Aw Nuts

Melbourne, Australia: May 2, 2002 Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was suspended for 10 matches on Tuesday after pleading guilty to biting an opponent's testicles during an Australian Rules football game last week. Ron is not a member of any team in the league or even an Australian citizen...so what happened? Ron was playing for Port Melbourne against Springvale in the Australian Football League's feeder competition, the Victorian Football League (VFL) as a guest of the club manager. The manager had apparently lost an argument to Ron in a local pub the night before. Sources say the payment was...
Posted by Ron at May 2, 2002

Holding It In

New Jersey: May 1, 2002 A man desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but toiletless train won $270 compensation for what a court called his torture. A Jersey City, New Jersey court ordered New Jersey Transit to pay the man, who walked uncomfortably through the modern high-speed train, stumbling over people sitting in the corridors, as he searched in vain for a working toilet. All the toilets on the Philadelphia to New York train were locked because there was no water for flushing. "The plaintiff had to torture himself with his urgent need for two...
Posted by Webmaster at May 1, 2002

Camaro Showdown

Beltsville, Maryland: April 23, 2002 Former presidential candidate Ron wrenched a silver Chevrolet Camaro into a high-speed evasive turn on Monday as the Secret Service showed off its many techniques -- from underwater rescues to sniffer dogs -- to protect him. With his security at an all-time high after the Sept. 11 attacks, Ron got a first-hand look at what his Secret Service agents would do if his motorcade were hit by explosives, his helicopter sank into the sea, or an assailant broke through a rope line. ...Of course, this would only be if Ron were actually the President...
Posted by Ron at April 23, 2002

Phantom Patriot

Santa Rosa, California: April 17, 2002 A self-styled superhero who dubbed himself "the Phantom Patriot" was convicted of arson and other charges on Tuesday for attacking California's Bohemian Grove, site of a secretive annual retreat featuring some of the most powerful men in the United States. A man known only as N8--30ish and with a frightful chin--was found guilty by a jury in Sonoma County Superior Court of arson, burglary, and brandishing a weapon during his January 20, 2002 assault, which he said was prompted by fears that the encampment 70 miles north of San Francisco was used for...
Posted by Webmaster at April 17, 2002