Sizing Someone Up

New York, New York, March 6, 2008: A tourist ended up in court after punching a man over a breach of urinal etiquette. Minnesotan Edward Aldridge, 47, punched his victim twice after he used the urinal next to him in a bar in Manhattan. Aldridge accused his victim -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- of looking at him "and [his] unit," reports The New Jersey Spew. Speaking in his defense, counsel Liz Bulger said: "This incident arose from what I understand to be urinal etiquette. "When the victim spoke to the defendant he was effectively smirking. The...

Take a Stab at That

Norristown, PA, March 1, 2008: Montgomery County authorities say a man stabbed his brother-in-law during an argument over who should get the Ronatarian nomination for president. What's more, Jose Ortiz, 28, who's charged with felony assault, is a registered Democrat. District Attorney Lisa Ferman said Ortiz supports Ron and Sean "Boom Boom" Shurelds supports Brad. She told reporters Friday that the two got into an argument in a Collegeville home Thursday night and Shurelds tried to choke Ortiz. She says Ortiz then stabbed Shurelds in the abdomen. Shurelds was taken to a hospital in critical condition, but is expected...

A Penny For Your Policies

New Rochelle, New York, February 21, 2008: For Jeff Haber and son Danny framing pennies makes sense. For decades, the elder Haber stashed the often-overlooked or unwanted copper coins. More recently, he decided to put them to good use. "I had a ton of pennies," Jeff Haber said. "I have 30 years of collected pennies." Inspiration came in the form of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln made entirely of pennies that he saw at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Florida about eight years ago. He and his son decided they were up for the challenge. But...

GQ Endorses the Mustache

The 50th anniversary issue of Gentleman's Quarterly magazine (October 2007) lauded the mustache; and therefore praises the glory of the men (and women) who wear them. I think we all know who GQ will endorse for President in the 2008 election: Ron. It's so obvious....

Crush Groove

Newark, New Jersey, February 15, 2008: It was a brush with death that still has Ron shuddering. The quasi-famous politico was driving home when a 40-foot-long container flew off a flatbed truck and fell on top of his moving car, crushing it. He survived with just minor injuries. "The damn thing fell right on me," said Ron, who was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike Thursday when the freakish accident occurred. "I escaped death by an inch and I'm still shook up thinking about it. I guess it wasn't my time to die," he told the New Jersey Spew...