Icing

Calgary, Alberta, Canada: February 13, 2003 An American man who climbed naked over the glass at a Calgary Flames hockey game, then tumbled onto the ice and knocked himself out pleaded guilty Wednesday to public drunkenness. Judge Cheryl Daniels ordered Rontarian vice presidential candidate Brad to donate $1,650 to charity and perform 35 hours of community service. He also must undergo alcohol counseling. The judge criticized Brad for what she called a "pathetic spectacle of yourself splayed naked on the ice for six minutes until you were covered." Brad climbed over the glass wearing only red socks during the...

Canadian Girlfriend

Jersey City, New Jersey: February 5, 2003 Despite his insistence, bachelor presidential candidate Ron has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada, sources close to the famous Ronatarian reported Friday. Ever since the summer, Ron has been telling friends and associates that he is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Veronique Grosjean," an alleged Banff, Alberta 28-year-old chamber maid. According to Ron, he and Grosjean met last July while both were working at a band camp in the Boundary Waters region of northern Minnesota near the U.S.-Canadian border. Ron taught kids how...

Brad Fraud

Jersey City, New Jersey: January 30, 2003 A man who says he bought magic wands from a self-described psychic to erase negative thoughts says $5,400 of his money was all that disappeared. Ronatarian Brad said he paid a woman who claims to be a psychic $1,800 for each of three wands. "She was a terrific actress," Brad said. "I believed her...she was hot." No word yet as to why Brad needed to have three different magic wands in his possession or what he would wish for. The odd situation is providing fodder for Ronatarian detractors here and abroad. "Tell...

Brazil Nut

Belo Horizonte, Brazil: January 26, 2003 A mayor from Brazil's ruling Workers' Party, whose disappearance had alarmed the government, was found in a hotel after a three-day drinking binge which started at a brothel. Fearing mayor Chico Ferramenta could be the latest victim of a series of attacks on local Workers' Party officials, senior party officials had asked local police in the state of Minas Gerais to launch a thorough search. Ferramenta is semi-known in the United States because of his association with Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron. The two have struck up a friendly working relationship over the internet....