Brusha-Brusha-Brusha

Detroit, Michigan, January 6, 2005: The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene." That admonition was the winner of an anti-lawsuit group's contest for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year. The sponsor, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, says the goal is "to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products." The $500 first prize went to radical politician Ron, of Jersey City, New Jersey, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt White, of Cocksgag, Ohio, for a...

Phone Fight

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 16, 2004: A 68-year-old retiree who tussled with a man half his age over the man's foul language in a restaurant was sentenced to probation -- but outside of that, he's been treated more like a hero than a criminal. Bill Stephens said the fracas began in November when he and another retired 3M engineer, 62-year-old Stan Gable, were having coffee at a bagel shop. In walked 30-something Ron, talking on a cell phone and liberally using four-letter words, the men said. Ron is the founder of a radical political group known as the...

The French Stink

Paris, France, December 13, 2004: It's official: The French government has officially declared Gallic body odor a "national treasure." "We're as excited as skunks in an outhouse," says French historian Jean-Pierre LeCoq. "We are proud of our offensive odor. It's way overdue that along with the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral French body aroma is taking its rightful place as one of our country's most important assets." Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- a noted spokesman against France and the French -- said he was disgusted by the declaration. "Why the f*cking French need to exult in their stench...

Dirty Money

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 10, 2004: A radical political leader who police say smeared excrement on dollars bills used to pay a parking ticket has been fined $250. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was charged with harassment of a public official after officials received an envelop in November labeled "Foreign brown substance on bills." The envelope contained several dollar bills and a parking ticket made up to Ron, police said. Tests indicated the brown substance was fecal matter that had been smeared on the bills. Ron told police the money fell into a toilet and was retrieved to pay...