It's Raining Men

Fort Riley, Kansas, July 18, 2008: A parachutist went off course Thursday at the start of a military review and dropped feet-first into the 1st Infantry Division's band, injuring three players. Several thousand people watched as the man under the red, white, and blue parachute landed on the 30-member band, about 50 yards off target. A gasp went up from the crowd, followed by silence as at least a dozen people rushed over to help. "I hear, 'Oh, expletive,' and immediately, I hear a crash,'" said the band's commander, Chief Warrant Officer Scott MacDonald. The three injured band members...

Loose Slots

Atlantic City, New Jersey, July 9, 2008: A Jersey City man who was playing slot machines at the Trump Taj Mahal casino claims he sat in a chair soaked with urine left by a gambler who had just exited the seat. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron recently filed a complaint with the New Jersey Casino Control Commission, saying the person who had been playing the slot machine moments earlier had urinated in the chair at the seaside casino. "My whole concern is that they fix this," he told The New Jersey Spew. "It's not apparent that they have anything...

Crosstown Traffic

Elizabeth, New Jersey, July 2, 2008: An Awosting man whose SUV was cut off in traffic was arrested after he allegedly shot at a motorist with a crossbow following a brief chase. "It was a drive-by crossbow shooting," stated Ron, a presidential candidate for the Ronatarian Party who said he was the man's intended target. "I wish I could say I've never been shot at by a crossbow before..." (See Crossing Ron) Warren Alan Dierks Jr., 26, posted bail after his arrest Tuesday on charges of committing a terroristic act, possession of an instrument of crime, driving while intoxicated,...

Up Against The Glass

New York, New York, June 30, 2008: New York City police say a New Jersey man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong. A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Manhattan with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke." It says that at one point the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere." The statement released this morning says police detained the three men after...