Varmints

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 21, 2004: A man missed a mouse he was trying to shoot with a small-caliber handgun and wounded his roommate instead, state police said. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron was trying to kill the rodent with a .22-caliber handgun when his vice presidential candidate Brad apparently went into the line of fire and was hit in the arm early Wednesday morning, state police said. Brad was taken to a local hospital where he was listed in fair condition Wednesday, said hospital spokesman Greg Chiappelli. Neither Ron nor Brad could immediately be reached for comment....
Posted by Bittle at October 21, 2004

Pyramid

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, October 18, 2004: Prosecutors dropped the charges Friday against six men arrested for protesting the Abu Ghraib prison-abuse scandal by stripping down to their thong underwear and forming a human pyramid during a visit by President Bush. The men were all identified as Ronatarian Party members and volunteers. The off-beat partys founder and leader Ron was on the top of the pyramid in an American flag thong. Many critics feel the act was merely a political stunt to bring awareness to the radical political agenda brought forward by the Ronatarians. "Hogwash!" said Ron. Lancaster County District Attorney...
Posted by Bittle at October 18, 2004

Emin-enemy

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 14, 2004: Ron is angered by the way he is mocked in rapper Eminem's recently released video "Just Lose It" and has asked cable music stations to remove the video from their rotations. In the video, Eminem is costumed as Ron and is seen with a group of boys in the background, jumping around as he sings about shaving off his mustache: "Come here, little kiddie, in my barber's chair. Guess who's back with less facial hair." "I am very angry at Eminem's depiction of me in his video," Ron said Wednesday in an...
Posted by Bittle at October 14, 2004

Pouring Gas on the Fire

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 7, 2004: If you can't stand the heat, don't pour gasoline down the toilet. An apartment tenant made that $10,000 mistake Wednesday. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad came home for lunch and found gas leaking from the tank of his car -- a tricked out Dodge Neon. He caught the gas, and decided to dispose of it by dumping it down the toilet. But the pilot light of a water heater ignited the fumes, causing a small explosion. The blast destroyed the porcelain toilet, and the intense heat from the flames melted the remaining...
Posted by Bittle at October 7, 2004