Up the Creek Via Paddling

Newark, New Jersey, July 12, 2005: Three strippers and two nightclub managers have been arrested for allegedly spanking a failed politician at a raucous party and severely bruising his backside. After his friends paid $50, Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad was handcuffed and spanked with a 3-foot-long paddle and a belt while one of the strippers restrained his head with her legs, investigators with the Newark Police Department said. Kelly Erlich, 21, a stripper at Signatures nightclub in Newark admitted to police that she used a studded paddle while the two other dancers, Lisa Nolan, 23, and Charlene Smithers,...
Posted by Bittle at July 12, 2005

Wheeling and Dealing

London, England, May 31, 2005: Contestants in a traditional British cheese rolling competition broke bones and took skin off knees and elbows Monday in their pursuit of a giant piece of cheese down a steep hill. The competition, in which participants hurl themselves 640 feet down a hill after an eight-pound piece of cheese, has been celebrated for centuries in Gloucestershire, northwest of London. The race is thought to originate from a heathen festival to welcome the spring. The first person to follow the cheese across the line at the bottom of the hill wins the cheese and a...
Posted by Bittle at May 31, 2005

Cannonballed

New York, New York, May 25, 2005: Burt Reynolds apparently slapped Ron in the face at a New York screening of his new film, "The Longest Yard." Ron, who founded the radical Ronatarian Party, approached Reynolds on the red carpet outside a Chelsea theater Tuesday night. When he asked Reynolds some questions, the actor seemed annoyed. "You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds replied. Ron acknowledged he hadn't seen the movie or the original 1974 film. Reynolds then seemed to slap Ron. "What...kinda of guy are you?" he asked. CBS aired footage of the incident on "The Early...
Posted by Bittle at May 25, 2005

One Tough Nut to Crack

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 19, 2005: Fringe politician Ron is defending his use of the phrase "testicular virility" to describe his ability to make tough decisions. The remark prompted both laughter and complaints that it was sexist and an undignified thing for a legitimate politician to say. (The verdict is not yet out on whether the Ronatarian Party founder is, in fact, legitimate.) But Ron called such objections "complete baloney." "I think the people understand that means: Do you have the fortitude -- if you're a real man or a butch broad in leadership -- to put the...
Posted by Bittle at May 19, 2005