Ronatarian Tour

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 8, 2002: Ron treated journalists to never-before-seen pictures of Ronatarian National Headquarters on Saturday, including one in which former vice presidential candidate Brad appears to be urinating on the door of Ron's private office. "Brad, I hope you're not doing what it looks like you're doing," Ron quipped as he narrated a slide show at the 2nd Annual Northern New Jersey Media Correspondents Association. Ron was nearly upstaged at the elegant event by heavy metal rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, who is in talks with MTV to bring his raucous, foul-mouthed family back for a...

Aw Nuts

Melbourne, Australia: May 2, 2002 Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was suspended for 10 matches on Tuesday after pleading guilty to biting an opponent's testicles during an Australian Rules football game last week. Ron is not a member of any team in the league or even an Australian citizen...so what happened? Ron was playing for Port Melbourne against Springvale in the Australian Football League's feeder competition, the Victorian Football League (VFL) as a guest of the club manager. The manager had apparently lost an argument to Ron in a local pub the night before. Sources say the payment was...

Holding It In

New Jersey: May 1, 2002 A man desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but toiletless train won $270 compensation for what a court called his torture. A Jersey City, New Jersey court ordered New Jersey Transit to pay the man, who walked uncomfortably through the modern high-speed train, stumbling over people sitting in the corridors, as he searched in vain for a working toilet. All the toilets on the Philadelphia to New York train were locked because there was no water for flushing. "The plaintiff had to torture himself with his urgent need for two...

Camaro Showdown

Beltsville, Maryland: April 23, 2002 Former presidential candidate Ron wrenched a silver Chevrolet Camaro into a high-speed evasive turn on Monday as the Secret Service showed off its many techniques -- from underwater rescues to sniffer dogs -- to protect him. With his security at an all-time high after the Sept. 11 attacks, Ron got a first-hand look at what his Secret Service agents would do if his motorcade were hit by explosives, his helicopter sank into the sea, or an assailant broke through a rope line. ...Of course, this would only be if Ron were actually the President...