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Silly Goose

Perth Amboy, New Jersey, February 20, 2018: A goose that plunged from the sky knocked a New Jersey hunter unconscious and sent him to the hospital. Famed political outsider Ron was flown Sunday to the Hackensack Meridian Health Raritan Bay Medical Center's Shock Trauma Center in Perth Amboy, according to New Jersey State Police. A two-man hunting party on the shores of Raritan Bay was in a blind shooting at a flock of geese. One that was shot in flight fell about 90 feet to the ground, hitting Ron directly on the head, Natural Resources spokeswoman Pamela White said....
Posted by Bittle at February 20, 2018

Last Jedi

Is Ron the last Jedi?! ...We all know he's our "only hope."...
Posted by Bittle at December 15, 2017

R.U.I.

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 29, 2017: A pair of New Jersey police officers snapped a bedroom selfie with a drunk man's phone so he wouldn't be confused about how he ended up at home. Jersey City Police responded in a Facebook post to a viral photo on Reddit showing two officers posing for a selfie in front of a bed where intoxicated politico Ron is giving a thumbs-up to the camera. "After a blackout night, my buddy woke up to a helluva selfie on his phone!" the Reddit post said. Police confirmed the post's summation of events was...
Posted by Bittle at May 29, 2017

Hindquarters

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 27, 2017: Jersey City Police answered a strange call from Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron early Sunday morning that has them howling at the moon. According to police reports, Ron was bitten by his roommate's dog, but thought the sharp pain was something else. Apparently, Ron's #2 Brad asked the repeatedly failed presidential candidate to dogsit while Brad went to Key West over the weekend. While heavily intoxicated in his home (alone), Ron felt a sharp pain in his buttocks. Having forgotten that Snookums was in his room led to Ron thinking he...
Posted by Bittle at February 27, 2017

Inauguration Day 2017

Happy Inauguration Day 2017 from the Ronatarian Party! Remember that you "the People" didn't vote for Ron and put an non-mustachioed spray-tanned buffoon in the White House. Don't blame us!...
Posted by Bittle at January 20, 2017

Face Full of Flatulence

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 2, 2016: Farting leads to problems. Big problems. And no one knows that more than Ron. Remember that time when he forced an airplane to make an emergency landing? (See Fartinosis.) According to the New Jersey Spew, Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron recently faced four counts of child cruelty after he allegedly walked up to a kid who was lying down and busted ass in his face. The boy was apparently reclining on the grass in a park when Ron approached him and let loose. It's unclear what relationship Ron has to the...
Posted by Bittle at November 2, 2016

Halloween 2016

Happy Halloween 2016 from the Ronatarian Party! Don't forget to vote!...
Posted by Bittle at October 31, 2016

Legging It

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 26, 2016: After leaving the Royale With Sleeze strip club on East Badaboom Drive, the leader of the Ronatarian Party fell out of his car while it was moving...and it ran over his leg, the New Jersey State Police said. The incident was reported to NJSP at about 2:41 a.m. Tuesday. NJSP said witnesses told them Ron did not appear to be intoxicated as he was leaving the club. Witnesses said Ron and his cohorts were discussing fiscal policy late into the night while flicking wadded-up dollar bills at the dancers. Early in the...
Posted by Bittle at October 26, 2016

Snake Bite

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 29, 2016: A New Jersey wanna-be politician is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 10-foot python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using the toilet. Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was smiling as television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Jersey City were testimony to his ordeal. The 40-something politico told The New Jersey Spew that he struggled to remove the snake for 30...
Posted by Bittle at September 29, 2016

Male Doctors With Mustaches Lead Best

Women still outnumbered in medical leadership by men with mustaches, study finds If our headline made you think this study must be kind of a joke, you're right! But it's the kind of joke you have to laugh at to keep from crying. And it's actually a real study. Confused? Every year, the British Medical Journal puts out a special Christmas issue full of quirky (but still peer-reviewed) studies. They're always offbeat and often quite small, but they're all studies designed to make you chuckle. This year, one of the humorous studies brings up a serious topic: Sexism in...
Posted by Bittle at January 4, 2016

Mustache Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas from Ron and his imitators! The Ronatarian movement is like an unstoppable force sweeping the nation...catch it! - Bittle...
Posted by Bittle at December 25, 2014

Major League Mustache

Cincinnati, Ohio, August 7, 2014: It's obvious Major League Baseball is obsessed with Ron. I mean, look at the 2015 All-Star Game logo MLB is promoting via its Facebook page! It's sickening to think MLB can use Ron's mustache's likeness without paying royalties...disgusting! - Bittle...
Posted by Bittle at August 7, 2014

wRONg Way

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 14, 2013: Police in New Jersey are investigating an accident in which the driver claimed his GPS told him to ignore the end of a road and to drive straight into a house, seriously injuring two people in the car. It happened early Saturday morning where [redacted] meets [redacted] in Jersey City. The exact location has been withheld to protect the owner of the home -- politico Ron. Ron insisted to authorities not to divulge his address to "keep away the loonies who pester me night and day to run for President in 2016."...
Posted by Bittle at October 14, 2013

Ronnie Chapstick

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 31, 2013: It was an unusually tight-lipped call for help. The frightened man on the phone could only grunt as he pleaded for an ambulance to be sent to his home. The 911 call, received around midnight yesterday, sparked fears that local politico Ron was being held captive. But it turned out he had accidentally super-glued his lips together. "Our ambulance received a call, but due to the muffled speech...they were unsure whether it was a medical event or whether someone had been gagged," Sgt. Marc Aitken said. "Basically, he could only grunt." Ambulance...
Posted by Bittle at July 31, 2013

I See Ron's Face Everywhere I Look

June 14, 2014: We at Ron Headquarters receive many letters from adoring fans, lunatics, Republicans, billiard aficionados, and haters. While our communications team typically just uses a circular filing system to process unsolicited correspondence sent to Ron, once in a while a letter or picture strikes a chord. Ron's handlers and volunteer supporters found this note and attached picture to be particularly heartwarming. I'll let the admirer's words speak for themselves: Dear sir/madam/other, I used to not give a flying [expletive] about politics or religion or animal rights. Then I met my boyfriend -- yes, I'm a homo. He...
Posted by Bittle at June 14, 2013

Emergencheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 27, 2013: A New Jersey man got the attention of local police after he tried to order a cheeseburger by calling 911 nine times. According to The New Jersey Spew, aspiring local politician Ron has reportedly had past run-ins with police. However, this incident may be the most bizarre. Ron reportedly made the nine phone calls in just 90 minutes inquiring about a cheeseburger. Despite the series of strange calls, the dispatcher was reportedly concerned Ron was calling because he hadn’t eaten food in a long time. Eventually, Jersey City police showed up at...
Posted by Bittle at February 27, 2013

Crystal Clear

Merida, Mexico, December 21, 2012: The crystal skulls have spoken: The world is not going to end. American seer Star Johnsen-Moser led a whooping, dancing, drum-beating ceremony Thursday in the heart of Mayan territory to consult several of the life-sized crystal skulls, which adherents claim were passed down by the ancient Maya. The skulls weren't the only inheritances left by the ancient civilization that have been making waves this week: The supposed end of the Maya long-count calendar on Friday has prompted a wave of doomsday speculation across the globe. "This is not the end of the world, this...
Posted by Bittle at December 21, 2012

Vote Ron 2012

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 6, 2012: President Ron has a nice ring to it. Get out there and vote for Ron!...
Posted by Bittle at November 6, 2012

Beaver!

Pine Plains, New York, August 13, 2012: The founder of the Ronatarian Party -- who was attacked by a rabid beaver while swimming in the Delaware River -- is recovering. The somewhat-charismatic leader of the radical political party was on a wilderness retreat with his top advisors to discuss his current presidential candidacy when the incident took place. The New Jersey Spew reports that Ron was swimming in eastern Pennsylvania on August 10 when a beaver swam through his legs and bit him in the chest. The animal then bit him in the leg, buttocks, arm, hand, and torso...
Posted by Bittle at August 13, 2012

Swingin' Dead Cat

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 6, 2012: Radical American politician Ron has found an unusual way to pay his last respects to his pet cat Bennett, who died after being hit by a car. He turned the feline into a helicopter -- or a quadrocopter to be precise -- with four rotors, each fitted to one outstretched paw. Now the dead tabby is flying around with a startled look on his face, provoking amusement and shock in equal measure. "The Bennettcopter, half cat, half machine," Ron wrote with spraypaint on a highway overpass in northern New Jersey. "Named after...
Posted by Bittle at August 6, 2012

Goat Man

Salt Lake City, Utah, July 20, 2012: A man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah has wildlife officials worried he could be in danger as hunting season approaches. A.J. Douglass of the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources said Friday the person is doing nothing illegal, but he worries the so-called "goat man" is unaware of the dangers. "My very first concern is the person doesn't understand the risks," Douglass said. "Who's to say what could happen." Douglass said a man hiking Sunday along Ben Lomond peak in...
Posted by Bittle at July 21, 2012

Digitized

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 31, 2012: A New Jersey politico finishing off an Arby's roast beef sandwich chomped down on something tough that tasted like rubber, so he spit it out. Turns out it tasted like finger -- the fleshy, severed pad of an unfortunate employee's finger, apparently. Ronatarian Party leader and founder Ron told The New Jersey Spew on Wednesday that once he got a good look at it, he knew right away what had been in the junior roast beef sandwich he was eating last Friday. "I was like, 'That (has) to be a [expletive] finger,'"...
Posted by Bittle at May 31, 2012

Ron's Grandfather 4 President

Apparently Ron's grandfather has been ripping off Ron's esteemed spinning campaign logo, as evidenced above. Upon hearing this news, Ron was outraged. Experts expect a resurgence of the "Ron Apple Experiments" to boost his lackluster 2012 campaign so far this year. Ron is currently drunk and plans to deal with retaliation later after he recovers from his hangover and starts his next binge....
Posted by Ron at April 5, 2012

Duffer Dog

San Martin, California, October 10, 2011: A male spectator ran onto a green shouting Tiger Woods' name and then threw a hot dog at him Sunday during the final round of the Frys.com Open in Northern California. The man was quickly subdued and Woods was not in any danger. In fact, within a minute, he had settled back over the putt he was attempting. "I looked up and the hot dog was in the air," Woods said of the incident that occurred on the seventh hole, his 16th of the day. "(The fan) wanted to be in the news....
Posted by Bittle at October 10, 2011

Inflatable Ego

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 26, 2011: A man who has been repeatedly arrested for public indecency faces a new charge after an incident during the weekend. New Jersey-based politico Brad was arrested on public indecency charges after cops caught him having sex with an inflatable raft, police said. The Ronatarian Party number two man was arrested at his home in Jersey City early Sunday after he was spotted in the bizarre act in a nearby alley, the New Jersey Spew reported. The owner of the raft told Jersey City Police Officer Matt White he shouted at the suspect...
Posted by Bittle at September 26, 2011

Mapped Out

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 22, 2011: Ron took a very unscientific poll of the nations and peoples of the world over the past year. He reduced the data and arrived at the conclusions shown in the map (above)....
Posted by Bittle at August 22, 2011

Peeping Ron

Buffalo, New York, April 18, 2011: Buffalo, N.Y.'s storied Broadway Market saw a crowd for its third-annual Peep-eating contest, held in honor of Easter. The east side market was bustling Saturday as contestants in four age groups ate as many marshmallow chicks as they could in one minute, The Buffalo News said Saturday. The cult-classic candy is a marshmallow formed to look like a baby chicken, and covered in granulated sugar. In the adult event, 12 contestants were reduced to a three-way tie breaker. In the end, perpetual failed New Jersey-based politician Ron clinched victory. He refused to comment...
Posted by Bittle at April 18, 2011

...Damn Near Killed 'im!

New York, New York, May 18, 2010: A pedestrian claimed in a lawsuit that when he went to a hospital after being hit on the forehead by a falling wooden beam, emergency room staffers forcibly gave him a rectal examination. New Jersey-based politico Ron says in court papers that after he denied a request by NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital emergency room employees to examine his rectum, he was "assaulted, battered, and falsely imprisoned." His lawyer, Andrew Sepe, said he and Ron later learned the exam was one way of determining whether he had suffered spinal damage in the accident. Sepe said...
Posted by Bittle at May 18, 2010

Feeling the Fire Down Below

Asbury Park, New Jersey, May 4, 2010: Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Asbury Park. "Evil" Steve Bonadio and a man known only at "Step" pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge. Prosecutors say Step was sentenced to one year in prison and Bonadio got 45 days in Monmouth County jail. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was passed out when the men poured cologne on his groin and set him on fire May 1. Ron had second-degree burns on his testicles. Political sidekick Brad...
Posted by Bittle at May 4, 2010

Playing (with) Possum

Short Hills, New Jersey, April 27, 2010: Police say they initially charged a New Jersey man with public drunkenness after he was seen trying to resuscitate a long-dead opossum along a highway. State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw local politico Ron, of Jersey City, near the animal Monday along John F. Kennedy Parkway in Short Hills. The trooper says one person saw Ron kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance. He says another saw Ron attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Levier says the animal already had been dead a while....
Posted by Bittle at April 27, 2010

Tax Day Deductions

St. Louis, Missouri, April 15, 2010: It's time that mustached Americans got in on the stimulus money. At least that's the proposal being pushed by tax policy professor John Yeutter and the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute. The group dubs itself "the world's only facial hair advocacy and research organization." On the eve of the deadline to file income tax returns, the professor and the AMI are pushing for a $250 annual tax incentive for people with mustaches. The funds would be used for mustache grooming supplies. The AMI said the current system "provides a disincentive for the clean-shaven...
Posted by Bittle at April 15, 2010

Locked In

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 9, 2010: Drunk in a bar and can't get out...who you gonna call? Police. That's what Ron did in Jersey City. The New Jersey Spew reported Ron called 911 Thursday and said he'd gotten drunk and passed out at Bennett's Karaoke Bar the night before, awakened, and had "a few more" -- then couldn't get out of the bar, which was closed. Officers tapped on the door Thursday afternoon to guide the Ronatarian Party founder and leader to it so he could let them in to help him. The bar owner said Ron is...
Posted by Bittle at April 9, 2010

Locked In

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 9, 2010: Drunk in a bar and can't get out...who you gonna call? Police. That's what Ron did in Jersey City. The New Jersey Spew reported Ron called 911 Thursday and said he'd gotten drunk and passed out at Bennett's Karaoke Bar the night before, awakened, and had "a few more" -- then couldn't get out of the bar, which was closed. Officers tapped on the door Thursday afternoon to guide the Ronatarian Party founder and leader to it so he could let them in to help him. The bar owner said Ron is...
Posted by Bittle at April 9, 2010

Green Pee

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 17, 2010: Police said two men suffered injuries after they were beaten after urinating on what they thought was an unoccupied vehicle on Wednesday morning around 11 o'clock. Police said the owner got out of the car and assaulted Ron and Brad with a golf club. Brad suffered a possible arm fracture and was transported to Our Lady of Mustached Mercy Hospital. The two Ronatarians were apparently up early with fellow St. Patrick's Day revelers. Police Sergeant Dan Dornes said urinating in public is a crime, but the two men will probably not be...
Posted by Bittle at March 17, 2010

Car Bar

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 4, 2010: Hudson County deputies say two bar patrons were almost hit by their own car this week when an alleged drunk driver slammed into it and knocked it through the wall into the saloon. Neither the patrons nor the driver was hurt. Authorities said the two men -- identified as local politicians Ron and Brad -- were playing pool at the Jailhouse Saloon a little before closing time Wednesday morning when Brad's Dodge Neon flew through the wall. Authorities arrested a 35-year-old man who allegedly caused the crash. Bar manager Diane Schwartz said...
Posted by Bittle at March 4, 2010

Ron Denver

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 23, 2010: Police responding to a complaint of loud noise have cited a Jersey City man for "rocking out" to the music of John Denver. A policeman who responded to Ron's house last week could hear Denver's music through the door. The officer pounded on the door but Ron didn't answer. Finally the officer found out Ron's name from a neighbor and called to him, bringing the Ron to the door. When asked why he had the music so loud, Ron said he was "rocking out." The New Jersey Spew reported that the Ronatarian...
Posted by Bittle at February 23, 2010

Dick Pipe

Newark, New Jersey, January 28, 2010: Doctors and nurses at Newark Beth Israel Medical Center struggled to get a man's penis out of a stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect. Instead, they resorted to calling in the Newark Fire Department. The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from the Mulberry Street station and seven firefighters to help. One fireman understatedly described the situation a "delicate operation." The firefighters used a four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis. The penis was left...
Posted by Bittle at January 28, 2010

Stomp The Yard

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 13, 2010: A man was released from jail on charges he threatened a neighbor who had disturbed him by stomping snow from his feet outside his own house. Police said 46-year-old John Cocktosten was released on bond Tuesday following his arrest Saturday. Officers said Cocktosten brandished a shotgun and threatened Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron who had been stomping snow from his feet around 7 a.m. Saturday. According to The New Jersey Spew, Cocktosten told police the stomping awakened someone else who was sleeping at his place. Cocktosten was charged with aggravated assault....
Posted by Bittle at January 13, 2010

The Daily Show with Ron Stewart

"Ron" Stewart and "Ron" Hodgeman discuss America faking its own death during the December 15, 2009 broadcast of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central). Notice how they both sport mustaches while calling themselves "Ron" -- an obvious homage to Ron's fervent political movement. Ronatarianism has clawed its way into the forefront American society. Ron is here to stay. Deal with it, bitches!...
Posted by Bittle at December 16, 2009

Tipsy Turkey

New York, New York, November 24, 2009: You'll need to be 21 to take a bite out of this Thanksgiving turkey. The owner of a Midtown pub is serving Wild Turkey with a twist -- for Thanksgiving, he's soaking his holiday birds with booze. "It's a turkey you can eat and drink at the same time, but you'll need a cab home," said pub owner Paul Hurley, who will serve up birds injected with 100-proof Georgi vodka. "There's an ounce of vodka in every bite." Hurley, the owner of O'Casey's Tavern on East 41st Street, said a former patron...
Posted by Bittle at November 24, 2009

Corkscrewed

New York, New York, November 9, 2009: Police arrested a 56-year-old man accused of threatening Ron with a corkscrew at a public restroom in Central Park. A witness told police he saw a man holding a corkscrew in his hand while kicking the bathroom door and threatening to kill Ron, who was inside. No one was injured. Officers arrested the man on charges of menacing, unlawful use of a weapon, and disorderly conduct. They confiscated the corkscrew. The man, who has no permanent address, was taken to a local police holding cell. Bail was set at $62,500 after his...
Posted by Bittle at November 9, 2009

That's No Bull

Paterson, New Jersey, October 23, 2009: Police say a 1,400-pound bull that escaped from a northern New Jersey slaughterhouse dragged a man with a lasso down a street and ran 10 blocks before being captured and sedated. Chief John DeCando, spokesman for Paterson Police's animal control division, says the bull was being unloaded at ENA Meat Packing Inc. when it broke loose just before 11:00 a.m. Thursday. Police tried to corral the bull and direct it back towards the slaughterhouse, but Ronatarian Party leader Ron decided to take matters into his own hands. Ron was in Paterson buying beer...
Posted by Bittle at October 23, 2009

Fish Fry

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 1, 2009: Authorities say local politician Ron -- who was burned up at his roommate Brad -- fried their pet goldfish and ate some of them. Jersey City police say it's a civil matter and no charges will be filed. The seven goldfish were purchased together by the duo during happier times. Police spokesman Vance Mitchell says Brad reported on Wednesday that Ron took the goldfish from his room. Mitchell says the two argued earlier about some wine coolers Ron had bought but Brad had drunk. Officers who were dispatched to the shared home...
Posted by Bittle at October 1, 2009

Cannonball!

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 15, 2009: A New Jersey history buff who recreates firearms from old wars accidentally fired a 2-pound cannonball through the wall of his neighbor's home. William Maser, 54, fired a cannonball Tuesday evening outside his home in Jersey City that ricocheted and hit a house 400 yards away. The cannonball, about two inches in diameter, smashed through a window and a wall before landing in a closet. Authorities said nobody was hurt. The cannonball awoke the fired-upon neighbor from his post-happy hour nap. The neighbor, identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, said he was...
Posted by Bittle at September 15, 2009

Lose Change

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 12, 2009: Police say three armed thieves stormed into a Jersey City home to steal a water jug full of loose change. Hudson County police said the masked suspects descended on the somewhat ramshackle home around 2 a.m. Friday. Outside they came across the enraged owner, Ron, who was returning from a night out on the town drinking. Police said the burglars roughed Ron up and berated his political positions before breaking in. Detective Sgt. Peter Paul Molloy said the bandits then went straight for an upstairs bedroom where the coins were kept in...
Posted by Bittle at September 12, 2009

In a Pickle

Boston, Massachusetts, September 2, 2009: Talk about being in a pickle: A Massachusetts judge gave a New Jersey politician probation in a case that police said involved an assault with pickles. According to police reports, the pickle problems began when Ronatarian Party leader Ron was hanging out at his then-friend "Evil" Steve Bonadio's home in Stow on August 29. Ron went to the refrigerator and helped himself to some pickles. According to the report, Bonadio told Ron he couldn't afford to feed everyone and not to eat his pickles. Ron then began yelling and swearing and stormed out, according...
Posted by Bittle at September 2, 2009

Otterly Ridiculous

West Orange, New Jersey, August 14, 2009: A New Jersey politico is getting rabies shots after he said he was bitten by otters while swimming in a lake. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron told The New Jersey Spew that he was swimming in Crystal Lake near the Eagle Rock Reservation yesterday when three otters suddenly appeared. Feeling concerned, he swam to shore. Just as he got there, he said, "there they were -- one f*cker on my right leg and one on my mustache." He said they swam off when he shook his legs and "blew a snot...
Posted by Bittle at August 14, 2009

Groan & Blare It

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 29, 2009: Jersey City Police say a man fed up of children playing in front of his house blared a pornographic soundtrack to chase them off. Irate neighbors told police they could hear the sexually explicit audio a block and a half away. Police say Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron faces a possible felony obscenity charge and two misdemeanors for the July 28 stunt at his ramshackle home. The 30-something mustachioed Ron has a preliminary hearing scheduled for next month. He doesn't have a listed telephone number, and his lawyer declined to comment...
Posted by Bittle at July 29, 2009

Somebody's Knockin'

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 20, 2009: Police said a Jersey City man threatened to slit his neighbors' throats after they reported him for playing loud music. A 32-year-old man was charged with three counts of criminal threatening and two of criminal mischief after he admitted punching a hole in the neighbors' front door. Police said they gave the unidentified man a noise ticket early Friday, but the neighbors -- identified as Ronatarians Ron and Brad -- called officers back about a half hour later. Investigators said the man went to Ron and Brad's house to apologize, but things...
Posted by Bittle at July 20, 2009

Overcharge

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 17, 2009: A New Jersey man says he swiped his debit card at a liquor store to buy a six-pack of beer and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars. Ronatarian Party leader Ron checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number -- a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars). "I almost crapped my pants," said Ron. "Well...OK...I did crap my pants. After I cleaned up, I called the bank and gave them...
Posted by Bittle at July 17, 2009

Garbage Pail Politician

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 22, 2009: A New Jersey politician who was found asleep headfirst in a neighbor's trash can after a night of drinking has apologized and says he's embarrassed. No charges have been filed against Ron, who is the upstart Ronatarian Party's founder and leader. Ron said he had dinner and drinks with friends in nearby Newark on Saturday night. He said he was driven home in roommate Brad's Dodge Neon, but remembers little that happened after that. A neighbor found Ron in the trash can early Sunday and called police, who helped Ron home. Jersey...
Posted by Bittle at June 22, 2009

Snarr-stache

Murray, Utah, May 8, 2009: The mayor of the Salt Lake City suburb of Murray says he has little choice but to shave his nearly foot-long handlebar mustache for charity. Dan Snarr is putting the decision to a vote of residents and says his fashion statement is "getting creamed." "People are voting 'shave.' It's a way to get back at an elected official," said Snarr, who has sported the waxed mustache for three years but now is resigned to shaving. Besides, his wife hates it. She's sick of puckering up for a kiss and getting poked in the eye....
Posted by Bittle at May 8, 2009

Sing It Loud

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, April 23, 2009: A man was acquitted Wednesday after being arrested for refusing to heed a police officer's command he stop singing in a public park. A judge found Ron not guilty of disorderly conduct, saying "This is America, not Afghanistan." Ron, an aspiring politician from New Jersey, had faced a three month sentence after loudly singing "A Change is Gonna Come" in Rittenhouse Square in downtown Philadelphia in October (2008). Greg Wilkinson, the arresting officer, testified Ron was singing so loud his voice drowned out his police radio. "All he had to do was lower his...
Posted by Bittle at April 23, 2009

Crime of the Century Club

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 14, 2009: Ron was supposed to report for jury duty in a drunk driving case. Instead, according to authorities, the New Jersey man skipped the jury duty so he could drink himself. Ron received a summons to appear as a prospective juror in the case. When he didn't show up on Monday, a bailiff called his house. Ron told the bailiff he was too busy to come to court. Associate Circuit Judge Samuel Thompson instructed officers to bring Ron to the courthouse. Deputies say they detected a strong odor of alcohol on him. Ron...
Posted by Bittle at April 14, 2009

American Idolatry

Los Angeles, California, April 6, 2009: Is Adam Lambert gay? According to pictures that emerged on the web, he may well be. Big news on Sunday as pictures emerged of American Idol contestant Adam Lambert kissing another guy. The pictures surfaced on VotefortheWorst.com and show the 26-year old kissing a man identified by message boards as "Brad." The pictures are said to have originated from Lambert's personal Tribe.net page, as part of a Burning Man community. While Adam Lambert has yet to reveal his orientation, a lot of message boards have been running overtime on this topic. Before the...
Posted by Bittle at April 6, 2009

Pistol Whipped

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 31, 2009: Hudson County authorities said a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect. The owner of Goomba's Pizzeria was charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail. The customer, identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, says he doesn't know what hit him. "Motherf*cker f*cked me up!" Ron said. "What the f*ck?!?" According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that the owner struck Ron with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to...
Posted by Bittle at March 31, 2009

Brazil Nuts

Trenton, New Jersey, March 19, 2009: New Jersey is drawing the line when it comes to bikini waxing. The state Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board is moving toward a ban on genital waxing altogether after two women and a man reported being injured. Both unnamed women were hospitalized for infections following so-called "Brazilian" waxes. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- was also treated for injuries following a similar procedure. Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs, and arms are permitted. But because the bare-it-all "Brazilian" version wasn't specifically banned,...
Posted by Bittle at March 19, 2009

Tanning Dread

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 16, 2008: Authorities say a man escaped from a burning tanning bed just before it burst into flames, igniting a fire that damaged several stores and forced people to leave a shopping center. The New Jersey Spew reported Monday that no one was injured in the fire, including the man who jumped from the bed. The man was identified as mustachioed local politician Ron. The fire occurred Sunday at a tanning salon in Jersey City. Ron said he heard a popping noise while working on his tan, then saw a flame at the corner...
Posted by Bittle at March 16, 2009

Car Wash Hero

Hoboken, New Jersey, February 26, 2009: A car wash employee says she owes her life to a Jersey City politician who rushed to help her when her scarf became caught in a spinning scrubber brush and starting choking her. Stephanie Carpluk says she was terrified as she desperately tried to free herself from the rotating brush while Ronatarian Party leader Ron's famed Camaro started moving through the Golden Nozzle car wash in Hoboken Thursday morning. "The spinner spun my scarf around so it pulled me closer," Carpluk explained. "I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to...
Posted by Bittle at February 26, 2009

Ski-Don't

Northfield, Vermont, February 10, 2009: A vacationing man said he's feeling stiff and still a bit in shock, but was otherwise OK after his snowmobile collided with an Amtrak train. The man was identified as New Jersey-based politician Ron, who is in Vermont "for some [expletive] R&R and a decent wheel of cheddar [cheese]." Authorities said the accident occurred early Tuesday morning, as Ron tried to cross railroad tracks in Northfield. Ron said he heard a whistle but didn't see the train in time. Pieces of the snow machine ended up more than 100 feet down the tracks, but...
Posted by Bittle at February 10, 2009

Roquefort Files

Roquefort-sur-Soulzon, France, January 31, 2009: This seems an unlikely spot to fight a trade war. A village of 600 souls in a remote part of southern France, Roquefort clings precariously to the side of Combalou Rock, a promontory overlooking a deep valley where sheep graze in the shadow of limestone cliffs that were sheared off by a seismic jolt in prehistoric times. But the primal shake also carved out aerated underground crevasses that give a unique economic value to this jagged landscape about 65 miles northwest of Montpellier. They make possible a gastronomical wonder that has delighted gourmets for...
Posted by Bittle at January 31, 2009

Snow Drifting

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 28, 2009: Police say a woman taking a driving test ended up pinning a bystander after losing control of the car on a snowy Jersey City road. Hudson County police said the 23-year-old driver rounded a corner Wednesday morning, lost traction, and trapped a man cleaning snow off his car. Lt. George Marshall says the examiner tried to use the test car's secondary set of brakes, but they failed. The bystander -- identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron -- has been taken to a hospital with minor leg and shoulder pain. Luckily,...
Posted by Bittle at January 28, 2009

Moustache Wrangler

Washington, DC, January 20, 2009: It's Inauguration Day here in Washington and Ron is nowhere to be seen. His ignominious defeat in the 2008 presidential election -- as well as similar losses in 2000 and 2004 -- have left him a beaten man. Will he rally for another run at the presidency in 2012? Only time will tell. At this point, Ron is living a quiet existence in his nondescript house in northern New Jersey. He has taken some odd jobs, gone on vacation, and has tried to put the past behind him. Through it all, his signature mustache...
Posted by Bittle at January 20, 2009

Ski Bum

Vail, Colorado, January 13, 2009: A guy who dangled upside down from a ski lift with his bare bottom exposed probably doesn't want to hear any "ski bum" jokes. Officials at Vail Resorts in Colorado say the vacationing New Jersey man was trying to get on the Blue Ski basin lift on Monday. They haven't said what went wrong, but they did release the man's identity: Ronatarian Party leader Ron. It appears that the chairlift's fold-down seat was somehow not in the lowered position, which caused Ron to partially fall through the resulting gap. His right ski got jammed...
Posted by Bittle at January 13, 2009

Latke Gravitas

Lake Grove, New York, December 22, 2008: That's a lot of latkes. A failed New Jersey politician has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove. Before the contest, the erstwhile presidential candidate said: "These things smell [expletive] terrible...I just want to shove 'em down my gullet as fast as I can so I don't have to taste 'em." Association of Independent Competitive...
Posted by Bittle at December 22, 2008

Lord of the Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2008: Police are investigating after a man leaving his house on Thursday morning found a frozen pig head stuck on top of a pole next to a tree in his yard. Former presidential candidate Ron said the sight terrified his roommate Brad. "Damn thing spooked Brad...he ran back inside crying," Ron said. "Now I have to go to the bar alone." Jersey City Police Sgt. Jim Watson said evidence suggests the head had been there just a few hours. Watson said if the person who left the head is caught, he could be...
Posted by Bittle at December 19, 2008

Whack & Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 24, 2008 A recently unemployed man faced a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his roommate on Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. Investigator Dale Matuszczak said the victim called for help after locking himself in a bathroom. "He sounded awfully upset in there," said Matuszczak. "He also sounded like a little bitch...whining like a girl and crying hysterically." The two roommates in the investigation were identified as losing presidential ticket Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party). Matuszczak said Brad had apparently been hit with a wet noodle, suffering a minor bruise on...
Posted by Bittle at November 24, 2008

Concession

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 5, 2008: There is no goddamn way Ron is conceding this election to anyone...Obama, McCain, even that prick Bob Barr! The fight continues! Suck on that America! Ron 2012!...
Posted by Bittle at November 5, 2008

Shocking Revelation

Chapel Hill, North Carolina, November 3, 2008: Libby Lee of Chapel Hill was tired of someone stealing Ron-Brad campaign signs from her yard. Lee, with a degree in electrical engineering from Lafayette College (Easton, Pa.), hooked up a third sign to a power source for an electric pet fence Friday and also put up a surveillance camera. The News & Observer of Raleigh reported that a 9-year-old boy with an McCain-Palin sign grabbed the Ron-Brad sign and got a jolt on Sunday. The boy's father, Andrew Noble, upset that his son had been shocked, showed up at Lee's door....
Posted by Bittle at November 3, 2008

Kitty Caucus

Columbus, Ohio, November 2, 2008: To put it in a tasteful way, a vote in Ohio is determining which White House hopeful is the pick of the litter. The ballot boxes are cat litter boxes in the 2008 "Kitty Caucus" being conducted by the Capital Area Humane Society in Columbus and local radio station WBNS-FM, known as Mix 97.1. The presidential preferences of the animal shelter's feline residents are being determined by their "votes" dropped into a red box for Republican John McCain, a blue one for Democrat Barack Obama, and a green box for Ronatarian Ron. The radio...
Posted by Bittle at November 2, 2008

Anger Management

Newark, New Jersey, October 29, 2008: A man on his way to anger management class became angry and struck a man, authorities said. Justin John Boudin, 27, pleaded guilty Tuesday to fifth-degree assault in Essex County Court and can expect to face a sentence for time served in jail, at least 120 days, and probation when he is sentenced November 5, the county attorney's office said. According to a criminal complaint, Boudin was waiting at a bus stop on August 29 when he accosted a man and others. "Why don't you show me some respect?" he allegedly yelled at...
Posted by Bittle at October 29, 2008

Vacuum Packed

Newark, New Jersey, October 23, 2008: Police say a New Jersey man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash. The New Jersey Spew reports the Jersey City man was approached by police early Thursday in Newark. The paper identified him as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad. Police Sgt. Gary Wallace says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:15 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught Brad in the act. Brad quickly apologized and zipped up. The officer then lectured Brad on the dangers and...
Posted by Bittle at October 23, 2008

Breaking the Glass Ceiling

New York, New York, October 20, 2008: An angry wife, girlfriend, or constituent might not be the only thing to worry about when visiting a strip club. A man suing a Manhattan club claims a performer's shoe flew off during a pole dance; shattered the mirrored ceiling; and caused glass and the shoe to hit him. The lawsuit filed by presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) says the Booby Trap breached its duty when its employee failed to perform her routine in a reasonably safe manner. The suit seeks at least $15,000 in damages. Ron's attorney Andrew Sepe says his...
Posted by Bittle at October 20, 2008

A Penny Saved...

Newark, New Jersey, October 17, 2008: Talk about squeezing every penny at the gas pump. Newark police say clerks at a gas station had a run-in with a man who insisted on using $10 worth of pennies to prepay for his fuel on Thursday. The clerks said they were too busy with other customers and vendors making deliveries to accept the sackful of cents from Ron -- a local politician running for president on the Ronatarian Party ticket. They said Ron was insistent and became offensive, so they called police and referred to him as an "unwanted person." Police...
Posted by Bittle at October 17, 2008

Sign of Ron

Denver, Colorado, October 10, 2008: Picking a winner of the presidential contest is front and center at what's being billed as the largest astrologers' convention in years. More than 1,500 astrologers from 45 countries have descended on Denver for the "United Astrology Conference: Rockin' the Universe." The gathering concludes today with a panel predicting a presidential winner in November. Key to those picks: Astrological charts for John McCain (Republican), Barack Obama (Democrat), and Ron (Ronatarian). And integral to those charts: The candidates' exact birth times. A hush fell over the convention hall late Thursday when Dallas astrologer Joni Patry...
Posted by Bittle at October 10, 2008

Skipping Stones

Franklin, Pennsylvania, October 8, 2008: A New Jersey man cast a stone that skipped on water a whopping 51 times, shattering the old world record of 40. Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron's feat happened September 6, where the Allegheny River meets French Creek in Franklin, about 70 miles north of Pittsburgh. He estimated his stone traveled about 250 feet. Before declaring him a record-holder, Guinness World Records experts analyzed film of Ron's toss, checking the concentric circles in the water by each skip. "I actually threw 40 stones that day, but that was the first skip that I threw," Ron...
Posted by Bittle at October 8, 2008

Raging (Pit) Bull

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 6, 2008: A third party presidential candidate who was attacked by a vicious pit bulldog during a neighborhood walk choked the dog to death as he defended himself. Ronatarian Party founder Ron suffered bites on his arms and hands during the Sunday attack, which occurred shortly after Ron began his routine morning campaign walk to "press the flesh." Ron was treated at a local hospital, and the dog's owners could face misdemeanor charges, police said. Ron said he heard barking and readied himself when he realized the dog was coming for him. "I turned...
Posted by Bittle at October 6, 2008

Dial 'R' for Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 30, 2008: The candidate could chalk it up to tireless campaigning, but it may not win him any votes. Some 3,200 voters, including candidate Ron himself, were startled to get recorded campaign calls Monday from the presidential hopeful -- at 2 a.m. "First of all, I hate those recorded messages," said one recipient, Eileen Curinga of Hoboken. "But secondly, I didn't know whether this was sabotage or just stupidity. Either way, it's not right that somebody calls at 2 o'clock in the morning." Ron, the founder and leader of the radical Ronatarian Party, said...
Posted by Bittle at September 30, 2008

Paper Chase

Neenah, Wisconsin, September 25, 2008: If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be better. At least that's what toilet-paper researchers in northeastern Wisconsin hope. Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product. The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."...
Posted by Bittle at September 25, 2008

Train Rash

Fargo, North Dakota, September 22, 2008: Police say a man who wanted his picture taken next to a moving train suffered "train rash" but no serious injuries when he got too close to the train. Police Sgt. Jeff Skuza said the mustached man and two friends were in Fargo for a conference. He said they went around the security gates at a train crossing so he could have his picture taken. Police records indicate that the man is none other than Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron. Skuza said Ron thought the picture would be better if he got closer to...
Posted by Bittle at September 22, 2008

Mustaches for Kids

Washington, D.C., September 21, 2008: Mustaches for Kids, everybody's favorite mustache-related charity, is making it's triumphant return to the nation's capital for its second growing season. "Mustaches for Kids," you ask? Yes. Well, technically money for kids. Sick kids. Money that comes from you growing a mustache. This year, M4K DC will grow mustaches to raise money for the city's Children’s National Medical Center. The D.C. branch joins other M4K outfits across the country, which have raised over $130,000 for children with terminal illnesses since 1999. Last year, thanks to 15 brave mustacheod men and their friends' wallets, M4K...
Posted by Bittle at September 21, 2008

Wedding Belles

Los Angeles, California, September 14, 2008: George Takei and his longtime partner, Brad Altman, have agreed to live long and prosper together. Takei, 71, and Altman, 54, were married Sunday in a multicultural ceremony at the Japanese American National Museum that featured a Buddhist priest, Native American wedding bands, a Japanese Koto harp and a bagpipe procession. The couple, both clad in white dinner jackets with black pants, made a grand entrance to the tune of "One Singular Sensation" from the Broadway musical "A Chorus Line." They stepped into a circle of yellow roses and lilies, where they shared...
Posted by Bittle at September 14, 2008

Sausage Assault

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 10, 2008: Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two New Jersey politicians, stole money, rubbed one with spices, and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing. Hudson County sheriff's Lt. Randall Simon says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a nearby alley wearing only a T-shirt, boxers, and socks after the Tuesday morning attack. Simon says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. The politicians, who are affiliated with the Ronatarian Party, called police immediately following the attack. Presidential...
Posted by Bittle at September 10, 2008

Seeding Space

New York, New York, September 8, 2008: Should this world ever cease to exist, Stephen Colbert will live on. The comedian's DNA will be digitized and sent to the International Space Station, Comedy Central is to announce today. In October, video game designer Richard Garriott will travel to the station and deposit Colbert's genes for an "Immortality Drive." "I am thrilled to have my DNA shot into space, as this brings me one step closer to my lifelong dream of being the baby at the end of 2001," Colbert said in a statement, referring to the 1968 landmark science...
Posted by Bittle at September 8, 2008

Clearing House

Newark, New Jersey, September 2, 2008: A volunteer at a Newark home for the elderly called firefighters for help on Monday because the toilets were exploding with steam. The fire department said there was a boiler malfunction at the Presbyterian Reformed Urban Nursing Establishment (PRUNE) that caused a minor explosion. The blast set off the sprinkler system and flooded the floors of the three-story building. The Labor Day volunteer who called in the situation -- identified as Ronatarian higher-up Brad -- was initially shocked by the explosions, but gathered his composure and dialed for help. The Newark Fire Department...
Posted by Bittle at September 2, 2008

Raging Stoners

Denver, Colorado, August 27, 2008: A group of suspected drug users arrested in Denver this weekend with methamphetamine, guns, and bulletproof vests made anti-mustache threats against Ron, but posed no true danger to the longshot presidential candidate, federal authorities said Tuesday. That's because Ron has been in his home state of New Jersey all week. The three men -- all said to be high on methamphetamine when arrested -- are the subject of an assassination investigation, but so far, authorities say, it appears they had no capacity to carry out any attack. "The law recognizes a difference between a...
Posted by Bittle at August 27, 2008

Bad Sign

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2008: A local politician got frustrated with the theft of campaign signs from his front yard so he rigged up an alarm system with string and bells -- and solved his own crime problem. "He slept the night in his living room fully dressed so he could be ready," police Detective Tony Augurt said Monday. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was jarred awake early Saturday when bells rang from a string anchored to a sign in his yard. He recorded the license plate of a man he says took a campaign sign supporting his...
Posted by Bittle at August 25, 2008

Circular Logic

Trenton, New Jersey, August 19, 2008: You've heard of e-mail spam -- now a New Jersey politician wants to do something about menu spam, the unwanted menus and circulars that have a way of appearing on city doorsteps and under doors. Despite not holding an elected office, Ronatarian Party leader Ron is pushing legislation that would make it illegal to distribute menus, circulars, and fliers to homes and apartment buildings that display a sign indicating promotional materials are unwanted. As yet, no sitting state legislator has offered to champion the proposal. Ron's bill calls for a fine of at...
Posted by Bittle at August 19, 2008

Stiff as Cardboard

Newark, New Jersey, August 15, 2008: Secret Service agents have questioned a Jersey City man about a display in his front yard featuring a cardboard cutout of President Bush with a knife through his head. Ronatarian Party leader Ron said he was grilled for about 90 minutes by two agents who asked about his personal history and his political views. They also asked him to allow access to his barber and medical records, he said. The cutout also shows painted blood running over the president's eyes and down the bridge of his nose. Ron said the federal agents asked...
Posted by Bittle at August 15, 2008

Cleveland Rocks

Cleveland, Ohio, August 13, 2008: A Cleveland clothing store wants to make sure its customers are comfortable, so it has opened a bar in the middle of its sales floor. M. Lang Executive Attire owner Mike Lang said he hopes the cash bar will not only help put shoppers in a relaxed mood to buy clothing but also will encourage people to hang out at the shop with their friends. The unique idea resonated with New Jersey politician Ron, who is a 2008 presidential candidate. "This is what I'm talkin' about," said a visibly joyous Ron. "These are the...
Posted by Bittle at August 13, 2008

Cliff-ball

Big Sur, California, August 7, 2008: A politician is nursing only cuts and bruises after sliding 250 feet down a cliff on California's coast. Presidential candidate Ron of Jersey City, New Jersey, had been tossing a football with friends Wednesday at a traffic pullout perched 400 feet above the Pacific. After a stray toss, he climbed over the edge to retrieve the football. Monterey County Sheriff's Sgt. Garrett Sanders says Ron "just started sliding." A sheriff's team rappelled down, strapped Ron to a harness and helped him scale the cliff. Ben was treated for a gash to his face...
Posted by Bittle at August 7, 2008

Bottle & Cork and Mustaches for Ron

Dewey Beach, Delaware, August 3, 2008: Sometimes, we here at Ron4President.com wonder how our efforts to elect Ron president of the United States of America are connecting with the voting populace in this country. Is Ron's message getting through? Are people embracing Ron's campaign? I took a weekend off from my Ron4President.com duties and traveled to the beach for some R&R. What I found rekindled my spirit and gave me new energy to put into Ron's campaign. I discovered people from all walks of life and all points on the map supporting Ron. "How?" you may ask. By boozing...
Posted by Bittle at August 3, 2008

More Mustache in the Media

Is there any doubt the media wants the next president to have a mustache? Look at this shameless plug from The Colbert Report (Comedy Central) aired Tuesday July 29. Host Stephen Colbert's urging for Sen. John McCain to grow a mustache begins about two minutes into the clip. Of course, we here at Ron4President.com have supported a candidate with hair on his upper lip since 2000. We're obviously ahead of the curve on this issue. Ron is the candidate who will, as president, lead this country to bigger and better things. He will restore dignity to the White House....
Posted by Bittle at July 30, 2008

Third Party Peacock

Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania, July 29, 2008: Picking up hitchhikers can be risky, but this one in northeast Pennsylvania was a bird of a different feather. Ronatarian Party higher-ups Ron and Brad were driving along Route 307 near Clarks Summit on Monday when they spotted a peacock standing by the edge of the road. Ron said he stopped and "went 'smooch, smooch, smooch' and 'spruill, spruill, spruill'...and the bird came over," so he "reached out and grabbed him." With no room in the back of his Camaro, Ron put the peacock in the front seat. He said, "The bird was...
Posted by Bittle at July 29, 2008

Fire! Fire!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2008: Firefighters called to a blaze at an apartment building in a northern New Jersey town were astonished to discover a fully equipped extremely drunk imposter in their ranks, police said on Monday. On hearing the alarm, Ronatarian Party leader Ron had rushed to the fire station, was helped into protective clothing and helmet by unsuspecting firefighters and boarded the fire engine, a spokesman for the Jersey City Police Department said. After arriving at the apartments, firefighters quickly realized the man was an imposter and called the police, he added. A big tip-off...
Posted by Bittle at July 22, 2008

It's Raining Men

Fort Riley, Kansas, July 18, 2008: A parachutist went off course Thursday at the start of a military review and dropped feet-first into the 1st Infantry Division's band, injuring three players. Several thousand people watched as the man under the red, white, and blue parachute landed on the 30-member band, about 50 yards off target. A gasp went up from the crowd, followed by silence as at least a dozen people rushed over to help. "I hear, 'Oh, expletive,' and immediately, I hear a crash,'" said the band's commander, Chief Warrant Officer Scott MacDonald. The three injured band members...
Posted by Bittle at July 18, 2008

Loose Slots

Atlantic City, New Jersey, July 9, 2008: A Jersey City man who was playing slot machines at the Trump Taj Mahal casino claims he sat in a chair soaked with urine left by a gambler who had just exited the seat. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron recently filed a complaint with the New Jersey Casino Control Commission, saying the person who had been playing the slot machine moments earlier had urinated in the chair at the seaside casino. "My whole concern is that they fix this," he told The New Jersey Spew. "It's not apparent that they have anything...
Posted by Bittle at July 9, 2008

Crosstown Traffic

Elizabeth, New Jersey, July 2, 2008: An Awosting man whose SUV was cut off in traffic was arrested after he allegedly shot at a motorist with a crossbow following a brief chase. "It was a drive-by crossbow shooting," stated Ron, a presidential candidate for the Ronatarian Party who said he was the man's intended target. "I wish I could say I've never been shot at by a crossbow before..." (See Crossing Ron) Warren Alan Dierks Jr., 26, posted bail after his arrest Tuesday on charges of committing a terroristic act, possession of an instrument of crime, driving while intoxicated,...
Posted by Bittle at July 2, 2008

Up Against The Glass

New York, New York, June 30, 2008: New York City police say a New Jersey man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong. A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Manhattan with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke." It says that at one point the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere." The statement released this morning says police detained the three men after...
Posted by Bittle at June 30, 2008

Crossing Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 27, 2008: Jersey City police arrested a 59-year-old man accused of firing a crossbow at his neighbor. Officer Kate Flood said the man got into an argument with his politician neighbor Ron about the sexual orientation of Ron's running mate Brad Thursday evening. Ron said Brad is straight, but armed neighbor said he is "a faggot if I ever seen one." After the argument, police say the angered man went into his apartment and returned with a black crossbow. Officiers said the man shot the crossbow when Ron tried to extend his hand to...
Posted by Bittle at June 27, 2008

Unsound Sleep

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 25, 2008: A Jersey City man says he feels violated after two police officers woke him up at 3 a.m. to tell him his door was unlocked. Their surprise visit was part of a public service campaign to remind residents to secure their homes to prevent thefts. Usually, officers just leave notices on doors. But they went further in Ron's case on Tuesday. Police entered the house where several campaign staffers were having a sleepover, and then went upstairs to Ron's bedroom. The officers told Ron his garage door was open, the TV was...
Posted by Bittle at June 25, 2008

McCain Smear Tactics

Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, has decided to use smear tactics to discredit and undermine Ron's presidential campaign. This is after McCain called for "a respectful campaign focused on the issues and values that are important to the American people" back in March. The first (internet) ad of the presidential season is shown above. It is truly shameful. The Guardian reports: "Despite promises to stay on the higher ground, Mr. McCain's commercial uses imagery to suggest that Ron is a friend of America's enemies. It shows a mustached Ron looking across at the bearded face of...
Posted by Bittle at June 18, 2008

Better Left Unsaid

Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, June 16, 2008: Rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party vice-presidential candidate Brad -- used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet. Police say Brad had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank. Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WDEL radio, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first...
Posted by Bittle at June 16, 2008

The Colbert Report: Mustache Rides

During the June 9 episode of The Colbert Report (Comedy Central), host Stephen Colbert listed t-shirts as being the #3 threat during his "Threat Down" segment. In particular, Colbert showed the above graphic of detained alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed saying: "Novelty t-shirts are in league with terrorists." We here at Ron4President.com do not feel that a t-shirt endorsing, selling, or promoting mustache rides can and should be linked with terrorism. Mustache rides are Ron's God-given right. He loves to donate them to unwed mothers, troubled girls, college co-eds, starlets, and domesticated pets. Colbert's accusation is an affront...
Posted by Bittle at June 9, 2008

Hand-Jive

Trenton, New Jersey, June 6, 2008: Ronatarian Party presidential ticket Ron and Brad deserved congratulations after attempting to set a new world record, but they probably didn't want any handshakes. That's because the pair shook hands with one another Thursday for 9 1/2 hours, trying to beat a handshaking record of about nine hours set by two Germans. The Guinness Book of World Records still must confirm the feat, one that Ron and Brad felt pretty confident they had achieved. "I looked up what some of the weakest records were," Brad said. "I'm not going to break the 100-meter...
Posted by Bittle at June 6, 2008

Mustached President

Dover, Delaware, May 30, 2008: In a nod to Ron's love of reenacting Civil War events, W. Reily Brown Elementary pupil Zack Windsor, 10, dressed up as Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant on Thursday. The costume was for the school's outdoor history lesson and political awareness rally. Students dressed up as current and historical political figures and then gave talks about themselves in a historic context. Grant was elected the 18th president of the United States, and served two terms -- from March 4, 1869 to March 4, 1877. Ron is hoping to be elected president this November. When...
Posted by Bittle at May 30, 2008

Hit and Ron II

Newark, New Jersey, May 19, 2008: A driver has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident with injuries after her car hit a bicyclist who was in the road waiting on an ambulance to treat him for injuries after being hit by another car. Shannon Harris of Patterson (N.J.) turned herself in to investigators Sunday night after initially leaving the scene of the accident, said Lance Cpl. Jessica Hires, a spokeswoman for the New Jersey State Police. The bike rider, who was identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron, was in stable condition at Garden State Medical Center,...
Posted by Bittle at May 19, 2008

Riding Bitch

New York, New York, May 14, 2008: A New Jersey man is suing JetBlue Airways Corporation for more than $2 million because he says a pilot made him give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet for more than three hours on a flight from California. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron of Jersey City, says in court papers the pilot told him to "go 'hang out' in the bathroom" about 90 minutes into the San Diego to New York flight because the flight attendant complained that the "jump seat" she was assigned was uncomfortable,...
Posted by Bittle at May 14, 2008

Staredown

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 10, 2008: A prosecutor has dropped charges against Ron, who was arrested for staring at and making faces at a police dog. "Prosecuting a man for 'staring' at a police dog is absurd," said Ron's lawyer. "People are allowed to make faces at police dogs and officers to express their disapproval. It's constitutional expression," said attorney Andrew Sepe, who represented the Ronatarian Party founder and leader. Ron was charged with cruelty to a police animal and resisting arrest after a March 31 incident in Jersey City in which police were called to a market...
Posted by Bittle at May 10, 2008

Black and White and Read All Over

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 30, 2008: Balloons apparently were boring. A man returning home from a campaign whistle stop tour in the Midwest found his home completely wrapped in newspaper. "As soon as the headlights hit the house it was like, 'What the [heck] happened?'" said Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. "I've never seen anything like this before. I can't say I'm too happy about it either. [Expletive]" Ron and his running mate Brad returned from the Omaha airport about 9:30 p.m. Tuesday to find the unusual welcome home decorations. The pranksters were Ronatarian Party volunteers, left behind...
Posted by Bittle at April 30, 2008

Eric Byrnes

From the articles below, it is obvious that 32-year-old Arizona Diamondbacks left fielder Eric James Byrnes supports Ron's 2008 presidential bid. Phoenix, Arizona, April 20, 2008: Eric Byrnes has a simple explanation for his 14-game hitting streak. "My mustache," Byrnes said. The idea came from a mustache party Byrnes attended in the offseason, when he had 10 days to grow one from the time of a dinner at the White House to the party. Rumor has it that the party was hosted by Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron in his New Jersey home. Byrnes figured since he could grow a...
Posted by Bittle at April 22, 2008

Tankin' It

Paramus, New Jersey, April 21, 2008: A man felt the pain of the gas tank, and he wasn't even at a pump. Politician Ron's dilemma occurred Sunday afternoon in the parking lot of a pharmacy when he apparently tried to clear some gunk from around the opening of the gas tank. His finger got stuck in his gas tank's opening. "His finger went in past the knuckle and was stuck," Paramus Fire Department Capt. Nolan Locke said. "People had sprayed WD40 all over, but that didn't work." Locke said rescue workers tried several ways to free Ron without cutting...
Posted by Bittle at April 21, 2008

Ax to Grind

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 9, 2008: Two roommates thwarted a would-be robber by threatening him with a decorative ax and tearing off his mask before he fled their home, authorities said. Ronatarian Party leaders Ron and Brad were startled from sleep at about 6:30 a.m. Wednesday because of a loud noise, authorities said. Brad told police he saw a man with a handgun inside his home. The man pointed the gun at him and asked for money, authorities said. Brad told the intruder he only had a few dollars in change, which seemed to frustrate the man, police...
Posted by Bittle at April 9, 2008

Potty Mouth

Trenton, New Jersey, March 15, 2008: Talk about a potty mouth. A Jersey City man who allegedly shouted profanities at his overflowing toilet within earshot of a neighbor was cited for disorderly conduct, authorities said. Ornery presidential candidate Ron could face up to 30 days in jail and a fine of up to $200. "It doesn't make any sense. I was in my house. It's not like I was outside or drunk," Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for Brad) to get the mop." Ron...
Posted by Bittle at March 15, 2008

Big Moustache on The Daily Show

Samantha Bee discusses the influence of "Moustache Guy" on the Wyoming primary election results during the March 10, 2008 broadcast of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central). If this isn't another reminder of the power of the moustache on the 2008 presidential election, I don't know what is. Oddly, the graphic includes no reference to Ron or his campaign. This must be remedied....
Posted by Bittle at March 12, 2008

Sizing Someone Up

New York, New York, March 6, 2008: A tourist ended up in court after punching a man over a breach of urinal etiquette. Minnesotan Edward Aldridge, 47, punched his victim twice after he used the urinal next to him in a bar in Manhattan. Aldridge accused his victim -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- of looking at him "and [his] unit," reports The New Jersey Spew. Speaking in his defense, counsel Liz Bulger said: "This incident arose from what I understand to be urinal etiquette. "When the victim spoke to the defendant he was effectively smirking. The...
Posted by Bittle at March 6, 2008

Take a Stab at That

Norristown, PA, March 1, 2008: Montgomery County authorities say a man stabbed his brother-in-law during an argument over who should get the Ronatarian nomination for president. What's more, Jose Ortiz, 28, who's charged with felony assault, is a registered Democrat. District Attorney Lisa Ferman said Ortiz supports Ron and Sean "Boom Boom" Shurelds supports Brad. She told reporters Friday that the two got into an argument in a Collegeville home Thursday night and Shurelds tried to choke Ortiz. She says Ortiz then stabbed Shurelds in the abdomen. Shurelds was taken to a hospital in critical condition, but is expected...
Posted by Bittle at March 1, 2008

A Penny For Your Policies

New Rochelle, New York, February 21, 2008: For Jeff Haber and son Danny framing pennies makes sense. For decades, the elder Haber stashed the often-overlooked or unwanted copper coins. More recently, he decided to put them to good use. "I had a ton of pennies," Jeff Haber said. "I have 30 years of collected pennies." Inspiration came in the form of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln made entirely of pennies that he saw at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum in Florida about eight years ago. He and his son decided they were up for the challenge. But...
Posted by Bittle at February 21, 2008

GQ Endorses the Mustache

The 50th anniversary issue of Gentleman's Quarterly magazine (October 2007) lauded the mustache; and therefore praises the glory of the men (and women) who wear them. I think we all know who GQ will endorse for President in the 2008 election: Ron. It's so obvious....
Posted by Bittle at February 18, 2008

Crush Groove

Newark, New Jersey, February 15, 2008: It was a brush with death that still has Ron shuddering. The quasi-famous politico was driving home when a 40-foot-long container flew off a flatbed truck and fell on top of his moving car, crushing it. He survived with just minor injuries. "The damn thing fell right on me," said Ron, who was driving on the New Jersey Turnpike Thursday when the freakish accident occurred. "I escaped death by an inch and I'm still shook up thinking about it. I guess it wasn't my time to die," he told the New Jersey Spew...
Posted by Bittle at February 15, 2008

Headline from The Onion

This is a captioned photo from The Onion dated February 7, 2008: Eli Manning Finishes Super Bowl With Thick, Bushy Moustache If this isn't an endorsement for a leader from Northern New Jersey with a mustache, I don't know what is....
Posted by Bittle at February 7, 2008

Dumpster Diver

Newark, New Jersey, February 5, 2008: A man who awoke inside a garbage truck that was about to compact its load was rescued after making a frantic cell phone call to police, authorities say. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron -- was scavenging for bottles Monday when he fell asleep in a dumpster, said police Lt. Mike Pousak. Ron is not a narcoleptic and police expect alcohol had a hand in this latest escapade. Ron awoke when the container was unloaded into a truck. He told police he didn't know which truck he was in...
Posted by Bittle at February 5, 2008

Side Order of Sidewinder

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 30, 2008: Ronatarian Party leader Ron was a little rattled by something he says he found in a can of green beans: a snake head. The long-shot presidential candidate said he found the inch-long head on his plate Tuesday night, right between a chicken breast and buttered noodles. He said it came out of the green bean can. "When I sat down, I noticed something didn't look right," Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "It didn't look like a green bean." Ron said he called the Pathmark store where he bought the beans, and...
Posted by Bittle at January 30, 2008

Someone's Been Sleeping in Ron's Bed

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 22, 2008: Maybe this intruder should have had a good night's sleep. Police say a man returned to his house last week to find an intruder napping in his bed. The accused burglar, Mark William, didn't wake up until police placed handcuffs on him while he was snoozing. Police say the victim -- identified as local politico Ron -- came home at 7:30 a.m. after a bender to find William asleep in his bed. He drunk-dialed the police. Authorities say William, who goes by the nickname "Weasel," jammed a chair to the back entrance...
Posted by Bittle at January 22, 2008

Family Guy's Ode to the Mustache

The episode of Fox Television's Family Guy aired Sunday January 13, 2008 was an ode to the excellence of growing a mustache. This is an obvious overture to the greatness of Ron and his famous mustache. Is it a coincidence that this episode aired during the 2008 presidential primaries? We here at Ron4President.com think not. "It's a mustache kind of morning." "I watched the sunrise in my jeans, jeans shirt, and jeans jacket." "I am part of a very special community. People with mustaches look out for each other." "With great mustache comes great responsibility." "I'm not living my life...
Posted by Bittle at January 15, 2008

Restroom Break

White Plains, New York, January 9, 2008: A man who was apparently worried about a random drug test asked vice presidential candidate Brad at a mall for a urine sample. White Plains Police say Marcos Delacruz, 42, was charged with attempted evasion and endangering the welfare of Brad. He was arrested several hours after the incident in the men's room at the mall on Tuesday. Deputy Public Safety Commissioner Daniel Jackson said Delacruz took the sample to his appointment with his probation officer. A curious Brad was flattered by Delacruz's initial interest in him, but grew wary after several...
Posted by Bittle at January 9, 2008

Two Man Turns

Jackson, Wyoming, January 4, 2008: Everyone's heard of a bicycle built for two, but how about a two-person snowboard? Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron built one and recently teamed up with his running mate Brad to make some two-man turns down the Teewinot run at Jackson Hole Mountain Resort. They did it for a television crew and the Guinness Book of World Records. It can only help to promote their political campaign. "It seemed initially like going down a mountain in a canoe without a paddle, but after taking a few runs, a light went on," Brad said. "You're...
Posted by Bittle at January 4, 2008

Playboy Shout-Out

A nod to Ron's famous mustache in the November 2007 issue of Playboy. Could a presidential endorsement from Hugh Hefner be far behind?...
Posted by Bittle at January 2, 2008

Doh! A Deer!

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 21, 2007: A man subdued a deer that ran through the front picture window of his house. Ronatarian Party leader Ron wrestled the beast to the floor in the living room, and carried it out through the garage door, when Hudson County Animal Control officers took over. "My couch is ruined," said Ron's room- and running-mate Brad. He had to clean blood off his computer, coffee table, and ornamental tea set after the ordeal. Ron was in the garage working on his famed Camaro when the deer entered the house though a hole no...
Posted by Bittle at December 21, 2007

Feline Jihad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2007: Police are investigating after a man wrote about launching a "feline jihad" to rid his Jersey City suburb of stray cats. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron wrote a two-part series in the New Jersey Spew. The first of which was published December 17 and titled, "Madder Max: The Cat Lady and My New Dog." The second installment was published Tuesday and titled, "Feline Jihad: The Cat Lady, Part II." In his commentary, Ron said the strays fed by a "neighborhood cat lady" have brought filth and disease to his home, and...
Posted by Bittle at December 19, 2007

Cat Scratch Fever

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 17, 2007: Three stray cats attacked two people after they got into a house in Jersey City. "I thought I had seen it all, but I have never seen anything like this," Chief of Police Martin Gutschenritter said Sunday. A call for help Saturday took animal control officer John Pettit to the home of Ronatarian party leaders Ron and Brad, Gutschenritter said. Ron told Pettit he had captured three cats in a bedroom. "Ron said the cats had gotten into the house when the front door was open," Gutschenritter said, then attacked Brad and...
Posted by Bittle at December 17, 2007

Jive Turkey

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 11, 2007: The noise that Ron heard while sitting in his living room was a turkey that crashed through a second-story bedroom window. Ron was relaxing in his suburban home Monday when the uninvited guest arrived. Ron called the fire department and they tried to corral the 25-pound bird as it flapped around on the carpet amid blood and shards of glass. After about 30 minutes of trying to ease the turkey toward the window with a broomstick and a bong, Ron cornered the bird, grabbed it by the neck, and threw it out...
Posted by Bittle at December 11, 2007

Sword Play

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 28, 2007: A man says he broke into a house with a samurai sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his neighbor was watching. "Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake." According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning November 26, damaging the frame...
Posted by Bittle at November 28, 2007

Stiffy

Trenton, New Jersey, November 20, 2007: A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. The lawsuit filed by Ron, of Jersey City, said he bought the nutrition beverage, which is made by the Novartis pharmaceutical company, at a drugstore on October 14, 2007, and drank it. Novartis' Boost Plus Web site describes the drink as "a great tasting, high calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume," in...
Posted by Bittle at November 20, 2007

Tattoo You!

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 13, 2007: A man accused of kicking an argument with his neighbor up a notch by removing his shirt to reveal a two-word expletive tattoo faces 90 days probation and a $100 fine. Josh Kaminski pleaded guilty on Monday to a summary charge of disorderly conduct. Neighbor Ron -- a presidential candidate running on the Ronatarian Party ticket -- said he asked Kaminski if he could keep the noise down following a rowdy party. Ron said Kaminski cursed, bared the expletive tattoo on his chest, kicked Ron's famed Camaro, and motioned as though to...
Posted by Bittle at November 13, 2007

Halloween 2007

Happy Halloween 2007 from the Ronatarian Party!...
Posted by Bittle at October 31, 2007

Shots Heard Round the World

Madison, Wisconsin, October 29, 2007: Wisconsinites can forget about getting free shots of liquor at their local grocery store. Gov. Jim Doyle (Dem.) vetoed that provision of the new state budget Friday before signing the new two-year spending plan at a ceremony at the University of Wisconsin-Madison's student union. A provision slipped into the budget at the last minute would have allowed up to 1.5 ounces of liquor to be handed out free. "To me, it's absurd that you walk into a grocery store and start taking shots," Doyle said. "That's where the Democrats and I disagree," said Ron...
Posted by Bittle at October 29, 2007

Finger (Took a) Lickin'

Kearny, New Jersey, October 25, 2007: A little goofing off during a break from campaigning led to a time-consuming, embarrassing ordeal for an area politician. Authorities said the man got his right middle finger stuck in an oval-shaped hole of a cast-iron picnic table outside a Wal-Mart. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron was stumping outside the mega-store when he decided to take a rest at the picnic table. That's when -- while apparently simulating a sex act by using his hands -- his finger got caught in the table. Employees tried in vain to help Ron get free before...
Posted by Bittle at October 25, 2007

Toilet Snake

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 18, 2007: There was no Halloween bogeyman in the closet for one New Jersey man -- just a 7-foot-long python in his toilet. Presidential candidate Ron was trimming his mustache in his bathroom Tuesday night when he glanced back and saw the slithering serpent peeking out from his toilet, most of its body hidden in the pipes. "I turned on the light and screamed bloody murder," Ron told the New Jersey Spew. "That f*cker was huge! At first I thought Brad hadn't flushed...It still makes my heart race." Brad is Ron's house- and ticket-mate...
Posted by Bittle at October 18, 2007

Monster Mashing

Lloyd, New York, October 16, 2007: A woman says a strange naked man attacked her inflatable Halloween lawn display of three ghosts and a giant pumpkin, then apparently smashed his head through her window in a fit of rage. State Police said officers found drunken world enigma N8 inside Dawn Garcia's house in the Hudson Valley town of Lloyd on Monday evening. Officers arrested N8 after a brief struggle and charged him with burglary. Garcia told the Middletown Times Herald-Record she heard hollering and swearing and looked outside to see N8 struggling with the giant pumpkin. "He was enraged....
Posted by Bittle at October 16, 2007

From A-Hole to Zebra

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 10, 2007: Perpetual presidential candidate Ron says a zebra has been visiting his home and he almost has the photograph to prove it. Ron, who lives in a suburban Jersey City neighborhood, said his running mate Brad starting whimpering and he went outside to see what was causing the disturbance. A zebra was trotting down his driveway. It was wearing a ripped Lehigh University sweatshirt. He ran to get his camera because he knew no one would believe him. Unfortunately, the camera was not loaded with film. "I should have gotten my gun instead,"...
Posted by Bittle at October 10, 2007

Cough It Up

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 4, 2007: A seat belt saved a driver, police say, but not in the usual way. Ronatarian Party leader Ron was eating a fast-food sandwich Wednesday morning, said police Sgt. Doug Mozan. Ron choked and blacked out. His famous quasi-vintage Camaro then rolled and hit a dumpster. After the wreck, Ron came to. Mozan attributed his revival to a "seat-belt-induced Heimlich maneuver." Witnesses told police Ron got out of his car, and they asked if he was OK. "No, I'm not," he said, and collapsed again. Paramedics revived him and took him to the...
Posted by Bittle at October 4, 2007

Star Struck

Weehawken, New Jersey, September 24, 2007: Movie star George Clooney and a female companion were injured this past weekend when their motorcycle collided with a car on a narrow road across the Hudson River from New York City. The 46-year-old actor suffered a broken rib and scrapes while his passenger, Sarah Larson, broke her foot in the afternoon collision. Clooney's spokesman Stan Rosenfield says both were treated and released from Palisades Medical Center in North Bergen, New Jersey. "He's doing fine," Rosenfield said. "He has a broken rib, it's very painful, and it'll take a long time to heal."...
Posted by Bittle at September 24, 2007

Snake in the Gas

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, September 20, 2007: A snake slithered out of the engine compartment of Ron's Camaro when he stopped to get gasoline, causing a bit of commotion at the station. The Ronatarian Party founder and leader was at a Wawa convenience store in the city on Wednesday morning when a woman at the gas pump next to him began yelling, police said. Ron thought nothing of the shouting, as women often scream in his presence. A boa constrictor more than 5 feet long was emerging from Ron's engine compartment, police said. It slithered out to the store's parking lot,...
Posted by Bittle at September 20, 2007

Egghead II

Wilmington, Delaware, September 14, 2007: There was another Ron sighting in a foodstuff this week, and it was in Boothwyn, Pennsylvania, just across the Delaware line. As it happens, the seeds inside a couple's eggplant spell "RON." It's so remarkable to Paul and Felicia Testes that they've offered it for sale on eBay for $1,000, with bids accepted into next week. "God created that eggplant," Paul told a reporter. "He also put the seeds in that eggplant, and he guided my wife's hand to cut it where she did. God led her to Ron...it's a miracle!" Local church officials...
Posted by Bittle at September 14, 2007

Ron's Hard About Lemonade

Sacramento, California, August 21, 2007: California regulators voted last Tuesday to raise taxes on "alcopops" -- flavored alcoholic beverages some say are packaged to appeal to youth and contribute to underage drinking. Maine has already made such a move, and other states are likely to follow, said Michael Scippa, advocacy director for The Marin Institute, a watchdog group. If Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron can help it, New Jersey won't be on that list. "It's preposterous to consider taxing these beverages," said Ron to a throng of sunbathers on Long Beach Island, New Jersey. "I mean, why make women...
Posted by Bittle at August 21, 2007

Brake Failure

Newark, New Jersey, August 17, 2007: Yep. It was the brakes all right. A motorist whose brakes were "acting strange" and wanted them checked drove through the front window of a tire store when the brakes failed as he was pulling into a parking spot, Newark (N.J.) Police Officer Eric Hendrix said. No one was injured in the Thursday morning incident at a Les Pneumatiques tire store on McCarter Highway; although "six or eight feet of the car was inside the store," Hendrix said. The driver of the Chevrolet Camaro -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- was...
Posted by Bittle at August 17, 2007

Ride on the Piels Train

Washington, D.C., August 2, 2007: Amtrak is trying to gin up new business by offering $100 in free alcohol to customers on some overnight trains. The national passenger-rail company is making the unusual offer to promote a new high-end service being offered on a trial basis for certain sleeper-car trips. Members of Amtrak's guest rewards program -- the railroad equivalent of frequent fliers -- can get a $100 per person credit for alcohol between November and January. "I like it," said Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. "I mean, how else are people supposed to pass the time on the...
Posted by Bittle at August 2, 2007

Mouse Chips

Newark, New Jersey, August 1, 2007: Frito-Lay Inc. says it will investigate a New Jersey man's "unsubstantiated claim" that he found a deep-fried mouse in a bag of corn chips. Ron, a political wanna-be, said he was snacking on the chips Tuesday when he pulled out the crispy rodent. "Good thing I seen it. I got it all the way up to my mouth," he said. "I felt the fur, I brought it back down and just looked at it and threw it behind my back. I nearly hit Brad square in the face." Frito-Lay was sending a representative...
Posted by Bittle at August 1, 2007

The Old Man and the Ron

Key West, Florida, July 23, 2007: A white-bearded insurance agent from Florida won the Ernest Hemingway Look-Alike Contest, a highlight of the annual festival honoring the famed writer. Larry Austin defeated 122 other contenders in the competition at Sloppy Joe's Bar, Hemingway's favorite watering hole when he lived in the Keys in the 1930s. The final round was held late Saturday, which would have been Hemingway's 108th birthday. Austin, of Palm Harbor, said he shares Hemingway's fondness for Key West, cats and having a good time, though he has never attempted writing anything except insurance policies. "When they called...
Posted by Bittle at July 23, 2007

The Sky is Falling!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 19, 2007: A hunk of metal that crashed through the roof of a home has NASA, Federal Aviation Administration, and New Jersey Transit officials scratching their heads. Ron, who lives in the house, was watching television Wednesday when he heard a crash and saw a cloud of dust. In the next room, he found a hunk of gray metal, 3 1/2 inches by 5 inches, with two hexagonal holes in it. Experts say it's manmade, but nobody can say where it might have come from. New Jersey Transit has railroad tracks about 100 feet...
Posted by Bittle at July 19, 2007

Volatile Mixture

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 17, 2007: A man who was apparently trying to make fireworks touched off an explosion in his garage/workshop and set his house aflame Sunday, authorities said. No one was hurt. The man behind the accident is local politician and known tinkerer Ron -- a man supposedly with an engineering degree. Flash powder, used in fireworks, was found among chemicals in the garage, said Mike Campbell, a spokesman for the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. A side of the attached garage was gutted, but the house didn't appear to be badly damaged....
Posted by Bittle at July 17, 2007

Monumental Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 3, 2007: It's George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abe Lincoln -- carved out of a giant block of cheese. Presidential candidate Ron used his carving tools to turn a 700-pound block of Land O' Lakes cheddar into a replica of Mount Rushmore. The noted cheese lover was not commissioned by any company and said he created the edible sculpture "out of love for cheese and the American presidency." He's hoping to get publicity for his word-of-mouth 2008 campaign through promotion of the sculpture. So far, no television programs have agreed to show...
Posted by Bittle at July 3, 2007

Salad Knife

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 20, 2007: Someone kicked in the door of politician Ron's house, stuck a knife in the door, and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator. Jersey City police said Ron reported the bizarre burglary on Tuesday. He told investigators someone broke into his home while he went to a nearby tavern. Nothing but the salad was missing, police said. Police said they have a suspect in mind and expect to file charges once they finish their investigation. Rumor has it that onetime Ron ally and friend N8 is currently in the greater New York...
Posted by Bittle at June 20, 2007

Watch the Birdy

West Des Moines, Iowa, June 8, 2007: A ball hit by Rob Lowe during a celebrity golf game hit the Iowa state bird in mid-flight Wednesday. The 43-year-old actor was hitting an approach shot on the fourth hole when his ball hit a goldfinch, dropping about 50 yards short of the green, The Des Moines Register reported. As the rest of the players in his group broke out in laughter and applause, Lowe raised his arms in mock celebration. "That's my birdie," he said after looking at the bird, which lay motionless on the ground. "That's unbelievable. Who comes...
Posted by Bittle at June 8, 2007

Scrap Metal

Bay City, Michigan, June 6, 2007: Buying a keg for your next party just got a little more expensive. Large breweries have complained about losing thousands of beer kegs a year in Michigan because retail beer customers have been selling off the stainless steel barrels at scrap yards rather than returning them to stores to get their $10 deposit back. As a result, state alcohol officials have boosted the deposit from $10 to $30, The Bay City Times reported Tuesday. The action ruffled political feathers 700 miles away in New Jersey where Ronatarian Party leader Ron learned of the...
Posted by Bittle at June 6, 2007

Chicken Little

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 25, 2007: A local politician believes a chunk of blue ice from the holding tank of an aircraft toilet ripped a hole in his roof and destroyed his bed. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was trimming his famous mustache when the ice crashed into the house Thursday night. "It was a huge crash. It shook the whole building, but I thought it was a car," Ron said. "I almost cut my lip on that one." Ron went outside to investigate but found nothing, so he returned to his mustache upkeep. He didn't discover...
Posted by Bittle at May 25, 2007

Coming Unglued

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 22, 2007: A gang of armed robbers forced a man to strip naked and then glued him to his exercise bike and sealed his lips with more glue while they ransacked his house, according to a published newspaper article. Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad was left stuck to the bike with super-strong glue for three hours until he was rescued by Ronatarian leader, and fellow housemate, Ron. Brad was carjacked Monday while driving his tricked-out Dodge Neon in Newark's seedy downtown, the New Jersey Spew reported. His assailants, dressed in suits and armed with handguns...
Posted by Bittle at May 22, 2007

Horse Cents

Wayne, New Jersey, May 4, 2007: An early-morning bank customer had a bit of a shock when he found a horse already in line at the automatic teller machine in front of him. It seems the horse's rider, identified as Ronatarian leader Ron, had a bit too much to drink the night before and decided to sleep it off inside the bank's protected foyer, police said Thursday. The quasi-famous politico told The New Jersey Spew he had quaffed "a few beers" with a friend in town and decided to hit the hay in the bank on his way home....
Posted by Bittle at May 4, 2007

Masked Man

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 16, 2007: Bank robbers, terrorists, and prowlers have given ski masks a bad name for years, but a local New Jersey man is wearing them around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is plotting mayhem. Ronatarian Ron got the idea in 2005 after he walked out of a liquor store and slipped on a ski mask for an impromptu photograph. A passer-by, fearing the store had been robbed, called police. Ron was charged with breach of peace and had to perform 15 hours of community service. (Ron chose to work with...
Posted by Bittle at April 16, 2007

Dropsy Dancing

Newark, New Jersey, April 10, 2007: A woman is suing her dance partner, claiming he dropped her on her head after flipping her into the air during a St. Patrick's Day celebration. Lacey Hindman, 22, was a victim of "negligent dancing," says her lawyer, David M. Baum. In the suit, Hindman claims that during an Irish-themed party at a Newark (NJ) bar and restaurant in March 2007, Ronatarian Ron grabbed her by the forearms and tossed her in the air, and then she crashed to the wood floor. "I was in the air, over him," Hindman said. "I fell...
Posted by Bittle at April 10, 2007

Death at 30,000 Feet

London, England, March 21, 2007: A first-class passenger on a flight from New Delhi to London awoke find the corpse of a woman who had died in the economy cabin being placed in a seat next to him, British Airways said Tuesday. The economy section of the flight was full, and the cabin crew needed to move the woman and her grieving family out of that compartment to give them some privacy, the airline said. The first-class passenger, vacationing American politico Ron, told the London Times newspaper that he was passed out during his flight from India and woke...
Posted by Bittle at March 21, 2007

Relief at 30,000 Feet

New Delhi, India, March 19, 2007: Air India apologized to an American passenger who said he wasn't allowed to use the restroom during a two-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag. Vacationing Ronatarian Party leader Ron said he had five "really big beers" at the Pune, India airport. While on a flight to New Delhi on March 17 he wanted to use the cabin restroom. The captain had declared it off-limits during the short flight because a light wasn't working. Ron said he had used the cabin restroom before the plane departed but had to go...
Posted by Bittle at March 19, 2007

Shark Attack!

Sydney, Australia, March 15, 2007: A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Wednesday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka. Vacationing American Ron was fishing off a jetty at Louth Bay, a town on South Australia state's Eyre Peninsula 870 miles west of Sydney, when he spotted the bronze whaler shark swimming in the shallows, the Australian Broadcasting Corp. reported. "I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Ron said. "He was...
Posted by Bittle at March 15, 2007

Ain't That a Kick in the Head

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 6, 2007: Two packages containing human body parts -- including a penis and part of a head -- meant for a medical research lab instead were delivered to a local residence. The body parts, sent from China, were mistakenly dropped off Monday at Ronatarian Party Headquarters by a DHL express driver who believed the bubble-wrapped items were pieces to a table. "Brad started to unwrap one and said, 'This is strange, it looks like a flaccid penis,'" Ronatarian leader Ron said. The second package contained most of a human head -- ears and all....
Posted by Bittle at March 6, 2007

Call Mr. Plow

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 17, 2007: The wintry blast was a perfect opportunity for Ron to put his robot plow through its paces. For almost two years, Ron -- an engineer by education, but a career politician -- has often done snow clearing from the comfort of his living room, watching from the window as the converted golf cart with plow attachment clears his driveway while he operates the remote control. "It's funny, we'll see people look at it really strange, and my mentor will be standing in the window," said Ron's political and life companion, Brad. "It's...
Posted by Bittle at February 17, 2007

Hot Neon

Newark, New Jersey, February 14, 2007: A wanna-be politician who reported that his car was stolen got a surprise when he learned a woman had mistaken it for her daughter's car and taken it -- using her key. Suzanne Shaw of Nutley became an accidental car thief when she went to pick up her daughter's car near an Essex County College building last week. Shaw spotted the tricked out Dodge Neon and used her daughter's key to unlock the car, start the engine, and drive home -- without realizing that the car wasn't her daughter's. When Ronatarian Party official...
Posted by Bittle at February 14, 2007

Tossing the Old Pig(skin)

Suffern, New York, February 1, 2007: When pigs fly, indeed. Ronatarian Party leader Ron, of Jersey City (N.J.), has been fined $279 for tossing a pig over the counter at the Holiday Inn in Suffern on January 19. Ron pleaded no contest Wednesday in county court to a charge of disturbing the peace. Rockland County Police Lt. Jon Weiss has said Ron didn't know the employees of the hotel. There was no evidence intoxication was a factor, which is strange for a case involving Ron or his so-called political party supporters. No one was hurt, including the pig, officers...
Posted by Bittle at February 1, 2007

Train in Vain

Newark, New Jersey, January 30, 2007: A drunk man who tried to climb over a freight train stopped at a downtown crossing ended up going for a ride when the train took off. The man, identified as Ronatarian leader Ron, called 911 from his cell phone early Sunday when the train reached the Roselle Park area west of Newark because he was cold and wanted off, said Essex County Deputy Sheriff Shawn Getz. Dispatchers called CSX Railway, which alerted the train conductor. "A few miles west of Roselle Park they were able to stop the train and Ron got...
Posted by Bittle at January 30, 2007

Club Bopping

New York, New York, January 15, 2007: A local politician was detained for public intoxication after claiming he was robbed by naked and scantily clad attackers at a male strip club, authorities said. Police arrested Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad early Sunday outside Club Nubian Fantasee, a dance club that becomes an all-nude male revue after midnight. Police said he told them he was attacked by three men, one naked and another in only a towel. Brad told police the men threw him out of the club and stole his wallet, though he later found the wallet. Club employees told...
Posted by Bittle at January 15, 2007

FOAD

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 12, 2007: The vanity plates of Ronatarian Party leader Ron are going to get a makeover. Ron said he received a letter Thursday from the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission notifying him that he must change the plates on his classic Chevrolet Camaro. The plates read: FOAD69. Among some members of the military and computer users, FOAD stands for "(expletive deleted) off and die." In December, the state asked Ron to explain the acronym. He said he told them it stands for "fuzzy overbites are divine" -- a reference to his famous mustache. The...
Posted by Bittle at January 12, 2007

Fartinosis

Nashville, Tennessee, January 9, 2007: It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said. The flight from Dallas to Newark (NJ) was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches and "a horrendous smell of busted ass," said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. Although pressure in the cabin...
Posted by Bittle at January 9, 2007

Stick Me in the Jimmy!

Bogor, Indonesia, November 17, 2006: A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and other Americans, including Bush's entourage, while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia. Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face. "I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas. "I also don't like that Ron fellow," referring to Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron....
Posted by Bittle at November 17, 2006

Crop Circle

Edgewater Park, New Jersey, November 15, 2006: Police have arrested a Burlington County man for using a lawn mower to cut a political slur in the grass in an open field. Dennis E. Westphal, 19, of Edgewater Park turned himself in to the Edgewater Park Township police on Tuesday, a day after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest, according to a statement from the Burlington County Prosecutor's Office. Police were initially alerted to the incident on November 5 when a local resident called them, said William J. Clinton, a spokesman for the prosecutor's office. The political slur, which...
Posted by Bittle at November 15, 2006

Straw Poll

London, England, November 3, 2006: A large number of Britons would be prepared to give up sex if it meant they would live to be 100, according to a survey Friday. The Mori research found that 40 percent would pass on the passion for longevity, although far more women (48 percent) were willing to make the sacrifice than men (31 percent). However nearly all (94 percent) would not give up their friends or family in order to reach their century while a half thought scientists should keep trying to prolong people's lifespans. Private health care provider BUPA commissioned the...
Posted by Bittle at November 3, 2006

Bridging the Gap

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 1, 2006: Ronatarian Party leader Ron figured a 50-foot fall was worth $20. Ron was counting his money Tuesday while walking across the Wittpenn Bridge over the Hackensack River when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail. He followed. And plummeted 50 feet into the river. Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the water. "I got my money back, hell yeah," Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke." He was fished from the water...
Posted by Bittle at November 1, 2006

Scratching and Clawing

Antigo, Wisconsin, October 27, 2006: Three-year-old Robert Moore went fishing for a stuffed replica of politician Ron and ended up trapped in a vending machine. The toddler's adventure began with a Thursday evening shopping trip with his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, and three siblings. Bierdemann ended the trip by giving each child a dollar and telling them to have fun in a retailer's game room. A stuffed Ron (Ronatarian Party) in a vending machine's bin caught Robert's eye. He tried without success to fish it out with a plastic crane. "He's a character," his grandmother said. "Even though he's only...
Posted by Bittle at October 27, 2006

Elbow Room

Miami, Florida, October 18, 2006: Federal agents questioned two airline passengers Tuesday after a dispute that began when a man sprayed the person sitting next to him with perfume, authorities said. The two men, who were not arrested, were aboard an American Airlines flight from Newark, New Jersey to Miami when the confrontation took place, Miami FBI spokeswoman Judy Orihuela said. Before the flight, the older man left his assigned seat and lay down in the aisle. He also asked for a glass of water and poured it on his head, Orihuela said. The older man, an unidentified 56-year-old...
Posted by Bittle at October 18, 2006

Piggybackin'

Newry, Maine, October 12, 2006: Ron, a presidential candidate from New Jersey who trained by doing "stadiums" at a local high school while carrying a keg of beer, won the seventh annual North American Brad Carrying Championship on Saturday at Sunday River. Ron's first-place finish earned him and his running mate Brad -- no last name given -- Ron's weight in beer and five times Brad's weight in cash, or $730. They also are eligible for a $1,000 reimbursement toward a trip to the world championships in Finland next July. Ron and Brad completed the 278-yard course, which includes...
Posted by Bittle at October 12, 2006

Bouncing Back

Wilmington, Delaware, October 6, 2006: A bungee cord on a thrill ride broke, leaving a man dangling 25 feet off the ground for a half-hour until he was rescued by firefighters. Ronatarian Party leader Ron was not seriously hurt in the incident Thursday at the city's annual Polish Festival. A ride worker also was helped down by rescuers. The ride, called the Ejection Seat, consists of a two-seat chair that is suspended from two towers by bungee cords. Passengers are propelled as much as 200 feet high at speeds of about 60 mph. Shortly after Ron was launched, one...
Posted by Bittle at October 6, 2006

Clowning Around

Alameda, California, October 4, 2006: A real clown is running for mayor of Alameda, and even his sister won't vote for him. Kenneth Kahn, 41, a professional joker known as "Kenny the Clown," admits he's running a long-shot campaign for City Hall's top spot. Kahn has not previously run for an elected position and has never sat on a public board. "People ask me, 'Do we really want to elect a clown for mayor of the city?'" he said. "I say, 'That's an excellent question.'" Kahn's sister, Sylvia Kahn, said her brother doesn't have a chance, and pen pal...
Posted by Bittle at October 4, 2006

Warrior Pose

Hong Kong, China, September 27, 2006: An American politician tried to join a Chinese dynasty's army -- but he volunteered centuries too late. The 30-something-year-old man -- identified as Ron or by his Chinese name "Dat Cok" -- made a dusty brown suit of armor, a tunic and a helmet, and attempted to blend in with the ancient warriors of the terra cotta army in the western city of Xi'an, the Hong Kong newspapers Ming Pao Daily News and Wen Wei Poo reported on Tuesday. The outfit matched the uniforms worn by the thousands of terra cotta soldiers buried...
Posted by Bittle at September 27, 2006

How Important is a Dictator’s Mustache?

Courtesy of Mental Floss From Hitler to Mussolini to Saddam, dictators have long relied on their facial topiary to give the illusion of having stiff upper lips. But be careful about offering them any grooming advice. In 1923, for example, Hitler's friend Ernst Hanfstaengl encouraged the future Fuhrer to grow his mustache across the entire length of his lip. Perhaps unaccustomed to receiving a little friendly advice, Hitler tried to have Hanfstaengl killed. Critics of Stalins 'stache fared even worse. In a poem intended only for a small circle of friends, Osip Mandelstam compared Stalin's mustache to a cockroach....
Posted by Bittle at September 15, 2006

Pasted

Newark, New Jersey, September 8, 2006: A New Jersey man took two men hostage at gunpoint, stripped them naked, bound their hands together with super glue, and poured glue into their mouths, police said Friday. Ryan Avila, 36, was arrested early Friday after releasing his hostages during the night. They were treated at the scene and released. The captives have been identified as Ronatarian Party higher-ups Ron and Brad. The motive behind the bizarre incident was unclear but police speculate a possible relationship among the three may have triggered Avila's behavior. "There was some kind of dispute there and...
Posted by Bittle at September 8, 2006

Driving Me Crazy

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2006: A man who fell asleep in his driveway was rudely awakened when his roommate came home and turned into the driveway to park his car. Brad said he drove into the driveway shortly after midnight Thursday and heard a loud cracking sound, a Jersey City Police report said. When he got out of his pimped-out Dodge Neon, he heard moaning and found his roommate and boss, Ronatarian Party chief Ron, on the ground near his vehicle. Brad said he did not initially see Ron in the driveway. "Jesus!" Brad exclaimed. "He's gonna...
Posted by Bittle at August 25, 2006

Flinging Poop

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 18, 2006: Thieves in New Jersey stole $60 from a man by throwing feces at him from behind and then pick-pocketing him while they pretended to help clean up the mess, authorities said Thursday. After withdrawing the money from an automatic teller machine for a beer run the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- was struck in the back of the neck by what he described as human feces, police said. "Immediately afterwards two large women came up to him from behind and claimed they had seen someone excreting down onto...
Posted by Bittle at August 18, 2006

Gr8 Disturbance

What happened? By Esteban Bittlestein, August 12, 2005 Although I do not consider myself a Jedi Knight -- one wise in the ways of The Force -- I felt a great disturbance in the space-time continuum today. As Obi-Wan Kenobi famously said, it was "as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced." Why? While recovering from my "episode," I caught wind of an unholy matrimony taking place on the West Coast of the United States. (I listen to the police scanner a lot.) Apparently, the Gr8 White N8 formed a covenant between himself...
Posted by Bittle at August 12, 2006

Beyond the Grave

Allentown, Pennsylvania, August 10, 2006: A pallbearer is suing a DeRossett funeral home after he fell in a grave during a burial ceremony. Ronatarian Party leader Ron, according to the lawsuit filed in state district court, was serving as a pallbearer in May 2006 during the burial of a relative at Mickley Cemetery in nearby Whitehall. The funeral and burial were directed by Labium Memorial Funeral Home of DeRossett. Ron contends that while he and other pallbearers were attempting to place the casket of Ronislaw Walszak in a grave, the surface of the gravesite began to cave in, causing...
Posted by Bittle at August 10, 2006

Roadside Manner

Moorestown, New Jersey, August 1, 2006: A flat tire was the first thing that went wrong for a Jersey City man on Monday. Ronatarian Party leader Ron pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike and was searching for a tire-changing tool when a passing tractor-trailer apparently launched a rock in his direction, the New Jersey State Police reported. Attempting to elude the rock, Ron jumped toward his famed Camaro, struck his head on the rear window, and fell to the ground unconscious. Ron was admitted to a local medical center for observation. He was released after a few hours...
Posted by Bittle at August 1, 2006

Lightning Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 29, 2006: He's lucky to be alive. A New Jersey man who was hit by lightning has been suffering from headaches and chest pain, but is glad to be a survivor. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was working in his yard on Friday. He had one hand touching his famed Camaro and the other holding a pole when the lightning hit, throwing him several feet. Ron says he was "rolling like I was on fire." He was slightly burned on his hands, chest, and forehead. His trademark mustache remained unharmed. Ron won't be...
Posted by Bittle at July 29, 2006

Alphabits

Greencastle, Indiana, July 26, 2006: A letter-loving thief has police and business owners baffled after dozens of Ns, Os, and Rs were stolen from signs around the community. "We've lost our Rs. And we want them back," said Randall Jones, president of Headley Hardware. The weekend caper targeted gas stations, restaurants, repair shops, and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people about 40 miles west of Indianapolis. The thief also nabbed half a dozen Os from a lighted marquee in front of a National Guard post. "I don't know if they think it's a joke, but to me...
Posted by Bittle at July 26, 2006

I Got Da Motts!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 20, 2006: A quasi-famous customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said. The suspect shot himself in the head during the struggle, and passed out after the customer -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- administered four blows to the head with the Mott's applesauce. "Finally, the guy passes out," said Det. Curtis Mayfield. "There's blood everywhere -- on the floor, all over." About 15 customers were in Gomez Grocery in the city's East Lafayette...
Posted by Bittle at July 20, 2006

Egghead

Almaty, Kazakhstan, July 18, 2006: A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Ron" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Monday. "Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Ron' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform. "We don't know who Ron is, but we'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad." The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village. Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni...
Posted by Bittle at July 18, 2006

Kiss the Buddha

Trenton, New Jersey, July 7, 2006: In between answering questions Thursday about North Korea's missiles, Iran's nuclear program, and American Idol winner Taylor Hicks, Ronatarian party official Brad answered what was for many observers a more burning question: What compelled him to kiss the bare stomach of a young boy in a Trenton park? Footage of the July 2 incident was broadcast on all local television stations. It quickly became fodder for internet chat rooms and topped the national tabloids the day after. The question was one of the most popular among the hundreds e-mailed in for a live...
Posted by Bittle at July 7, 2006

Nomination, Shmomination

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 27, 2006: Denied the Ronatarian nomination to run for Congress, a psychotherapist who conducts nude group sessions told party leaders in an e-mail to kiss his rump. Ronatarians on Monday chose no nominee rather than select Bill Williamson of Hudson County to run for the vacant 13th District seat. New Jersey's 13th Congressional District currently has no representative in the House of Representatives. Robert Menendez resigned from this seat on January 16, 2006 in advance of his assumption of the Senate seat vacated by Jon Corzine, who in turn left his Senate seat to...
Posted by Bittle at June 27, 2006

Jumping to Conclusions

Trenton, New Jersey, June 19, 2006: Jersey City's mayor said he was arrested and roughed up by police over the weekend for intervening in an argument outside a beach bar. Mayor Jerramiah Healy said he had just left Barry's Tavern in Bradley Beach -- a bar owned by his sister -- around 2 a.m. Saturday when he saw a couple arguing in a nearby parking lot. Nearing the scene, he realized that both participants were males. He said one man was jumping on the hood of the other's car. Healy then identified the jumper as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad....
Posted by Bittle at June 19, 2006

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Corvallis, Oregon, June 12, 2006: A main ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer and enlargement, according to a new study. Oregon State University researchers say the compound xanthohumol, found in hops, inhibits a specific protein in the cells along the surface of the prostate gland. The protein acts like a signal switch that turns on a variety of animal and human cancers, including prostate cancer. Cancer typically results from uncontrolled cell reproduction and growth. Xanthohumol belongs to a group of plant compounds called flavonoids, which can trigger the programmed cell death that controls growth, researchers say. Having...
Posted by Bittle at June 12, 2006

Fuzzy Duck

Cordelia, California, June 2, 2006: The International Bird Rescue Research Center in Cordelia plans to raise funds with an unusual duck X-ray. The bird came in with a broken wing, but when Marie Travers, assistant manager of the center, radiographed the duck, she was stunned to see a very clear image of what appeared to be the face, or head, of an extraterrestrial alien in the bird's stomach. What's oddest is that the alien appears to have a mustache. "Marie looked at it and all she could say was 'unbelievable,'" said Karen Benzel, public affairs director for the rescue...
Posted by Bittle at June 2, 2006

The Corridors of Power Hour

Trenton, New Jersey, May 24, 2006: New Jersey legislators and staff members should not be drunk while performing their official duties, a citizen panel says. The Public Commission on the New Jersey Legislature adopted that recommendation Tuesday; although the panel decided to leave it to House and Senate leaders to draft rules against intoxication and possible penalties. "We were uncomfortable acting as a nanny," said Kerry Teetotaler, a commission member and conservative pundit. The new policy was suggested by Steve Downs, president of Crime Victims United, who said he and another member of the group noticed alcohol on the...
Posted by Bittle at May 24, 2006

Out on a Limb

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 22, 2006: He was, quite literally, out on a limb. And so on Sunday, a drunken man who spent the night in a tree had to be rescued by city firefighters. "Alcohol and climbing trees don't really mix," said Noel Limprick, of the Jersey City fire department. "In all seriousness, he could've killed himself if he had fallen. "He had had a sh*tload of booze in him and in his inebriated state he climbed 100 feet up an oak tree, without his shoes on. He then fell asleep," Limprick said. "I'm not quite sure...
Posted by Bittle at May 22, 2006

Bra(d) Strap

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 18, 2006: A local man escaped serious injury from a gunshot Wednesday thanks to his seat belt and a thick bra strap, authorities said. Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad was shot through the windshield of the ramshackle Dodge Neon he was driving Wednesday. He said he felt a searing pain in his shoulder. Jersey City Police said a .38-caliber bullet smashed through the windshield then bounced off Brad's shoulder — thanks to a seat belt and a thick bra strap. The copper-jacketed slug landed in his lap. "It's a big bullet, but you had all...
Posted by Bittle at May 18, 2006

Eau de Ron

London, England, May 13, 2006: BLUE STILTON CHEESE APPROACHES RON TO BE FACE OF NEW PRODUCT The Stilton Cheese Makers Association (SCMA) has approached radical American politician Ron to be the face of a brand new product -- Stilton perfume. Eau de Stilton has been commissioned by the SCMA as part of the Stick on the Stilton campaign for 2006, to encourage people to try eating Blue Stilton cheese as part of everyday meals -– scattered on a pizza, sliced onto a burger, or slipped into a sandwich. The perfume, which has been blended by Manchester based ID Aromatics...
Posted by Bittle at May 13, 2006

Cola Wars

Purchase, New York, May 9, 2006: A consumer court Monday ordered soft drink maker PepsiCo to pay financial damages after a customer found a condom inside a bottle, a news report said. Calling the case "rare" and one that had a serious bearing on public health, the court ordered the company to pay $2,500 to a legal aid fund for consumers, and $500 to the complainant, The New Jersey Spew reported. "This case is an eye-opener for others who are engaged in manufacturing soft drinks and are required to maintain the prescribed standards of purity in (the) public interest,"...
Posted by Bittle at May 9, 2006

Captain Hook

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 3, 2006: Restaurants, gas stations, stores, and other businesses in one New Jersey city may soon face another regulation -- coat hooks and shelves in all public bathrooms. The Jersey City Council Ordinance Committee has endorsed a proposal from Ronatarian Party leader Ron to create a local law requiring a coat hook and small shelf in each stall. Ron has said no one should have to leave belongings on a public bathroom floor because there is no place to put them. "It's disgusting," Ron said to a gathering of newspapermen at a local Exxon...
Posted by Bittle at May 3, 2006

Cojones Grandes

Mexico City, Mexico, April 26, 2006: Among the crowing, slurs, and insults being flung around in Mexico's election race, campaign ads in this country are even competing over which candidate has the greatest manhood. From television spots to interviews with presidential hopefuls, you could be forgiven for wondering if the only thing that counts in this election race is size. "We know why we are with Roberto. It's because he has big ones," says a farmer in a TV spot to promote Institutional Revolutionary Party, or PRI, candidate Roberto Madrazo, running in third place in opinion polls. A radio...
Posted by Bittle at April 26, 2006

Green Eggs and Wham!

Edison, New Jersey, April 20, 2006: The Easter Bunny has been fired -- for losing his head. Arthur J. McClure, 22, who had been hired to play the Easter Bunny at a local mall has been accused of removing the head of the costume and hitting a customer, authorities said. McClure punched local politician Ron when he got upset that the photo exhibit was closing 10 minutes early Saturday night, police reports said. The incident was witnessed by dozens of people at the Edison Mall, including 15 children and Brad. McClure said he never punched Ron. He claims he...
Posted by Bittle at April 20, 2006

Green Eggs and Wham!

Edison, New Jersey, April 20, 2006: The Easter Bunny has been fired -- for losing his head. Arthur J. McClure, 22, who had been hired to play the Easter Bunny at a local mall has been accused of removing the head of the costume and hitting a customer, authorities said. McClure punched local politician Ron when he got upset that the photo exhibit was closing 10 minutes early Saturday night, police reports said. The incident was witnessed by dozens of people at the Edison Mall, including 15 children and Brad. McClure said he never punched Ron. He claims he...
Posted by Bittle at April 20, 2006

Beddy-Bye Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 18, 2006: A man who tied himself to a foldaway bed because he was bored was rescued by police after becoming trapped in its mechanism, officials said on Monday. The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad. Neighbors alerted police to the house in the working class neighborhood after hearing Brad's cries for help late on Sunday night. When police entered the upstairs bedroom, they found the bed had folded itself away and the red-faced man was tied upside down to it with a tow-rope and wire and unable to free himself....
Posted by Bittle at April 18, 2006

Where the Water Flows Like Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 4, 2006: Several men thought they were in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in their home. "I turned on the tap to clean some cheese knives and beer came out," Ronatarian Party leader Ron told The New Jersey Spew from the modest house. "We thought we were in heaven." Added Ronatarian higher-up and housemate Brad, "We just didn't know what to do with ourselves. We grabbed a bunch of buckets and called all of our friends to come over." No one came to the house. Ron said he tried...
Posted by Bittle at April 4, 2006

Thrown Under the Bus

Newark, New Jersey, March 29, 2006: A transit bus driver grabbed a man by the hair, knocked his head into a pole, opened the door, and tossed him into traffic after he yelled at him for missing his stop, police said. The man -- identified later as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- suffered scrapes and bruises, but nothing too serious. "I'm lucky to be alive," said Ron later. "That crazy f*cker tried to kill me!" Bus driver Robert Gipello, 53, was arraigned Tuesday on aggravated assault and other charges, said Officer Janice Russell, a police spokeswoman. He was being...
Posted by Bittle at March 29, 2006

Bikini Assassins

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 15, 2006: A local political leader alleged a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. Ronatarian Party founder Ron said he was on his way out to the liquor store on Tuesday evening when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram. Murphy said a friend had already paid for the show, police said. "I thought Brad had done something nice for me," Ron said in his statement to the police. When Ron agreed to let her perform, knife-wielding Richard Adams, 23, allegedly...
Posted by Bittle at March 15, 2006

Tabooboo

London, England, March 8, 2006: Bars and nightclubs in London and other British cities have begun using vending machines that sell sex toys such as mini vibrators. The pink Tabooboo machines had previously been used in public toilets in Britain, under the assumption that such settings gave buyers some privacy. But Geoff Todd, manager of the Alphabet Bar in London's West End area, said the Tabooboo machine it installed in the middle of the bar is used daily. "Some people use it just because it's in the bar. Some make a special journey, maybe because they are to embarrassed...
Posted by Bittle at March 8, 2006

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 1, 2006: A woman pleaded guilty Tuesday to attempted murder charges for trying to hire a hit man to rob and kill two men for what she thought was cocaine, but turned out to be cheese. Jessica Wilkes Booth, 18, hatched the plot after she visited the home of the men, and mistook queso fresco -- a white, crumbly cheese common in Mexican cuisine. The two men identified as the targets were Ronatarian Party heads Ron and Brad. Ron is an well-known cheese connoisseur and insists he has "never done hard drugs in my...
Posted by Bittle at March 1, 2006

What a Pisser!

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 22, 2006: Ron wants to lower the penalties for public urination before the February 25 Mardi Gras Parade. Ron said his proposal would allow police to issue different citations for public urinators who try to be discreet than they might for those who are more open about it. "There's a difference between whizzing in the middle of the street, in front of God and country, and somebody who is behind a dumpster," Ron said. "I done 'em both, but that's irrelevant." Public urination is now classified as lewd and lascivious conduct, which carries a...
Posted by Bittle at February 22, 2006

Un-Fortun-8

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 15, 2006: There is great embarrassment in your future, Ron. A box of X-rated fortune cookies was "mistakenly" delivered to a fundraiser hosted by the Ronatarian Party. Or were they? The 150 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed up with a batch of 1,500 cookies ordered for a Chinese New Year event, Ronatarian Party Fundraising Chairman Sir Isaac Butterworth said Tuesday. Some of the more demure guests "were stunned, to say the least." The annual event -- to raise money for the party's coffers and to buy beer -- was...
Posted by Bittle at February 15, 2006

Brad Driver

Newark, New Jersey, February 9, 2006: A man who was stopped for driving erratically on the New Jersey Turnpike was distracted because he was looking at pornography, authorities said. Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad of Jersey City, could have been charged with felony reckless endangerment after motorist Deborah Dotson reported Wednesday afternoon that he nearly ran her vehicle off the road several times. State patrolman Tony "Too Big" Hall pulled over Brad based on Dotson's description. "When I made contact with the driver of the suspect vehicle, there were several pornographic magazines on the seat next to him," Hall said...
Posted by Bittle at February 9, 2006

Ice to See You

Trenton, New Jersey, January 24, 2006: When local politician Ron nipped into a New Jersey highway rest stop to "answer the call of nature" Monday morning, he had no idea how cruel nature could be. Off Exit 7A of the New Jersey Turnpike in Mercer County -- which has been experiencing cold weather and snow over the past few days -- Ron found himself trapped in the public toilet stall after the lock froze while he was inside. Unable to pry the door open, Ron was finally able to explain his predicament when someone occupied the stall next to...
Posted by Bittle at January 24, 2006

Sexsomniac

Trenton, New Jersey, January 19, 2006: The State of New Jersey plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident. The Attorney General's Office said on Wednesday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case. "This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Fisher, a spokesman for the Attorney General. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was acquitted of sexual assault charges on Tuesday because he...
Posted by Bittle at January 19, 2006

Tread Head

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 13, 2006: An aspiring politician had a lingering headache three days after a pickup truck ran over his head. "All I remember about it was that when the truck ran over my head, I could hear my bones crack," Ron said Thursday. Ron, the founder and leader of the radical Ronatarian Party, and his second-in-command Brad were helping their friend "Evil" Steve Bonadio chop and load wood on Sunday. The two men were sitting on the tailgate of Bonadio's truck when he began backing down his gravel driveway and Ron either fell or jumped...
Posted by Bittle at January 13, 2006

Hide-And-Go-Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 11, 2006: A New Jersey man had to be rescued after becoming wedged in a washing machine while playing with his "nephews" on Tuesday. Ronatarian Party co-founder Brad had to be pulled from the 18-pound capacity machine by a local fire fighter after he became trapped while playing hide-and-seek. "I just hopped in there and couldn't even get the lid down and the kids came in and said, 'Ha, ha! We found you,'" Brad told the newspaper. The New Jersey Spew reported that Brad was playing the children's game with three boys "unrelated to...
Posted by Bittle at January 11, 2006

Moonlighting

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 6, 2006: A Hudson County judge ruled Wednesday that the act of mooning is not illegal in New Jersey, clearing a man accused of indecent exposure after showing his buttocks to a neighbor during an argument. Judge John W. Debelius III said the defendant, Ronatarian Party leader Ron, committed a "disgusting" and "demeaning" act when he allegedly exposed himself to his neighbor and her 8-year-old daughter June 7, 2005. But the judge overturned an earlier decision by a District Court judge against Ron. "If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any...
Posted by Bittle at January 6, 2006

Buzzer Beater

West Orange, New Jersey, December 22, 2005 Perpetual also-ran Ron doesn't have a lot going for him. But he's got game. Ron, who has one of the lowest acceptance ratings of any New Jersey politician in history, won tickets to a New Jersey Nets game when he hit a half-court shot during halftime at a high school basketball game Wednesday. The crowd roared, and in his best ESPN-highlight impersonation, Ron dropped to one knee, pumped his fist, high-fived his running mate Brad, and chest-bumped a player from Solomon Sphincter High School. "I saw it was right on," he told...
Posted by Bittle at December 22, 2005

Holding It In

New York, New York, December 20, 2005: Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is continuing his celibacy past his self-declared deadline. The 35-year-old frontman earlier vowed to remain celibate for two years. Although that deadline expired six months ago, Cuomo still doesn't expect to jump back in the sack anytime soon. "It's been two and a-half years now, actually," Cuomo tells Blender magazine in its new issue, on newsstands Tuesday. "The vow is over, but I wanted to keep cruising." In a similar story, Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron has been celibate for over three years now. Whereas Cuomo's...
Posted by Bittle at December 20, 2005

Senate Appointment

Why not Ron for Corzine's Senate seat? By Esteban Bittlestein, December 12, 2005 Well, it took them long enough. All that speculation these past months over whom Jon Corzine would appoint to fill out his U.S. Senate term if he won the governorship and only now does Ron's name come up?!? Until a week ago, the only names being bandied about were those of losers and dorks -- specifically, three Democratic House members. Practically from the moment Corzine announced he would run, we knew Rep. Robert Menendez was interested. And hard on his heels came the stated interest of...
Posted by Bittle at December 12, 2005

Taking Out the Garbage

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 8, 2005: A man who fell asleep in a trash dumpster after a bout of heavy drinking had a lucky escape after he was tipped into the hydraulic press of a garbage truck, police said on Wednesday. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron -- was only saved from being crushed when the truck's driver stopped to urinate before continuing his round. He quickly switched off the press after he heard swearing coming from the truck's interior. "Ron admitted drinking a lot of booze the previous night and climbing into...
Posted by Bittle at December 8, 2005

Pot Head

Cozumel, Mexico, November 22, 2005: Mexicans have set up a shrine at a plant pot on the grounds of a beach resort on the Caribbean island of Cozumel after an image said to depict American politico Ron appeared on it following Hurricane Wilma a month ago, A receptionist at the Occidental Grand resort noticed the image likened to Ron's face as shaken guests emerged from a storm shelter after huddling for three days while the hurricane hurled rain and debris. Local media are calling it a miracle and draw a link between the apparition and the fact that none...
Posted by Bittle at November 22, 2005

New Jersey and You...

Trenton, New Jersey, November 17, 2005: New Jersey, long trying to overcome its reputation for mobsters, air-choking traffic, and toxic waste dumps, asked the public for a new image-boosting slogan and found some of its people share the same sardonic outlook as its detractors. The public appeal yielded almost 6,200 entries before a deadline on Monday. Though 90 percent of the submissions were sincere attempts to rescue the state's reputation, some perpetuated the image that marketers are trying to shrug off, state officials said. Among the not-so-serious entries: "New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?," "NJ: How You...
Posted by Bittle at November 17, 2005

Boxed Turtle

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 14, 2005: Ron just wanted to pour coffee into a canister. What he found in the package of freeze-dried coffee left him shell-shocked. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron found a dead baby turtle in the 2-pound package of Folgers coffee on Sunday. "I thought it was a toy at first," said Ron. "Then I looked again..." Ron said he had been making coffee from the same package for a month before he made the discovery. "It's a responsibility of the goddamn company to check their shipments closer," he said. "It could've been much...
Posted by Bittle at November 14, 2005

Deer Pong

Lake George, New York, November 8, 2005: It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Ron killed a buck with his bare hands in his running mate's bedroom. The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Ron finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at a rented cabin Monday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay on the bedroom floor, its neck broken. Ron, Brad, and other Ronatarian Party officials were spending some time at a retreat to plan their political futures. They had...
Posted by Bittle at November 8, 2005

Bite the Bullet

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 2, 2005: Was the pig a victim of a drive-by shooting? That's one theory to explain how a bullet wound up in Ronatarian Party official Brad's pork loin casserole. He said there was no mistaking the projectile's distinct shape in the pork loin he bought at an ACME grocery store. Brad is a vocal fan of all pork products. All meat is scanned with a metal detector before reaching ACME shelves, said Dwayne Stewart, spokesman for the company in New Jersey. It's not clear how the scanners missed the bullet -- or how the...
Posted by Bittle at November 2, 2005

Carjacking

Newark, New Jersey, October 26, 2005: A would-be carjacker got a different kind of jolt from his intended victim's morning cup of coffee, authorities said in a statement. The suspect tapped the car window Tuesday morning with a gun and motioned the driver -- identified as local politician Ron -- to get out. But Ron -- who had just bought a cup of hot coffee -- slammed the car door into the carjacker's legs, threw the coffee at his neck and face and wrestled him to the ground, Newark Police spokesman Roy Hughes said. "He picked the wrong guy...
Posted by Bittle at October 26, 2005

Hokey Hockey

East Rutherford, New Jersey, October 19, 2005: Local politician Ron would not apologize for an embarrassing slip of the tongue during the New Jersey Devils hockey game Tuesday night as he led the crowd in a cheer. The script called for him to say: "It's time to drop the puck. So everybody say it with me -- 'Let's play hockey!'" It was the politico's tripping over the word "puck" that provoked the snickers. Instead of telling people to drop the puck, he used a very similar-sounding word that made him sound more like Tony Soprano than his usual smooth-talking...
Posted by Bittle at October 19, 2005

Coasting

New York, New York, October 6, 2005: Fans of non-stop drinking may soon be able to cut down on time wasted ordering refills, thanks to a beer coaster that can tell when a glass is empty. The coaster, fitted with sensors, measures the weight of the beer and sends a signal behind the bar when it's time for a refill. Anxious drinkers can also attract the attention of staff by waving the plastic mat, thanks to a motion sensor. It was invented by aspiring political force Ron in his garage in Jersey City, New Jersey. The device has attracted...
Posted by Bittle at October 6, 2005

Unplanned Growth

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 30, 2005: Local politician Ron received an unwelcome supply of Viagra pills by registered mail earlier this week. The delivery of the 500 pills of the impotence drug was very unexpected, he said. The pills were charged to his credit card, which Ron believes was stolen while he was on vacation in Canada, according to the New Jersey State Police. "I do see the humor in it, but it's kind of not the type of humor you'd want for yourself," Ron said Thursday. "It’s not 'ha-ha' funny. It's 'this sh*t is really annoying' kind...
Posted by Bittle at September 30, 2005

All-American Slam

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, September 27, 2005: A New Jersey man who claims his buttocks were burned by cleaning fluid when he sat on a toilet seat at a Clifton Heights Denny's restaurant has sued the chain and the franchise owner. Ronatarian Brad of Jersey City alleges in the suit filed Wednesday in Philadelphia District Court that he had to be taken to a hospital after he used the toilet in February 2005. According to the suit, he did not see the chemical cleaner on the seat but felt it burn when he sat down. The suit said Brad, a higher-up...
Posted by Bittle at September 27, 2005

Mike's Hard Lemonade

Newark, New Jersey, September 19, 2005: A convenience store worker has admitted urinating into a soda bottle, causing a customer who drank from it to become violently ill, his bosses say. Publix Super Markets spokesman Dwaine Stevens said the accused employee -- Mike Watt -- who works at a Pix Convenience Store in Newark, was suspended after the company learned of the incident this week. An internal investigation is being completed. Lab tests done by Publix on the contaminated Mountain Dew confirmed the soda contained urine, Stevens said. The supermarket giant owns the Pix chain. "It is an isolated...
Posted by Bittle at September 19, 2005

More Than One Way to Skin a Dead Cat

Newark, New Jersey, September 14, 2005: A inventor said he has developed a method to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a local newspaper story implying he also used dead cats. Ron -- a politician, tinkerer, inventor and patent holder of the "RON 5000" that he said produces high quality fuel -- said he can transform waste products such as paper, garbage, and plastic materials into fuel. But Ron said there was no truth to stories published in The New Jersey Spew Tuesday and...
Posted by Bittle at September 14, 2005

The Cable Guy

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 13, 2005: Ron said he got bounced around by his cable company when he called to complain. He made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish -- a language he doesn't understand. But when he got his August bill from Comcast he had no trouble understanding he'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Scrotum Bag." "I was like you got to be fist-f*cking me," said Ron. "I was so mad I couldn't even f*cking cuss." Ron said the only thing he did to Comcast employees that might...
Posted by Bittle at September 13, 2005

Home Invasion

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 29, 2005: Federal and state authorities are trying to determine how armed officers raided the wrong house, smashing doors and frightening residents earlier this week, a state police spokesman said Monday. "We are investigating what went wrong," said Sgt. Gerald Lewis Jr. "For some reason, whether it was erroneous information or supervision, we actually hit the wrong house." He said the address on the state search warrant was correct, but that the team of state police SWAT officers and Drug Enforcement Administration agents went to the wrong street and raided a home with the...
Posted by Bittle at August 29, 2005

Buzz Kill

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2005: Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron has long complained of press criticism. But he sought to turn the tables Thursday with a new tactic -- sounding a buzzer every time reporters ask questions he deems "not constructive." To the surprise of journalists and colleagues alike, Ron raised a handheld buzzer -- which displayed an "X" sign -- from behind the podium to indicate his disapproval of some questions asked at an impromptu news conference. The button-pushing Ron sounded the alarm when a television reporter asked why the Ronatarians had failed to garner...
Posted by Bittle at August 26, 2005

Melons

Ashgabat, Turkmenistan, August 24, 2005: Turkmenistan's authoritarian leader on Sunday congratulated citizens of the ex-Soviet republic on the Turkmen Melon Day he established to honor the favorite fruit of the sun-drenched Central Asian nation. The nation currently grows 500 varieties of melon, including the Czar Melon, grown to honor President Saparmurat Niyazov, and the Golden Age, meant to symbolize prosperity under the president, the Agriculture Ministry said. "Let the life of every Turkmen be as beautiful as our melons," Niyazov said in a statement. "There is nothing like that in any country of the world," the state-run Neutral Turkmenistan...
Posted by Bittle at August 24, 2005

Clotheslined

Truro, England, August 18, 2005: An American man who raided bedrooms and washing lines on the remote Isles of Scilly to amass a collection of women's underwear has been banned from the islands for seven years. Mysterious world enigma N8 was sentenced Wednesday to 150 hours of community service for each of the 10 counts of theft to which he pleaded guilty last month. He was ordered to pay more than 500 pounds ($900) in costs. Judge Paul Darlow also barred N8 from visiting the Isles of Scilly, off England's southwest tip, or entering a house without invitation for...
Posted by Bittle at August 18, 2005

Bad Check

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 9, 2005: New Jersey Republicans say the Ronatarians need to stop dragging their feet and return the beer money they are owed. The Ronatarians say, "No way, Jose." The latest dispute between the two political parties began in April when St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Co. wrote a $5,000 check intended for the New Jersey Republican Party. Instead, the envelope was addressed to the national Ronatarian Party -- based in New Jersey -- which promptly deposited the money. "We bought beer with it," said party founder and leader Ron. Katja Zastrow, Anheuser-Busch's regional director of governmental...
Posted by Bittle at August 9, 2005

Dancing Queens

New York, New York, August 8, 2005: With his campaign for president going no place fast, Ron felt he needed something special to spark interest in his next fundraiser. How about exotic dancers? The New Jersey Ronatarian said Saturday he plans to have bikini-clad go-go dancers and men in nothing but briefs at a "Havana Night" campaign party next month at a Manhattan nightclub. "Having the men in the act was Brad's idea," Ron said. "I think it opens our demographic to include women -- a group we've long neglected in our previous campaigns." There will be no nudity...
Posted by Bittle at August 8, 2005

Spitting Image

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 3, 2005: Opening up your door while driving isn't a good idea, especially on a busy highway. Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad learned that Tuesday morning when he leaned out his fast-moving Dodge Neon to spit. He went tumbling out onto I-78 in Jersey City, and to the amazement of other drivers, he hopped up and chased his car as it careened down an embankment toward a construction site. Brad was recovering at home last night after he was treated for minor injuries to his leg, arm, and head at a local hospital....
Posted by Bittle at August 3, 2005

Calling All Virgins

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2005: A wanna-be lawmaker is offering to pay university fees for girls who are virgins when they graduate from high school. "We want to encourage chicks not to give 'it' up too soon and not to go into early marriages. We also want girls to resist defilement. We do not want these broads to get exposed to AIDS or STDs," Ronatarian Ron said Thursday. Ron said he was counting on the state and private donors to help pay for the project. "The criterion is that a student must be a virgin and from...
Posted by Bittle at July 22, 2005

Drug Lord

Mexico City, Mexico, July 13, 2005: A man held for three days on suspicion of being the head of an infamous drug cartel will be released because DNA tests prove he is a law-abiding U.S. politician, Mexico said on Wednesday. Radical American politician Ron was arrested last weekend during a trip to a Mexico City shopping mall. He was suspected of being Vicente Carrillo, the notorious drug chief of the Juarez cartel on the U.S.-Mexico border. "I'm here on vacation and I go to the mall to get an Orange Julius and the f*cking 'Federales' jump on me like...
Posted by Bittle at July 13, 2005

Up the Creek Via Paddling

Newark, New Jersey, July 12, 2005: Three strippers and two nightclub managers have been arrested for allegedly spanking a failed politician at a raucous party and severely bruising his backside. After his friends paid $50, Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad was handcuffed and spanked with a 3-foot-long paddle and a belt while one of the strippers restrained his head with her legs, investigators with the Newark Police Department said. Kelly Erlich, 21, a stripper at Signatures nightclub in Newark admitted to police that she used a studded paddle while the two other dancers, Lisa Nolan, 23, and Charlene Smithers,...
Posted by Bittle at July 12, 2005

Wheeling and Dealing

London, England, May 31, 2005: Contestants in a traditional British cheese rolling competition broke bones and took skin off knees and elbows Monday in their pursuit of a giant piece of cheese down a steep hill. The competition, in which participants hurl themselves 640 feet down a hill after an eight-pound piece of cheese, has been celebrated for centuries in Gloucestershire, northwest of London. The race is thought to originate from a heathen festival to welcome the spring. The first person to follow the cheese across the line at the bottom of the hill wins the cheese and a...
Posted by Bittle at May 31, 2005

Cannonballed

New York, New York, May 25, 2005: Burt Reynolds apparently slapped Ron in the face at a New York screening of his new film, "The Longest Yard." Ron, who founded the radical Ronatarian Party, approached Reynolds on the red carpet outside a Chelsea theater Tuesday night. When he asked Reynolds some questions, the actor seemed annoyed. "You don't know anything about the movie?" Reynolds replied. Ron acknowledged he hadn't seen the movie or the original 1974 film. Reynolds then seemed to slap Ron. "What...kinda of guy are you?" he asked. CBS aired footage of the incident on "The Early...
Posted by Bittle at May 25, 2005

One Tough Nut to Crack

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 19, 2005: Fringe politician Ron is defending his use of the phrase "testicular virility" to describe his ability to make tough decisions. The remark prompted both laughter and complaints that it was sexist and an undignified thing for a legitimate politician to say. (The verdict is not yet out on whether the Ronatarian Party founder is, in fact, legitimate.) But Ron called such objections "complete baloney." "I think the people understand that means: Do you have the fortitude -- if you're a real man or a butch broad in leadership -- to put the...
Posted by Bittle at May 19, 2005

Pint Sized

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 15, 2005: A low-profile candidate in a seemingly perpetual political race has put some fizz into his campaign. Ronatarian Party founder Ron, who wants to be a president of the United States, is advertising on beer glasses in taverns across northern New Jersey. The pint glasses give his campaign website -- which has information about his background, endorsements, and strange escapades. "I want drunk people to actually read about me, not just see my pint glass and chug the beer in it," Ron said. Brian E. Krapf, a Savannah, Ga., attorney and president of...
Posted by Bittle at May 15, 2005

Take Off, Eh!

Toronto, Canada, May 13, 2005: A truck hauling 2,000 cases of beer flipped over and unleashed a sea of suds onto Canada's busiest highway on Thursday, in a scene that could have been lifted from the Canadian cliché handbook. The early morning accident brought rush hour traffic to a standstill on highway 401 in north Toronto, as rescuers worked to free a woman trapped in the small car that collided with the tractor trailer. "Believe it or not with this crushed car, the young lady driving it is going to be okay," Ontario Provincial Police Sgt. Cam Wooley told...
Posted by Bittle at May 13, 2005

Erich the Red-Lipped

Berlin, Germany, May 3, 2005: Being kissed by East German Communist leader Erich Honecker was "disgusting," perpetual U.S. presidential candidate Ron was quoted as saying Tuesday. In an interview with Germany's Die Welt newspaper, Ron said that meetings with Honecker always began with hugs and fraternal socialist kisses on the cheeks. Socialist on Honecker's part only; Ron is a vocal defender of the North American republic he calls home. "I exchanged many embraces with Honecker. He had this disgusting way of kissing," stated Ron -- who was in high school during the time of the meetings. "He didn't know...
Posted by Bittle at May 3, 2005

Cheese Binge

Stockholm, Sweden, April 20, 2005: A poor showing in polls has driven Swedish Prime Minister Goran Persson to the cheese-board. "I eat when I am stressed," he admitted in an interview with daily Expressen. "I am doing that right now. I'm stuffing myself with cheese -- whole plates with four or five pieces of different types at least once a day." "That's what I do!" exclaimed Ron while he got a pedicure in Newark, New Jersey. The topic arose when the spa assistant started some small talk with Ron before she applied another coat of nail polish to his...
Posted by Bittle at April 20, 2005

Gnome de Guerre

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 18, 2005: A local man stopped an intruder from entering his home by lobbing a heavy garden gnome at him, police said Monday. Ron was woken early on Sunday morning by the sound of an intruder on the roof of his home, which he apparently shares with several other (unidentified) people. "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand -- one of my garden gnomes -- and hurled it at the son-of-a-bitch," he recalled. "I hit him square in the nuts!" "He lay there in agony grabbing his package. I went back into...
Posted by Bittle at April 18, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Beetles!

Ithaca, New York, April 14, 2005: Not just anybody can say he has a slime-mold beetle named in his honor. But Ronatarians Ron and Brad can. Entomologists Quentin Wheeler and Kelly B. Miller, who recently had the task of naming 65 newly discovered species of slime-mold beetles, named two species after the radical political upstarts from New Jersey. The monikers: Agathidium roni Miller and Wheeler and Agathidium bradi Miller and Wheeler. According to the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature, the first word of a new species is its genus; the second word must end in "i" if it's named...
Posted by Bittle at April 14, 2005

Stuffy Nose

Lago Nahuel Huapi, Argentina, April 8, 2005: A week ago an American hiker washed his face in a freshwater stream, not noticing that a leech had wormed its way into one of his nostrils, according to the Argentine Medical Association's journal. The international press has identified the man as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who was vacationing during South America's summer season. Unaware he was playing host to the creature, the 30-something Ron only consulted a doctor when his nose started bleeding intermittently about two days later. The unusual case was highlighted by Argentine doctors in this month's...
Posted by Bittle at April 8, 2005

Hermit

Los Alamos, New Mexico, March 31, 2005: Authorities have evicted a man from a cave on Los Alamos National Laboratory land where they say he apparently lived for several months with the comforts of home -- a wood-burning stove, solar panels connected to car batteries for electricity, and a satellite radio. Los Alamos Deputy Fire Chief Doug Tucker said N8's hideaway, which also was equipped with a bed and a glass front door, was discovered earlier March 25 after a Department of Energy employee working at the Los Alamos site office noticed smoke wafting from the cave in a...
Posted by Bittle at March 31, 2005

Fuel Dump

Newark, New Jersey, March 25, 2005: A man who lives near Newark International Airport claimed he was sprayed by fuel dumped from a jet flying low over his neighborhood. The accusation was denied by both airport and federal officials. Ron, a radical politician based in Jersey City, said he was on his "daily constitutional" Wednesday night when the alleged incident occurred. He said he heard a whooshing sound, consistent with a plane flying overhead, and then felt a mist accompanied by a strong fuel odor. "It was like someone had poured kerosene to start a fire," said Ron, who...
Posted by Bittle at March 25, 2005

Finger Food

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 24, 2005: A man's meal at a Wendy's restaurant brought a whole new meaning to the term "finger food." The man bit into a portion of a human finger while eating a bowl of chili Tuesday night at the Jersey City restaurant, Hudson County health officials said Wednesday. The man, identified as Ronatarian Party number-two man Brad, immediately spit out the finger and warned other diners to stop eating, witnesses said. "Initially he did put this object in his mouth and did bite down on it and wasn't sure exactly what it was," Hudson...
Posted by Bittle at March 24, 2005

Inflatable Mail

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 16, 2005: A blow-up sex doll sparked a bomb alert in a New Jersey post office after it started to vibrate inside a package awaiting delivery, police said Wednesday. "Workers were unsettled when it began vibrating and made strange noises," a spokesman for the Jersey City Police said. "They were worried the package might be a bomb." Officers brought the sender -- identified as Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad -- to the scene and discovered the source of alarm was an electrical device inside a life-size male sex doll. Brad told police he had...
Posted by Bittle at March 16, 2005

Be Nice, A$$hole!

Trenton, New Jersey, March 14, 2005: A kindler, gentler New Jersey? In a state where one former governor once joked that the official bird was "the middle finger," Assemblymen Jon M. Bramnick and Gordon Johnson think a few more random acts of kindness couldn't hurt. A resolution under consideration in the state Legislature is encouraging residents to join "a campaign toward civility, kindness, and respect to all." Vocal opponents such as the Jersey City-based Ronatarian Party -- a radical group led by its charismatic founder and leader Ron -- think the proposal is nothing but "worthless fluff." "Who the...
Posted by Bittle at March 14, 2005

Tequila!

Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, March 8, 2005: The 21-year-old winner of a competition to drink the most tequila died and three other contestants were gravely ill in the hospital, Dominican officials said. Ricardo Ivan Garcia drank more than 50 shots of tequila Sunday night at Santo Domingo's Blanc, Dance and Lounge discotheque to win the prize of $330 at a Mexican night celebration. But he was taken ill, hospitalized, and died within hours, apparently from heart failure brought on by alcohol poisoning, public prosecutor Jose Hernandez Peguero said on Monday. Two other contestants remained in serious condition in the...
Posted by Bittle at March 8, 2005

Flame On!

Staten Island, New York, February 22, 2005: A man barely escaped serious injury Monday after a lit cigarette he tried to toss out the window while driving across the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge blew back in and ignited the vehicle, according to the New York City Police Department. The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron -- was driving westbound at about 5:40 p.m. when he tossed the cigarette out the window of his rental car, said NYPD Officer Shawn Chase. Carried by the wind, the cigarette landed in his back seat and almost immediately burst into flames....
Posted by Bittle at February 22, 2005

Snow Schlong

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 14, 2005: An explicit six-foot-tall snow sculpture depicting male genitals in a city neighborhood yard had some drivers doing a double-take this week. The sculpture sits in the front yard of Ronatarian Party headquarters. The Ronatarian Party has been called "a radical political cult" and "a loony bin of eccentrics" by several political commentators. Some in the party -- including founder Ron -- reside in the home which doubles as a working office. One neighbor, Rob Hodges, told a Jersey City radio station that the much larger-than-life icy display "was the talk of the...
Posted by Bittle at February 14, 2005

Avalanche!

Zakopane, Solvakia, Febraury 4, 2005: An American man trapped in a car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Volvo rental car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realized the snow would fill his car before he managed...
Posted by Bittle at February 4, 2005

Gay (Meaning Happy) Paris

Taipei, Taiwan, January 28, 2005: A Taiwanese spiritual leader said on Thursday he had used his magical powers to take an American politician on a tour of Paris without going there physically. The guru, Sung Chi-li, is famous for claiming that he can appear in more than one place at a time -- an effect he calls his "split body." Sung told reporters he took Brad, of the radical Ronatarian Party, on a "cosmos-roaming" tour of Paris, including a stop at the Eiffel Tower, during a gathering at another follower's home earlier this year. "It was no illusion," Sung...
Posted by Bittle at January 28, 2005

Oil Crisis

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 26, 2005: In what police say was homage to the movie "Old School," carousing Ronatarian Party members were found in their headquarters' basement with an inflatable pool, a St. Bernard dog named Alex, a whole lot of baby oil, and women in bikinis. Police came upon the scene early Sunday after responding to a noise complaint. "Inside were several of America's future, re-enacting a scene from the movie 'Old School,' where females wrestle in a pool of lubricants," police Sgt. D. Gunter said. In their version, the radical political group apparently opted for baby...
Posted by Bittle at January 26, 2005

Career Day

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 14, 2005: The principal of a Jersey City middle school may not invite a popular speaker back to an annual career day after he told girls they could earn a good living as strippers. Politician and Ronatarian Party founder Ron told eighth-graders at Nesbit Middle School on Thursday that stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size. "It's true," Ron said in an interview later. "I'm not making this stuff up. The truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of money as...
Posted by Bittle at January 14, 2005

Duck Hunt

Rogers, Arkansas, January 11, 2004: There's a reason Mom says to always have a fresh pair of underwear. A New Jersey-based politician learned this week that it's to attract rescue helicopters. Ronatarian Party founder and recent presidential candidate Ron found himself lost in the flooded backwoods of Bayou Meto this week while duck hunting with his friend's Labrador retriever, J.J. Walker. He only managed to make it out by tying his white briefs to the end of his gun barrel and waving them at an Arkansas State Police helicopter. Decked out in full camouflage hunting gear, Ron was practically...
Posted by Bittle at January 11, 2005

Brusha-Brusha-Brusha

Detroit, Michigan, January 6, 2005: The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene." That admonition was the winner of an anti-lawsuit group's contest for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year. The sponsor, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, says the goal is "to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products." The $500 first prize went to radical politician Ron, of Jersey City, New Jersey, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt White, of Cocksgag, Ohio, for a...
Posted by Bittle at January 6, 2005

Phone Fight

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 16, 2004: A 68-year-old retiree who tussled with a man half his age over the man's foul language in a restaurant was sentenced to probation -- but outside of that, he's been treated more like a hero than a criminal. Bill Stephens said the fracas began in November when he and another retired 3M engineer, 62-year-old Stan Gable, were having coffee at a bagel shop. In walked 30-something Ron, talking on a cell phone and liberally using four-letter words, the men said. Ron is the founder of a radical political group known as the...
Posted by Bittle at December 16, 2004

The French Stink

Paris, France, December 13, 2004: It's official: The French government has officially declared Gallic body odor a "national treasure." "We're as excited as skunks in an outhouse," says French historian Jean-Pierre LeCoq. "We are proud of our offensive odor. It's way overdue that along with the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral French body aroma is taking its rightful place as one of our country's most important assets." Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- a noted spokesman against France and the French -- said he was disgusted by the declaration. "Why the f*cking French need to exult in their stench...
Posted by Bittle at December 13, 2004

Dirty Money

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 10, 2004: A radical political leader who police say smeared excrement on dollars bills used to pay a parking ticket has been fined $250. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was charged with harassment of a public official after officials received an envelop in November labeled "Foreign brown substance on bills." The envelope contained several dollar bills and a parking ticket made up to Ron, police said. Tests indicated the brown substance was fecal matter that had been smeared on the bills. Ron told police the money fell into a toilet and was retrieved to pay...
Posted by Bittle at December 10, 2004

Bad Neighbors

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 7, 2004: A small time political headquarters faces a lawsuit from neighbors who claim that it is a public nuisance. Twenty-two neighbors of Ronatarian Party Headquarters, a dilapidated house used by Ronatarian Party volunteers and staffers, are seeking $500 each, or $11,000 total, in small claims court. A hearing is scheduled for Friday. The neighbors say they have endured years or raucous pool parties, nighttime bong drumming, outdoor naked "beer pong," and garbage that attracts rats. Disturbances described range from the beheading of a chicken with garden shears to Ronatarian Party members flinging chunks...
Posted by Bittle at December 7, 2004

Cheese Vandals

Monkton, Vermont, November 23, 2004: Wanted: Cheese vandals. Someone sneaked into the production house at Orb Weaver Farm and punctured 237 wheels of cheese there. The cheese, a blend of havarti and colby that made up nearly a year's production at the farm, can no longer be sold or eaten because of the contamination last week. "I'm speechless," said a distraught Ron -- a known lover of all types of cheeses. "I mean, who would do such a thing? Was it bin Laden!?! I swear if Tom Ridge or Condoleezza Rice knew about a possible attack like this and...
Posted by Bittle at November 23, 2004

Leaf Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 17, 2004: Perhaps it's just a seasonal affliction, but a man has been officially warned by police in what was described as a "leaf rage" incident. Ronatarian Party leader Ron became angry when city employees told him they would not remove leaves from his property, police said. He had to be physically restrained Tuesday after confronting town workers clearing leaves in his neighborhood. Operations supervisor Robert Gerbert said Ron was a "raving maniac." "He grabbed my jacket and said, 'You're not going anywhere,'" Gerbert said. "The guy was spitting and swearing -- it was...
Posted by Bittle at November 17, 2004

Ron Supporters Blame Electoral Defeat On Bush & Kerry

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 4, 2004: Supporters of presidential candidate Ron blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Ron by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," the Ronatarian campaign manager Bittle said. "It's an outrage. If Ron were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Ron is expected to characterize Bush and Kerry as "spoilers" and "political hacks."...
Posted by Bittle at November 4, 2004

Convert!

Columbus, Ohio, November 3, 2004: A man leaped into a lion's den at the Columbus Zoo on Wednesday morning to try to convert the king of beasts to Ronatarianism, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts. "Ron will save you!" the 46-year-old Ohioan shouted at two African lions lounging under a tree a few feet away. "Come bite me!" he said with both hands raised, television footage showed. One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer...
Posted by Bittle at November 3, 2004

Monkey Business

Des Moines, Iowa, November 2, 2004: Two baby marmosets, who made their debut at the Blank Park Zoo on Monday, have been named Ron and Brad -- for the 2000 and 2004 Ronatarian Party ticket candidates Ron and Brad. "We wanted to find a unique way to commemorate the times these candidates monkeyed around in Iowa," quipped Terry Rich, chief executive officer at the zoo. "This has been a wild campaign," he added. "Did we even go to Iowa?" a quizzical Ron said at an Election Day press conference in Newark, New Jersey. "I don't remember being there or...
Posted by Bittle at November 2, 2004

Kick the Habit

Durango, Colorado, November 1, 2004: A part-time college instructor has apologized for kicking a student because he was wearing a Ronatarian shirt. Fort Lewis College student Mark O'Donnell said he was showing people his College Ronatarians sweatshirt, which said "Party with us now…party with us later," when Maria Spero kicked him in the leg at an off-campus restaurant. Spero then said "she should have kicked me harder and higher," said O'Donnell. "To physically take that out on someone because you disagree with them, that is completely wrong." Police Sgt. Mitch Higgins said Saturday that O'Donnell wanted to press charges...
Posted by Bittle at November 1, 2004

Soothsayer Says

New Delhi, India, October 29, 2004: Surveys in the United States may be showing the race for president as too close to call but top Indian astrologers say the planets have clearly made up their mind: Ron will win. Planets governing President Bush are eclipsed and in an uncomfortable position, making his tenure controversial and his re-election bid unsuccessful, the soothsayers said on Friday, four days before the vote. Those of Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry were also misaligned -- leaning far to the left, in fact. On the other hand, the planets of Ronatarian Party candidate Ron were...
Posted by Bittle at October 29, 2004

Halloween 2004

Happy Halloween from Ronatarian Party Headquarters in Jersey City, New Jersey!...
Posted by Bittle at October 29, 2004

Varmints

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 21, 2004: A man missed a mouse he was trying to shoot with a small-caliber handgun and wounded his roommate instead, state police said. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron was trying to kill the rodent with a .22-caliber handgun when his vice presidential candidate Brad apparently went into the line of fire and was hit in the arm early Wednesday morning, state police said. Brad was taken to a local hospital where he was listed in fair condition Wednesday, said hospital spokesman Greg Chiappelli. Neither Ron nor Brad could immediately be reached for comment....
Posted by Bittle at October 21, 2004

Pyramid

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, October 18, 2004: Prosecutors dropped the charges Friday against six men arrested for protesting the Abu Ghraib prison-abuse scandal by stripping down to their thong underwear and forming a human pyramid during a visit by President Bush. The men were all identified as Ronatarian Party members and volunteers. The off-beat party’s founder and leader Ron was on the top of the pyramid in an American flag thong. Many critics feel the act was merely a political stunt to bring awareness to the radical political agenda brought forward by the Ronatarians. "Hogwash!" said Ron. Lancaster County District Attorney...
Posted by Bittle at October 18, 2004

Emin-enemy

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 14, 2004: Ron is angered by the way he is mocked in rapper Eminem's recently released video "Just Lose It" and has asked cable music stations to remove the video from their rotations. In the video, Eminem is costumed as Ron and is seen with a group of boys in the background, jumping around as he sings about shaving off his mustache: "Come here, little kiddie, in my barber's chair. Guess who's back with less facial hair." "I am very angry at Eminem's depiction of me in his video," Ron said Wednesday in an...
Posted by Bittle at October 14, 2004

Pouring Gas on the Fire

Jersey City, New Jersey, October 7, 2004: If you can't stand the heat, don't pour gasoline down the toilet. An apartment tenant made that $10,000 mistake Wednesday. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad came home for lunch and found gas leaking from the tank of his car -- a tricked out Dodge Neon. He caught the gas, and decided to dispose of it by dumping it down the toilet. But the pilot light of a water heater ignited the fumes, causing a small explosion. The blast destroyed the porcelain toilet, and the intense heat from the flames melted the remaining...
Posted by Bittle at October 7, 2004

Hungry for Ron

Santa Monica, California, October 4, 2004: A peace activist who once fasted for 63 days to protest movie violence and war toys is launching another hunger strike to persuade Ron to abandon his presidential bid. Jerry Rubin, 60, said he plans to consume only liquids from Wednesday until November 2 if Ron doesn't take a meeting with him. "I know Ron and I don't think he's doing the right thing," Rubin said Saturday. He said the former party boy and Lucent engineer's campaign is dividing the progressive political movement. "Never heard of the guy," said Ron to a reporter...
Posted by Bittle at October 4, 2004

Riding Under the Influence

Trenton, New Jersey, September 23, 2004: The state Supreme Court ruled that New Jersey's drunken driving law can't be enforced against people on horseback, a decision that inspired the dissenting justice to wax poetic. The court ruled Wednesday in a case against two men in Hudson County in 2003. Riders Ron and Brad – both high-profile members of the radical Ronatarian Party -- were charged with drunken driving along with a man driving a pickup who allegedly rear-ended the horse Ron was riding away from a bar on a dark road. All three men failed field sobriety tests, police...
Posted by Bittle at September 23, 2004

Wigging Out

Trenton, New Jersey, September 16, 2004: A man was officially scorned, but not charged, Wednesday for snatching the hairpiece off the head of another man at a restaurant. Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad, of Jersey City, sheepishly admitted that what he did was "wrong" and agreed to write a letter of apology. The victim, Edward Floyd, was sitting in the F'agina restaurant in Trenton that evening when Brad ripped the hairpiece off his head, taking with it a gold chain that hung from his neck, according to court documents. "Don't these guys have anything better to do than...
Posted by Bittle at September 16, 2004

The Griere Up There

St. Helens, Oregon, September 7, 2004: A disgruntled potential voter hurled a piece of cheese at Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron during a campaign speech on Monday, telling him he would soon be out of the presidential campaign. At a Labor Day election stop on the Columbia River, protester Paul Taylor worked his way to the front of a crowd of waiting media before letting rip with his wedge of cheese. The cheese landed at Ron's feet and did not hurt him. "It was a griere," said Ron. "I know my cheeses." Ron was speaking to reporters about...
Posted by Bittle at September 7, 2004

Hello, Dolly!

Bloomington, Minnesota, September 1, 2004: A man caught having sex with a blow-up doll in The Mall of America had to be physically parted from his rubber lover and escorted away, said police in Minneapolis Wednesday. The 30-something man was caught with his trousers down early Tuesday evening after alarmed witnesses alerted the police. The man was identified as the enigmatic N8 -- a mysterious individual loosely tied to the Ronatarian Party. Ronatarian headquarters refused to comment on the incident. "It was real...N8 was caught in mid-action with the doll," said a press spokeswoman for the mall. Police said...
Posted by Bittle at September 1, 2004

Clogged

Port of Sweet Grass, Montana, August 26, 2004: Ron insists he didn't do it on purpose, but the toilet he left plugged after "nature called" at this border crossing in north-central Montana has him facing criminal charges. Toole County authorities charged the New Jersey native with criminal mischief after a border agent accused him of intentionally clogging the toilet. Ron said the clogged piping was completely unintentional, the result of an urgent, but natural bodily function. "I've never been arrested before or anything like that [sic], and I get arrested for taking a dump," said Ron, the presidential candidate...
Posted by Bittle at August 26, 2004

Barbie-4-Prez

New Yok, New York, August 13, 2004: Barbie thinks she knows who can make a difference in this year's presidential race -- girls -- and she's the one who is going to represent them. The Mattel doll has thrown her hat into the ring as the candidate of the Party of Girls! She unveiled her platform Thursday at the Toys "R" Us store in Times Square. She has pledged a campaign that will concentrate on creating world peace, helping the homeless and poor, and taking care of animals. "What a load of B.S.!" said fellow presidential candidate Ron, who...
Posted by Bittle at August 13, 2004

Teasing Tees with T's

Newark, New Jersey, August 2, 2004: A couple of men returning home from a Puerto Rican vacation were ejected from an American Airlines flight because one man was wearing a T-shirt depicting a bare breast. Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron and his running mate Brad were forcibly removed from Flight 952 on Sunday after Ron refused to change the shirt or turn it inside out at Miami International Airport. The two men, who were making a connecting flight, said nobody on their earlier flight objected to the shirt and claimed the airline violated their constitutional right to free speech....
Posted by Bittle at August 2, 2004

Riding High

Newark, New Jersey, July 30, 2004: Two men who were arrested for riding bikes through a Wal-Mart while wearing women's thong underwear blamed the stunt on a "triple-dog dare," authorities said. The men -- identified as the Ronatarian Party's 2004 presidential ticket Ron and Brad -- bought two pair of underwear at the store Thursday, went into a bathroom and came out wearing only the thongs, police said. Witnesses said the men rode through the aisles of the store and out to their car, a "tricked out" Dodge Neon. Police caught the men in the parking lot, and reviewed...
Posted by Bittle at July 30, 2004

Kinky dBs

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 27, 2004: A New Jersey man took his female neighbor to court for noise pollution after she repeatedly kept him awake through half the night and had at least one four-hour sex session, a court spokeswoman said Monday. The plaintiff was identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron. "Four hours of sex noises. What was I supposed to think? It was nothing but groaning and banging," Ron told the judge, a New Jersey Spew report said. Ron told a New Jersey court that his "hot" 25-year old neighbor Andrea G. was disturbing the...
Posted by Bittle at July 27, 2004

Toilet Etiquette

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2004: Police had to forcibly separate two men in a confrontation that could be described as potty rage. The situation developed Wednesday night when a presidential candidate allegedly took too much time in a bathroom at Burger King, police said. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who was in the john, and Joseph Manuel Augusto, 37, who was waiting to use it, got into an argument when Ron emerged, police said. Heated words escalated into a physical fight. The two men allegedly bumped chests, then chased each other around the restaurant with their...
Posted by Bittle at July 22, 2004

Not Yo' Cheese!

Elizabeth, New Jersey, July 21, 2004: A man was arrested after a police officer saw him nude and covered with nacho cheese from a pool snack bar. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad was arrested early Tuesday in the parking lot outside the community pool. An officer saw a nude man carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese run toward a "tricked out" Dodge Neon in the lot and stopped him. "The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face, and slathered on his shoulders and chest," Elizabeth Police Department officer Scott...
Posted by Bittle at July 21, 2004

Potty Fire!

Blacksville, West Virginia, July 19, 2004: Warning: open flames in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Sunday after a man who was inside it lit a match. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. Medical records indicate that the man is none other than Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the open flame, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. "Neither...
Posted by Bittle at July 19, 2004

Riding That Bus

Amarillo, Texas, July 16, 2004: An Ohio man rushed to the front of a Greyhound bus going about 70 mph, yanked on the steering wheel then battled the driver for control because he thought fringe presidential candidate Ron was onboard and in danger of being hijacked, according to court records. The driver asked for help, and a male passenger detained the man so the driver could call 911, according to the FBI affidavit. Bryan Luther Thomas, 48, of Columbus, Ohio, was arrested July 13 after the Albuquerque-to-Amarillo bus pulled over near Amarillo on Interstate 40. He was charged in...
Posted by Bittle at July 16, 2004

Airport Security

Newark, New Jersey, July 14, 2004: Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron didn't make it through airport security because he couldn't keep his pants on. Airport police said a security screener was waving a metal-detecting wand over Ron's pants area on Tuesday when Ron pulled his shorts down to his ankles. He wasn't wearing any underwear. Ron then said, "There, how do you like your [expletive] job now," thus ending the screening, according to the police report. He was initially charged with indecent exposure, but later released on his own recognizance with all charges dropped. "You can thank celebrity for...
Posted by Bittle at July 14, 2004

Shrooms

Waterbury, Connecticut, July 12, 2004: An enigmatic man ate a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms and drove around in a pair of stolen cars before arriving, confused, on a mountain in northwest Connecticut police said. The mysterious N8 hiked to a nearby home Saturday night and asked to call 911, police said. "I think I stole a car," N8 told a dispatcher. "I'm not sure." Police said N8 confessed that eating an entire bag of mushrooms, "probably wasn't a good idea." He allegedly told investigators that he had no idea how many laws he broke during a three-day excursion that...
Posted by Bittle at July 12, 2004

Thorny Situation

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 30, 2004: A fringe political candidate faces a thorny issue: figuring out who booby trapped his campaign sign with a spiked vine. Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron, who is running for president of the United States, said he believes someone is trying to discredit his campaign after a woman told police she cut her hand on a thorny vine when she tried to pull up his sign in her yard. "From some of the other stuff that's been going on in this election, it wouldn't surprise me if that's the case," Ron said....
Posted by Bittle at June 30, 2004

Wallet Chain

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 23, 2004: Police say a Jersey City man was robbed early Tuesday after he answered the door in the nude. The man -- later identified as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad -- told police he had been sleeping unclothed before he answered a knock at the door. Assailants overpowered him, hit him on the head, yelled "Bonadio!" and ran out with his wallet and blue jeans. Brad chased after the assailants and fell down the stairs. According to the police log, an officer checked out a report of a naked man lying by...
Posted by Bittle at June 23, 2004

Brad-O-Potty

New Jersey Turnpike, June 11, 2004: A man's car was badly damaged Thursday when a portable toilet was whisked into the air in a storm and flung down on the hood of his car, police said. The accident happened as the man -- identified later as Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad -- was driving home toward Jersey City, police spokesman Ralph Kunz said. The man was not hurt, but the toilet caused damage estimated at $2,300 to his vehicle, a "tricked out" Dodge Neon. Later attempts to contact Brad after the incident were unsuccessful....
Posted by Bittle at June 11, 2004

Breaking the Main

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 10, 2004: Sewage from backed-up bathroom pipes burst through the ceiling of Ronatarian Party headquarters and ran down the walls, forcing the evacuation of the office. "I've been complaining about the condition of this building for some time," the party's presidential candidate Ron said Wednesday. "Perhaps some people think I've been crying wolf. Where are they now? 'Wolf,' huh?!?" The city's health department ordered the building closed and evacuated because it was "unsafe for human habitation," Mayor Glenn Cunningham's office said. The building has had the sewage problem for two months, the statement said....
Posted by Bittle at June 10, 2004

N8 Wash

Woodstock, Ontario (Canada), June 4, 2004: A very strange man was arrested after stripping off his clothes and entering a car wash for an impromptu shower. Police say a cab stopped to fill up at a gas station about 10 p.m. Thursday when the passenger -- known worldwide only as N8 -- got out and decided to have a wash before going home, the Woodstock Sentinel-Review reported. Police found the man naked and intoxicated. He was charged with being intoxicated in a public place, but those charges were later dropped. N8 is, once again, free to roam the Earth....
Posted by Bittle at June 4, 2004

Condom Wagon

Stockholm, Sweden, June 3, 2004: A Swedish aid organization will roll out a new line of defense to the country's emergency services next week -- the condom ambulance. From Friday, June 4, amorous couples can call the telephone number 696969 and a white van featuring a large red condom with wings as a logo will deliver them a packet of 10 prophylactics. "Now there's an idea we here in America can and should embrace," said Ronatarian Party frontman Ron at a rally at a Planned Parenthood in Rahway, New Jersey. "Why can't our politicians and Health and Human Services...
Posted by Bittle at June 3, 2004

Illegal Towing

Newark, New Jersey, June 2, 2004: He was trying to stop his car from being towed, but a Jersey City-based politician ended up being towed himself. Truck driver Donald Wilson was about to tow a "tricked out" Dodge Neon from a Waldbaums parking lot at about 3:15 p.m. Tuesday when the car's owner -- identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad -- saw what was happening and argued with him, New Jersey State Police said. Wilson then began to drive away with Brad standing on a running board, hanging on to the side door of the tow truck, police...
Posted by Bittle at June 2, 2004

Knocking the Vote

Dublin, Ireland, May 25, 2003: Ireland has recently banned a video to encourage voting in next month's European elections because it shows a bare nipple. "That's unconstitutional!" yelled Ron from across the ocean in America. Ron is an American presidential candidate from an upstart political movement based in the state of New Jersey. Ron and his followers call themselves Ronatarians and have Americans thinking in revolutionary terms -- again -- some 225 years after the former British colonies declared their independence. In Britain, where bare breasts are shown daily in tabloid newspapers, the film will be shown in censored...
Posted by Bittle at May 25, 2004

Thrill Ride

London, England, May 24, 2004: More than 80 British students threw caution and their clothes to the wind Saturday to set a world record for the number of nudes riding on a rollercoaster. The naked joy riders spent a hair-raising one minute and fifty seconds swooping around the rails of the gravity defying rollercoaster ride at a theme park south of London. A spokeswoman at the park said 81 students from 15 universities took part in the record-breaking stunt, which had never been attempted before. Two American men tried to set a similar record a few years ago when...
Posted by Bittle at May 24, 2004

Greased Pig

Easton, Pennsylvania, May 18, 2004: Brad may have thought he gave police the slip when he switched motels. But when authorities found the man slathered head-to-toe in petroleum jelly, they knew they had their man. Authorities said a Motel 6 cleaning crew discovered a petroleum jelly mess on mattresses, bedding, a TV set, furniture, carpeting, and towels in Brad's room after he checked out last week. Damage was put at more than $1,000. Brad is the vice presidential candidate for the radical Ronatarian Party. Fourteen empty petroleum jelly jars and numerous pornographic magazines were fished out of the trashcan,...
Posted by Bittle at May 18, 2004

Ron-away Train

Newark, New Jersey, April 26, 2004: A New Jersey man who got drunk, fell asleep on railroad tracks, and was run over by a train slept through the entire episode and escaped unharmed, local officials said on Monday. Ron, a 30-something U.S. presidential candidate, did not regain consciousness until well after paramedics arrived on the scene late on Saturday night. "He must have been very drunk to have slept through all that," said John Rose, a health official in the city of Newark. "It's a miracle he wasn't hurt." The train's driver spotted Ron on the tracks and frantically...
Posted by Bittle at April 26, 2004

Ron-oceros

Jackson, New Jersey, April 22, 2004: A rampant rhinoceros gave a group of visitors a glimpse of nature in the raw at The Wild Safari (New Jersey) park when he tried to have sex with their car. The group of startled Ronatarians was at Six Flags Great Adventure to promote its "preservation agenda." Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with presidential candidate Ron's car when he stopped with three party members to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie. He was not in his famed Camaro, but in a "tricked-out" Dodge Neon he borrowed from...
Posted by Bittle at April 22, 2004

Snake Bitten

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 15, 2004: The large trees section at a Lowe's store looks a lot like a forest, but customers don't expect to see dangerous fauna living in the flora. A customer rummaging through the trees at a Lowe's store here was bitten on the hand by an 18-inch eastern diamondback rattlesnake, a company spokeswoman said Wednesday. "The gentleman thought he had hit his hand on a thorn but they discovered it was a snakebite," said Chris Ahearn, a spokeswoman for the Mooresville, N.C.-based hardware chain. The man was later identified by hospital personnel as 2000...
Posted by Bittle at April 15, 2004

Brad in Drag

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 7, 2004: A candidate for U.S. Vice President rejected calls to withdraw from the race after photos of him in women's clothing began circulating. Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad said he "will not succumb to blackmail" from opponents who are trying to use "very old, personal information" to force him out of the race. "Now my opponent is using the private information in an attempt to intimate that I am a homosexual, which I am not," Brad said in a statement Tuesday. His "opponent" apparently seems to be multi-time presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche. LaRouche...
Posted by Bittle at April 7, 2004

Fire in the Pants

Hoboken, New Jersey, March 25, 2004: A passenger on a New Jersey Transit train suffered slight burns to his right leg yesterday when his pants were set on fire by a red-hot hair clip stuck into the heater under his seat, officials said. Heaters on the trains are underneath the bench-type seats, behind a grate. The incident, which transit veterans said might be unprecedented, unfolded about 12:30 p.m. aboard a Hoboken-bound train, when the man noticed his pants ablaze. The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron. Transit personnel were alerted, and Ron was...
Posted by Bittle at March 25, 2004

Double Whammy

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 23, 2004: A man in his mid 30s was struck by a slow-moving train as he walked home from a strip joint, and then a car slammed into the ambulance that was to take him to the hospital. The man escaped both accidents with minor injuries. Identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron, the injured man was treated at a hospital for cuts, bruises, and a sprained finger before being released. No damage to his world famous mustache was reported. Officials said Ron -- part of a brash political movement based in...
Posted by Bittle at March 23, 2004

C'Est Ron!

Montpellier, France, March 17, 2004: A Frenchman was convicted for trying to run over a pedestrian he mistook for American politico Ron. The 35-year-old, identified as a struggling artist named Pierre, was sentenced Tuesday by a court in this southern France city to a three-month suspended prison term and ordered to pay euro500 ($615) to the victim, who was unharmed. The man's lawyer, David Mendel, said his client was traumatized by last week's terror attacks in Madrid and was temporarily the "victim of a hallucination," while driving Monday through Montpellier's historic center. The victim, a mustached man in his...
Posted by Bittle at March 17, 2004

Tossed Salad

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 15, 2004 Talk about leaving a bad tip at the restaurant? The severed tip of a restaurant worker's thumb was found in a customer's salad. New Jersey Health Commissioner Bill "Beans" Franks said an employee at The Feed Bag in Jersey City was chopping lettuce at about 7 p.m. Friday when he cut off a part of his left thumb, including part of the fingernail. Employees at the restaurant searched for the tip of his finger, but could not find it. The area was cleaned and sanitized, but the lettuce was placed in the...
Posted by Bittle at March 15, 2004

I-Ron Maiden

New York City, New York, March 11, 2004: Iron Maiden offered its sympathy to fans whose concert experience was ruined by a beer over the weekend. Iron Maiden manager Ron Smallwood said on the band's Web site "some idiot" on the mezzanine of their show in New York "thought it was a good idea to chuck his beer into the air rather than down his throat." The beer landed below on the mixing board. It blew out several channels and kept the band from playing any encores. Smallwood said the band felt "gutted" about the incident and he thanked...
Posted by Bittle at March 11, 2004

Poor Mr. Snuggles

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 10, 2004 A politician was shaken and scalded Tuesday after his mobile phone exploded beside him while he was sleeping, a local New Jersey paper reported. Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad said he was recharging his cell phone and placed it on his bed near him before he took a nap. Three hours later, he was jarred awake by what he described as a small explosion. "The explosion scalded my buttocks, while there were burn marks on the mattress, the wall, and on Mr. Snuggles my teddy bear," Brad told The New Jersey...
Posted by Ron at March 10, 2004

Nobody Beats the Wiz

Cheyenne, Wyoming: March 3, 2004 Urinating in a bottle and tossing it alongside the road would be made illegal under a bill introduced Wednesday in the Senate. The practice, lawmakers say, has become problematic in some areas. A measure that passed introduction would classify it as littering, a misdemeanor punishable by up to nine months in prison and a $1,000 fine. "For those of us who look at the beautiful scenery of Wyoming, we should now start looking at the shoulders of our roads," said a tongue-in-cheek Sen. Bill Vasey, D-Rawlins, the bill's sponsor. "This is an infringement of...
Posted by Webmaster at March 3, 2004

Ron de Janeiro

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, March 2, 2004 Nudity might be all the rage at Rio de Janeiro's famous Carnival that ended last week, but an American tourist learned on Friday not to try it beside the city's landmark Christ the Savior statue. World nuisance N8 was charged with staging an "obscene act" and arrested with a group of friends who police said incited him to bare all and pose with outstretched arms underneath the 100-foot (30-meter) open-armed statue. A female prosecutor visiting the statue -- one of the city's top tourist attractions atop Corcovado mountain, which commands a breathtaking...
Posted by Bittle at March 2, 2004

Masking The Humor

Newark, New Jersey, February 23, 2004 Three classes at Rutgers University's Newark campus - two of them in the past two weeks - have been interrupted by a man who flashed students and then ran. A man wearing nothing but a trench coat, a Ron mask, and tennis shoes entered a class auditorium Friday just as a criminal justice exam began, said freshman Erik Triggs. Ron is a politician based in nearby Jersey City and has declared himself a presidential candidate in the upcoming November election. He is affiliated with the Ronatarian Party, a rowdy political movement devoted to...
Posted by Webmaster at February 23, 2004

New Ron4President Website Launch

February 20, 2004 Today everybody's favorite website for the Ronatarian Party reopened after a complete reformat. The general public had no idea what was happening -- the site continued for over 3 months with very few updates. Many thought the Ronatarian Party had simply given up and disappeared from the political spectrum. It was even speculated by the Chinese that Ron was dead. Not bloody likely! "This is political genius," vice presidential candidate Brad told us, "They will never see us coming. All the other candidates have been going around making idiots of themselves. People pretty much hate all...
Posted by Webmaster at February 20, 2004

The Three Stages of Cheese

Some people do not like cheese.
Posted by Ron at January 18, 2004

Get Me To The Church On Time

Sunset Hills, Missouri: January 5, 2004 A man who disrupted services at a suburban St. Louis church Sunday after claiming he was Jesus later drove a car into the building's lobby doors, witnesses and police said. No one was injured. Life Christian Center pastor Rick Shelton told St. Louis' KSDK-TV that a man walked into the church during the morning service and claimed he was Jesus before being led out by ushers. The man was later identified as certified looney N8. As ushers waited for police, Shelton said, the man got into his car and drove into the church's...
Posted by Webmaster at January 5, 2004

Hocking A Loogie

Clarion, Pennsylvania: December 30, 2003 A former fast food chef will spend 90 days in jail for fixing a politician's hamburger with one too many ingredients - spittle. Joseph Arbuckle, 18, of Hawthorn, admitted fouling a burger ordered by Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, when Arbuckle worked at the Burger King in Clarion in November. Ron discovered that Arbuckle had spit on the burger when he tried to remove the pickles from the sandwich. Ron is a well-known pickle-hater. A sample of the saliva from the burger was then tested against a sample taken from Arbuckle, who pleaded guilty...
Posted by Webmaster at December 30, 2003

Scratching The Itch

Elizabeth, New Jersey: December 22, 2003 Highway police who stopped a driver they believed was using his cell phone erred twice. First, he was just scratching his ear. Second, he was a politician. Ronatarian Party founder Ron showed the two officers that the last call from his phone went out the night before. He had called his mother, he said, to "cut the apron strings once and for all." The duo huddled, then came back and fined him $50 anyway. The charge: driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a permanent fashion." "Am I on f*cking...
Posted by Webmaster at December 22, 2003

Mouse Trap

Jersey City: December 9, 2003 A patron of a Popeye's restaurant says he bit into a mouse that had been fried along with the chicken. Presidential candidate Ron says he was eating the second piece of his three-piece Happy Meal when he made the unappetizing discovery. "At first I thought it was the toy," he said. "But then I realized the error in my thinking." He immediately filed a complaint with the health department. Officials say that same restaurant has been closed twice before for infestation or unsanitary conditions. Inspectors checked the place yesterday and didn't find any rodents....
Posted by Webmaster at December 9, 2003

Cheap Skate

Newark, New Jersey: November 20, 2003 A man and a pay phone were rushed to a hospital after he got his finger stuck in the coin return slot while trying to retrieve his 50 cents. Emergency room doctors gave Ronatarian Party founder Ron a painkiller Monday and pried his middle finger loose using a wooden device and lubricant, ending the three-hour ordeal. "The bone in my finger felt like it was going to break. My finger was numb. It was very painful," said Ron, a yet-to-be-formally declared 2004 presidential candidate. "That's my flippin'-off finger too...it's my 'bird.'" Ron had...
Posted by Webmaster at November 20, 2003

Ribbon Cutting

Jersey City, New Jersey: September 9, 2003 The Chamber of Commerce has held a ribbon-cutting ceremony for an unusual structure - a toilet. The Ronatarian Party came dangerously close to losing its headquarters because it lacked two restrooms, as required by Jersey City zoning codes. One code states that "any...former residence being used as a brothel, political headquarters, bingo hall, or other similar function shall have two separate commodes to service the masses' asses." Party founder and leader Ron said he didn't think to check with the city about its zoning rules when he hastily named a run-down home...
Posted by Webmaster at November 9, 2003

Trick Or Treat

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 4, 2003 A man faces charges after he smashed a bird-feeder and threw a pumpkin through the window of a house where his vice-presidential running-mate said he didn't get any Halloween candy. Police reports show presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) taking his running-mate Brad trick-or-treating about 6:30 p.m. Friday when they went to a house where a woman was passing out candy. Ron waited at the curb while Brad went to the door. (Ron gave up trick-or-treating in the late 1990s, but continues to support Brad in his endeavors on Halloween night.) Brad returned...
Posted by Webmaster at November 4, 2003

Relief At 30,000 Feet

Manila, Philippines, October 27, 2003 The Philippine government press undersecretary has apologized for an American guest urinating while drunk on President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's chartered jet last month, newspapers reported Wednesday. The Philippine Star daily said American Ronatarian Party leader Ron relieved himself near the plane's emergency exit, which he apparently mistook for a restroom. Arroyo was on the other side of the plane en route to Manila from a visit to New York. She did not see the accident take place or Ron's exposed shlong. "I deeply apologize about all the shattered expectations," The Star and Business World...
Posted by Webmaster at October 27, 2003

The Hair Of The Dog That Bit Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 20, 2003 This dog was having a bad fur day. The dog, whose coat caught fire when a neighbor's vehicle backfired, ignited a grass fire just off NJ Rt. 13. Firefighters doused the grass fire and reported the dog was unhurt, only smelling of burnt hair. "I have been in firefighting for many years, but I have never seen anything like this happen," Jersey City Fire Chief Gary Gilmore said. It happened Saturday when a motorist, identified later as local political wanna-be Ron, ran out of gas just blocks from his Ronatarian Party headquarters....
Posted by Webmaster at October 20, 2003

Polly Want A Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: October 9, 2003 A man claims a woman wrongly adopted his lost parrot -- and he can prove it if given a chance to question the bird in court. Henrietta, an 11-year-old African gray parrot, flew out of Ronatarian Party Headquarters on July 19 after a party guest who wasn't wearing her glasses accidentally walked into the screen door leading to the balcony. Ron keeps the bird at his political offices as a mascot for his loyal followers -- who often mimic his actions and words. On August 9, Pam Henry, of Newburg, Pennsylvania, adopted...
Posted by Webmaster at October 9, 2003

Star Spangled Junk

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 15, 2003 A 2004 presidential candidate failed to win over his audience when he unzipped his pants on stage and exposed his penis -- painted red, white, and blue like the American flag. Ronatarian Party founder Ron was one of two performers battling for laughs (and votes) Friday night at a comedy club near Harvard University in Cambridge. As part of a September 11-themed contest, each contestant was asked to come up with an offensive sentence, describe Islam in 100 words or less, and pay a special tribute to America. Ron's "offensive sentence" enchanted the judges,...
Posted by Webmaster at September 15, 2003

Call The Fashion Police

Long Beach Island, New Jersey: September 4, 2003 A man's skimpy swimsuit was too much - or too little - for Taco Bell workers. Employees at Taco Bell called police Monday when the man walked into the restaurant wearing only a tiny black Speedo swimsuit and a cut-off T-shirt during the Labor Day weekend. LBI Police Chief Henry Lathon said his attire, or lack thereof, was a little too revealing. "He was inappropriately dressed for a restaurant," said Lathon. He said the man had left his clothes "down the shore." The man, identified as Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad,...
Posted by Webmaster at September 4, 2003

Hit And Ron I

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 3, 2003: Jogger and politico Ron never saw what hit him. It turns out he was blindsided by a whitetail deer. "I went out for a jog about 20 to 6 Wednesday morning, and I was jogging on Seeler Street when all of a sudden I was face-down on the pavement," he said. "A woman who saw it all said I was hit by a deer. I never saw it coming." Ron, representing the Ronatarian Party in the 2004 presidential election, was treated at St. Mary's Hospital for multiple injuries. "It hit me from...
Posted by Webmaster at September 3, 2003

Own Private Hell

Norfolk, Virginia: September 29, 2003 A sudden, irresistible urge. A portable toilet. A confrontation with an angry construction worker. Now, a federal lawsuit. While out campaigning, vice presidential candidate Brad needed to go. Badly. So he dashed to the nearest portable toilet on the Virginia Beach boardwalk. Problem was, it belonged to construction workers for Weeks Marine, a company hired by the city to replenish the beach. And those workers were fed up with outsiders using the company can. They retaliated, Brad claims in a lawsuit filed this month, by driving a bulldozer or front-end loader to the toilet...
Posted by Webmaster at August 29, 2003

Cricket Spitting

New Brunswick, New Jersey: August 26, 2003 The thought of it may bug some people, but New Jersey's newest game has people spitting crickets. A few dozen people puckered up for a cricket-spitting contest at Rutgers University last week as part of 56th annual educational clinic of the New Jersey Pest Management Association. Tom Turpin, an entomology professor from Purdue University in Indiana, says he and his colleagues were looking for additions to their annual "Bug Bowl." A mention of watermelon-seed spitting evolved into a discussion of which bugs would be good for spitting. Turpin suggested the brown house...
Posted by Ron at August 26, 2003

Stool Sample

Jersey City, New Jersey: August 21, 2003 Police pulled over a man on a bar stool -- after a slow-speed pursuit on one of Jersey City's busier streets. It started Tuesday when an officer saw a man riding the motorized bar stool at 35 mph. He was being followed closely by another man in a Camaro. Both driver and rider were pulled over. They were identified as Ronatarian front men Ron (Camaro driver) and Brad (barstool operator). Ron told police he had created the motorized stool, powered by a small engine, two weeks earlier in his garage. Ron was...
Posted by Webmaster at August 21, 2003

Bacon

Albany, New York: August 19, 2003 The first thing that hit visitors was the smell -- that sizzling, hickory, greasy smell that seeps into your clothes and hangs in your hair. The pungent aroma announced to passers-by that the second annual Bacon Show was on. And if the smell didn't bring people in, maybe the man dressed in a bright pink pig costume would. Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron, a bacon artist and event organizer, simply wanted people to come in and share his love of bacon. He and fellow artists displayed photos, paintings, and exhibits glorifying the breakfast meat...
Posted by Ron at August 19, 2003

Voting Drunk

Oslo, Norway: August 5, 2003 It will be two pints of lager and a ballot, please, in Norway this year after a change in the law allowing voters to get drunk and then go out to vote. "The election board can no longer refuse anyone to vote because they are intoxicated," an adviser at the Local Government Ministry said Monday. Until now, Norway's election law has denied entry to polling stations anyone with "seriously impaired judgment" or "reduced consciousness" from booze, but that law has been scrapped, adviser Steinar Dalbakk told the Bladet Tromsoe newspaper. "I think it is...
Posted by Webmaster at August 5, 2003

New Moon On Monday

Panama City, Florida: July 29, 2003 Jurors who were mooned by a defendant needed only 30 minutes Thursday to find the man guilty of armed burglary and aggravated battery. Ronatarian member Phil Jackson, 32, punctuated his insanity defense by loudly hooting "cuckoo-cuckoo.. I'm the crab" and then dropping his pants to moon the jury on Wednesday. Jackson will be sentenced Aug. 19. A pair of bailiffs and two Bay County sheriff's deputies dragged Jackson from the courtroom after he exposed his buttocks during Wednesday's trial proceedings. Jackson has claimed insanity in two assault cases. He was convicted in April...
Posted by Webmaster at July 29, 2003

A Royal N8 In The Arse

London, England: July 23, 2003 A man at a Buckingham Palace garden party Tuesday dropped his trousers and dashed across the lawn, pursued by Beefeater guards in ceremonial red tunics. Partygoers cheered as a Beefeater tackled the man running a reported 300 feet ahead of Queen Elizabeth II. It was not clear if she saw him. The man was whisked away and questioned by police in the gardens. He was later identified as "American weirdo" N8. He was later escorted from the palace grounds. "There was no breach of security or risk to the royal party or other guests,"...
Posted by Webmaster at July 23, 2003

Flying By The Seat Of Brad's Pants

New Jersey Turnpike Exit 13: July 22, 2003 A pair of flying underpants caused a crash on the New Jersey Turnpike when they landed on a driver's face and blocked his view, police said Tuesday. A police spokesman in the north-central town of Elizabeth, New Jersey said one of a group of naked men in a van threw the underwear into Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad's car as they passed it on a busy stretch of one of America's notoriously speedy and congested highways. "The underpants landed on the driver's face, causing him to ram the truck ahead from...
Posted by Webmaster at July 22, 2003

Signs Of Ron

Trenton, New Jersey: July 17, 2003 Ron's signature is more legible than many -- it is just that it appears to be upside down. And this is a problem for the New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicles, which informed the Ronatarian Party founder on Tuesday that his signature was "unacceptable." Ron said a clerk told him he would not get a new driver's license until he agreed to sign it "right." Ron, of Jersey City, has refused, saying it should be up to him, not the DMV, to decide how he writes his name. "F*** 'em," he yelled. He...
Posted by Webmaster at July 17, 2003

Air Ducts

Dayton, Ohio: July 16, 2003 A man who told firefighters he was stuck two days in the air duct of a clothing store was rescued Monday and emerged wearing nothing but socks. The man, identified later only as "N8," told firefighters some people made him disrobe, then threw him into the duct, which is accessible from a roof vent. The people told him to steal from the store, the man said. Firefighter Scott Bennett said the store's owners directed him to a back storage room, where he heard a muffled voice coming from the duct. N8 said he was...
Posted by Ron at July 16, 2003

Computer Rage

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 14, 2003 An aspiring New Jersey politician, angry with his running mate's web surfing, faced possible charges on Monday after he threw a computer monitor out of a 3rd-story window, hitting a four-year-old girl below on the head, police said. A police official said the man, Ronatarian Party founder Ron, had gotten angry when he returned to his home/campaign headquarters in Jersey City on Sunday afternoon. His running mate Brad was playing an online computer game and failed to formally greet him, as Party rules stipulate. Later, when Brad declined to let him join...
Posted by Ron at July 14, 2003

Cow Kissing

Morgantown, West Virginia: July 8, 2003 A radical political party cashed in on a cow kissing contest this weekend. The Ronatarian Party assigned milk jugs to several members of this rural community. Party members and locals placed money in jugs of the person they most wanted to kiss a bovine, and the one with the most money in his jug won. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad took the honors and puckered up Friday to smooch Sissy, a 3-year-old Hereford cow. "They called and asked if I would like to kiss a cow," Brad said. "It's a fun way for...
Posted by Ron at July 8, 2003

The Munchies

Des Moines, Iowa: July 7, 2003 A woman bought a bag of potato chips at a convenience store but discovered more than munchies in the bag. Lois Campbell, 42, of Des Moines, opened the small sack of Uncle Ron's garlic-flavored chips Saturday and found another bag inside. "We were eating a few of the chips, and I was about to give some to a 3-year-old child," Campbell said. "I thought it was a little bag of seasoning inside. When I saw what it was, I called the police." A police report said the contents of the heat-sealed bag smelled...
Posted by Webmaster at July 7, 2003

King Of Poop

Los Angeles, California: June 30, 2003 Ronatarian Party leader/founder Ron stood up and made fun of pop musician Michael Jackson by dangling a baby doll over a hotel balcony. Ron also wore a surgical mask over his face Tuesday in an obvious swipe at Jackson, who dangled his baby, Prince Michael II, over a balcony railing in Berlin in November. Ron, who was staying at a Super 8 Motel in L.A., went further than Jackson by tossing the doll into the air and catching it with his teeth. "Ronpersonator," said a headline in the National Enquirer tabloid, which published...
Posted by Webmaster at June 30, 2003

UriN8ing Beetles

New Brunswick, New Jersey: June 25, 2003 A 30-something-year-old man has begun producing winged beetles in his urine after hatching the eggs in his body, a senior State of New Jersey medical official said Monday. Doctor Saul Rosenberg, Medical Director of Middlesex County where the man is currently residing, said doctors found the beetles while examining him for pain in the groin area. Through hospital sources, the name of the patient was revealed to be none other than world mystery man N8. "Doctors were really surprised to see the beetles," he told the media. "There are eggs of the...
Posted by Webmaster at June 25, 2003

The Sky Is Falling!

Long Island, New York: June 17, 2003 A Jersey City, New Jersey man won a suit against American Airlines alleging that one of the company's planes released two chunks of toilet waste, known euphemistically as "blue ice," onto the windshield of his car. After the chunks came crashing down and damaged his vehicle, third party presidential candidate Ron (Ronatarian Party) tracked down the plane - American Airlines Flight 1994 - and sued in small claims court. He received the court's ruling in the mail Friday. A judge ordered the airline to pay him $236 - almost the entire amount...
Posted by Webmaster at June 17, 2003

Train Flashing

Newark, New Jersey: June 4, 2003 A Bergen County woman was cited for assault, trespassing, and resisting arrest after she was discovered half-naked hanging upside down from a train ladder, police said Tuesday. Robin Bishop, 31, was taken into custody about 2:30 p.m. Monday, after an engineer on a New Jersey Transit train discovered a woman hanging from the rear of the train as it approached a bridge here. "She was wearing jeans and nothing else," Newark police Lt. Mike Whittaker told The New Jersey Spew. "She was hanging upside down, topless, from a moving train." There were two...
Posted by Webmaster at June 4, 2003

Waste Of Booze

Meyersdale, Pennsylvania: June 3, 2003 State environmental officials are considering levying fines and other penalties against whoever dumped more than 145,000 cases of stagnant rum at a western Pennsylvania farm. Thousands of cases of discontinued Captain Morgan Gold was found piled on a farm in Elk Lick Township, about 70 miles southeast of Pittsburgh near the Maryland border. "This was a significant mess," Stan Whitsel, a state Department of Environmental Protection supervisor, told The Tribune-Democrat of Johnstown in Sunday's editions. "It was a bad situation just waiting to get worse." When he found out about the attrocities and hate...
Posted by Webmaster at June 3, 2003

The Beer Test

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 29, 2003 Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Robert Lundbeck, Ronatarian Party founder Ron surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday. "You can learn an awful lot about a fella by the way he drinks his beer," said Ron, a 3-year-resident of Cockstiff Road. "And based on what I've seen from Robert, he's a pretty all-right guy. ...A little light on the body hair, but decent enough." Ron, who ritualistically administers beer tests to all new male arrivals to Cockstiff Road, invited Lundbeck over to share a six-pack...
Posted by Ron at May 29, 2003

Elephants Never Forget

Hanoi, Vietnam: May 21, 2003 A drunk American tourist who ran into an elephant he didn't see standing in the street was injured when the animal picked him up and tossed him aside, an official said Monday. The man known worldwide only as N8 was rushed to a hospital after Saturday's attack, said the official of Buon Don tourist site in Daklak province, some 220 miles northeast of Ho Chi Minh City. He suffered three broken ribs and bruises on his face and body, a doctor at the hospital in Ho Chi Minh City said. N8 was among a...
Posted by Webmaster at May 21, 2003

Naked Bicycles

Seattle, Washington: May 4, 2003 A New Jersey man has sued Seattle police for the right for city revelers to celebrate the arrival of spring naked and on bicycles. In Seattle, rain-soaked citizens celebrate the return of sunshine with an annual summer solstice parade featuring traditions like samba dancers, colorful floats, and -- believe it or not -- nude bicyclists. But with officials regularly hinting they may crack down on this cheeky biking trend, a national nudity advocate and third party presidential candidate has sued the police, demanding they keep their pants on while he takes his off. Although...
Posted by Webmaster at May 4, 2003

Air Raid Siren

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 21, 2003 A local man who used an air raid siren to stun his political opponents into submission has had it confiscated by local police. "My detractors never let me get a word in edgeways," the man identified as Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate Ron told police. "So I crank up the siren and let it rip for a few minutes. It works every time at the debates. Afterwards, it's real quiet again...with me in the cat-bird's seat." A police spokesman said neighbors had complained at the noise from the 220-volt device, believed...
Posted by Ron at April 21, 2003

Doggie Bags

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 9, 2003 Two men who authorities say used dog feces to settle a grudge may have stepped into something themselves. Jersey City prosecutors authorized littering charges against Ronatarian running-mates Ron and Brad. The two denied all allegations. "We didn't do nothing!" exclaimed Ron from his party headquarters. "I was home with Ron the entire time," said Brad. State police from the local post say the suspects threw 40 plastic bags filled with dog feces and toilet paper on the roadway in front of another person's house. The harassed individual was not identified. No motive...
Posted by Webmaster at April 9, 2003

Bullshit & Cow Pies

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 2, 2003 A New Jersey artist/inventor/politician who turned wandering cows into poets (see "Cow Poetry") wants to expand his repertoire to include cow dung wrist watches. "Artists are always looking for new materials and I was struck by the similarities in the consistency of the manure to my paints," said Ron, a presidential candidate from his own Ronatarian Party. "I used sheep droppings at first but they were too small, so I switched to cow dung." Ron said the idea came to him as he walked through a mound-filled March Field (Lafayette College, Easton,...
Posted by Ron at April 2, 2003

Pork Chops

Somerville, New Jersey: March 31, 2003 A man accused of savagely stabbing a pet pig, then blurting out in drunkenness that he wanted pork chops, will be tried on charges of animal cruelty. The punishment could be a substantial fine plus up to 90 days in jail. The enigmatic N8 injured the 50-pound Vietnamese potbellied pig so severely in the incident that it had to be killed because one stab wound left it unable to walk. Prosecutors said N8 made drunken, belligerent comments to sheriff's deputies. One deputy stated N8 was covered in blood and had pig feces all...
Posted by Webmaster at March 31, 2003

Sneakers

Montpelier, Vermont: March 19, 2003 A New Jersey man walked away with the top prize of a $500 savings bond on Tuesday in the annual Rotten Sneaker contest. But thirty-something Ron says he's not taking full credit for the sneakers, which stumped a judge in the "heels" category because they didn't have any heels left. The Ronatarian Party founder and presidential candidate says his neighbor's poodle helped make his entry the winner. "I had a fight with the dog," said Ron, who operates out of Jersey City, and advanced from the local competition held there last November. "I was...
Posted by Webmaster at March 19, 2003

Horse's Ass

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 18, 2003 A judge on Friday blocked a tongue-in-cheek ballot measure targeting the well-known supporter of several "anti-social" initiatives. The initiative would have allowed voters in November to decide whether local politico Ron is "a horse's ass." Joshua Howard, a critic of Ron, contends his initiative had a serious goal of prompting discussion about how Ron and others may be abusing the political process. Ron has supported initiatives including a rollback of affirmative action, property tax limits, the "Bilingual Cheese Manifesto," and "Porn for Tots." James Phallis, an attorney for the state, had argued...
Posted by Webmaster at March 18, 2003

Fish Sticks

Somerville, New Jersey: March 17, 2003 Local police apprehended world enigma N8 as he torched stolen goldfish with a homemade flame-thrower, police said on Wednesday. They discovered the odd character roasting the fish with a device made from a water pistol, a cigarette lighter, and a stolen gas canister. "It was a lethal contraption. He was jolly lucky it didn't explode in his face," said a police spokesman. Locals had alerted police on Tuesday after noticing a fire in a yard in the small town. Police confiscated the flame-thrower, but were too late to save the goldfish, which were...
Posted by Webmaster at March 17, 2003

Hamster Abuse

Somerville, New Jersey: March 13, 2003: A man caught torturing hamsters he had just bought from a pet store has been sentenced to three years probation. N8 -- the enigmatic man who is wanted for odd crimes worldwide -- was also ordered Friday to undergo substance abuse and psychiatric counseling as part of the plea bargain he reached with Somerset County authorities. Somerville is located southwest of Newark between Plainfield and Raritan along Highway 22 near the Raritan River. What he is doing back in the country -- and in New Jersey -- is a mystery to authorities. In...
Posted by Webmaster at March 13, 2003

Pooper Scooper

Frankfort, Kentucky: March 11, 2003 A man who slipped on dog feces and hurt his ankle while he was shopping at a Petsmart store deserves a jury trial, the Kentucky Court of Appeals ruled Friday. The Boone Circuit Court granted Petsmart a summary judgment in September 2001, and dismissed U.S. vice presidential candidate Brad's claim that store owners were negligent in his fall. The story was kept under wraps for almost two years to protect the semi-public figure's image in the community. Brad was in Frankfort briefly in 2000 campaigning on the Ronatarian Party ticket. Brad had testified in...
Posted by Webmaster at March 11, 2003

Short Fuse

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 10, 2003 Ronatarian Party founder Ron hung his latest hunting trophy on the wall of his party's headquarters and store. (The HQ doubles as a souvenir/sandwich shop when funds are low.) Then he went to jail. The problem was the trophy was Ron's laptop computer. He shot it four times, as customers watched, after it crashed once too often. He was jailed on suspicion of felony menacing, reckless endangerment, and the prohibited use of weapons. He was later released with dropped charges by the sympathetic Jersey City Police. Reports from the precinct indicate that...
Posted by Webmaster at March 10, 2003

Toilet Art

Santa Fe, New Mexico: March 6, 2003 A new art project in Santa Fe has the southwestern city talking toilets. "The Path of the Painted Potties," a project where people try to turn toilets into works of art, is intended to educate residents about the desert town's scarce water supply, raise money for water conservation, and promote a floundering presidential campaign. Starting March 15, residents who pay $50 will receive a "sanitized and disabled potty" and then have six weeks to decorate it. The idea was actually proposed by a New Jersey man famous for outrageous actions: Ron. The...
Posted by Webmaster at March 6, 2003

Courtesy Flush

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 4, 2003 Four years ago, when his mother couldn't bend over to lower the toilet seat, Ron sprang into action. First, he put the seat down for her. Then he began work on a tool to help people with similar dilemmas, a gizmo to assist them in raising and lowering the lid. Ron named his invention the "Courtesy Flush," and once it's manufactured, it will sell for $24.95. "You really have to use it to appreciate it," Ron said. His mother was recovering from a rare double-hemorrhoid surgery when she had her encounter with...
Posted by Ron at March 4, 2003

Man-Based Legislation

Jersey City, New Jersey: March 3, 2003 A wanna-be New Jersey politician suggested to state legislators on Tuesday that it was time to create a commission to study what has gone wrong for the American male. After raising the notion of creating a "Commission on the Status of Men" from the balcony of the New Jersey legislature, Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron told reporters: "Some people might think that it's not a serious issue, but I think it is. It's time we start studying this and find out, 'Are we neglecting our young male population out there? How can we...
Posted by Webmaster at March 3, 2003

N8 Of The North

Helsinki, Finland: February 20, 2003 A beer guzzler's spate of robberies ended abruptly in southeast Finland after he made a getaway jump into the back of a car. Unfortunately for the thief, a police officer investigating the thefts was sitting in front. The trail of break-ins and shoplifting began Feb. 7 when a 30-something-year-old man stole a car and drove it to six different locations, filching beer and cigarettes. "He drove for four days breaking into gas stations and cafeterias," Chief Inspector Harri Pyosti, who headed the investigation, told The Associated Press Thursday. "He couldn't believe he'd jumped into...
Posted by Webmaster at February 20, 2003

Icing

Calgary, Alberta, Canada: February 13, 2003 An American man who climbed naked over the glass at a Calgary Flames hockey game, then tumbled onto the ice and knocked himself out pleaded guilty Wednesday to public drunkenness. Judge Cheryl Daniels ordered Rontarian vice presidential candidate Brad to donate $1,650 to charity and perform 35 hours of community service. He also must undergo alcohol counseling. The judge criticized Brad for what she called a "pathetic spectacle of yourself splayed naked on the ice for six minutes until you were covered." Brad climbed over the glass wearing only red socks during the...
Posted by Webmaster at February 13, 2003

Canadian Girlfriend

Jersey City, New Jersey: February 5, 2003 Despite his insistence, bachelor presidential candidate Ron has been unable to substantiate his longstanding claim that he has a girlfriend in Canada, sources close to the famous Ronatarian reported Friday. Ever since the summer, Ron has been telling friends and associates that he is involved in a long-distance relationship with "Veronique Grosjean," an alleged Banff, Alberta 28-year-old chamber maid. According to Ron, he and Grosjean met last July while both were working at a band camp in the Boundary Waters region of northern Minnesota near the U.S.-Canadian border. Ron taught kids how...
Posted by Ron at February 5, 2003

Brad Fraud

Jersey City, New Jersey: January 30, 2003 A man who says he bought magic wands from a self-described psychic to erase negative thoughts says $5,400 of his money was all that disappeared. Ronatarian Brad said he paid a woman who claims to be a psychic $1,800 for each of three wands. "She was a terrific actress," Brad said. "I believed her...she was hot." No word yet as to why Brad needed to have three different magic wands in his possession or what he would wish for. The odd situation is providing fodder for Ronatarian detractors here and abroad. "Tell...
Posted by Ron at January 30, 2003

Brazil Nut

Belo Horizonte, Brazil: January 26, 2003 A mayor from Brazil's ruling Workers' Party, whose disappearance had alarmed the government, was found in a hotel after a three-day drinking binge which started at a brothel. Fearing mayor Chico Ferramenta could be the latest victim of a series of attacks on local Workers' Party officials, senior party officials had asked local police in the state of Minas Gerais to launch a thorough search. Ferramenta is semi-known in the United States because of his association with Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron. The two have struck up a friendly working relationship over the internet....
Posted by Ron at January 26, 2003

Snubbing The French

Paris, France: January 19, 2003 A Frenchman who sells cheese over the internet has seen his inbox fill up with e-mails from disgruntled Americans this week. They are more than happy with his Camembert, but not with his government's policy on Iraq. "Pam and I have enjoyed ordering from you in the past," read one e-mail to fromages.com co-founder Marc Refabert. "(But) because of the current position your government is taking on not supporting the U.S. at this time regarding Iraq, we are not going to support France in any way....We are sorry." Orders are slipping from the key...
Posted by Webmaster at January 19, 2003

Clipping Coupons

Jersey City, New Jersey: January 15, 2003 A coupon-clipper looking to score a new car got the run-around when he presented a dealer with $41,200 worth of coupons. Stay-at-home politician Ron said he was perusing newspaper ads recently when he noticed a $200-off coupon from Toyota of Newark (New Jersey). Ron said nothing in the ad limited customers to one coupon, so he bought more than 200 New Jersey Spew newspapers carrying the ad and clipped away. On January 11, Ron packed up his coupons in a black briefcase and made his way to the dealership in hopes of...
Posted by Ron at January 15, 2003

Goddamn Tickets

Newark, New Jersey: January 9, 2003 A judge is cracking down on people who write vulgarities on checks they use to pay traffic fines. Judge John Pikachuaranian sentenced one man to two days of community service for writing a vulgar insult on the memo line of a check. The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron. The chief judge of the 3rd District Court said the clerks who handle traffic fine payments shouldn't have to deal with obscene language. "The issue as I see it is if someone came into the court and used that language...
Posted by Webmaster at January 9, 2003

Drunk Elk

January 5, 2003: Stockholm, Sweden Police shot dead a drunken bull elk that attacked a strange man while intoxicated on fermented apples, Swedish daily Aftonbladet reported Thursday. The elk attacked the American man known only as N8 as he played in a public garden in the town of Karlskoga in central Sweden. The man was badly shaken but escaped serious injury, suffering only a bruised neck. N8 refused medical attention and before local authorities knew he was a wanted fugitive, he fled into the stark Scandinavian landscape. Elk, common in sparsely populated Sweden, are normally shy creatures but they...
Posted by Webmaster at January 5, 2003

Chased By Martians

January 2, 2003: Marseille, France A man who raced through a motorway road block, triggering a high-speed police car chase that ended in a minor crash, has blamed aliens from Mars for his reckless driving. Under police custody in a hospital in the Mediterranean city of Marseille, the 30-something-year-old told police he was being "chased by Martians" when he charged through a road block on the A55 motorway Monday evening, police sources said. The man was later identified as the mysterious N8 by Interpol. He is assumed to be an American citizen, but is wanted in several countries for...
Posted by Webmaster at January 2, 2003

Is that a Monkey in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

San Diego, California: December 23, 2002 Customs officials opened his suitcase and a bird of paradise flew out but that was nothing compared to what they found in his pants -- a pair of pygmy monkeys. Mystery man N8 was arrested for trying to smuggle the monkeys, a total of four exotic birds, and 50 rare orchids across the Mexican border after a trip to Thailand, officials said on Thursday. Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Johns said N8 had been undergoing a routine border inspection until an official opened his engineering briefcase. "It became non-routine when they opened his baggage...
Posted by Webmaster at December 23, 2002

Naked N8

Mendocino, California: December 4, 2002 Debbie DeMarco was driving west on Naamans Road about 4:30 a.m. Tuesday when she said a blue Volkswagen Jetta roared past her with a naked man clinging to the roof. DeMarco, a paper carrier for The Mendocino Beacon, said the car was swerving from left to right across the median, sparks flying. The driver then crossed back over the median toward DeMarco before making a sharp turn onto northbound Route 1 near the Gas-N-Sip. "I'm looking, and there's a man hanging from the top of the car...naked!" said DeMarco, who called 911. "All this...
Posted by Webmaster at December 4, 2002

Cow Poetry

Northern New Jersey: December 2, 2002 Any artist can paint cows. Ron paints ON cows. Ron, the founder of the Ronatarian Party and its perpetual presidential candidate, painted single words (from "a" to "existential") on the flanks of about 60 cows near his Northern New Jersey home, then let them wander around to see if they could compose poetry. So Holsteins, Jerseys, and Guernseys named Elsie, Lukey, and Maggie came up with phrases like "eccentric art," "performance as cow environment," "organic conceptual art as poetry," and Ron's own favorite "I throw swill on positive feedback systems." One animal seemed...
Posted by Ron at December 2, 2002

Swinging After Hours

Jersey City, New Jersey: November 24, 2002: A pair of weary Ronatarians have gone to court to try to close down a swingers' club on the ground floor of their building. They claim the club's members' moans of pleasure and screams of delight are keeping them awake. "Brad has to reach for the ear plugs every night because the unmistakable sounds of sexual intercourse can be heard throughout the building," said Ronatarian Party founder Ron who lives with his running mate (Brad) on the second floor, directly above the club known as "Zwielicht" -- a German word meaning both...
Posted by Webmaster at November 24, 2002

Ron-Paper-Scissors

Toronto, Canada: November 19, 2002 Give Ron a hand - for being the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors player. The notorious American politician has won the World Rock Paper Scissors Society's first open international championship. He was among more than 250 grownups who took part in the competition over the weekend in Toronto. While Rock, Paper, Scissors is usually a kids' game, not this time. He won more than the last slice of pizza. First prize was $1,200, a video game system, and a gold medal. Ron says the secret to winning is maintaining a clear mind and judging...
Posted by Webmaster at November 19, 2002

Misnaming

St. Paul, Minnesota: November 5, 2002 A steaming-mad Governor Jesse Ventura appointed a fellow independent to temporarily fill Senator Paul Wellstone's seat Monday, while Ronatarian Party founder Ron publically fumed at the governor's decision. Ventura's choice of Dean Barkley, a major figure in Minnesota's third-party movement, leaves control of the Senate up in the air. The two major parties now have 49 members each, with two independents. The "even Senate" is not what has riled up the feisty Ron, but the man who "independently filled the seat"--Gov. Ventura. "Jesse owes me $50," said Ron during a phone interview on...
Posted by Webmaster at November 5, 2002

Midterm Elections, 2002

Neither of our candidates below won in the midterm elections. What the hell? Don't you people vote? We'll be sure to get them in next year.
Posted by Ron at November 5, 2002

Idiots

Santa Fe, New Mexico: November 4, 2002 New Mexico voters will decide on Tuesday whether they want "idiots" and "insane persons" to vote in their state. Under the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, "idiots" and "insane persons," as well as those "convicted of a felonious or infamous crime" are currently prohibited from voting. The Ronatarian Party is lobbying to change that. Proposed Amendment 2 on the November 5 ballot would strike the terms "idiots" and "insane persons" from the Constitution. The measure will better reflect current understanding of mental health, enpower more local Ronatarian Party members, and remove archaic...
Posted by Webmaster at November 4, 2002

What's Up Doc?

Portland, Oregon: October 29, 2002 A masked performance-art wrestler faces animal abuse charges after he allegedly bit the head off of a live rabbit as a promotional stunt. The masked wrestler -- later identified as international enigma N8 -- pleaded innocent to two felony counts. The trial is set for November 11. There may not be a defendant, though. Once again, the mysterious man has slipped out of police custody and into legend. "It was a horrible act," said Portland police Detective William Crockett. "The rabbit screamed and kicked. The guy had to consume a lot of alcohol before...
Posted by Webmaster at October 29, 2002

MiscalcuN8

Vancouver, British Columbia: October 28, 2002 A man was charged with criminal mischief on Monday after he attempted, unsuccessfully, to bungee jump from a Vancouver bridge to the deck of a passing cruise ship. International man of mystery N8 miscalculated the ship's speed and suffered minor head injuries on Sunday when he bounced off its tennis court, volleyball net, and a deck railing, before being left dangling in mid-air as the ship sailed away, Vancouver Police said. He had fashioned his own bungee cord from dental floss and chewed bubble gum, authorities reported. Police said the enigmatic N8 had...
Posted by Webmaster at October 28, 2002

Down The Toilet

Boulder, Colorado: October 22, 2002 A guest at a hotel in Boulder had reason to be grateful for having his mobile phone in the bathroom after ending up with his hand stuck down the toilet for more than an hour on Wednesday. The man -- identified later as Ronatarian Party vice-presidential candidate Brad -- slipped as he stepped out of the shower and accidentally jammed his hand down the funnel of the toilet as he tried to break his fall, rescue workers said. Still naked, he was saved by firemen more than an hour later after calling an emergency...
Posted by Webmaster at October 22, 2002

Yu-Gi-Ron!

Honolulu, Hawaii: October 16, 2002 When Ted Mays and his Geek-O Books & Comics store staff see a mother and her young child coming through the door, they have a pretty good idea what's on their shopping agenda. "We just say, 'Yu-Gi-Ron!' and they smile," Mays says. There have been plenty of such visitors to the Honolulu store over the past year, a good indication that the latest Chinese import is doing a bang-up job supplanting the hugely profitable Japanese Pokémon line in the imaginations of kiddie consumers. Created by Sum Ting Wong, "Yu-Gi-Ron!" (roughly translated as "Ruler of...
Posted by Webmaster at October 16, 2002

The Man

Lake City, Florida: October 9, 2002 A man who wanted to change his name to "God" chose a new name when a judge turned down his request. The former David Haffey's new name is "The Man: Ron." The former Haffey said after his first choice was rejected in April, he went to the Bible to find a backup. Nothing. He tried Dianetics. Zip. He then turned to the small Ronatarian Party for inspiration. "I always felt for the little guy," said Haffey. "I was instantly drawn to the cult of personality that is their leader. Of course, that man...
Posted by Webmaster at October 9, 2002

The Loony Party

London, England: October 2, 2002 As Britain's main political parties hold their weighty annual conferences, the country's official lunatic fringe is meeting in the Dog and Partridge pub for a very different convention. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party has been bringing flamboyant madness to Britain's political scene for almost 2 years, and this year's annual conference in the genteel town of Yateley, southern England, is no exception. The party was created based on the quasi-popular American Ronatarian Party. It is well known that the Ronatarian Party was created on a bar crawl and some outsiders call the party's...
Posted by Webmaster at October 2, 2002

Dwarf Tossing

Geneva, Switzerland: October 1, 2002 A tiny stuntman who protested against a French ban on the bizarre practice of "dwarf throwing" lost his case before a U.N. human rights body, which said the need to protect human dignity was paramount. Hans Wackenheim had argued the 1995 ban by France's highest administrative court was discriminatory and deprived him of a job being hurled around discotheques by burly men. In a rare bit of international diplomacy, U.S. Ronatarian politician Ron voiced his support for the diminutive Wackenheim and against the French. "I've had enough of the goddamn French curbing wholesome fun...
Posted by Webmaster at October 1, 2002

Bradpotence Revisited

Cambridge, Massachusetts: September 17, 2002 Scientists in the United States have come up with news that may help millions of men -- they have succeeded in growing major parts of penises in the laboratory. The test tube penile parts were successfully used to rebuild the members of rabbits who -- after rest and recuperation -- put them to the use that rabbits are famous for. "They were able to copulate, penetrate, and produce sperm," Anthony Atala, whose team at Harvard Medical School carried out the experiments, told New Scientist magazine. Ronatarian Party leaders quickly hailed the discovery as a...
Posted by Ron at September 17, 2002

Oh N8.. Behave!

Edmonton, Alberta: September 11, 2002 A crudely disguised man wielding a Samurai sword burst into a Canadian Jehovah's Witness church and tried to rob 65 congregation members before he was foiled by someone who used his cell phone to alert police, authorities said on Wednesday. Police responded quickly and arrested the man after convincing him to drop the 65 centimeter (two foot) blade in the incident late Tuesday at a northeast Edmonton Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall, police spokesman Dean Parthenis said. The man was later identified as one of the world's most intriguing people: N8. No one knows much...
Posted by Webmaster at September 11, 2002

Caged N8

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan: August 26, 2002 Canadian prison officials have launched a probe into a barbecue held at a Saskatoon psychiatric facility following reports that potentially violent inmates dined on steak, climbed trees, and stripped naked. Corrections Canada officials said in local newspaper reports on Friday that they had launched the review after photographs from the party, held in early August at the Regional Psychiatric Center in Saskatoon, were distributed to journalists. Newspaper reports, some of which dubbed the prison "Club Fed," said the pictures show seven inmates from the aggressive behavior control unit grilling filet mignon and climbing trees....
Posted by Ron at August 26, 2002

Bathroom Man

Trenton, New Jersey: August 12, 2002 In some school bathrooms, Ron discovered it was easier to find the toilet paper hanging from the ceiling than the roll. In others, the toilets were chronically backed up, obscenities were scrawled on the walls, and cigarette butts littered the sinks. While he found some of the limericks amusing, he could not get past his disgust at the filth around him in the school lavatory. Everywhere he went, New Jersey public school students told Ron they would rather wait all day than use filthy school restrooms. That's when he found his calling as...
Posted by Ron at August 12, 2002

Commode Curse

Jersey City, New Jersey: August 7, 2002 A man who put a curse on the city's sewer system said he will remove it if the city apologizes. Perpetual presidential candidate Ron claims to have put a curse on the city back in the mid 1990s, after he said officials mistreated a totem pole he gave Jersey City as a gift. The 20-foot totem pole depicts Ronatarian running mate Brad -- whom Ron lovingly calls the Village Idiot -- sitting on a water spout emanating from a commode, which is supposed to protect the city. When officials went to install...
Posted by Ron at August 7, 2002

Belching Contest

London, England: August 6, 2002 America's loudest burper failed to smash his own ear-splitting North American record on Wednesday when a sore throat forced him to throw in the towel after three attempts. Notorious U.S. (New Jersey) politician Ron was hoping to better the 117.9 decibel mark -- a burp as loud as a pneumatic drill -- a sonic tour de force he set in 2000. But after chugging back a carbonated drink, "shot-gunning" a beer, and gulping mouthfuls of air to build up gas in his stomach, he could only managed 110.3 decibels on a Guinness World Record...
Posted by Ron at August 6, 2002

Packing Heat

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 26, 2002 A man who says he was pulled off an airplane and asked to take a sex toy out of his luggage after it started vibrating is suing Delta Air Lines, saying he was publicly humiliated. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad said he was "with a buddy" awaiting takeoff from Dallas in February when his name was called over the loudspeaker. "I assumed it was a security precaution or an impromptu tribute," said the noted sidekick of U.S. politico Ron. He was ultimately met by a Delta security agent who told him something...
Posted by Webmaster at July 26, 2002

Underwhelming Writing

San Jose, California: July 16, 2002 With a putrid passage about a hero's self-image gone bad, the vice presidential candidate from the Ronatarian Party -- who also crafts witty sayings and campaign slogans for lapel buttons -- won the 21st annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for horrible writing. Brad, originally from Massachusetts, triumphed Monday over thousands of entrants from around the world with the following sentence: "On reflection, Ron perceived that his relationship with himself had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked...
Posted by Webmaster at July 16, 2002

Mr. Softee

Jersey City, New Jersey: July 9, 2002 The driver of a Mister Softee truck is facing assault and breach of peace charges for allegedly attacking a frequent critic of the music coming from the truck's loudspeakers, police said. Luis Amaro, 51, is accused of charging out of his truck Saturday and swinging a bat at famous Ronatarian Ron. "Mister Softee tried to kill me!" Ron said Wednesday as he recovered from arm bruises and a graze to the head. Amaro could not be reached for comment. But Felix Rios, who owns the Mister Softee franchise in East Hartford, Connecticut...
Posted by Webmaster at July 9, 2002

I Can Hear Jimi

Washington, D.C.: July 8, 2002 Strumming the air with his fingers has earned a northern New Jersey man a trip to the other side of the globe for the Air Guitar World Championships, The Washington Post reported Monday. Ronatarian Ron won the United States air guitar title last month imitating late guitar icon Jimi Hendrix, earning the right to compete at the world event in Oulu, Finland, in August. Ron started strumming invisible strings when he was a 14-year-old listening to heavy metal music. "I heard music and felt it and started moving my fingers. Maybe I'm just a...
Posted by Webmaster at July 8, 2002

Rollin' Along

Jackson, New Jersey: July 2, 2002 After riding a Six Flags Great Adventure roller coaster for two weeks, famous Ronatarians Ron and Brad are record setters - and new icons. The two New Jersey men rode the Great American Scream Machine 2,002 times, breaking Ron's 1995 record of 2,001 continuous rides. Four contestants originally sought to break the record when the contest began June 17. It was down to Ron and Brad as of June 21. Michael Tracey, a 30-year-old engineer, was disqualified for returning late from a bathroom break. He mentioned "the lack of good seat time" as...
Posted by Webmaster at July 2, 2002

Fresh Ronsicles

Bogota, Colombia: July 1, 2002 A hiker is stranded in South America's Andes mountains when a blizzard begins. He reaches into his backpack for his cell phone -- only to find his prepaid minutes are up. The American mountaineer slowly begins freezing to death, surviving for 24 hours with his only warmth coming from carefully measured dozes of brandy. Then suddenly, at above 12,500 feet, notorious Ronatarian Ron hears a familiar ring. Out of nowhere, a phone company solicitor is calling on his cell phone, asking if he would like to buy more time. "We called him to remind...
Posted by Webmaster at July 1, 2002

Hanson Wedding

Pine Mountain, Georgia: June 15, 2002 Hanson singer, keyboardist and middle child, Taylor married longtime sweetheart Natalie Anne Bryant in a small, private ceremony in Georgia on June 8th. "Our wedding was exactly how we envisioned it, romantic and intimate, and surrounded by our families and friends," the nineteen-year-old Hanson said. "Natalie and I are looking forward for to our life together." David Garza provided the musical entertainment for the wedding reception. Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was the "keynote speaker" -- as the wedding program described his participation. Asked about his specific role in the wedding ceremony, Ron...
Posted by Webmaster at June 15, 2002

Czech It Out

Prague, Czech Republic: June 10, 2002 Czech voters are having to make some hard election choices -- should they support the party offering free alcohol or the one using topless women in its campaign? American Ronatarian Ron says, "Why not both?" With the Christian Democrats handing out free shots of plum brandy in the Moravian town of Valasske Mezirici during a weekend election rally, the Communist party had to quickly change its strategy for a meeting in the same town square. Soon the party had five topless women handing out campaign literature, forcing people to decide between a free...
Posted by Webmaster at June 10, 2002

Bad Hair Day

Jersey City, New Jersey: June 5, 2002 A Northern New Jersey man lost his case for compensation against a hair salon which he claimed made him look like Osama bin Laden when he wanted an afro hairstyle like the former TV actor Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady) used to sport on "The Brady Bunch." After the judgment was handed down, he refused to leave the Small Claims Court and had to be taken away by an ambulance following a standoff of more than an hour with court staff, the New Jersey Spew reported on Thursday. Ronatarian Party leader Ron...
Posted by Ron at June 5, 2002

Pontificate

Baku, Azerbaijan: May 28, 2002: An over-exuberant man on crutches disturbed a mass celebrated by Pope John Paul in Azerbaijan on Thursday when he clambered on to a stage and got within 10 feet of the Pontiff but was quickly led away. The mysterious man known only as "N8" -- who claimed to be a visionary and described himself in a written statement as "the Prince of the World" -- was not armed. After a few minutes of confusion and questioning by local police and Vatican officials, he was deemed harmless and was released. N8 had wanted to give...
Posted by Webmaster at May 28, 2002

Panty Raid

New York City: May 22, 2002: Cheeky thieves, dubbed the "G-string Gang" by the New York press, made off with thousands of dollars worth of racy underwear after a daylight raid on upmarket lingerie designer Belle Risque Agent Derrier (BRAD), a spokesman said on Tuesday. The midtown Manhattan headquarters of BRAD -- a favorite among celebrities such as actress/model Liz Hurley, actress Sarah Jessica Parker, and Ronatarian Ron -- was burgled over the weekend by thieves who carried off $42,000 worth of lacy bras, panties, and corsets as well as shoes and jewelry. "We were all working upstairs when...
Posted by Webmaster at May 22, 2002

Ronatarian Tour

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 8, 2002: Ron treated journalists to never-before-seen pictures of Ronatarian National Headquarters on Saturday, including one in which former vice presidential candidate Brad appears to be urinating on the door of Ron's private office. "Brad, I hope you're not doing what it looks like you're doing," Ron quipped as he narrated a slide show at the 2nd Annual Northern New Jersey Media Correspondents Association. Ron was nearly upstaged at the elegant event by heavy metal rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, who is in talks with MTV to bring his raucous, foul-mouthed family back for a...
Posted by Webmaster at May 8, 2002

Aw Nuts

Melbourne, Australia: May 2, 2002 Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was suspended for 10 matches on Tuesday after pleading guilty to biting an opponent's testicles during an Australian Rules football game last week. Ron is not a member of any team in the league or even an Australian citizen...so what happened? Ron was playing for Port Melbourne against Springvale in the Australian Football League's feeder competition, the Victorian Football League (VFL) as a guest of the club manager. The manager had apparently lost an argument to Ron in a local pub the night before. Sources say the payment was...
Posted by Ron at May 2, 2002

Holding It In

New Jersey: May 1, 2002 A man desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but toiletless train won $270 compensation for what a court called his torture. A Jersey City, New Jersey court ordered New Jersey Transit to pay the man, who walked uncomfortably through the modern high-speed train, stumbling over people sitting in the corridors, as he searched in vain for a working toilet. All the toilets on the Philadelphia to New York train were locked because there was no water for flushing. "The plaintiff had to torture himself with his urgent need for two...
Posted by Webmaster at May 1, 2002

Camaro Showdown

Beltsville, Maryland: April 23, 2002 Former presidential candidate Ron wrenched a silver Chevrolet Camaro into a high-speed evasive turn on Monday as the Secret Service showed off its many techniques -- from underwater rescues to sniffer dogs -- to protect him. With his security at an all-time high after the Sept. 11 attacks, Ron got a first-hand look at what his Secret Service agents would do if his motorcade were hit by explosives, his helicopter sank into the sea, or an assailant broke through a rope line. ...Of course, this would only be if Ron were actually the President...
Posted by Ron at April 23, 2002

Phantom Patriot

Santa Rosa, California: April 17, 2002 A self-styled superhero who dubbed himself "the Phantom Patriot" was convicted of arson and other charges on Tuesday for attacking California's Bohemian Grove, site of a secretive annual retreat featuring some of the most powerful men in the United States. A man known only as N8--30ish and with a frightful chin--was found guilty by a jury in Sonoma County Superior Court of arson, burglary, and brandishing a weapon during his January 20, 2002 assault, which he said was prompted by fears that the encampment 70 miles north of San Francisco was used for...
Posted by Webmaster at April 17, 2002

Horsies

El Dorado, Arkansas: April 15, 2002 The Old West clashed with the world's largest retailer when two horsemen rode their mounts through a Wal-Mart in the southern Arkansas town of El Dorado, police say. The horses left a pile of droppings and a wake of startled shoppers but did no other damage despite getting well into the food section. Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the world's largest retailer, is based in the northern Arkansas town of Bentonville. "We get some weird stuff down here," Lt. Terry Ward of the El Dorado police said. Former Ronatarian presidential and vice-presidential candidates Ron and...
Posted by Webmaster at April 15, 2002

High Tech Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey: April 4, 2002 Drink up that beer -- another will soon be whisked to the table thanks to a hi-tech pint glass that tells bar staff when it needs refilling. Developed by former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron, the intelligent glass is fitted with a radio-frequency coil in its base and emits a signal to a receiver set in the table when it's empty, Mustached Scientists of American magazine reported Thursday. The iWannaBeer system works by coating each glass with a clear, conducting material, enabling it to measure exactly how much liquid has been sipped or...
Posted by Webmaster at April 4, 2002

French Conspiracy

Paris, France: April 2, 2002 The French are lapping up a September 11 conspiracy theory that argues the plane that smashed into the Pentagon never existed and that the world has been duped by a murky U.S. government plot. Thierry Meyssan's book "The Frightening Fraud" is flying off shelves according to booksellers and has topped bestseller lists. Meyssan, president of Reseau Voltaire, a respected left-wing think tank, reckons the American Airlines Flight 77 that crashed into the Pentagon in Washington killing 189 on September 11 did not exist and that the whole thing was staged by the government. "I...
Posted by Webmaster at April 2, 2002

Croquet Ain't For Sissies

Calgary, Canada: May 30, 2002 Three men were sent to the hospital after being hit with mallets and nine people were arrested following a vicious brawl between croquet and softball players in this western Canadian city. One man was in a hospital trauma center with life-threatening head injuries following the melee at a Calgary, Alberta athletic field, police and paramedics said on Wednesday. Alcohol was said to be a factor. "I didn't realize croquet was a contact sport," said Det. Dean Vegso of the Calgary police. The incident began late Tuesday when a softball team, which had just wrapped...
Posted by Webmaster at March 30, 2002

Inflatable Bittle

March 26, 2002: Jersey City, New Jersey A northern New Jersey man suspected of murder after he was seen carrying what a neighbor thought was a dead Bittle into his house was cleared after he showed police his collection of rubber sex and Bittle dolls. A police spokeswoman said Tuesday the neighbor called to say he saw the man--identified as former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron--carrying a "corpse" into the abode. Police responding to the call found the suspect to be "surprised, ornery, and disturbed" by their questions at first. "When the officers then told Ron they were investigating a...
Posted by Webmaster at March 26, 2002

Chocolate Cigarettes

March 25, 2002: London, England Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, is selling his own brand of luxury chocolate Easter eggs, the Mirror reported on Saturday. The prince's organic chocolate confections have gone on sale at London's swanky Fortnum & Mason's grocery store for $43 each. The 14 oz. eggs, made from dark Belgian chocolate, are being sold by the prince's natural food company, Duchy Originals, with all proceeds going to charity. Each egg will be embossed with the prince's crest and will also be sold over the Internet. "This is a luxury egg for serious chocoholics," Duchy...
Posted by Ron at March 25, 2002

Fish Fight

March 7, 2002: Madeira Beach, Florida A New Jersey vacationer, in Florida on a fishing trip, was recovering on Friday after being stabbed with the bill of a swordfish during a fight with another man, a sheriff's spokeswoman said. Police arrested former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron and vice-presidential candidate Brad on Thursday after the two men allegedly started fighting near a dock in Madeira Beach, a small city on Florida's Gulf Coast. Police said that after Brad hit Ron in the head with a beer bottle and left, Ron went to Brad's hotel room and stabbed him in the...
Posted by Webmaster at March 7, 2002

My Way

February 19, 2002: Manila, Philippines A New Jersey man was attacked and his compatriot seriously wounded after they sarcastically applauded a student for singing Frank Sinatra's classic "My Way" off-key, according to a newspaper report. The victims have been identified as former American presidential and vice-presidential running mates Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party). Both have been stabilized at a U.S. base hospital. Details have been withheld to protect those involved. The 21-year-old student felt insulted when the pair clapped after he sang the song at a karaoke parlor in downtown Manila, the reports said Tuesday. Reasons are numerous and...
Posted by Webmaster at February 19, 2002

Deadly Words

February 14, 2002: Galveston, Texas A Texas jury on Wednesday found Thomas Mitchell guilty of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend because he thought she was about to say the words "New Jersey." His attorney unsuccessfully sought his exoneration on grounds that certain words set off an uncontrollable rage in Mitchell, who has a history of mental illness. Words that triggered a bad reaction in Mitchell included "New Jersey," "Lafayette," "Camaro" and "Ron," lawyer Maria Mercado told the court. When asked about the pointed parallels between Mitchell's "trigger words" and former presidential candidate Ron, Ronatarian spokesman and former vice...
Posted by Webmaster at February 14, 2002

Strip-O-Ron

January 28, 2002: New Jersey If Ron's mother were a stripper, business would be booming. Except that she is not. After months of lurid phone calls because of a mix-up with her mobile phone number and a strip-o-gram agency, she's had enough. Ron's mother, who lives somewhere in northern New Jersey, says her cellular telephone number was listed in a Yellow Pages advertisement for a Newark strip-o-gram service. She said she kept getting calls asking: "Can you take your clothes off? What type of bra have you got on? Have you trimmed Ron's mustache today?" "First of all I...
Posted by Webmaster at January 28, 2002

Lord of the Rons

January 21, 2002: The Shire The rest of the world may see box office smash "The Lord of the Rings" as a mythical tale of hobbits and goblins, but some young members of the Ronatarian Party hope to use the film to promote their political ideals. "We want to use the event as an incredible volcano to help people understand our view of the world," said vice presidential candidate Brad. Many Ronatarians see the 1,000-page tome by Britain's J.R.R. Tolkien as a celebration of their own values of physical strength, leadership, and integrity. The Ronatarians are taking a page...
Posted by Webmaster at January 21, 2002

Anything Goes

January 10, 2002: Singapore Burping, barfing, and body odor. Nothing is off limits at the "Grossology" exhibition in Singapore which gets up close and personal with the slimy, smelly science of the human body. "People don't talk about burps and farts and go into detail of how they work," said former U.S. presidential candidate Ron as he made a beeline for the interactive displays. "They don't teach us this at school in America." The squeaky-clean city state, which has long barred spitting and enforced fines for not flushing toilets, is the first foreign country to put on the show...
Posted by Ron at January 10, 2002

Ron The Nudist Strikes Again

January 3, 2002: Des Moines, Iowa A nudist with a streak of boldness said he reached his 2001 goal of driving 15,000 miles in the buff, a newspaper reported. Former presidential candidate Ron, sent an e-mail message to the Des Moines Register on Thursday claiming to have driven the distance without clothes mostly on several Midwestern trips to chess tournaments. This type of activity is nothing new for the Ronatarian Party leader, who was detained in Canada in August for walking naked through British Columbia. (See Roncouver.) A few times Ron said he was spotted by passing motorists who...
Posted by Webmaster at January 3, 2002

Devil in a Blue Dress

December 18, 2001: Toronto, Canada Toronto's best-known drag queen, famous for six-inch heels, slinky dresses, and a failed bid to become the city's mayor, said on Thursday she wanted to enter the U.S. presidential race in some capacity. "I am a supermodel for a super party," said Enza 'Supermodel" Anderson. "I don't care what you call me but please put in supermodel." The "super party" Anderson referred to is the grassroots Ronatarian Party, led by founder Ron. While less than 2-years-old, the Ronatarian Party has grown exponentially in membership and in public awareness, even across the U.S.-Canadian border. The...
Posted by Webmaster at December 18, 2001

Peeping Ron

December 17, 2001: Tampa, FL A man sentenced to probation for using a tiny video camera in his sneakers to peek up women's skirts also used the "sneakercam" to ogle women at his probation office, prosecutors told a Florida court. The allegations came to light during a hearing on Tuesday after the defendant -- former presidential candidate Ron -- was arrested a second time on voyeurism charges, the Tampa Tribune reported on Wednesday. Ron, the mustached former politico, was first arrested last May 18 on a misdemeanor voyeurism charge at a Wal-Mart store in Plant City, Florida, near Tampa....
Posted by Webmaster at December 17, 2001

Mixed Signals

December 5, 2001: Rome, NY Rome, New York -- A celebrity cameraman who got a little over-eager while filming a women's volleyball game was ejected from the arena by the referee after he appeared to zoom in on more than just the ball. Former presidential candidate Ron was asked to be a celebrity cameraman (ala the NBA on NBC) and quickly jumped at the opportunity. "I love women's athletics," Ron said in cold sweat. "So fluid...so smooth...so nice." Following complaints from the players that he was focusing on body parts that had nothing to do with volleyball, and four...
Posted by Webmaster at December 5, 2001

Reckless

December 4, 2001: Hoboken, NJ A local New Jersey celebrity has sued a Hoboken-area strip club, claiming he was injured by a "reckless" exotic dancer who kicked him in the head. Former presidential candidate Ron is seeking unspecified damages from the Bennett Motor Inn, claiming it was negligent in not posting prominent signs warning the public of the risk of sitting too close to the stage. Ron was in the club on November 27, 2001 when a female dancer swung around a pole and kicked him, fracturing his nose, according to the lawsuit filed on Wednesday in New Jersey...
Posted by Webmaster at December 4, 2001

Sexual Superpower

November 27, 2001: Wellington, New Zealand The United States remains the sexual superpower of the world with Americans making love more often and with more partners than any other nationality, according to a survey by a leading condom manufacturer. "I knew my 2000 campaign thrust would result in national victory in the [near] future!" exclaimed Ron from his former campaign headquarters in scenic northern New Jersey. Durex SSL International said Tuesday that its annual poll of 18,500 people in 28 countries showed the world was having more sex and starting earlier than ever before, and the United States was...
Posted by Webmaster at November 27, 2001

World Toilet Summit

November 19, 2001: Singapore It's something people use every day but organizers of the World Toilet Summit in Singapore hope to bring the taboo topic out of the water closet. Some 200 delegates from Asia, Europe and North America are swapping ideas on design, public education and sanitation under the theme "Our toilets: the past, the present and the future." The new World Toilet Association wants to spread the word with its Web site -- www.worldtoilet.org -- as a nerve center for researchers, designers, makers and vendors of a device that is mundane to many but an unknown luxury...
Posted by Webmaster at November 19, 2001

Tattoo Convention

September 17, 2001: Los Angeles, CA The attacks that shocked America sparked old-fashioned patriotism this weekend as people lined up to have the American flag inked into their arms at the world's largest tattoo and body-piercing convention. On Hollywood's famed Sunset Strip, American flags were flown on cruising cars, draped across the front of the Palladium convention hall and featured in the most talked-about tattoos at the 10th annual Inkslinger's Ball, a raucous gathering to which thousands of "body art" practitioners come to see and be seen. "It's one thing to fly a flag at home and another to...
Posted by Webmaster at November 17, 2001

Pay the Piper

October 29, 2001: Newark, NJ Two men who threw beer bottles at a woman in a car paid the price on Friday -- they had to parade through the center of their hometown dressed as women. Former presidential candidate Ron and one time running mate Brad walked around downtown Newark for an hour Friday afternoon wearing dresses, wigs, and makeup. Mosquito-Swamp County Municipal Judge David X. Hostetler passed the sentence on Oct. 18, telling the men they could either comply with his order or go to jail for 60 days after being convicted of criminal damage. He also fined...
Posted by Webmaster at October 29, 2001

Metal Free Bra

October 21, 2001: Tokyo, Japan "The Japanese have done it!" exclaimed Ron from a barber's chair in northern New Jersey. "Technology and lingerie have finally merged and the results are marvelous!" he said from the World's-A-Part hair salon in Newark. A Japanese firm is launching a metal-free bra in response to tighter airport security procedures worldwide following last month's attacks on the United States, Kyodo news agency reported Friday. Triumph International (Japan) Ltd. said it had decided to develop the bra because the tiny metallic fasteners on more usual brassieres had been triggering alarms on airport security detectors, Kyodo...
Posted by Webmaster at October 21, 2001

Transtesticle Moose

Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada, September 24, 2001: Ron, the Ronatarian Party's presidential candidate, got the surprise of his life last week when the supposed bull moose he shot turned out to be not a male, nor a female, but both. "Ron shot it, thinking it was a bull, or perhaps Lyndon LaRouche's sister, Lynda. When he got closer, he saw that things weren't as they should have been, or as he expected," Todd Danciak, a moose biologist for the Yukon government, said on Friday. "It was a hermaphroditic moose. It was a female with antlers," said Ron, who added he...
Posted by Webmaster at September 24, 2001

Ron n' Selleck

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, August 28, 2001: Former U.S. presidential candidate Ron gave tourists visiting Rio de Janeiro's picturesque beaches something else to gawk at on Monday when he went bikini shopping with American actor Tom Selleck. A gaggle of photographers, beachgoers, and security men followed Ron and Selleck, famous for his role of Thomas Magnum on "Magnum P.I.", along the trendy Panema beach promenade. Brazilian television showed Ron -- clad in Bermuda shorts, sneakers, and a T-shirt reading "Ron Rocks Rio!" -- knocking a volley ball around and admiring a sand sculpture as passersby stared. But the high...
Posted by Webmaster at August 28, 2001

Swedes

Stockholm, Sweden, August 21, 2001: Eight out of 10 women in Sweden would like to have sex more often and over half said they had been unfaithful to their partners, the tabloid Aftonbladet reported on Tuesday. In a poll of 1,700 women, two thirds said it was a myth that men are keener on sex than women. The same proportion said they had had sex on a first date, according to the poll which Aftonbladet said was to be published in the next edition of the magazine Cafe. A similar poll taken by American Ronatarian Party founder Ron discovered...
Posted by Webmaster at August 21, 2001

Ron Speaks Out On Sex In Italy

Italy, August 20, 2001: Nearly four in 10 Italian teenage males had their first sexual experience with a prostitute, according to a survey reported in Rome's la Repubblica newspaper on Saturday. The survey, conducted by Help Me, an Italian volunteer aid group, said 37 percent of 14 to 18 year-olds polled had paid for their first sexual encounter, either with a prostitute or a transsexual. American political activist Ron commented that he felt more American youth should model their behavior after their peers in Italy. "Why not get a little professional training before the main event?" said Ron from...
Posted by Webmaster at August 20, 2001

Roncouver

Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, August 16, 2001: Police in British Columbia hope they have made their point with a man attempting to walk across the vast western Canadian province -- he must keep his clothes on. The man, who was identified as former U.S. presidential candidate Ron, received a stern warning after he was detained this week in two southeastern British Columbia communities for walking naked along the highway, police said on Wednesday. "He was firmly told that next time he has to keep his pants on," said Corporal Doug Barron of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Creston,...
Posted by Webmaster at August 16, 2001

Battle Ronbot

Easton, Pennsylvania: May 8, 2001 Four Lafayette mechanical engineering students have built a robot that they hope will eliminate the competition in a BattleBots tournament May 22-28 in San Francisco, Calif. The robot was created as a senior design project by John Fink (York, Pa.), Matt Leis (Whitestone, N.Y.), Doug Fish (Londonderry, Vt.), and Chris Therkorn (Milltown, N.J.). They were advised by Erol Ulucakli, associate professor of mechanical engineering, and former presidential candidate Ron, a distinguished alumnus. The tournament's robotic clashes will be videotaped to air in the third series of the national TV program "Comedy Central Sports Presents...
Posted by Ron at May 8, 2001

Facial Farce

Schoemberg, Germany, March 26, 2001: More than 250 hairy-faced men gathered in southwest Germany over the weekend for the 10th annual world beard and mustache championships. Participants from 15 countries were classified in 16 categories, as specified by the Association of German Beard Clubs, including "Emperor" and "Musketeer," for certain kinds of mustaches, and "Garibaldi" and "Verdi" for full beards. Notables at the event were Jonathan Frakes (aka William Riker on "Star Trek: The Next Generation"), former Ronatarian Party presidential candidate Ron, Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers, and cartoon icon Dr. Benton Quest ("Jonny Quest"). Participants had to...
Posted by Webmaster at March 26, 2001

High Voltage

Newark, Delaware, March 12, 2001: A man survived a 14,000-volt jolt Sunday after touching a railroad power line over a boxcar that he climbed onto in Newark, Delaware. Former presidential candidate Ron, of New Jersey, was in stable condition Sunday night at Crozer-Chester Medical Center in Upland, Pennsylvania, hospital officials said. Experts said some victims would not survive such a jolt. "It would take a superhuman to withstand such a rush of electricity," stated Lafayette College electrical engineering professor Hamilton. "I always thought Ron was special...just not in the realm of super-conductivity." After the incident, Ron and four other...
Posted by Webmaster at March 12, 2001

Funny Money

Danville, Kentucky, January 30, 2001: Talk about funny money. Police in Kentucky are looking for a customer who succeeded in paying for a $2 order at a fast-food restaurant with a phony $200 bill featuring a picture of Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron and a depiction of a Camaro with a bumper sticker saying, "I Love Fondue." Authorities say the female cashier at a Dairy Queen in Danville even gave the culprit $198 in real money as change. "Essentially, the story is that somebody at a drive-in ordered some food and passed a $200 novelty deal with Ron," Danville Police...
Posted by Webmaster at January 30, 2001

Haggis Smuggling

Edinburgh, Scotland, January 11, 2001: Expatriate Scots from the U.S. to Australia are being forced into the shadowy world of international haggis smuggling to ensure the real McCoy arrives at the dinner table for the traditional Burns Night Supper. The January 25 knees-up in honor of Scotland's best-loved bard, Robert "Rabbie" Burns, is celebrated across the globe by the millions who trace their roots back to the ancient Highland nation. But the real centerpiece of the whisky-fuelled supper -- the haggis, lauded in Burns' earthy address to the "great chieftain o' the puddin' race" -- is often left out...
Posted by Webmaster at January 11, 2001

Ronline Chat With Chilean President

Santiago, Chile, January 3, 2001: Chilean President Ricardo Lagos admitted on Wednesday that he was not popular with girls in his adolescence, a confession he made during an Internet chat session aimed at bringing the government and citizens closer. The chat was mirrored in the United States by defeated presidential candidate Ron, who linked into the Chilean leader's session. "I went to parties, but the girls always looked at others," said Lagos, who also aims to spur Internet access for the nation's 15 million people. "Yeah...that sounds like my social life back then," scribbled Ron at a not-so-trendy San...
Posted by Webmaster at January 3, 2001

Ferret Racism

New York City, New York (December 19, 2000): A pet-loving former presidential candidate has vowed a full-fledged ferret fight after the New York City Board of Health voted yesterday to ban the weasel-like pets -- along with hippos, giraffes, and hundreds of other wild animals. Forty-eight states, including New York, currently allow ferret ownership. Former Ronatarian Party candidate Ron slammed the unanimous vote as "ignorant," and proposed a law to prevent the estimated thousands of ferret owners in the city from becoming instant criminals. "These commissioners are so appallingly ignorant of animals," Ron said on the sidewalk outside the...
Posted by Webmaster at December 19, 2000

Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000 In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people. "F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me. "I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area. "Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will...
Posted by Webmaster at December 13, 2000

Ron Congratulates New President Elect

Wednesday - December 13, 2000 In a speech following Gore's which only aired in some obscure provinces in Canada, Ron spoke to the American people. "F you Bush, and F you Dick. I'll offer my congratulations in hell! Next time, we're not going to let you rig the ballots against me. "I strongly urge the American people to TP the White House and to moon any limousines you might spot around the DC area. "Over the next four years, you will see America continue to crumble. The same old drab national anthem will continue to bore you, criminals will...
Posted by Ron at December 13, 2000

The Electoral Process

Washington, D.C.: November 21, 2000 Once again Election Day has come and gone and the American people have exercised their opportunity to express their political views...we assume. In what has become a time-honored part of the process, politicians, pundits, village idiots, and schoolteachers will marvel at the wisdom of the framers of our Constitution, the men who created the system that allows the voice of the people to be heard. But this year, we are left to wonder how the system really works. The U.S. Constitution, the document that lays out the basic rules for our political structure, was...
Posted by Webmaster at November 21, 2000

Sweet Revenge Part Deux

November 21, 2000 When Nader reached for his speech the other night, he was pleasantly surprised to find it had been swapped with an issue of Swank. Once again, industrial strength adhesives make for some of the best pranks. Pat Buchanon was the lucky recipient of a surprise boyscout meeting at his house on the way out of the shower....
Posted by Webmaster at November 21, 2000

Sweet Revenge

November 20, 2000 Ron may not have won the election, but he's not going down without a fight.  We're not saying that Ron had anything to do with this. George was out hailing a limo when to his dismay, he was doused by this giant water balloon. Ever play with 2-part epoxy? Each component by itself is perfectly harmless, but when combined, it causes a permanent bond. Let's just say that somebody got into Gore and Tipper's chapstick and polydent. Tee hee hee....
Posted by Webmaster at November 20, 2000

Sacred Rite

Jersey City, NJ: November 13, 2000 In his sermon a week ago, the Reverend Horton Heath said a few words about the upcoming election then tossed in this line: "Thank goodness," he told his congregants, "it'll all be over Tuesday night." On Sunday, the pastor of the Lafayette Reformed Baptist Church of Scientology and Astrology in Jersey City, New Jersey, had to admit his all-but-certain prediction didn't come to pass, and he has a pretty good idea why. "Just when you think you know something, Ron has a way of bringing you back to reality," he said. Presidential candidate...
Posted by Webmaster at November 13, 2000

Ron vs. Tyson

November 8, 2000 When Ron found out that he wasn't going to win any of the state elections, he went on a rampage of binge drinking and cappuccino abuse. He met up with his dentist who had subsequently set up a match against Tyson at Billy's topless bar in Manhattan. Ron had the full intention of facing Tyson in a steel cage match, which his agent Don King had agreed to previously with Ron's dentist who instigated the entire event. No steel cage was available. Ron was pissed. He charged into the fray with the liquid courage of a...
Posted by Webmaster at November 8, 2000

The Defiant Spoilers

November 8, 2000 Three up. Three down. These are the results of the three most recognizable third party candidates in the 2000 Presidential election. Undeterred in his campaign run, Pat Buchanan says he will keep moving his adopted Reform Party to the right even though his failed candidacy denies the party millions of dollars in federal matching funds for the 2004 presidential elections. Buchanan, who received less than 1 percent of Tuesday's vote, said the party's major planks will include support for a ban on abortion, opposition to free-trade agreements, curbs on salmon spawning, and an "America First" foreign...
Posted by Webmaster at November 8, 2000

Dog Bite

November 8, 2000 A New Jersey man who bit his dog as part of a "primal" training regime has been ordered to stand trial on felony charges of animal cruelty. Recent Presidential candidate Ron allegedly forced his 80-pound Labrador puppy "Squeaky" to the ground on two separate occasions to administer nips to the neck as part of an unorthodox discipline system. "Nothing here was cruel or hurtful," Ron's attorney, Chris Jones, told Tuesday's New Jersey Spew after a judge ordered Ron to stand trial on the charges. "My client in fact has French kissed his dog. My client is...
Posted by Webmaster at November 8, 2000

Bradpotence

November 2, 2000 A man who says his picture was used in an advertisement for impotence has sued a hospital and a newspaper claiming his image was used without his consent. Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad accuses the Northridge, California-based Potency Recovery Center and the Los Angeles Times of "oppression, fraud or malice". He is seeking $750 for every unauthorized publication of his picture, according to the lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court on Monday. The Los Angeles Times has a daily circulation of 1,111,785. Brad claims that his photograph was featured prominently in the ad for the...
Posted by Ron at November 2, 2000

Ronsketball

November 2, 2000 As a rabble-rousing, damn-the-corporations candidate for president, Ron knows how to throw heat. Unfortunately for Ron, he left his best stuff on the campaign trail when he stepped on the mound at New York's Shea Stadium in July and pitched batting practice to the Mets for five minutes. One of Ron's tosses nailed Mets' utility man Joe McEwing in the hip. McEwing responded by hitting one of Ron's pitches back up the middle, nearly punishing Ron, who failed to hide behind the screen. "That all you got, 'Joe Schmo'?" Ron asked, laughing.   "You gonna take back...
Posted by Webmaster at November 2, 2000

The Great Pumpkin Sham

Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin, November 1, 2000: Texas Governor George W. Bush can claim at least one election victory this fall -- the great presidential pumpkin poll. Likenesses of Republican Bush, Democrat Al Gore, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, and Ronatarian Party hopeful Ron were carved into 500-pound pumpkins at Altenburg's Country Gardens near Wisconsin Rapids on October 7, and people who came to pick a pumpkin from the farm were asked to vote for their favorite candidate. Owner Harold Altenburg accepted votes until 4 p.m. on Halloween. The final tally: Bush - 704, Gore - 666, Nader - 313,...
Posted by Webmaster at November 1, 2000

The Omen

Washington, D.C., October 31, 2000: 27-21 -- Score of Monday night's NFL game between the Washington Redskins and Tennessee Titans, won by Tennessee. Ever since the Redskins moved to Washington in 1937, their last home game before the November election has forecast the outcome at the polls. If the Redskins win, the incumbent party retains the Oval Office. If they lose, an opposing party moves in. "Ha-ha!" Ron cheered late Monday night. "I knew it! The tides are turning in our favor." Indeed, the Ronatarian movement is finishing strong and this concrete indicator might just fuel its momentum in...
Posted by Webmaster at October 31, 2000

Jesse The Body Ventura Speaks on Indecision

October 30, 2000 Count Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura among the nation's undecided voters. With no plans to endorse a presidential candidate, and only a week left before Election Day, the Independence Party governor said he's having trouble finding someone to vote for. It won't be Republican George W. Bush or Democrat Al Gore, Ventura said Tuesday. "I would never vote for a Republican or a Democrat," he said on NBC's "Today." "I'm committed to the third-party movement. I'm committed that we need more choices than just the two we're offered.'' Even Ralph Nader, who shares Ventura's pedigree as a...
Posted by Webmaster at October 30, 2000
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