Pint Sized

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 15, 2005: A low-profile candidate in a seemingly perpetual political race has put some fizz into his campaign. Ronatarian Party founder Ron, who wants to be a president of the United States, is advertising on beer glasses in taverns across northern New Jersey. The pint glasses give his campaign website -- which has information about his background, endorsements, and strange escapades. "I want drunk people to actually read about me, not just see my pint glass and chug the beer in it," Ron said. Brian E. Krapf, a Savannah, Ga., attorney and president of...

Take Off, Eh!

Toronto, Canada, May 13, 2005: A truck hauling 2,000 cases of beer flipped over and unleashed a sea of suds onto Canada's busiest highway on Thursday, in a scene that could have been lifted from the Canadian cliché handbook. The early morning accident brought rush hour traffic to a standstill on highway 401 in north Toronto, as rescuers worked to free a woman trapped in the small car that collided with the tractor trailer. "Believe it or not with this crushed car, the young lady driving it is going to be okay," Ontario Provincial Police Sgt. Cam Wooley told...

Erich the Red-Lipped

Berlin, Germany, May 3, 2005: Being kissed by East German Communist leader Erich Honecker was "disgusting," perpetual U.S. presidential candidate Ron was quoted as saying Tuesday. In an interview with Germany's Die Welt newspaper, Ron said that meetings with Honecker always began with hugs and fraternal socialist kisses on the cheeks. Socialist on Honecker's part only; Ron is a vocal defender of the North American republic he calls home. "I exchanged many embraces with Honecker. He had this disgusting way of kissing," stated Ron -- who was in high school during the time of the meetings. "He didn't know...

Cheese Binge

Stockholm, Sweden, April 20, 2005: A poor showing in polls has driven Swedish Prime Minister Goran Persson to the cheese-board. "I eat when I am stressed," he admitted in an interview with daily Expressen. "I am doing that right now. I'm stuffing myself with cheese -- whole plates with four or five pieces of different types at least once a day." "That's what I do!" exclaimed Ron while he got a pedicure in Newark, New Jersey. The topic arose when the spa assistant started some small talk with Ron before she applied another coat of nail polish to his...