Bad Neighbors

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 7, 2004: A small time political headquarters faces a lawsuit from neighbors who claim that it is a public nuisance. Twenty-two neighbors of Ronatarian Party Headquarters, a dilapidated house used by Ronatarian Party volunteers and staffers, are seeking $500 each, or $11,000 total, in small claims court. A hearing is scheduled for Friday. The neighbors say they have endured years or raucous pool parties, nighttime bong drumming, outdoor naked "beer pong," and garbage that attracts rats. Disturbances described range from the beheading of a chicken with garden shears to Ronatarian Party members flinging chunks...
Posted by Bittle at December 7, 2004

Cheese Vandals

Monkton, Vermont, November 23, 2004: Wanted: Cheese vandals. Someone sneaked into the production house at Orb Weaver Farm and punctured 237 wheels of cheese there. The cheese, a blend of havarti and colby that made up nearly a year's production at the farm, can no longer be sold or eaten because of the contamination last week. "I'm speechless," said a distraught Ron -- a known lover of all types of cheeses. "I mean, who would do such a thing? Was it bin Laden!?! I swear if Tom Ridge or Condoleezza Rice knew about a possible attack like this and...
Posted by Bittle at November 23, 2004

Leaf Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 17, 2004: Perhaps it's just a seasonal affliction, but a man has been officially warned by police in what was described as a "leaf rage" incident. Ronatarian Party leader Ron became angry when city employees told him they would not remove leaves from his property, police said. He had to be physically restrained Tuesday after confronting town workers clearing leaves in his neighborhood. Operations supervisor Robert Gerbert said Ron was a "raving maniac." "He grabbed my jacket and said, 'You're not going anywhere,'" Gerbert said. "The guy was spitting and swearing -- it was...
Posted by Bittle at November 17, 2004

Ron Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush & Kerry

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 4, 2004: Supporters of presidential candidate Ron blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Ron by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," the Ronatarian campaign manager Bittle said. "It's an outrage. If Ron were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Ron is expected to characterize Bush and Kerry as "spoilers" and "political hacks."...
Posted by Bittle at November 4, 2004