Seeding Space

New York, New York, September 8, 2008: Should this world ever cease to exist, Stephen Colbert will live on. The comedian's DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station, Comedy Central is to announce today. In October, video game designer Richard Garriott will travel to the station and deposit Colbert's genes for an "Immortality Drive." "I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001," Colbert said in a statement, referring to the 1968 landmark science...

Clearing House

Newark, New Jersey, September 2, 2008: A volunteer at a Newark home for the elderly called firefighters for help on Monday because the toilets were exploding with steam. The fire department said there was a boiler malfunction at the Presbyterian Reformed Urban Nursing Establishment (PRUNE) that caused a minor explosion. The blast set off the sprinkler system and flooded the floors of the three-story building. The Labor Day volunteer who called in the situation -- identified as Ronatarian higher-up Brad -- was initially shocked by the explosions, but gathered his composure and dialed for help. The Newark Fire Department...

Raging Stoners

Denver, Colorado, August 27, 2008: A group of suspected drug users arrested in Denver this weekend with methamphetamine, guns, and bulletproof vests made anti-mustache threats against Ron, but posed no true danger to the longshot presidential candidate, federal authorities said Tuesday. That's because Ron has been in his home state of New Jersey all week. The three men -- all said to be high on methamphetamine when arrested -- are the subject of an assassination investigation, but so far, authorities say, it appears they had no capacity to carry out any attack. "The law recognizes a difference between a...

Bad Sign

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2008: A local politician got frustrated with the theft of campaign signs from his front yard so he rigged up an alarm system with string and bells -- and solved his own crime problem. "He slept the night in his living room fully dressed so he could be ready," police Detective Tony Augurt said Monday. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was jarred awake early Saturday when bells rang from a string anchored to a sign in his yard. He recorded the license plate of a man he says took a campaign sign supporting his...