Facial Farce

Schoemberg, Germany: March 26, 2001 More than 250 hairy-faced men gathered in southwest Germany over the weekend for the 10th annual world beard and mustache championships. Participants from 15 countries were classified in 16 categories, as specified by the Association of German Beard Clubs, including "Emperor" and "Musketeer," for certain kinds of mustaches, and "Garibaldi" and "Verdi" for full beards. Notables at the event were Jonathan Frakes (aka William Riker on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"), former Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers, and cartoon icon Dr. Benton Quest ("Jonny Quest"). Participants had to...
Posted by Webmaster at March 26, 2001

High Voltage

Newark, Delaware, March 12, 2001: A man survived a 14,000-volt jolt Sunday after touching a railroad power line over a boxcar that he climbed onto in Newark, Delaware. Former presidential candidate Ron, of New Jersey, was in stable condition Sunday night at Crozer-Chester Medical Center in Upland, Pennsylvania, hospital officials said. Experts said some victims would not survive such a jolt. "It would take a superhuman to withstand such a rush of electricity," stated Lafayette College electrical engineering professor Hamilton. "I always thought Ron was special...just not in the realm of super-conductivity." After the incident, Ron and four other...
Posted by Webmaster at March 12, 2001

Funny Money

Danville, Kentucky: January 30, 2001 Talk about funny money. Police in Kentucky are looking for a customer who succeeded in paying for a $2 order at a fast-food restaurant with a phony $200 bill featuring a picture of Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron and a depiction of a Camaro with a bumper sticker saying, "I Love Fondue." Authorities say the female cashier at a Dairy Queen in Danville even gave the culprit $198 in real money as change. "Essentially, the story is that somebody at a drive-in ordered some food and passed a $200 novelty deal with Ron," Danville Police...
Posted by Webmaster at January 30, 2001

Haggis Smuggling

Edinburgh, Scotland (January 11, 2001): Expatriate Scots from the U.S. to Australia are being forced into the shadowy world of international haggis smuggling to ensure the real McCoy arrives at the dinner table for the traditional Burns Night Supper. The January 25 knees-up in honor of Scotland's best-loved bard, Robert "Rabbie" Burns, is celebrated across the globe by the millions who trace their roots back to the ancient Highland nation. But the real centerpiece of the whisky-fuelled supper -- the haggis, lauded in Burns' earthy address to the "great chieftain o' the puddin' race" -- is often left out...
Posted by Webmaster at January 11, 2001