November 22, 2006

Poem

I traded in my WWJD bracelet for one
with "WWSDD" on it. Not only is the
"What Would Snoop Dogg Do?" bracelet a
lot flashier, but the answer is always
"Light up a spliff and hit the strip club."

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:55 PM

November 21, 2006

Poem

I wouldn't mind going to get some of
that "instant gratification" -- but
there better not be a long line.

(Walter Means) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:02 AM

November 17, 2006

Stick Me in the Jimmy!

Bogor, Indonesia, November 17, 2006:

A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and other Americans, including Bush's entourage, while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia.

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before drank the "potion" and smeared some on his face.

"I don't hate Americans, but I don't like Bush," said Pamungkas. "I also don't like that Ron fellow," referring to Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron. "I don't know who he thinks he is. He is not the President, but sometimes he acts that way...stupid."

Pamungkas believed the elaborate ritual would succeed as, "the devil is with me today."

He said the jinx would also send spirits to possess Secret Service personnel guarding Bush and leave them in a trance, leading them into falsely thinking the President was under attack, thus eventually causing chaos in Bogor Presidential Palace, where the American leader was scheduled to meet President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono on Monday.

As for the effects of the hex on Ron, Pamungkas only had this to say: "Pants check!"

Indonesia the world's most populous Muslim country, however many still practicing animist rituals, including black magic, that predate Islam's arrival in the archipelago.

"I am doing voodoo, because other ritual would not work," he told reporters after he conducted the gory ritual about 1 kilometer from the palace.

Posted by Bittle at 08:23 AM

November 16, 2006

Poem

I was worried when LOL led to ROFL, and I
was alarmed when that escalated to ROFLMAO.
I propose the limit should be ROFLMAOATU,
because with any activity, one should go no
further after adding "... And Throwing Up."

(Paul Totman) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:26 PM

November 15, 2006

Crop Circle

Edgewater Park, New Jersey, November 15, 2006:

Police have arrested a Burlington County man for using a lawn mower to cut a political slur in the grass in an open field.

Dennis E. Westphal, 19, of Edgewater Park turned himself in to the Edgewater Park Township police on Tuesday, a day after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest, according to a statement from the Burlington County Prosecutor's Office.

Police were initially alerted to the incident on November 5 when a local resident called them, said William J. Clinton, a spokesman for the prosecutor's office.

The political slur, which was cut into a field of tall grass on township-owned property, was also spotted by someone in a plane flying overhead who then alerted police.

While the exact nature of the slur was not revealed, Ronatarian Party leader Ron was called to the scene. He was spotted leaving the field sobbing uncontrollably. No statement concerning his visit was issued.

Westphal was charged with bias intimidation and harassment and released on his own recognizance pending a court hearing on December 12.

Posted by Bittle at 08:30 AM

November 13, 2006

Poem

It's been said that "living well is the best
revenge," but my guess is that "sleeping with
your enemy's mom" had to be a close second.

(Andy Krakowski) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:23 AM

November 07, 2006

Poem

I think Gandhi and I probably
have a lot in common. After all,
we both spent time in prison.

(Tom Sims) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:34 AM

November 03, 2006

Straw Poll

London, England, November 3, 2006:

A large number of Britons would be prepared to give up sex if it meant they would live to be 100, according to a survey Friday.

The Mori research found that 40 percent would pass on the passion for longevity, although far more women (48 percent) were willing to make the sacrifice than men (31 percent).

However nearly all (94 percent) would not give up their friends or family in order to reach their century while a half thought scientists should keep trying to prolong people's lifespans.

Private health care provider BUPA commissioned the survey as part of a debate on the implications of an aging population.

"Britain is facing an aging time bomb with major challenges presented by retirement, the desire to live longer and the increasing burden of caring for older people," said Andrew Vallance-Owen, BUPA's medical director.

In a similar study, Ron was asked whether he'd give up booze to live until 40.

"F*ck no!" was his response. That answer has a margin of error of plus or minus 3 percent.

Posted by Bittle at 07:39 AM

November 01, 2006

Bridging the Gap

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 1, 2006:

Ronatarian Party leader Ron figured a 50-foot fall was worth $20. Ron was counting his money Tuesday while walking across the Wittpenn Bridge over the Hackensack River when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail.

He followed. And plummeted 50 feet into the river.

Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the water.

"I got my money back, hell yeah," Ron told The New Jersey Spew. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke."

He was fished from the water by a passing recreational fisherman coming home after a morning of angling. Ron, who said he was already suffering from "a sore ass," refused treatment for cuts and scrapes he suffered in the fall.

Posted by Bittle at 08:09 AM