Poem

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

- P. J. O'Rourke

Posted by Bittle at 01:09 AM

Latke Gravitas

Lake Grove, New York, December 22, 2008:

That's a lot of latkes. A failed New Jersey politician has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove.

Before the contest, the erstwhile presidential candidate said: "These things smell [expletive] terrible...I just want to shove 'em down my gullet as fast as I can so I don't have to taste 'em."

Association of Independent Competitive Eaters Chairman Arnie Chapman says Ron demolished the contest's previous record of 31 latkes, set in 2006.

When told of his record-breaking feat, Ron just took a deep breath, shook his head, covered his mouth, and ran to the nearest restroom.

Brooklyn college student Will Millender took second place Sunday with 29 latkes.

The pancakes are a traditional treat for Hanukkah, the eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights. It started Sunday evening.

Posted by Bittle at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)

Lord of the Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 19, 2008:

Police are investigating after a man leaving his house on Thursday morning found a frozen pig head stuck on top of a pole next to a tree in his yard.

Former presidential candidate Ron said the sight terrified his roommate Brad.

"Damn thing spooked Brad...he ran back inside crying," Ron said. "Now I have to go to the bar alone."

Jersey City Police Sgt. Jim Watson said evidence suggests the head had been there just a few hours. Watson said if the person who left the head is caught, he could be charged with misdemeanor disturbing the peace.

Ron said his yard has been a target for vandalism and theft in the past but that he's not worried about incident.

"These [people] just want a piece of what I got," said Ron, who lost the 2000, 2004, and 2008 presidential elections by enormous margins. "It's probably just some [people] trying to ride my coattails...I get it all the time."

Ron has not announced whether he plans to run again in 2012.

Posted by Bittle at 05:45 AM | Comments (0)

Poem

There's no "I" in "team" -- at least not
since I got kicked off the team for drinking.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:51 AM

Whack & Cheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 24, 2008

A recently unemployed man faced a domestic assault charge after he allegedly attacked his roommate on Saturday for making him macaroni for dinner. Investigator Dale Matuszczak said the victim called for help after locking himself in a bathroom.

"He sounded awfully upset in there," said Matuszczak. "He also sounded like a little bitch...whining like a girl and crying hysterically."

The two roommates in the investigation were identified as losing presidential ticket Ron and Brad (Ronatarian Party).

Matuszczak said Brad had apparently been hit with a wet noodle, suffering a minor bruise on his nose.

"He didn't react well to the contact," Matuszczak said. "He sort of panicked...like a sissy would."

According to the police report, Ron was intoxicated and assaulted Brad when he discovered he made macaroni for his dinner. Food was tossed around the house as Ron flung wet noodles and croutons at Brad.

It has been widely reported that in the waning stages of the 2008 presidential campaign, the Ronatarians were so low on cash that they resorted to eating cheap store-brand macaroni and cheese at all meals. Apoparently, Ron had reached a breaking point and let his frustrations fly at the unfortunate Brad.

Ron was initially arrested and charged with second-degree domestic assault, but those charges were dropped by Brad and the overworked Jersey City Police.

Posted by Bittle at 02:50 PM | Comments (0)

Concession

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 5, 2008:

There is no goddamn way Ron is conceding this election to anyone...Obama, McCain, even that prick Bob Barr! The fight continues!

Suck on that America! Ron 2012!

Posted by Bittle at 07:21 AM | Comments (2)

Vote

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM | Comments (1)