Cat Scratch Fever

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 17, 2007: Three stray cats attacked two people after they got into a house in Jersey City. "I thought I had seen it all, but I have never seen anything like this," Chief of Police Martin Gutschenritter said Sunday. A call for help Saturday took animal control officer John Pettit to the home of Ronatarian party leaders Ron and Brad, Gutschenritter said. Ron told Pettit he had captured three cats in a bedroom. "Ron said the cats had gotten into the house when the front door was open," Gutschenritter said, then attacked Brad and...

Jive Turkey

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 11, 2007: The noise that Ron heard while sitting in his living room was a turkey that crashed through a second-story bedroom window. Ron was relaxing in his suburban home Monday when the uninvited guest arrived. Ron called the fire department and they tried to corral the 25-pound bird as it flapped around on the carpet amid blood and shards of glass. After about 30 minutes of trying to ease the turkey toward the window with a broomstick and a bong, Ron cornered the bird, grabbed it by the neck, and threw it out...

Sword Play

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 28, 2007: A man says he broke into a house with a samurai sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his neighbor was watching. "Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning November 26, damaging the frame...

Stiffy

Trenton, New Jersey, November 20, 2007: A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. The lawsuit filed by Ron, of Jersey City, said he bought the nutrition beverage, which is made by the Novartis pharmaceutical company, at a drugstore on October 14, 2007, and drank it. Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in...