Dancing Queens

New York, New York, August 8, 2005: With his campaign for president going no place fast, Ron felt he needed something special to spark interest in his next fundraiser. How about exotic dancers? The New Jersey Ronatarian said Saturday he plans to have bikini-clad go-go dancers and men in nothing but briefs at a "Havana Night" campaign party next month at a Manhattan nightclub. "Having the men in the act was Brad's idea," Ron said. "I think it opens our demographic to include women -- a group we've long neglected in our previous campaigns." There will be no nudity...

Spitting Image

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 3, 2005: Opening up your door while driving isn't a good idea, especially on a busy highway. Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad learned that Tuesday morning when he leaned out his fast-moving Dodge Neon to spit. He went tumbling out onto I-78 in Jersey City, and to the amazement of other drivers, he hopped up and chased his car as it careened down an embankment toward a construction site. Brad was recovering at home last night after he was treated for minor injuries to his leg, arm, and head at a local hospital....

Calling All Virgins

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2005: A wanna-be lawmaker is offering to pay university fees for girls who are virgins when they graduate from high school. "We want to encourage chicks not to give 'it' up too soon and not to go into early marriages. We also want girls to resist defilement. We do not want these broads to get exposed to AIDS or STDs," Ronatarian Ron said Thursday. Ron said he was counting on the state and private donors to help pay for the project. "The criterion is that a student must be a virgin and from...

Drug Lord

Mexico City, Mexico, July 13, 2005: A man held for three days on suspicion of being the head of an infamous drug cartel will be released because DNA tests prove he is a law-abiding U.S. politician, Mexico said on Wednesday. Radical American politician Ron was arrested last weekend during a trip to a Mexico City shopping mall. He was suspected of being Vicente Carrillo, the notorious drug chief of the Juarez cartel on the U.S.-Mexico border. "I'm here on vacation and I go to the mall to get an Orange Julius and the f*cking 'Federales' jump on me like...