Poem

I can't seem to narrow down the exact
point at which my delusions of grandeur
turned into delusions of adequacy.

(Marco C.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:27 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Poem

I never liked the term "family jewels."
It implies that the rest of my kin have
a share in my testicles. They don't,
though -– I have a strict rule about that.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:54 PM

Poem

I think the strongest argument in favor of
intelligent design is that every time you
poop, it comes out looking like poop, never
something random like a flower or a hedgehog.

(Kim Moser) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 04:40 PM

Emergencheese

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 27, 2013:

A New Jersey man got the attention of local police after he tried to order a cheeseburger by calling 911 nine times.

According to The New Jersey Spew, aspiring local politician Ron has reportedly had past run-ins with police. However, this incident may be the most bizarre.

Ron reportedly made the nine phone calls in just 90 minutes inquiring about a cheeseburger. Despite the series of strange calls, the dispatcher was reportedly concerned Ron was calling because he hadn’t eaten food in a long time. Eventually, Jersey City police showed up at Ron’s home to investigate and stop the repeated calling.

A partial transcript of the exchange between Ron and the 911 dispatcher who spoke with him was published by The New Jersey Spew:

Dispatcher: Do you have an emergency sir, because you dialed 911.
Ron: I dialed 911.

Dispatcher: Yeah you dialed 911...

Dispatcher: OK, so why did you call 911 for, what do you need.
Dispatcher: Do you have an emergency?
Ron: A cheeseburger.
Dispatcher: Have a good day.

Ron then called back into the emergency phone line.

Dispatcher: 911, Your emergency.
Ron: Yeah, I just [expletive] spoke with you. You [expletive] hung up on me!
Dispatcher: Well I asked if you had an emergency. You said no, you needed a cheeseburger. So we don't take cheeseburger orders.

And still, Ron calls back demanding a cheeseburger from the dispatcher.

Dispatcher: You know if you give me some information maybe we can try and help you out.

And finally, the dispatcher was on the phone with Ron when the authorities arrived on the scene.

Dispatcher: You hear them knocking?
Ron: What am I...deaf? I hear 'em!

The police apparently did not arrive with cheeseburgers in hand. But they also have yet to formally charge Ron over the series of 911 calls. Instead, they gave him a stern lecture about needlessly tying up the 911 emergency phone system.

Ultimately, it is unknown whether Ron managed to procure a cheeseburger or not.

Posted by Bittle at 10:13 AM | Comments (0)

Poem

I hate winter. By the time spring
arrives, my nipples have worn holes
through all my favorite shirts.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 04:09 PM

Crystal Clear

Merida, Mexico, December 21, 2012:

The crystal skulls have spoken: The world is not going to end.

American seer Star Johnsen-Moser led a whooping, dancing, drum-beating ceremony Thursday in the heart of Mayan territory to consult several of the life-sized crystal skulls, which adherents claim were passed down by the ancient Maya. The skulls weren't the only inheritances left by the ancient civilization that have been making waves this week: The supposed end of the Maya long-count calendar on Friday has prompted a wave of doomsday speculation across the globe.

"This is not the end of the world, this is the beginning of the new world," Johnsen-Moser said at a gathering of hundreds of spiritualists at a convention center in Merida. "It is most important that we hold a positive, beautiful reality for ourselves and our planet. ...Fear is out of place."

The supposed 5 a.m. Friday doomsday hour already had arrived in several parts of the world with no sign of the apocalypse. The social network Imgur posted photos of clocks turning midnight in the Asia-Pacific region with messages such as: "The world has not ended. Sincerely, New Zealand."

In Merida, the celebration of the cosmic dawn began with a fumbling of the sacred fire meant to honor the calendar's conclusion.

Ron, an American politico who is also guardian of the flame, burned his finger on the kindling and later had to scoop up a burning log that was knocked out of the ceremonial brazier onto the wooden stage. Still, the white-clad Ron was convinced that it was a good start, as he was joined by about 1,000 other shamans, seers, stargazers, crystal enthusiasts, yogis, bonadios, sufis, and swamis at the convention center about an hour and a half from the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza. Set up in the conference's exhibition hall were dozens of booths, where in addition to having your aura photographed with "Chi" light, you can buy mandalas, get a shamanic cleansing, develop your "golden light," and buy sandals, herbs, Busch Light cans, and whole-grain baked goods. Cleansing here is done studiously and repeatedly, and usually involves have copal incense waved around one's body.

Visitors also could learn the art of healing drumming with a Mexican Otomi Indian master who calls himself Dabradi Bradayroyadi and says his slender, hand-held, plate-sized drums are made with prayers embedded into them. Not all seers endorse the celebration. Mexico's self-styled "brujo mayor," or chief soothsayer, Antonio Nipilus Sheaquez, warned followers to stay away from all gatherings on Friday, saying, "We have to beware of mass psychosis" that could lead to stampedes or "mass suicides, of the kind we've seen before."

But optimism was the theme of most of the celebrations. "This is the beginning of a change in priorities and perceptions. We are all one," said Eduardo Perrino, a Mexico City garbageman who dabbles in veterinary sciences. "We are in a frequency of love, we are in a new vibration. No limits, no boundaries, no nationalities, just fusion."

Posted by Bittle at 09:03 AM | Comments (0)

Poem

As much as there is no "I" in team, the next
time management demands the workers do some
stupid and demeaning job, they will find that
"M & E" are down at the bar watching "T & A."

(Douglas Jeffery) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 02:50 PM