Cheap Skate

Newark, New Jersey: November 20, 2003 A man and a pay phone were rushed to a hospital after he got his finger stuck in the coin return slot while trying to retrieve his 50 cents. Emergency room doctors gave Ronatarian Party founder Ron a painkiller Monday and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and lubricant, ending the three-hour ordeal. "The bone in my finger felt like it was going to break. My finger was numb. It was very painful," said Ron, a yet-to-be-formally declared 2004 presidential candidate. "That's my flippin'-off finger too...it's my 'bird.'" Ron had...

Ribbon Cutting

Jersey City, New Jersey: September 9, 2003 The Chamber of Commerce has held a ribbon-cutting ceremony for an unusual structure - a toilet. The Ronatarian Party came dangerously close to losing its headquarters because it lacked two restrooms, as required by Jersey City zoning codes. One code states that "any...former residence being used as a brothel, political headquarters, bingo hall, or other similar function shall have two separate commodes to service the masses' asses." Party founder and leader Ron said he didn't think to check with the city about its zoning rules when he hastily named a run-down home...

Trick Or Treat

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 4, 2003 A man faces charges after he smashed a bird-feeder and threw a pumpkin through the window of a house where his vice-presidential running-mate said he didn't get any Halloween candy. Police reports show presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) taking his running-mate Brad trick-or-treating about 6:30 p.m. Friday when they went to a house where a woman was passing out candy. Ron waited at the curb while Brad went to the door. (Ron gave up trick-or-treating in the late 1990s, but continues to support Brad in his endeavors on Halloween night.) Brad returned...

Relief At 30,000 Feet

Manila, Philippines, October 27, 2003 The Philippine government press undersecretary has apologized for an American guest urinating while drunk on President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's chartered jet last month, newspapers reported Wednesday. The Philippine Star daily said American Ronatarian Party leader Ron relieved himself near the plane's emergency exit, which he apparently mistook for a restroom. Arroyo was on the other side of the plane en route to Manila from a visit to New York. She did not see the accident take place or Ron's exposed shlong. "I deeply apologize about all the shattered expectations," The Star and Business World...