Poem

Behind every successful man is
a strong woman, except for the man
who invented that talking sex robot.

(Chuck Bonner) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:56 PM

Dick Pipe

Newark, New Jersey, January 28, 2010:

Doctors and nurses at Newark Beth Israel Medical Center struggled to get a man's penis out of a stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted to calling in the Newark Fire Department.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from the Mulberry Street station and seven firefighters to help. One fireman understatedly described the situation a "delicate operation."

The firefighters used a four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.

The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad -- did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis when he presented himself at the hospital's Emergency Room on Wednesday morning. He was said to be "quite concerned and anxious."

A Newark Fire Department spokesman said: "It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting."

"It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I hope [Brad] won't be getting into that situation again. But you can 'never say never' when dealing with the likes of these people on the fringes of society."

Shift manager Greg Garrett from the Lincoln Avenue fire station told The New Jersey Spew: "I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence."

Posted by Bittle at 01:57 PM | Comments (1)

Poem

Next time I go back to that biker bar, I'm
bringing my friends along to help me out.
Sure, they might laugh at *one*, but I
bet those chain-swinging morons would
cower before *three* Jedi knights.

(Hugh Ringling) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:55 PM

Stomp The Yard

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 13, 2010:

A man was released from jail on charges he threatened a neighbor who had disturbed him by stomping snow from his feet outside his own house. Police said 46-year-old John Cocktosten was released on bond Tuesday following his arrest Saturday.

Officers said Cocktosten brandished a shotgun and threatened Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron who had been stomping snow from his feet around 7 a.m. Saturday.

According to The New Jersey Spew, Cocktosten told police the stomping awakened someone else who was sleeping at his place.

Cocktosten was charged with aggravated assault. A spokeswoman at the jail did not know Tuesday if he had an attorney.

Ron refused to comment for this story.

Posted by Bittle at 06:49 AM | Comments (0)

Mister Ron Candies

January 4, 2010:

Now the confectionary world has latched on to Ron's burgeoning popularity by making Mister Ron candies. I was privileged to sample a Christmas candy over the holidays and found it irresistibly delicious!

If only the rest of America would put a piece of Ron in its mouth, we'd continue to promulgate our message across this great land. The Ronatarian Party movement would swell with growth and pride.

Please do your part and promote this product in your hometown and beyond.

- Bittle

Posted by Bittle at 02:23 PM | Comments (0)

Poem

Ron is Home and I Think He's Drunk

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why;

Ron is home and I think he's drunk.

He's walkin' real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think
He’s shaved in two weeks,

Ron is home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of Brad's money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo.... You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Ron is home and I think he's...
Ron is home and boy is he...

Ron is home and he's really drunk!

Posted by Bittle at 08:39 AM

The Daily Show with Ron Stewart

"Ron" Stewart and "Ron" Hodgeman discuss America faking its own death during the December 15, 2009 broadcast of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (Comedy Central). Notice how they both sport mustaches while calling themselves "Ron" -- an obvious homage to Ron's fervent political movement.

Ronatarianism has clawed its way into the forefront American society. Ron is here to stay. Deal with it, bitches!

Posted by Bittle at 08:46 AM | Comments (0)