American Idolatry

Los Angeles, California, April 6, 2009: Is Adam Lambert gay? According to pictures that emerged on the web, he may well be. Big news on Sunday as pictures emerged of American Idol contestant Adam Lambert kissing another guy. The pictures surfaced on VotefortheWorst.com and show the 26-year old kissing a man identified by message boards as "Brad." The pictures are said to have originated from Lambert's personal Tribe.net page, as part of a Burning Man community. While Adam Lambert has yet to reveal his orientation, a lot of message boards have been running overtime on this topic. Before the...

Pistol Whipped

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 31, 2009: Hudson County authorities said a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect. The owner of Goomba's Pizzeria was charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail. The customer, identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, says he doesn't know what hit him. "Motherf*cker f*cked me up!" Ron said. "What the f*ck?!?" According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that the owner struck Ron with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to...

Brazil Nuts

Trenton, New Jersey, March 19, 2009: New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing. The state Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women and a man reported being injured. Both unnamed women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" waxes. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- was also treated for injuries following a similar procedure. Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs, and arms are permitted. But because the bare-it-all "Brazilian" version wasn't specifically banned,...

Tanning Dread

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 16, 2008: Authorities say a man escaped from a burning tanning bed just before it burst into flames, igniting a fire that damaged several stores and forced people to leave a shopping center. The New Jersey Spew reported Monday that no one was injured in the fire, including the man who jumped from the bed. The man was identified as mustachioed local politician Ron. The fire occurred Sunday at a tanning salon in Jersey City. Ron said he heard a popping noise while working on his tan, then saw a flame at the corner...