Scrap Metal

Bay City, Michigan, June 6, 2007: Buying a keg for your next party just got a little more expensive. Large breweries have complained about losing thousands of beer kegs a year in Michigan because retail beer customers have been selling off the stainless steel barrels at scrap yards rather than returning them to stores to get their $10 deposit back. As a result, state alcohol officials have boosted the deposit from $10 to $30, The Bay City Times reported Tuesday. The action ruffled political feathers 700 miles away in New Jersey where Ronatarian Party leader Ron learned of the...
Posted by Bittle at June 6, 2007

Chicken Little

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 25, 2007: A local politician believes a chunk of blue ice from the holding tank of an aircraft toilet ripped a hole in his roof and destroyed his bed. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was trimming his famous mustache when the ice crashed into the house Thursday night. "It was a huge crash. It shook the whole building, but I thought it was a car," Ron said. "I almost cut my lip on that one." Ron went outside to investigate but found nothing, so he returned to his mustache upkeep. He didn't discover...
Posted by Bittle at May 25, 2007

Coming Unglued

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 22, 2007: A gang of armed robbers forced a man to strip naked and then glued him to his exercise bike and sealed his lips with more glue while they ransacked his house, according to a published newspaper article. Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad was left stuck to the bike with super-strong glue for three hours until he was rescued by Ronatarian leader, and fellow housemate, Ron. Brad was carjacked Monday while driving his tricked-out Dodge Neon in Newark's seedy downtown, the New Jersey Spew reported. His assailants, dressed in suits and armed with handguns...
Posted by Bittle at May 22, 2007

Horse Cents

Wayne, New Jersey, May 4, 2007: An early-morning bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse already in line at the automatic teller machine in front of him. It seems the horse's rider, identified as Ronatarian leader Ron, had a bit too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's protected foyer, police said Thursday. The quasi-famous politico told The New Jersey Spew he had quaffed "a few beers" with a friend in town and decided to hit the hay in the bank on his way home....
Posted by Bittle at May 4, 2007