Q: Does Ron think the Mayas accurately predicted the end of the world to come on December 21, 2012? If so, what does he plan to do about it?

A: The simple answer -- i.e. the one Brad understands -- is no. Ron does not believe the Mayas had a solid enough dialog with Itzamna, the chief deity of their religious pantheon, plus an accurate enough time-recording system to pull off a prognostication like this one.

"It's absurd," Ron once said. "Only a simpleton like Brad would believe this kind of hokum. We humans will be fine and dandy for at least another thousand years or so. F*ck the Mayas!"

So, what to do with this new (extended) perspective on life? How should we of the modern age celebrate?

Once again, Ron has your answer: "Drink!"

"You can dismiss all of the hocus pocus and celebrate the arrival of 2012. But if you want to pay tribute to the Mayas, propose a toast at midnight to the god of wine Acan. His name actually means 'belch' so be sure to let 'em rip at 12:01!"

Happy New Year!

Posted by Bittle at 04:05 PM | Comments (0)

Poem

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
Get a man hammered on Jagermeister at the company
holiday party and you can talk him into eating
tropical fish from the reception room aquarium.

(Tristan Fabriani) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:18 PM

Poem

5> Family visit!
Mulling whether to dress up
or open a vein.

4> "Legolas" my ass!
Get back to your workstation,
stupid little elf.

3> I drum for Mistress.
My reward: "Come," she tells me.
Pa-rum-pa-pum-PUM!

2> "Reindeer games," you say?
Stop picking on Rudolph NOW,
you reindeer bullies!

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Holiday Season Haiku...

1> Maxed out my credit,
children still hated their gifts.
Shalom! Now we're Jews!

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:55 PM

Q: Does Ron's mustache make him more likely to commit crimes?

A: Short answer: No. Short answer with more letters: Maybe. Look, Ron's mustache is not captured by this simplistic graphic. Ron's mustache is unique to itself. It is an entity. It cannot be quantified.

We know Ron has the capacity to love and drink beer and want to change the world for the better. But we are also aware of Ron's many foibles and propensity to lash out in anger.

This chart is more for the casual mustache person. A man -- or perhaps an Eastern European woman -- can gauge his potential tendency to do good or evil. We dare not predict Ron's future actions. Even his inner circle won't go out on a limb like that. Ron is who Ron is. His mustache makes him stronger...more powerful. With great power comes great responsibility. With Ron's mustache comes great leadership.

Posted by Bittle at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)

Ronstache Day 2011

It's Ronstache Day! Get out there and enjoy yourself with a mustache...like this mother and son in Wilmington, North Carolina!

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 06:01 AM

Duffer Dog

San Martin, California, October 10, 2011:

A male spectator ran onto a green shouting Tiger Woods' name and then threw a hot dog at him Sunday during the final round of the Frys.com Open in Northern California.

The man was quickly subdued and Woods was not in any danger. In fact, within a minute, he had settled back over the putt he was attempting.

"I looked up and the hot dog was in the air," Woods said of the incident that occurred on the seventh hole, his 16th of the day. "(The fan) wanted to be in the news. I guess he is now."

The tournament's director of security, Dan Diggins, identified the hot dog thrower as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron. "He's just an idiot," Diggins said. He added the wanna-be politico didn't get within 40 feet of Woods, who was finishing up the Frys.com Open with a final-round 68.

Sgt. Jose Cardoza of the Santa Clara County police department said the mustached suspect was arrested and charged with disturbing the peace, a misdemeanor. He was escorted from the property.

All charges were later dropped and expunged from the official police records after a phone call from a wealthy and powerful Ronatarian Party donor, who remains anonymous.

"Ron was very cooperative," Cardoza said. "They said, 'Why did you do this?' He just shook his head in guilt or remorse. He didn't give a reason why he did it."

Cardoza said Ron claims he wasn't throwing the hot dog at Woods, rather tossing it in the air. He said Ron acknowledged having "a drink or seven" earlier in the day, but that he was not visibly drunk.

Posted by Bittle at 09:48 AM | Comments (0)

Poem

You won't find the answers to life's
problems at the bottom of a bottle. You
get to them through the opening at the top.

(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:26 PM