wRONg Way

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 14, 2013: Police in New Jersey are investigating an accident in which the driver claimed his GPS told him to ignore the end of a road and to drive straight into a house, seriously injuring two people in the car. It happened early Saturday morning where [redacted] meets [redacted] in Jersey City. The exact location has been withheld to protect the owner of the home -- politico Ron. Ron insisted to authorities not to divulge his address to "keep away the loonies who pester me night and day to run for President in 2016."...

Ronnie Chapstick

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 31, 2013: It was an unusually tight-lipped call for help. The frightened man on the phone could only grunt as he pleaded for an ambulance to be sent to his home. The 911 call, received around midnight yesterday, sparked fears that local politico Ron was being held captive. But it turned out he had accidentally super-glued his lips together. "Our ambulance received a call, but due to the muffled speech...they were unsure whether it was a medical event or whether someone had been gagged," Sgt. Marc Aitken said. "Basically, he could only grunt." Ambulance...

I See Ron's Face Everywhere I Look

June 14, 2014: We at Ron Headquarters receive many letters from adoring fans, lunatics, Republicans, billiard aficionados, and haters. While our communications team typically just uses a circular filing system to process unsolicited correspondence sent to Ron, once in a while a letter or picture strikes a chord. Ron's handlers and volunteer supporters found this note and attached picture to be particularly heartwarming. I'll let the admirer's words speak for themselves: Dear sir/madam/other, I used to not give a flying [expletive] about politics or religion or animal rights. Then I met my boyfriend -- yes, I'm a homo. He...

Emergencheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 27, 2013: A New Jersey man got the attention of local police after he tried to order a cheeseburger by calling 911 nine times. According to The New Jersey Spew, aspiring local politician Ron has reportedly had past run-ins with police. However, this incident may be the most bizarre. Ron reportedly made the nine phone calls in just 90 minutes inquiring about a cheeseburger. Despite the series of strange calls, the dispatcher was reportedly concerned Ron was calling because he hadn’t eaten food in a long time. Eventually, Jersey City police showed up at...