June 14, 2014:
We at Ron Headquarters receive many letters from adoring fans, lunatics, Republicans, billiard aficionados, and haters. While our communications team typically just uses a circular filing system to process unsolicited correspondence sent to Ron, once in a while a letter or picture strikes a chord.
Ron's handlers and volunteer supporters found this note and attached picture to be particularly heartwarming. I'll let the admirer's words speak for themselves:
I used to not give a flying [expletive] about politics or religion or animal rights. Then I met my boyfriend -- yes, I'm a homo. He opened up my world to Judeo-Christian morals, anal beads, and his pet dog, Butch.
Butch is a lovable pug whose breath typically makes me wretch and whose personality can be described as "devilish." But my boyfriend loves him dearly and since I have an unhealthy obsession with my boyfriend, I, in turn, love the dog.
While lovemaking earlier this week, I was the bottom in a floor-based "sexcapade." Butch was excited and worried about the rough play and loud grunting. He kept circling and putting himself in my face. That's when I noticed his anus. Well, technically, I had noticed it before. (Pugs have upturned tails so I see the [expletive] thing all the [expletive] time!) But I never really took a good look at it. I blinked twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Butch's butthole has a face!
Well, I clenched my sphincter and screamed in double-ecstasy when I realized Butch's "second face" was one familiar to me. It was Ron!
How did Ron's mustached face end up on my boyfriend's dog's [anus]? Are mysterious forces at work? Is this a sign that Ron is mounting another run at the presidency in 2016? Please help me to understand!
Sincerely yours, Troy A. (Newark, Delaware)
Thank you, good sir. While I cannot speak knowledgeably of the supernatural, I can only say that Ron is a being that cannot be fully understood. He is presumably everywhere, but often hard to find. Once found, he is often difficult to understand.
I cannot interpret your Ron sighting. I cannot speak for Ron. All I can do is inform you that Ron works in mysterious ways. Is he planning to run for president again in the future? Only time -- and Ron -- will tell.
Please keep a lookout for Ron in the world around you.
Posted by Bittle at 12:48 PM