Ron-Paper-Scissors

Toronto, Canada: November 19, 2002 Give Ron a hand - for being the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors player. The notorious American politician has won the World Rock Paper Scissors Society's first open international championship. He was among more than 250 grownups who took part in the competition over the weekend in Toronto. While Rock, Paper, Scissors is usually a kids' game, not this time. He won more than the last slice of pizza. First prize was $1,200, a video game system, and a gold medal. Ron says the secret to winning is maintaining a clear mind and judging...
Posted by Webmaster at November 19, 2002

Misnaming

St. Paul, Minnesota: November 5, 2002 A steaming-mad Governor Jesse Ventura appointed a fellow independent to temporarily fill Senator Paul Wellstone's seat Monday, while Ronatarian Party founder Ron publically fumed at the governor's decision. Ventura's choice of Dean Barkley, a major figure in Minnesota's third-party movement, leaves control of the Senate up in the air. The two major parties now have 49 members each, with two independents. The "even Senate" is not what has riled up the feisty Ron, but the man who "independently filled the seat"--Gov. Ventura. "Jesse owes me $50," said Ron during a phone interview on...
Posted by Webmaster at November 5, 2002

Midterm Elections, 2002

Neither of our candidates below won in the midterm elections. What the hell? Don't you people vote? We'll be sure to get them in next year.
Posted by Ron at November 5, 2002

Idiots

Santa Fe, New Mexico: November 4, 2002 New Mexico voters will decide on Tuesday whether they want "idiots" and "insane persons" to vote in their state. Under the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, "idiots" and "insane persons," as well as those "convicted of a felonious or infamous crime" are currently prohibited from voting. The Ronatarian Party is lobbying to change that. Proposed Amendment 2 on the November 5 ballot would strike the terms "idiots" and "insane persons" from the Constitution. The measure will better reflect current understanding of mental health, enpower more local Ronatarian Party members, and remove archaic...
Posted by Webmaster at November 4, 2002

What's Up Doc?

Portland, Oregon: October 29, 2002 A masked performance-art wrestler faces animal abuse charges after he allegedly bit the head off of a live rabbit as a promotional stunt. The masked wrestler -- later identified as international enigma N8 -- pleaded innocent to two felony counts. The trial is set for November 11. There may not be a defendant, though. Once again, the mysterious man has slipped out of police custody and into legend. "It was a horrible act," said Portland police Detective William Crockett. "The rabbit screamed and kicked. The guy had to consume a lot of alcohol before...
Posted by Webmaster at October 29, 2002