Belching Contest

London, England: August 6, 2002 America's loudest burper failed to smash his own ear-splitting North American record on Wednesday when a sore throat forced him to throw in the towel after three attempts. Notorious U.S. (New Jersey) politician Ron was hoping to better the 117.9 decibel mark -- a burp as loud as a pneumatic drill -- a sonic tour de force he set in 2000. But after chugging back a carbonated drink, "shot-gunning" a beer, and gulping mouthfuls of air to build up gas in his stomach, he could only managed 110.3 decibels on a Guinness World Record...

Packing Heat

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 26, 2002 A man who says he was pulled off an airplane and asked to take a sex toy out of his luggage after it started vibrating is suing Delta Air Lines, saying he was publicly humiliated. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad said he was "with a buddy" awaiting takeoff from Dallas in February when his name was called over the loudspeaker. "I assumed it was a security precaution or an impromptu tribute," said the noted sidekick of U.S. politico Ron. He was ultimately met by a Delta security agent who told him something...

Underwhelming Writing

San Jose, California: July 16, 2002 With a putrid passage about a hero's self-image gone bad, the vice presidential candidate from the Ronatarian Party -- who also crafts witty sayings and campaign slogans for lapel buttons -- won the 21st annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for horrible writing. Brad, originally from Massachusetts, triumphed Monday over thousands of entrants from around the world with the following sentence: "On reflection, Ron perceived that his relationship with himself had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked...

Mr. Softee

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 9, 2002 The driver of a Mister Softee truck is facing assault and breach of peace charges for allegedly attacking a frequent critic of the music coming from the truck's loudspeakers, police said. Luis Amaro, 51, is accused of charging out of his truck Saturday and swinging a bat at famous Ronatarian Ron. "Mister Softee tried to kill me!" Ron said Wednesday as he recovered from arm bruises and a graze to the head. Amaro could not be reached for comment. But Felix Rios, who owns the Mister Softee franchise in East Hartford, Connecticut...