Naked Bicycles

Seattle, Washington: May 4, 2003 A New Jersey man has sued Seattle police for the right for city revelers to celebrate the arrival of spring naked and on bicycles. In Seattle, rain-soaked citizens celebrate the return of sunshine with an annual summer solstice parade featuring traditions like samba dancers, colorful floats, and -- believe it or not -- nude bicyclists. But with officials regularly hinting they may crack down on this cheeky biking trend, a national nudity advocate and third party presidential candidate has sued the police, demanding they keep their pants on while he takes his off. Although...
Posted by Webmaster at May 4, 2003

Air Raid Siren

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 21, 2003 A local man who used an air raid siren to stun his political opponents into submission has had it confiscated by local police. "My detractors never let me get a word in edgeways," the man identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron told police. "So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time at the debates. Afterwards, it's real quiet again...with me in the cat-bird's seat." A police spokesman said neighbors had complained at the noise from the 220-volt device, believed...
Posted by Ron at April 21, 2003

Doggie Bags

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 9, 2003 Two men who authorities say used dog feces to settle a grudge may have stepped into something themselves. Jersey City prosecutors authorized littering charges against Ronatarian running-mates Ron and Brad. The two denied all allegations. "We didn't do nothing!" exclaimed Ron from his party headquarters. "I was home with Ron the entire time," said Brad. State police from the local post say the suspects threw 40 plastic bags filled with dog feces and toilet paper on the roadway in front of another person's house. The harassed individual was not identified. No motive...
Posted by Webmaster at April 9, 2003

Bullshit & Cow Pies

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 2, 2003 A New Jersey artist/inventor/politician who turned wandering cows into poets (see "Cow Poetry") wants to expand his repertoire to include cow dung wrist watches. "Artists are always looking for new materials and I was struck by the similarities in the consistency of the manure to my paints," said Ron, a presidential candidate from his own Ronatarian Party. "I used sheep droppings at first but they were too small, so I switched to cow dung." Ron said the idea came to him as he walked through a mound-filled March Field (Lafayette College, Easton,...
Posted by Ron at April 2, 2003