Bullshit & Cow Pies

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 2, 2003 A New Jersey artist/inventor/politician who turned wandering cows into poets (see "Cow Poetry") wants to expand his repertoire to include cow dung wrist watches. "Artists are always looking for new materials and I was struck by the similarities in the consistency of the manure to my paints," said Ron, a presidential candidate from his own Ronatarian Party. "I used sheep droppings at first but they were too small, so I switched to cow dung." Ron said the idea came to him as he walked through a mound-filled March Field (Lafayette College, Easton,...

Pork Chops

Somerville, New Jersey: March 31, 2003 A man accused of savagely stabbing a pet pig, then blurting out in drunkenness that he wanted pork chops, will be tried on charges of animal cruelty. The punishment could be a substantial fine plus up to 90 days in jail. The enigmatic N8 injured the 50-pound Vietnamese potbellied pig so severely in the incident that it had to be killed because one stab wound left it unable to walk. Prosecutors said N8 made drunken, belligerent comments to sheriff's deputies. One deputy stated N8 was covered in blood and had pig feces all...

Sneakers

Montpelier, Vermont: March 19, 2003 A New Jersey man walked away with the top prize of a $500 savings bond on Tuesday in the annual Rotten Sneaker contest. But thirty-something Ron says he's not taking full credit for the sneakers, which stumped a judge in the "heels" category because they didn't have any heels left. The Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate says his neighbor's poodle helped make his entry the winner. "I had a fight with the dog," said Ron, who operates out of Jersey City, and advanced from the local competition held there last November. "I was...

Horse's Ass

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 18, 2003 A judge on Friday blocked a tongue-in-cheek ballot measure targeting the well-known supporter of several "anti-social" initiatives. The initiative would have allowed voters in November to decide whether local politico Ron is "a horse's ass." Joshua Howard, a critic of Ron, contends his initiative had a serious goal of prompting discussion about how Ron and others may be abusing the political process. Ron has supported initiatives including a rollback of affirmative action, property tax limits, the "Bilingual Cheese Manifesto," and "Porn for Tots." James Phallis, an attorney for the state, had argued...