Swinging After Hours

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 24, 2002: A pair of weary Ronatarians have gone to court to try to close down a swingers' club on the ground floor of their building. They claim the club's members' moans of pleasure and screams of delight are keeping them awake. "Brad has to reach for the ear plugs every night because the unmistakable sounds of sexual intercourse can be heard throughout the building," said Ronatarian Party founder Ron who lives with his running mate (Brad) on the second floor, directly above the club known as "Zwielicht" -- a German word meaning both...

Ron-Paper-Scissors

Toronto, Canada: November 19, 2002 Give Ron a hand - for being the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors player. The notorious American politician has won the World Rock Paper Scissors Society's first open international championship. He was among more than 250 grownups who took part in the competition over the weekend in Toronto. While Rock, Paper, Scissors is usually a kids' game, not this time. He won more than the last slice of pizza. First prize was $1,200, a video game system, and a gold medal. Ron says the secret to winning is maintaining a clear mind and judging...

Misnaming

St. Paul, Minnesota: November 5, 2002 A steaming-mad Governor Jesse Ventura appointed a fellow independent to temporarily fill Senator Paul Wellstone's seat Monday, while Ronatarian Party founder Ron publically fumed at the governor's decision. Ventura's choice of Dean Barkley, a major figure in Minnesota's third-party movement, leaves control of the Senate up in the air. The two major parties now have 49 members each, with two independents. The "even Senate" is not what has riled up the feisty Ron, but the man who "independently filled the seat"--Gov. Ventura. "Jesse owes me $50," said Ron during a phone interview on...

Midterm Elections, 2002

Neither of our candidates below won in the midterm elections. What the hell? Don't you people vote? We'll be sure to get them in next year.

Idiots

Santa Fe, New Mexico: November 4, 2002 New Mexico voters will decide on Tuesday whether they want "idiots" and "insane persons" to vote in their state. Under the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, "idiots" and "insane persons," as well as those "convicted of a felonious or infamous crime" are currently prohibited from voting. The Ronatarian Party is lobbying to change that. Proposed Amendment 2 on the November 5 ballot would strike the terms "idiots" and "insane persons" from the Constitution. The measure will better reflect current understanding of mental health, enpower more local Ronatarian Party members, and remove archaic...