Vacuum Packed

Newark, New Jersey, October 23, 2008: Police say a New Jersey man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash. The New Jersey Spew reports the Jersey City man was approached by police early Thursday in Newark. The paper identified him as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad. Police Sgt. Gary Wallace says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:15 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught Brad in the act. Brad quickly apologized and zipped up. The officer then lectured Brad on the dangers and...

Breaking the Glass Ceiling

New York, New York, October 20, 2008: An angry wife, girlfriend, or constituent might not be the only thing to worry about when visiting a strip club. A man suing a Manhattan club claims a performer's shoe flew off during a pole dance; shattered the mirrored ceiling; and caused glass and the shoe to hit him. The lawsuit filed by presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) says the Booby Trap breached its duty when its employee failed to perform her routine in a reasonably safe manner. The suit seeks at least $15,000 in damages. Ron's attorney Andrew Sepe says his...

A Penny Saved...

Newark, New Jersey, October 17, 2008: Talk about squeezing every penny at the gas pump. Newark police say clerks at a gas station had a run-in with a man who insisted on using $10 worth of pennies to prepay for his fuel on Thursday. The clerks said they were too busy with other customers and vendors making deliveries to accept the sackful of cents from Ron -- a local politician running for president on the Ronatarian Party ticket. They said Ron was insistent and became offensive, so they called police and referred to him as an "unwanted person." Police...

Sign of Ron

Denver, Colorado, October 10, 2008: Picking a winner of the presidential contest is front and center at what's being billed as the largest astrologers' convention in years. More than 1,500 astrologers from 45 countries have descended on Denver for the "United Astrology Conference: Rockin' the Universe." The gathering concludes today with a panel predicting a presidential winner in November. Key to those picks: Astrological charts for John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democrat), and Ron (Ronatarian). And integral to those charts: The candidates' exact birth times. A hush fell over the convention hall late Thursday when Dallas astrologer Joni Patry...