Ron. He's your ideal presidential candidate and he's with the Ronatarian Party. With his running mate, Brad, they are an unstoppable political force.
Jersey City, New Jersey, October 26, 2016:
After leaving the Royale With Sleeze strip club on East Badaboom Drive, the leader of the Ronatarian Party fell out of his car while it was moving...and it ran over his leg, the New Jersey State Police said.
The incident was reported to NJSP at about 2:41 a.m. Tuesday.
NJSP said witnesses told them Ron did not appear to be intoxicated as he was leaving the club.
Witnesses said Ron and his cohorts were discussing fiscal policy late into the night while flicking wadded-up dollar bills at the dancers. Early in the morning, high on political empowerment, he got into his famed Camaro and started it up.
Troopers said Ron fell out of the Camaro as he tried to drive away and the car ran over his leg.
The car then rolled down the street, hit a ditch, and crashed into a home on Lafayette Highway, officials said.
A woman was sleeping in the room where the car came to a stop, and her son Adam Lara said it was a miracle she survived.
"It felt like a bomb exploding," said Lara. "My mom sleeps right there next to the window. She would've been dead if that ditch wasn't there."
The impact knocked her out of bed, and Lara said she has a strained neck.
"One of the security guards came running and my mom opened the door. They asked her, 'Are you OK?'" said Lara.
Barbara Trujillo, 58, was taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, the NJSP said.
"I'm really angry because he could've killed my mom. Plus his politics are abhorrent," said Lara.
Ron retorted that Lara's claims were "bogus" and that his "coffers [are] full enough to cover the expenses."
Authorities said party founder and talisman Ron is well known at the strip club. His leg appears to be fine and Ron says he'll "be good as new by the weekend. Then it's back to the club!"
Damages to the Camaro are modest and Ron assured those within earshot that his "baby would be purring again real soon."
NJSP said charges are not pending, as Ron has owned up to the accident and has offered restitution to the woman.
Posted by Bittle at 11:30 AM
"Listen to this, Vlad...Ron had the audacity to pull my finger without first asking! By the many arms of Durga, he will be vanquished!"
"I'm sick and tired of playing phone tag with you, Ron."
"Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching Ron...and that pansy Sting!"
"If only my mother loved me as much as Ron promised Brad would..."
"Ron tried to push that dildo up my ass, but he only got it in this far. What a capitalist weakling!"
I wouldn’t have paid that much
for a lap dance if I knew she was
going to do the Chicken Dance.
(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com
Posted by Bittle at 09:51 AM
Jersey City, New Jersey, September 29, 2016:
A New Jersey wanna-be politician is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 10-foot python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using the toilet.
Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was smiling as television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Jersey City were testimony to his ordeal.
The 40-something politico told The New Jersey Spew that he struggled to remove the snake for 30 minutes Wednesday before he managed to free himself with help from his running mate Brad and some constituents. After Brad tied a rope around the snake, Ron pried open its jaws before passing out.
Emergency workers dismantled the "heavily soiled" toilet, with the python still twined through it. The snake was taken away to be "made into some goddamn boots," according to Ron. (Animal control agents refute this claim and insist the snake will not be harmed.)
Oddly enough, this is not the first time Ron has been attacked by a snake while on the commode (Toilet Snake).
Doctors said Ron, bloodied but unbowed, will recover.
"He has a lot of fight in him...even though his 'partner' was a weeping idiot. Ron's been smiling and giving interviews all day from his bed," hospital director Dr. Chris Jones said.
Posted by Bittle at 09:32 AM
There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera.
Boris Johnson -- UK Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Posted by Bittle at 01:43 PM
I got kicked out of my charades club
for "gratuitous" nudity. But without
disrobing and flopping, how would
anybody have guessed "Elephant Man?"
(Dan Burt) @ruminate.com
Posted by Bittle at 01:43 PM
Saw a headline: "Scandal Rocks Vatican."
If the Pope really wants to appeal
to young people, he needs to
get newer bands than that.
(The Covert Comic) @ruminate.com
Posted by Bittle at 12:22 PM