I Got Da Motts!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 20, 2006: A quasi-famous customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said. The suspect shot himself in the head during the struggle, and passed out after the customer -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- administered four blows to the head with the Mott's applesauce. "Finally, the guy passes out," said Det. Curtis Mayfield. "There's blood everywhere -- on the floor, all over." About 15 customers were in Gomez Grocery in the city's East Lafayette...
Posted by Bittle at July 20, 2006

Egghead

Almaty, Kazakhstan, July 18, 2006: A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Ron" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Monday. "Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Ron' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform. "We don't know who Ron is, but we'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad." The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village. Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni...
Posted by Bittle at July 18, 2006

Kiss the Buddha

Trenton, New Jersey, July 7, 2006: In between answering questions Thursday about North Korea's missiles, Iran's nuclear program, and American Idol winner Taylor Hicks, Ronatarian party official Brad answered what was for many observers a more burning question: What compelled him to kiss the bare stomach of a young boy in a Trenton park? Footage of the July 2 incident was broadcast on all local television stations. It quickly became fodder for internet chat rooms and topped the national tabloids the day after. The question was one of the most popular among the hundreds e-mailed in for a live...
Posted by Bittle at July 7, 2006

Nomination, Shmomination

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 27, 2006: Denied the Ronatarian nomination to run for Congress, a psychotherapist who conducts nude group sessions told party leaders in an e-mail to kiss his rump. Ronatarians on Monday chose no nominee rather than select Bill Williamson of Hudson County to run for the vacant 13th District seat. New Jersey's 13th Congressional District currently has no representative in the House of Representatives. Robert Menendez resigned from this seat on January 16, 2006 in advance of his assumption of the Senate seat vacated by Jon Corzine, who in turn left his Senate seat to...
Posted by Bittle at June 27, 2006