Hello, Dolly!

Bloomington, Minnesota, September 1, 2004: A man caught having sex with a blow-up doll in The Mall of America had to be physically parted from his rubber lover and escorted away, said police in Minneapolis Wednesday. The 30-something man was caught with his trousers down early Tuesday evening after alarmed witnesses alerted the police. The man was identified as the enigmatic N8 -- a mysterious individual loosely tied to the Ronatarian Party. Ronatarian headquarters refused to comment on the incident. "It was real...N8 was caught in mid-action with the doll," said a press spokeswoman for the mall. Police said...
Posted by Bittle at September 1, 2004

Clogged

Port of Sweet Grass, Montana, August 26, 2004: Ron insists he didn't do it on purpose, but the toilet he left plugged after "nature called" at this border crossing in north-central Montana has him facing criminal charges. Toole County authorities charged the New Jersey native with criminal mischief after a border agent accused him of intentionally clogging the toilet. Ron said the clogged piping was completely unintentional, the result of an urgent, but natural bodily function. "I've never been arrested before or anything like that [sic], and I get arrested for taking a dump," said Ron, the presidential candidate...
Posted by Bittle at August 26, 2004

Barbie-4-Prez

New Yok, New York, August 13, 2004: Barbie thinks she knows who can make a difference in this year's presidential race -- girls -- and she's the one who is going to represent them. The Mattel doll has thrown her hat into the ring as the candidate of the Party of Girls! She unveiled her platform Thursday at the Toys "R" Us store in Times Square. She has pledged a campaign that will concentrate on creating world peace, helping the homeless and poor, and taking care of animals. "What a load of B.S.!" said fellow presidential candidate Ron, who...
Posted by Bittle at August 13, 2004

Teasing Tees with T's

Newark, New Jersey, August 2, 2004: A couple of men returning home from a Puerto Rican vacation were ejected from an American Airlines flight because one man was wearing a T-shirt depicting a bare breast. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron and his running mate Brad were forcibly removed from Flight 952 on Sunday after Ron refused to change the shirt or turn it inside out at Miami International Airport. The two men, who were making a connecting flight, said nobody on their earlier flight objected to the shirt and claimed the airline violated their constitutional right to free speech....
Posted by Bittle at August 2, 2004