't stand up as we do and fight
You need to stand up -- that is your right.

To stand or to squat is the question here
If you stand up it's really only from fear --
Fear that the others will look down at you
And say you're not manly and they'll laugh at you.

But it doesn't matter what others may say
So squat -- it's much cleaner, and start today!

- Gareth Marples

Poem

Women are from Venus, and men are
from some place where they just want
to get a little of that Venus action.

(Charles Wolfe) @ruminate.com

Poem

The Drunk Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

- Anonymous

Poem

Beer, wine and spirits too
Of all, I like the brew

Covered in foam and cascading with bubbles, it's time to relax, and forget all my troubles

I can go to the Pub,to pick up some ales, then listen to friends as we recount some old tales

I may sit on porch with a porter or stout, and ponder what life is really about

I can lie on the grass, the beach or the dock as I soak up some sun with a lager or bock

There are so many option of things I might do with an ice cold brew!

So come all ye friends both old and new, let's raise our glasses to the miracle of brew!

- by Brian Herlihy

Poem

Afternoon drinkers
Laugh from the streetside tables
As masses trudge by

(Captain Hops) @beerhaikudaily.com

Poem

A woman I met at this country & western bar said
she wanted to take me home and ride me like a cowgirl
on a bucking bronco. She wasn't very good, though; I was
able to throw her off every time in less than 10 seconds.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

Oh, come on. If we only had sex with
people we actually respected, most us
would even have to give up masturbating.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

I probably would have enjoyed the massage's
"happy ending" more had all those mall
patrons not started hovering around my chair.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
But then he got better and sued me. During
the trial, we gained a grudging respect for
one another and, eventually, became close friends.
Until I bludgeoned him to death. In Lake Tahoe.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

Remember: Today is the first day of the rest
of what you're optimistically calling a life.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
here I am: stuck in the cafeteria line at the
Academy of Comedic Performing Arts with you.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

Mom always said, "I hate you! Your father
wouldn't have left if it weren't for you!
You were an accident!" I used to cry,
but deep down I know that if it weren't
for Mom's tough love, I never would've
gotten the courage to shoot that fifth
cop and make it all the way to Panama.

(Jacqui Kennelly) @ruminate.com

Poem

The Function!

I woke up this morning with a pain in my head
I looked in the mirror
I wasn't yet dead
My scary reflection said I was unwell
Was I drunk or sick
I really couldn't tell
Last night's function wasn't all that grand
But I woke up with a sharp pain
In my right hand
I didn't really drink that much although I did fall down
But I wasn't drunk honestly
Just acting the clown
I seem to remember a goldfish in a bowl
And I think I drank the water
And swallowed goldie whole
It's not all that disgusting a bit like Sushi in a drink
And I'm telling you for nothing
I don't care what people think
The lipstick on my collar could suggest a little romp
But my blue and black left eye
Suggests I may have copped a thump
Oh yes now I remember that gorgeous young brunette
And her boyfriend the boxer
And his shiny red Corvette
I think I sung a song or two for all the special guests
But from what I can remember
Not a single soul impressed
Then again the Sex Pistols are not for everyone
By the time I'd finished singing
The old Minister had gone
Now I know I should remember what this party was about
And I'm feeling rather guilty
Of this there is no doubt
It is known to all and sundry that I like to do my thing
Oh god now I remember
Yesterday was ......My Wedding.

- Amin Sane (@ funnypoets.com)

Poem

Good rule of thumb for gauging the success
of a bachelor party: If the wedding is still
on afterwards, it could have been better.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Poem

I am the quintessential stay-at-home dad.
Mostly because of my electronic ankle monitor.

(Wayne Lloyd) @ruminate.com

Poem

My parents always said I'd end up
unemployed and living in their basement.
Well, I guess I showed them! By the way,
thanks for the cookies and milk, Aunt Mary!

(Mystic7) @ruminate.com

Poem

Two hours of Internet porn and online sex left
me screaming with orgasm after orgasm -- until
that bitch librarian told me to keep it down.

(Jill Gallagher) @ruminate.com

Poem

There once was a nerd name of Ron
Who by his friend Eddie was drawn.
If he looks like his sketch
He's a horrible wretch!
And most likely better off gone.

Poem

Men always think that women's locker rooms
are filled with hot, naked women oiling each
other up, having sex in the hot tub and getting
into pillow fights. That's a ridiculous notion!
Why would there be pillows in a locker room?

(Jill Gallagher) @ruminate.com

Poem

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Frame a man for murder and the state
will feed him every day for 25-to-life.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

If Earth is really just a grain of sand
in the universe, I'll bet we're stuck in
God's Speedo and we're driving him nuts.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

I wonder if the clothing and shoe
factories of Southeast Asia ever
have "Take Your Parents to Work Day."

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I wonder why Mexico makes such a big
deal about Cinco de Mayo. I mean,
who *hasn't* defeated the French?

(John "Schmitty" Schmidt) @ruminate.com

Poem

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle is very
well named. Despite my physics professors
having explained it to me dozens of times,
I'm still not sure what it's all about.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

Man, they are so strict at my new job.
It's constantly: "No personal calls,"
"Don't surf the Web," "Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

The optimist says the glass is half full.
The pessimist says it is half empty.
The nurse says, "Just shut up and finish
filling the bottle so we can do your drug test."

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

- Ted Guhl

Poem

If I were that famed limerick guy from
Nantucket, I'd have made a lucrative career
for myself in the adult entertainment industry.
But I'd probably still do that other thing, too.

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Poem

Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling.
For instance, if Jesus truly believed in non-violence,
why did he destroy the Death Star?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think I learned a couple of valuable life
lessons that night. One: The old adage about
setting your sights on something and just grabbing
for it doesn't necessarily apply in strip clubs.
Two: Metal toilets are cold.

(Tristan Fabriani) @ruminate.com

Poem

It never fails: Whenever I try to get romantic
with a woman, I always start crying uncontrollably.
I guess pepper spray will do that to ya.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

One reason I hate having beer around
the house is because of the kids. Every
few minutes, it's "Are we drunk yet?"

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

You know, you can say what you like about the
Amish. That's my favorite thing about them.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

Poem

Why bother studying the candidates and
their positions? By the time you’re drunk
enough to *want* to vote, you can’t read
the names next to the little boxes anyway.

(Jedediah I. Knight) @ruminate.com

Poem

Hangovers are temporary; memories
are forever. Unless you were too
drunk to remember them, that is.

(Brian Tobin) @ruminate.com

Poem

My girlfriend came up to me the other day and
introduced me to one of her male friends, and at
first I didn't mind, since I'm not the jealous type.
I just wish she hadn't started calling him "Sweetie"
and living with him and having his kids and marrying
him and stuff. It's really starting to make
me wonder if she wants a future with me or not.

(Derek Maness) @ruminate.com

Poem

If running around town naked, screaming at
tourists and throwing feces at them as
"Monkey Man, the Simian Defender of Justice"
is wrong, then, baby, I don't wanna be right!

(Bob Roth) @ruminate.com

Poem

Thomas Wolfe was wrong, you can go home again.
In fact, sometimes it's strongly encouraged,
like when you forget to wear pants to work.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

Not drunk is he who from the floor
Can rise alone and still drink more;
But drunk is he who prostrate lies
Without the power to move or rise.

Thomas Love Peacock

Poem

I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research
for her book report on horseback riding for kids.
So I Googled the following: "pony, ride, under age 18."
... and I swear that's the truth, Your Honor.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

The great thing about convincing mimes
to join Fight Club -- besides totally
beating their asses -- is knowing
they'll never break rules 1 and 2.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Football is a game of inches
-- much like naked limbo.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Poem

I don't fit in with either political party.
I can't be a Democrat because I like to keep
the money I make, but I can't be a Republican
because I like to spend that money on drugs.

(Conor Regan) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm really pissed off that this year's presidential
ballot offers no candidates who are against
education, healthcare, families and children.

(Brian Perbix) @ruminate.com

Poem

If you can stay married to Bill Clinton, is
there anything you can't do? On the other hand,
if you're willing to stay married to Bill
Clinton, is there anything you *won't* do?

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

I wanted to start off the new year with
a bang, but the wife said she had a headache.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

My girlfriend is incredibly self-absorbed.
The good thing is that she saves
a bundle on sanitary napkins.

(Ernest Gunn) @ruminate.com

Poem

A Drunk's Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"

Poem

Momma always said "Life is like a box
of chocolates," but so are hookers.
The good ones always cost more, and sometimes
you get a surprise when you unwrap them.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I love the traditions that go with
holidays: Thanksgiving means turkey,
Independence Day means fireworks,
Halloween means going to the office
as "Drunk Naked Guy" and All Saints
Day means looking for a new job.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's been three days since I binged
at the Mexican restaurant, and I sense
I'm suffering from Post Fartum Depression.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

They say 2.3 percent of adults still have
problems wetting the bed. I can't imagine why,
because it's a really easy thing to do.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think the best games for children are
the ones that teach as well as entertain.
For example, Spin the Bottle teaches kids
that drinking will often lead to awkward,
embarrassing and unwanted sexual activity.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

If my erection lasts longer than four hours,
you BET I'm contacting a professional!

(Richard Skora) @ruminate.com

Poem

I bet my mom wouldn't have written me
out of her will for being an unemployed
loser if she had known how good I'd
eventually become at Minesweeper.

(Jimbo) @ruminate.com

Poem

I got confused when the flight attendant woke
me up to ask if I wanted a Wet-Nap, because I
was well on my way to having one on my own.

(J. Hutter) @ruminate.com

Poem

Good friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Strangely enough, if you exchange the blue liquid
in your Magic 8-Ball with vodka, it doesn't really
affect its mysterious powers of insight and wisdom.

(George MacMillan) @ruminate.com

Poem

I want my kids to have the things in life
that I never had when I was growing up.
Things like beards and chest hair.

(Jarod Kintz) @ruminate.com

Poem

To My Beard
- J.R. Solonche

What can I say but I am sorry,
I apologize for what I do to you,
my daily ruthlessness and cruelty.
What can I do but ask for your forgiveness
and your patience. For someday,
I promise you, someday I swear
on the beards of the prophets
and on the beard of the poet Whitman and
on the beard of the president Lincoln,
I will not stop you any longer,
I will let you go free, I will take down
the fence around you made of sharp blades.
For someday, I promise you, I will let
you run wild through the valleys
of my face like a stallion, I will let you
wander over the desert of my face
like a holy man in his vision of heaven
and hell, I will let you grow, blossom
and flourish, and I will stroke you
and comb you and keep you orderly
and free of knots and tangles,
and you in turn will make me look
distinguished, a wise old man as I stroke
you looking serious, looking as though
I were thinking deep thoughts about
life and death. But I will be thinking
only about you, my beard, my second face,
and this will be our secret.

Poem

Whenever I watch Barney the dinosaur,
I offer up a prayer of thanks for the
meteorite that wiped out the rest.

(G. Linsgru) @ruminate.com

Poem

Wishful Thinking
by Debbie Ledet

I'm sitting up late tonight,
writing down the thoughts
that keep me from sleep.

My heart is full of pain.
You're out on the town with your new love.

I hope she gets a run in her pantyhose
and the zipper on her new dress breaks;
or maybe you find out her breasts are fake.

I hope your face breaks out in zits
and she thinks your breath stinks;
and I hope you bend down and rip the seat of your pants.

When you get to the restaurant I hope the food is cold,
I hope the wine is sour and the bread has mold
(a case of food poisoning would be neat).
And I hope when you start dancing she throws up on your feet.

If all these things could happen,
maybe I could sleep.
And with a rested mind
I could wish for some more things to happen to you...

But it still won't be enough.

Poem

I recently saw a brand of laundry detergent
that claims it cleans by harnessing the power
of nature. After all these centuries, it's
about time we made Mother Nature our bitch and
started forcing her to do our laundry.

(~Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Something seems odd about brushing my teeth
after lunch while my coworker, Dan, is seated
just a few feet away, relieving himself.
Maybe it's because we're in the supply room.

(Raygun) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes when I try to tell my wife
I love her, the words just come out wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying it in Klingon.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

My friend told me the whole NASA moon landing
was manufactured in a Hollywood studio. Okay,
so I could kind of buy that -- until he then
said the same thing about Star Trek! Idiot!

(Bill Ervin) @ruminate.com

Poem

My visit to the hospital would have been a
lot less awkward if the head nurse had just
taken the time to explain her title to me.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

World's toughest job? How about being the
guy who has to put the whoop-ass into the can?

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

I've decided that I really don't like
living in a gated community. I'm definitely
going to move somewhere else in six to
ten years, less time off for good behavior.

(Brad Hamer) @ruminate.com

Poem

Wouldn't it be great if hookers accepted
credit cards, just like gas stations?
That way, if you were in a hurry you could
use the convenient pay-at-the-pimp feature.

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Poem

It isn't that I hate having to hear about
how hard it was for my grandparents "back
in the old country," it's that I hate having
to hear about their sex life in general.

(Dustin Moskowitz) @ruminate.com

Poem

Women constantly chide men about
their lack of commitment, but when
she swears she'll never speak to me
again, it barely last three days!

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" --
but there *is* an "EAT ME" if
you're willing to use the "E" twice.

(Lewis Shiner) @ruminate.com

Poem

When I meet God, I'm gonna ask him one question:
Why did you make me so unattractive, yet so horny?

(Lindsay Acord) @ruminate.com

Poem

After being caught relieving myself behind the mall
I've been told that I'll be tried by a jury of my pee-ers.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

The whole gay marriage thing is pretty stupid.
Why would anyone ever want to get married
to someone who isn't even pregnant?

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Considering that I live in the most technologically
advanced country in the world, it's eerie how many
women I meet who have disconnected phone numbers.

(Greg Muchnik) @ruminate.com

Poem

One morning my wife said, "I had the weirdest dream.
I dreamed I was helping Halle Berry have a baby."
"What a coincidence," I said. "I dreamed I
was helping Halle Berry have a baby, too!"
Then my wife got all tweaked.
Talk about a double standard!

(Ken Foster) @ruminate.com

Poem

I had an embarrassing incident at the gym this
past weekend. I was caught square in the middle
of an argument between the people who call me the
Space Cowboy and the people who call me Maurice.

(John Crocker) @ruminate.com

Poem

Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns
out they're apparently against all three.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

I tried to tell myself that getting fired was
just a part of my personal and professional
journey, and not at all emasculating.
Until, that is, they mentioned the words
"severance" and "package" in the same sentence.

(David Weinraub) @ruminate.com

Poem

My boss keeps saying there's no "I" in "TEAM."
I finally told him since "I" was not needed
here, he could find "M E" at the strip club
down the street checking out the "T" and "A."

(Bad Macaw) @ruminate.com

Poem

There's no way to prove this, and we'll
probably never really know, but I'd be
willing to bet that it was a guy who
first came up with the concept of porn.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

Jesus and I have a lot in common.
We are both friendly towards prostitutes.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Poem

Whenever I think my life is as weird as
it could possibly get, I remember the
bathtub full of monkeys and power tools.
Then I realize I still have a way to go.

(Phillip Garding) @ruminate.com

Poem

They say God knows everything before it happens.
That is so awesome. I mean, I only know when
cats in my neighborhood are going to disappear.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

If you simply put crystal meth in your
cat's food and spray him with Endust once
a day, you'll never need to dust again.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they're written in Braille.

(innocentenglish.com)

Poem

I think the best part about my being so
paranoid is that I always know somebody cares.

(Dave Stapel) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think the best part about being reincarnated as a
dog would be not having to explain to the judge why
you chose to relieve yourself on the police cruiser.

(Dave Juurlink) @ruminate.com

Poem

When George Washington and Abraham Lincoln
posed for their portraits that ended up
on U.S. currency, do you think the
engraver urged them to "make this one
count because it's the money shot?"

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Poem

Coming Unstuck

If you surf the Internet
For the obscene
You may end up, literally,
Glued to your screen

- Patrick Winstanley

Poem

"Oops!... I Did It Again" is a wonderful title
for a pop song, but a lousy response when
you're caught sleeping with your wife's sister.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

I thought about getting a bidet, but
decided it was cheaper and just as
efficient to do a handstand in the shower.

(Pamela Rice Hahn) @ruminate.com

Poem

As I stood in line screaming in terror
while the cashier handed me two quarters,
one dime and a nickel, I was hit with a
sad realization: I was afraid of change.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

I realized too late that when I told my
wife I may give her something exotic I
picked up on my business trip to Thailand,
she probably thought I meant a gift.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

While I was on Spring Break, a random girl
on the beach showed me her boobs. I was very
pleased with myself until I realized I could
have saved nearly $1000 by blowing off the week
in Florida and just getting a lapdance instead.

(Tim Grebos) @ruminate.com

Poem

One Man's Fish

One man's fowl
Is another man's fish
A skinny girl, that's
My ideal dish
I like them thin
And I like them lean
Because it takes a waif
To keep me keen
A skinny girl that's
My ideal treat
For the nearer the bone
The sweeter the meat

- Paul Curtis

Poem

I still think one of mankind's greatest
inventions is that little brown strip
that appears in the bottom of my underwear
to tell me when it's time to wash them.

(Michael F.) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's never encouraging when you
ask your parents to tell you about
when you were born and they simply
reply, "Mistakes were made...."

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

My mother always said, "Why buy the cow
when you can just marry a hot girl, knock her
up and get her lactating and hey, free milk!"

(Ross Brown) @ruminate.com

Poem

Word to the wise: If it involves a meat
thermometer and your rectum, it's
probably not a real teleportation device.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

If Mother's Day brings out flower-sellers on
every corner, why is no one on the curb on
Father's Day, selling porn, beer and power tools?

(Dan Weckerly) @ruminate.com

Poem

I am a servant of Entropy
Because if you can't beat it, you might as well join it,
And where I walk, the sidewalks crumble,
And if I touch your TV set it'll break,
And when I go out camping there's a forest fire,
And if I embrace you, you will die,
Because I am a servant of Entropy,
And you can't beat it, so you might as well join it.

(Tom Swiss) @infamous.net

Poem

I'm not laughing at you -- I'm laughing
with my friends who are laughing at you.

(Mark Stubbs) @ruminate.com

Poem

If men have a funny way of looking
at life, maybe it's because
we always view it through
the periscope in our pants.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

Catch a falling star and put it in your
pocket. Then tell it that unless you
get a cool half-mil, you'll sell to the
highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing
photos of it puking naked in the alley.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

When my parents come to visit, I force them
to smoke pot and do straight shots of whiskey.
Hey, when you're in MY house, you live by MY rules.

(Stephanie Thompson) @ruminate.com

Poem

As I was lying in bed that night, I got to
thinking, "What would Jesus do?" That didn't
prove much help, so I got a bit more specific:
"What would Jesus do with a dead hooker's body?"

(Brian Tobin) @ruminate.com

Poem

When I got my kids back from foster care
dressed as a gay biker, a cowboy and a cop,
it occurred to me that maybe it really does
take the Village People to raise a child.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sure, Hugh Hefner may get laid a lot more than
I do, but I figure I watch much more TV than
he does, so I guess it all evens out in the end.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Poem

Gerald Ford was a former member of the
Warren Commission, so I can understand
why the Castro/Chicago Mafia/C.I.A. shadow
government bumped him off. I just can't
understand why they took out James Brown.

(Chuck Sawyer) @ruminate.com

Poem

As a professional escape artist, I thought my
date would be impressed by my ability to avoid
paying the dinner check, but she threw a fit.
Had she been more appreciative, I'd have stuck
around to help her get out of the police car.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Poem

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you before you
let it go, it probably found a time
machine and has returned from the
future to wreak horrible vengeance.

(Paul B.) @ruminate.com

Poem

A man doesn't realize what evil he's
capable of rendering with his bare hands
until he reaches day six of "The Twelve
Days of Christmas" as sung by Muppets.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Just my luck -- judging by the itching and
the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

As I lay in the hospital bed, clinging
to the threads of life I had left, I looked
over the faces of the many friends and
well-wishers who came by, and in that brief
moment I realized something very important: There
actually is a point at which sour cream goes bad.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

When she asked, "Is that a roll of quarters in
your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" we
both just had to laugh, because, being a peep-show
girl, it really didn't matter to her either way.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Always keep drugs out of the reach
of children. And for maximum entertainment,
keep them just out of reach.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

I traded in my WWJD bracelet for one
with "WWSDD" on it. Not only is the
"What Would Snoop Dogg Do?" bracelet a
lot flashier, but the answer is always
"Light up a spliff and hit the strip club."

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

I wouldn't mind going to get some of
that "instant gratification" -- but
there better not be a long line.

(Walter Means) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was worried when LOL led to ROFL, and I
was alarmed when that escalated to ROFLMAO.
I propose the limit should be ROFLMAOATU,
because with any activity, one should go no
further after adding "... And Throwing Up."

(Paul Totman) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's been said that "living well is the best
revenge," but my guess is that "sleeping with
your enemy's mom" had to be a close second.

(Andy Krakowski) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think Gandhi and I probably
have a lot in common. After all,
we both spent time in prison.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Poem

They told us all to bring gag gifts
to the company Christmas party.
Suffice to say, I'm the only one who
did his shopping at Bondage Boutique.

(Dan Thompson) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was excited to overhear my wife telling
the yard man she wanted him to groom her
landing strip the Brazilian way, because
I didn't even know she owned an airport!
But what the hell does he need my razor for?

(D. Callahan) @ruminate.com

Poem

Word to the wise: Even the must understanding
wife won't forgive a spur-of-the-moment fling
if you have it professionally videotaped.

(Joseph Moore) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's so easy to blame others -- which
is one of the reasons I enjoy doing it.

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Poem

For me, failure is not an option.
It comes standard with everything I do.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Poem

Well, according to those killjoys
over at PETA, there's apparently
no right way to eat a Rhesus.

(Sebastian P.) @ruminate.com

Poem

Now that the pope has pissed off
all the Muslims, I assume he'll
be going after us Catholics next.

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.com

Poem

There's no shame in a man's weeping the bitter yet
life-embracing tears of universal sorrow -- especially
when he's just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.

(Lev L. Spiro) @ruminate.com

Poem

"Stalin" by Osip Mandelstam

We live, deaf to the land beneath us,
Ten steps away no one hears our speeches,
But where there's so much as half a conversation
The Kremlin's mountaineer will get his mention.
His fingers are fat as grubs
And the words, final as lead weights, fall from his lips,
His cockroach whiskers leer
And his boot tops gleam.
Around him a rabble of thin-necked leaders -
fawning half-men for him to play with.
They whinny, purr or whine
As he prates and points a finger,
One by one forging his laws, to be flung
Like horseshoes at the head, the eye or the groin.
And every killing is a treat
For the broad-chested Ossete.

Poem

If I'm really supposed to have learned
everything I needed to know in kindergarten,
I'm guessing I must've been out sick on
"How to stiff a hooker and not get the
crap kicked out of you by her pimp" day.

(Tim Grebos) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think I sent in the wrong coupon.
Instead of adding inches to my penis,
I grew a sea monkey on it.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

Women are hard to figure out.
They love lingerie and they
love garage sales, but they
don't seem to like getting
garage-sale lingerie as a gift.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas --
unless it leaves you disease-ridden,
pock-marked and with your left leg in a cast,
courtesy of a guy named Vinny. At that point,
it's pretty much following you home.

(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com

Poem

What others might see as "buying my
girlfriend a lap dance at the male
strip club," I prefer to think of
as simply "out-sourcing my foreplay."

(Richard Skora) @ruminate.com

Poem

You know that unwritten rule that you avoid
the urinal right next to someone who's peeing?
Just to clarify: It means you go to one farther
away, not try to share the one the guy's using.

(Randy Lee) @ruminate.com

Poem

My wife and I were discussing whether cats or
dogs have better lives and she decided cats
do, because they can do whatever they want
and still get lots of attention and affection.
I, on the other hand, decided dogs have better
lives, because they get to shit in the yard.

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.com

Poem

For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Poem

Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking
my blood pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.vom

Poem

You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin) @ruminate.com

Poem

Once, I was lost in the wilderness, and
I was forced to eat a dog to survive!
Later I realized I was just in the back
yard, but boy, was my mom pissed!

(C. Rostan) @ruminate.com

Poem

I just discovered the biggest difference
between dogs and cats: Dogs hump stuff.

(Skywalker) @ruminate.com

Poem

Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon
to a knife fight. That means they're either
crazy or really good at killing people with
spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid.

(John Gephart) @ruminate.com

Poem

The good news: My new manager has
humongous tits. The bad news: He
yells at me for staring at them.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Poem

I tend to give credence to that Bible story
in which God put man to sleep and made
woman from his rib, because if man had been
awake and able to make suggestions, women
would surely have many more breasts.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

As the judge said, "Let this be a warning:
Three strikes and you're out," I was sure
glad he didn't know I had an 0-2 count when
I pummelled that stupid umpire with my bat.

(Donald Johnson) @ruminate.com

Poem

I went to the doctor for a blood test and
I saw this Asian kid in the waiting room.
He was there for a blood test, too. I thought,
"Crap, I hope they're grading me on a curve."

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

I always put my daughter's welfare
above my own. She's 18, so I started
dating an 18-year-old so she'd have
somebody her own age to play with.
I hope she appreciates it.

(Steve Mueller) @ruminate.com

Poem

My mother used to tell me you can't put
a price on love. Then again, she really
had a lousy business sense for a hooker.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Poem

Somehow "our song" just isn't as
romantic now that they're using it
in an erectile dysfunction ad.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

Want proof that men are more creative than women?
Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a
pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting
their own, using nothing but beer and pizza.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Poem

"What Would Jesus Do?" may be a good philosophy
of life for some, but I find that it rarely
helps me decide how much to tip a hooker.

(Charles Gulledge) @ruminate.com

Poem

Just when I think I've finally met the
perfect woman, I discover she's too tall
to fit into any of my mom's old clothes.

(Andy Ihnatko) @ruminate.com

Poem

If loving you is wrong, then baby, it
goes a long way towards explaining the
concussion and crushed left testicle.

(Dan, the crazy Croat) @ruminate.com

Poem

Now that I'm approaching middle age, it's
nice to reflect back upon my college days
and to reminisce about all the sex that
I like to believe that I had back then.

(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com

Poem

Any one of my ex-girlfriends could do a better
job running this country. Exit strategy? Oh,
yeah, they all had that covered coming in.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

Whenever I see a foxy woman, I like to toss in the
phrase, "It's my duty to please that booty," because
that's what Shaft would do. I'm going to start limiting
myself to two or three repetitions per sermon, though
-- some of the older parishioners are getting annoyed.

(Dan, the crazy Croat) @ruminate.com

Poem

The other night I was depressed and tried
to call the suicide hotline, but accidentally
dialed the Butterball Turkey hotline instead.
Oddly enough, their advice worked anyway. Turns
out all your other problems fall into perspective
when you have an ass full of Stovetop Stuffing.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

My wife simply does not understand the
business world. She insists I'm cheating
on her, despite my clear explanation
that I'm simply out-sourcing the sexual
component of her job description to
free her up for other projects.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Children possess an innate wisdom beyond
their years. I mean, what adult would ever
come up with the idea of spontaneous trouser
combustion as a deterrent to dishonesty?

(Larry Hollister) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm not sure how much the party guests liked my
shadow figures. "Dog," "Rabbit," and "Dog and Rabbit"
seemed to go over pretty well, but the room got quiet
when I did "Dog and Rabbit Riding a Large Missile."

(Brad Hamer) @ruminate.com

Poem

All the girls who were named Kyrie because of
that Mr. Mister song start turning 20 this month.
You know what that means, ladies -- only one more
year before you can legally drink to forget that
your parents named you after a Mr. Mister song!

(Carl Knorr) @ruminate.com

Poem

They say if you have positive thoughts
about something, it will happen.
Well, I've been thinking positively about
my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter,
but so far, no luck. I think maybe my
wife's negative thoughts are interfering.

(Maurizio Mariotti) @ruminate.com

Poem

If I had $200 for every woman I've ever
had sex with, I'd have been able to
pay them without using my own money!

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Poem

All those women who say they scoff at
cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are
obviously hanging around the wrong men.
For me, a simple "If you ever want to see
your Mommy alive again..." works every time.

(Don Swain) @ruminate.com

Poem

My high school guidance counselor told
me my aptitude tests revealed that I could
pretty much do anything I liked -- then
she turned around and slapped me. Women!

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

Every time I get down about having
a job at McDonald's, I think about
the guy at the stockyard who spends
his entire day slitting hog throats.
I wish I had a cool job like that.

(Alton Flener) @ruminate.com

Poem

Poem

Rhymes with...

A poem what rhymes,
is out of the times.
Sad as it is,
that's show biz.
An couplet or two,
for the mind to chew.
Where oh where have they gone?
Those poems with the nice rhymes tacked on.
Lovely words which seek to intertwine,
memories,images, and dreams,like a fine vintage wine.
Now it's all free verse, blank and bare.
Sitting exposed like an un-upholstered chair
No craft or magic in that kind of work,
Beam me up Captain Kirk!

("robertpo") @The Coffee Shop Times

Poem

Getting arrested on purpose turned out to be a huge
mistake. Those conjugal visits I'd heard about are
real -- but you have to already know someone who'll
come visit you. The prison doesn't supply them.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Poem

Because I'll be 82 in 2046, I'm writing a letter
to myself to open then, reminding me of what the
name "XXX Olympic Winter Games" really means.
On second thought, why ruin an old man's good time?

(Ted Jasmin) @ruminate.com

Poem

While I appreciate the words of support and
the suggestions of counseling, I was really
kind of hoping that divulging my exhibitionist
fetish to the family would prod Grandma
into knitting me a nice scrotum cozy.

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Poem

You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's
Day when you find yourself writing heartfelt
sonnets with the same hand you're writing them to.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I learned how much alcohol I can take.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Poem

I guess Granny needs a hearing aid after she thought
those Mardi Gras guys wanted to see our pits.
Better make that a hearing aid and a razor.

(Stephanie Thompson) @ruminate.com

Poem

I've taken to drinking those energy drinks in
the morning. I tried them in the evenings, but
by then I'm usually too hopped up on crystal
meth to notice any additional energy boost.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes when I go for job interviews, I
get the feeling that they don't give enough
weight to my Ph.D. in document forgery.

(Paul Hannah) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes I wish I were a dairy cow.
Not so much for the leisurely life of
nonstop grazing as much as for the daily
sessions with a machine massaging my nipples.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Poem

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Not get into another fight
With that transvestite hooker, Mike.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Poem

I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog
after what it means to her, but I hate when she
asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

If I had a nickel for every paycheck I've
blown on cocaine and cheap hookers, I could
spend a whole weekend doing nothing but...
well, you probably see where this is headed.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Poem

I don't think parents should tell kids the truth
about Santa and spoil all their innocent illusions.
Besides, did you see the short skirt that elf wore
to the trial? She was probably asking for it.

(Andrea Crain) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes I feel like Spider-man looking after
Mary Jane, to protect her from any problem.
Except I don't have any super-powers, her name is Beth
and the only problem she has is a stalker named Bob.

(Bob MacAllister) @ruminate.com

Poem

I sometimes wonder what's better: to give 100%
effort and risk failure or not to try at all.
Then I think, "Who cares, I still get paid
over $30,000 a year to surf Internet porn
and shoot rubber-bands at my co-workers!"

(Dale Brown) @ruminate.com

Poem

I have friends who seem to have it all:
A wonderful spouse, good kids, college
education, nice car, house, spiritual maturity,
high morals, etc. Sometimes I find myself
thinking, "Why can't I have a nice car, too?"

(E. Smith) @ruminate.com

Poem

I realize drinking isn't the answer
to all of life's problems, but it
sure does a great job at solving
that "unattractive sex partner" one.

(Chester Ingraham) @ruminate.com

Poem

Now that I'm a dad, I love playing silly games
with my daughter. Like "I spy, with my little eye...
something I want you to slip into your Britney
Spears backpack while I distract the clerk."

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

As I look back at all the times I've gotten
together with old friends, it's worth noting
that not once has any of us ever said,
"Dude, you remember that time you stayed SO
sober and you did TOTALLY rational stuff?"

(Carl Knorr) @ruminate.com

Poem

I don't believe in organized religion, so I
joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday,
the preacher overslept and arrived thirty
minutes late with no sermon, and then the
Ladies' Auxiliary lost the names of people
volunteering for next week's bake sale.

(Chris Lipe) @ruminate.com

Poem

Okay, so maybe there's no place like home,
but I would think 107 Couch Potato Lane in
Bigscreenville isn't a bad second place to be.
Especially in apartment 44DD on the 69th floor.

(Ted Jasmin) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes women send mixed signals. For example,
if you read every 11th letter in the restraining
order my girlfriend faxed me, it clearly spells
i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u, and then mostly gibberish, but
then p-u-s-b-a-g, which I presume is her new
pet name for me. She so wants me, the coy minx.

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Poem

I recently read there are some 400 million
porno pages on the Web. Just my luck -- I keep
hitting the same 350 million over and over.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Poem

If there really is a pole at the
North Pole, I bet there's some dead
explorer guy with his tongue stuck to it.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

Word to the wise:
While skiing, always carry Viagra.
That may be the only way they'll be
able spot you after an avalanche.

(John Dockery) @ruminate.com

Poem

The convent's pretty pond of pee...

The convent's pretty pond of pee
Is calling pious little me.
I want to bathe in that sweet bin,
Fresh, fragrant with the nuns' urine.
Disrobed, and moonlit spanky nude
I mingle in the transformed food.
Yea, urinely I join that flow
Whose glory may I hope to know!
Pee, wash me of all stain,
And I will come to thee again.

(Fred Sommer) @The Coffee Shop Times

Poem

It seems like that for every step forward
I take in my alcohol-recovery program, I
take two steps back -- then three to the
side, then about a half-dozen around in a
little circle until I fall flat on my ass.

(Tooter Day) @ruminate.com

Poem

Poem From a Peeping Tom

I saw her sitting in
her third floor
window reading
the poems I sent

she leafed through
them for a while
and then she went
into a tight hunch

not moving for
several minutes
as I waited below
in the bushes

thinking soon she might
toss a sigh or maybe
a sob of recognition

but all I heard was sirens
of twin patrol cars
coming from the bowels
of a bad city.

(John Birkbeck) @The Coffee Shop Times

Poem

Sometimes I wonder if God is really
watching over us, or if I'm going to
have to score that crack on my own.

(Scotty G.) @ruminate.com

Poem

My luge runs might not be the fastest ones at
the Olympic time trials, but I do this thing
where I'm dressed like Jerry Lewis in "The Bellboy,"
see, and I'm carrying this huge pile of luggage
like I can't see that I'm about to step onto a
luge run and then I trip and fall and holler
like a maniac all the way to the finish gate.
Judges notice that sort of thing.

(Andy Ihnatko) @ruminate.com

Poem

Instead of committing random acts of kindness
this holiday season, I'm going to commit random
acts of drunken debauchery. Sure, it might not
have the same socially redeeming value, but
it'll be a lot more fun than another afternoon
serving cookies at the retirement home.

(JonnyElvis) @ruminate.com

Poem

Kids today have it too easy. Back in
my day, we actually had to get on
our hands and knees and crawl under
a desk to see a girl's underwear.

(Mystic 7) @ruminate.com

Poem

If I were to succumb to the dark side
of the Force, I wouldn't bother trying
to rule the entire galaxy or anything
like that. I'd be perfectly content using
it just to get laid once in awhile.

(Gus Harris) @ruminate.com

Poem

If they don't want you to lie on the floor
and peek in, they shouldn't make the ladies'
dressing room doors so high off the ground.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Poem

My boss called me into her office to
tell me I was going to get laid often.
Man, I love this job! I hope I never lose it.

(Alan Bland) @ruminate.com

Poem

Snakes are God's way of saying:
"Hey, look! A snake!"

(Andy Pierson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Imagine sitting at home some evening, minding
your own business, reading a good book when
all of a sudden Adolf Hitler sneaks up behind
you and slams you on the head with a brick.
That'd be just like him too, the bastard!

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Poem

I think one reason they call
them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is
that "Ass The Size of Texas"
jeans would not sell very well.

(Jim Rosenberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

Stealing my 6-year-old's allowance money
to buy beer would make me the world's worst
father -- if I hadn't shared it with him.

(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com

Poem

That sensitivity-in-the-workplace seminar
my boss made me attend would have been
a total bore had the instructor not
possessed such absolutely enormous hooters.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

For some reason I always confuse
the words "marinate" and "masturbate."
Maybe that's why nobody likes my cooking.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Poem

If I plagiarize, it's only because I
like someone else's idea better than
mine and I want credit for it.

(Anna Chin-Williams) @ruminate.com

Poem

In Sympathy with the Poet Laureate

(I have never envied your task: especially now.....)
Their tenure should have ended at that final Worcester battle
But to this day we're fed a diet of endless royal prattle
And soon will come that awful time which some of us
are dreading:
The global media yawn-fest which is
Chas and Millie's wedding....
There's squabbling in the churches and across the Union Jack:
To write this one, I think you'll need to DRAIN your butt of sack!
We just need abolition, not a Cromwell-style beheading.
It's their business and theirs alone, old Chas & Millie's wedding.
It really doesn't matter who is sitting on the throne:
They're all as dull as dishwater and should be left alone.
I don't care what their hamster's called or whom
they are a-bedding:
I want some interesting news, not Chas & Millie's wedding!
So, Andrew, if your royal task becomes too much to bear
Go to your favourite football club and write your poems there.
I'm Brighton's Poet in Residence: tonight we're home to Reading.
That's worthy of a verse or two. Not Chas & Millie's wedding!

- by Attila the Stockbroker

Poem

I wholly support the recent tax cut. It will
stimulate the economy and result in a measurable
and important increase in the nation's GDP.
I know this because I spent mine on lap dances
and tequila shooters the same day I got it.

(Patrick Murphy) @ruminate.com

Poem

If you're ever in a classroom setting
with a woman who pulls out her breast
and starts to feed her baby, don't say,
"Did you bring enough to share with
the whole class?" Sure, it's a funny
line, but if she answers, "Yes," you're
pretty much going to have to drink it.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Say what you want about that first beer,
but nothing really brings a father and son
together like dumping a dead whore down a well.

(Wes Nessmann) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sixteen hours after deciding to end it
all and writing the note, I realized that
my plan for a slow, but painless death of
suicide by masturbation was not working.

(Col. Klink) @ruminate.com

Poem

I loved my old job when I could hide in my
cubicle and spend the day farting around.
Instead it's just work, work, work here
at the baked bean methane-research lab.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm against so-called technological advancement.
For example, it was a sad, sad day when transistors
replaced telephone switchboard operators, because chips
don't have breasts that jiggle up and down as they
raise their arms to plug in the connection wires.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's better to be a red person in a blue state
than a blue person in a red state. As a red
person, if your blue neighbors turn into a mob
at least you have a gun to protect yourself.
As a blue person, your only hope is to appease
the red mob with herbal tea and marinated tofu.

(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses
from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to
Communion and saw what He considers a serving size.

(Marsha Clodfelter) @ruminate.com

Poem

The only reason all those anti-drug bills
keep getting passed is because most of us
pro-drug people are too messed up to vote.

(Bill Fluharty) @ruminate.com

Poem

For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume
that smells like rum-scented vomit.
Considering that's what her clothing ends
up smelling like after we go out anyway,
I figured I'd just save us both some time.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

This year I once again got drunk at the office
Christmas party and once again, I ended up
making photocopies of my flabby, naked butt.
So now I'm making a New Year's Resolution:
I'm going to hit the gym more often this year
so my ass will look better by next Christmas.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

There I was, holding up a bank,
three people already dead and
the bomb ticking away in the back
room, when it suddenly hit me...
Santa was watching the whole thing!

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Poem

So there I was, in the bus station restroom,
when I got this great idea for a novel. It's
about a girl who's sitting there, broken-hearted,
waiting for some guy to call her for a good time.

(Mike Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

I obeyed my dog's orders when he
instructed me to kill those people.
But I'm putting my foot down regarding
his command to drink out of the toilet.

(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com

Poem

When I get a college brochure, the first thing
I look for is racial diversity. If I don't see
a few minority faces in the pictures, I toss
it aside, because who wants to go to some
podunk college that can't even afford Photoshop?

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Poem

Some men see things as they are and ask,
"Why?" Some men dream of things that
never were and ask, "Why not?" I dream of
Lucy Liu and ask, "Is she hot or what?"

(Bill Fordes) @ruminate.com

Poem

In theory, saying, "I'm not actually a gynecologist,
but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night," to my
patients is quite humorous. In practice, it seems
to land me in court a bit more than I care for.

(Ben Hall) @ruminate.com

Poem

I often remember the wise words my grandma
shared with me: "Take hold of your destiny.
It's right there in front of you. No,
to your right a little. Your OTHER right,
Einstein! Grab it, you STUPID IDIOT!"

(Karl Bean) @ruminate.com

Poem

I try to look at the bright side of things.
For example, that burning sensation when I
urinate keeps my urethra warm in the winter.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

I guess the story would have been far
less interesting if Pinocchio hadn't
been such a lying little sack of shit.

(Mark Dockham) @ruminate.com

Poem

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world --
or that monkeys have been cleared
by the tower to fly out of my ass.
Stop kidding yourself, Dr. Do-good.

(Mr. Sun) @ruminate.com

Poem

With the election coming up, I'm going to
do everything I can to help my candidate
win -- except drive elderly people to the
polls, though, because once that teetering-
on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets
into your upholstery, you can forget
about ever getting chicks to put out.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm writing a play about hookers
moving from New York to Las Vegas.
I'm calling it "Westward Ho."

(Jeff Lyons) @ruminate.com

Poem

I don't claim to be some kind of expert on the
subconscious or anything, but I'm pretty sure that
dream where Joe Camel is eating a corn dog while
walking his dachshund means I should probably
spend less time in the men's sauna at the gym.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sure, "In space no one can hear you scream,"
but duct-taped to a locker with a jock strap
stuffed in your mouth, no one can hear you
scream either. Friggin' high-school gym class.

(Rob Bodine) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was reluctant to try the new cannibal
restaurant down the street, because I don't eat
a lot of meat. The waiter suggested I order the
meat and fish combination, and he was absolutely
right. The "Surf 'n' Murph" was terrific.

(Pat Sajak) @ruminate.com

Poem

My greatest dream is to be able to understand
all the animals, just like Doctor Doolittle.
But first I'll have to figure out a good
way to tune out the chickens and cows who'd
be constantly begging me not to eat them.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Poem

I'm all for increased airport security,
and I'm sure there are reasons for
each of the recently added measures.
Still, I've got no clue what that German
shepherd was supposedly detecting by bouncing
up and down while grappling my leg.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

If those Davy Crockett coonskin caps
ever come back in style I'm a genius.
If they don't, I'm just another guy
with a garage full of carcasses.

(Curtis Stoddard) @ruminate.com

Poem

Some days when I look out my window, the sheer
boundless beauty of nature amazes me. Her
rolling hills, her scenic valleys and her
gently undulating grasslands fill me with
awe and pleasure. On other days, though, my
does-yoga-in-the-nude neighbor has her shades down.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sure, companies say they're sensitive to
their employees' cultural heritages, but
show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace
made from the ears of your vanquished
enemies and all hell breaks loose.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Poem

It was one thing when the diner started
serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut
of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast,
I think things have gotten out of hand.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

I went off my multiple personality disorder
meds when it occurred to me that multiple
personalities meant multiple orgasms, too.
Now all of me are saying, "Bring it on, baby!"

(Vicki Stanfield) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's sobering to think there was
a time in this country when women
couldn't vote. I mean, how hard is
it to vote, for crying out loud?!

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

Even though I moved away years ago, I never
forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity or
her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled
when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying
those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

You know that guy who keeps winning
every day on the game show "Jeopardy!"?
Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters.
Ha! Take another shot, Pencil Neck!

(El Ruminatorio) @ruminate.com

Double Poem

You might think it irresponsible of
me to drink with a shot of rum in one
hand and a beer in the other, but relax
-- I've got my good knee on the wheel.

(Travis Ruetenik) @ruminate.com

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!"
Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the
only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

A new study claims women watching erotic films
are stimulated in parts of the brain that drive
emotion and planning. Probably their brains
are seeing the film and thinking, "Time to
start planning to be pissed off later tonight."

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Poem

The Good Lord doesn't seem very interested
in having me win the lottery, but then He
doesn't seem too bent out of shape over me
banging the baby sitter, so I guess we're even.

(Ishmael Alighieri) @ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes I just wish Wile E. Coyote would
just give up and order some chicken fingers
instead, since that's what the Road Runner
probably tastes like anyway. Plus I'd love
to see Ronald McDonald drop an anvil on him.

(Ben Borg) @ruminate.com

Poem

Every morning when I head out the door to go
to work, I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
I hate those days when I get the answer:
"He certainly wouldn't be leaving the
house wearing THAT dress with THAT hat."

(Peter Reinke) @ruminate.com

Poem

My family kept telling me I was too stressed
out, so I've been taking these relaxative
things I bought at the drugstore. Now, if
I could just get over this freakin' diarrhea.

(Larry Hollister) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's comforting to know that, once again,
America is leading the way by conquering
the problems of obesity and low self-esteem
through the healing powers of self-mutilation.

(Jim Rosenberg) @ruminate.com

Poem

As I ponder all the life-changing wonders of
impending fatherhood, one thought seems to be
foremost in my mind: "Well, so much for my
traditional Saturday morning tequila benders."

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Poem

I just got slapped with my seventh sexual harassment
suit this year. Man, I tell ya, the broads in
my office -- great racks, no sense of humor.

(Allen Lindsey) @ruminate.com

Poem

This morning I woke up with the ugliest,
skankiest barmaid yet. Damn those
Jedi and their stupid mind tricks!

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me
waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse --
that I decided to mess up his remaining schedule
by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come
back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see
ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

My sexual performance really isn't what
it ought to be, but I'm too embarrassed
to talk to anyone about it. I sure wish
someone would send me e-mail with
info on how to correct the situation.

(Andrew Kennedy) @ruminate.com

Poem

I don't think I would ever steal bread,
even if my family were starving. Not
for any moral reason, but simply because
I wouldn't want to risk having to admit
on any future job applications that I
was once arrested for pinching a loaf.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Poem

All over China, parents tell their children
to stop complaining and to finish their
quadratic equations and trigonometric
functions because there are sixty-five million
American kids going to bed with no math at all.

(Michael Cunningham) @ruminate.com

Poem

I've met this beautiful, blonde, Swedish girl in
an Internet chat room. I know there are a lot of
phonies out there who claim to be something they
aren't, but I'm pretty sure she's the genuine article.
Though I am surprised that someone who lives in
Stockholm would be so depressed over a Packers loss.

(Pat Sajak) @ruminate.com

Poem

To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love)
The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show --
though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines
took noticeably less care with my boxes.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

Admitting you have a problem is the
first step toward getting medicated for it.

(Jim Evarts) @ ruminate.com

Poem

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, now
I'm just your punching bag.

(Doug Sykes) @ ruminate.com

Poem

Shrink-to-fit jeans are a great idea
on paper. But unfortunately, my
grow-to-fit ass works faster than they do.

(Scott E. Frank) @ ruminate.com

Poem

I have an idea for a new reality television show
called "Cannibal Island." Each week, one player
will be eaten by the others until only one is left.
The real beauty of this idea is that the cast
won't be around to do an annoying reunion show.

Steve Nathans @ Ruminate.com

Poem

My dog loves cats. I just wish we
could find a canine toothpaste that gets
that icky cat-stench off his breath.

Brad Simanek @ Ruminate.com

Poem

I bet Mafia kids get bummed when they
find out the tooth fairy doesn't take
other people's teeth. Or when they find
out there's no horse-head fairy at all.

Bill Muse @ Ruminate.com

Poem

Some see the glass as half empty, while others
see it as half full. I'd just like to know
who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Poem

In the time it took for me to stop and smell
the roses, the S.W.A.T. team caught up to me.
Thanks for the *super* advice, Abby.

(Walter Means) @ruminate.com

Poem

The next time you curse the fact that it's
Monday, just think of it as proof that you
made it through another weekend without
killing yourself by doing something stupid.

(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com

Poem

It's always sad when you have to
disillusion a child by telling him
there is no Santa Claus. I prefer to
maintain his innocence by just telling
him that Santa can't come anymore because
he contracted severe gonorrhea and died.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ ruminate.com

Poem

I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets
me apart from those other brown-nosing climbers
in my department. For example, during my last
performance review, I not only informed my
supervisor that his wife was a two-timing schemer,
I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.

(Brad Simanek) @ ruminate.com

Poem

I think a really cool thing for blind people
would be talking warning signs. The drawback
would be the resulting explosion of the blind
population due to a lack of natural predators.

(Travis Gray) ruminate.com

Poem

Sometimes when I'm in a difficult situation I ask,
"What Would Jesus Do?" And always a little voice
inside me answers, "Well, he probably wouldn't try
to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron."

(Brad Wilkerson) Ruminate.com

Poem

I told the teacher that my son wasn't very
smart, and she said something about the acorn not
falling far from the tree. Since I never studied
treeology, I don't have a clue what that means.

from Ruminate.com

Poem

A good marketing strategy for Subway would
be to start selling bean and cheese burritos.
You know, so I wouldn't have to make two trips.

-Frank Weisbly @ Ruminate.com

Poem

I wish I were less awkward around
strangers. I never know what to say
when someone asks me who I am and what
the hell I'm doing in their house.

-from Ruminate.com