Packing Heat

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 26, 2002 A man who says he was pulled off an airplane and asked to take a sex toy out of his luggage after it started vibrating is suing Delta Air Lines, saying he was publicly humiliated. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad said he was "with a buddy" awaiting takeoff from Dallas in February when his name was called over the loudspeaker. "I assumed it was a security precaution or an impromptu tribute," said the noted sidekick of U.S. politico Ron. He was ultimately met by a Delta security agent who told him something...
Posted by Webmaster at July 26, 2002

Underwhelming Writing

San Jose, California: July 16, 2002 With a putrid passage about a hero's self-image gone bad, the vice presidential candidate from the Ronatarian Party -- who also crafts witty sayings and campaign slogans for lapel buttons -- won the 21st annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for horrible writing. Brad, originally from Massachusetts, triumphed Monday over thousands of entrants from around the world with the following sentence: "On reflection, Ron perceived that his relationship with himself had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked...
Posted by Webmaster at July 16, 2002

Mr. Softee

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 9, 2002 The driver of a Mister Softee truck is facing assault and breach of peace charges for allegedly attacking a frequent critic of the music coming from the truck's loudspeakers, police said. Luis Amaro, 51, is accused of charging out of his truck Saturday and swinging a bat at famous Ronatarian Ron. "Mister Softee tried to kill me!" Ron said Wednesday as he recovered from arm bruises and a graze to the head. Amaro could not be reached for comment. But Felix Rios, who owns the Mister Softee franchise in East Hartford, Connecticut...
Posted by Webmaster at July 9, 2002

I Can Hear Jimi

Washington, D.C.: July 8, 2002 Strumming the air with his fingers has earned a northern New Jersey man a trip to the other side of the globe for the Air Guitar World Championships, The Washington Post reported Monday. Ronatarian Ron won the United States air guitar title last month imitating late guitar icon Jimi Hendrix, earning the right to compete at the world event in Oulu, Finland, in August. Ron started strumming invisible strings when he was a 14-year-old listening to heavy metal music. "I heard music and felt it and started moving my fingers. Maybe I'm just a...
Posted by Webmaster at July 8, 2002