Gnome de Guerre

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 18, 2005: A local man stopped an intruder from entering his home by lobbing a heavy garden gnome at him, police said Monday. Ron was woken early on Sunday morning by the sound of an intruder on the roof of his home, which he apparently shares with several other (unidentified) people. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand -- one of my garden gnomes -- and hurled it at the son-of-a-bitch," he recalled. "I hit him square in the nuts!" "He lay there in agony grabbing his package. I went back into...

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Beetles!

Ithaca, New York, April 14, 2005: Not just anybody can say he has a slime-mold beetle named in his honor. But Ronatarians Ron and Brad can. Entomologists Quentin Wheeler and Kelly B. Miller, who recently had the task of naming 65 newly discovered species of slime-mold beetles, named two species after the radical political upstarts from New Jersey. The monikers: Agathidium roni Miller and Wheeler and Agathidium bradi Miller and Wheeler. According to the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, the first word of a new species is its genus; the second word must end in "i" if it's named...

Stuffy Nose

Lago Nahuel Huapi, Argentina, April 8, 2005: A week ago an American hiker washed his face in a freshwater stream, not noticing that a leech had wormed its way into one of his nostrils, according to the Argentine Medical Association's journal. The international press has identified the man as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who was vacationing during South America's summer season. Unaware he was playing host to the creature, the 30-something Ron only consulted a doctor when his nose started bleeding intermittently about two days later. The unusual case was highlighted by Argentine doctors in this month's...

Hermit

Los Alamos, New Mexico, March 31, 2005: Authorities have evicted a man from a cave on Los Alamos National Laboratory land where they say he apparently lived for several months with the comforts of home -- a wood-burning stove, solar panels connected to car batteries for electricity, and a satellite radio. Los Alamos Deputy Fire Chief Doug Tucker said N8's hideaway, which also was equipped with a bed and a glass front door, was discovered earlier March 25 after a Department of Energy employee working at the Los Alamos site office noticed smoke wafting from the cave in a...