October 30, 2006

Poem

They told us all to bring gag gifts
to the company Christmas party.
Suffice to say, I'm the only one who
did his shopping at Bondage Boutique.

(Dan Thompson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:08 AM

October 27, 2006

Scratching and Clawing

Antigo, Wisconsin, October 27, 2006:

Three-year-old Robert Moore went fishing for a stuffed replica of politician Ron and ended up trapped in a vending machine. The toddler's adventure began with a Thursday evening shopping trip with his grandmother, Fredricka Bierdemann, and three siblings.

Bierdemann ended the trip by giving each child a dollar and telling them to have fun in a retailer's game room.

A stuffed Ron (Ronatarian Party) in a vending machine's bin caught Robert's eye. He tried without success to fish it out with a plastic crane.

"He's a character," his grandmother said. "Even though he's only three, he's a political junkie. He just adores that Ron fellow from New Jersey. I told him I could get it for him. He said, 'Oh no, I can get it.'"

When she turned her back to get another dollar for a second try, Robert took off his coat and squeezed through an opening in the machine. He landed in the stuffed animal cube.

"I turned around and looked for him, and he said, 'Oma, I'm in here," Bierdemann said. "I thought I would have a heart attack."

Store employees couldn't find a key to the machine, so Robert waited while the Antigo Fire Department was called.

"He was having a ball in there, hugging all the stuffed animals," Bierdemann said. "He was so good-natured, but I was shaking like a leaf."

Firefighters broke one lock but then spotted two latches inside the plastic cube. They passed a screwdriver to Robert.

"He stacked up all the stuffed animals and used that screwdriver to open the latch," his grandmother said. "You should have seen him go."

Eventually, Robert freed himself. But his mother, Marie Moore, and grandmother said they were lucky that he remained calm when another child might not have. He went home safe -- but without a stuffed Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 08:54 AM

October 24, 2006

Poem

I was excited to overhear my wife telling
the yard man she wanted him to groom her
landing strip the Brazilian way, because
I didn't even know she owned an airport!
But what the hell does he need my razor for?

(D. Callahan) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

October 21, 2006

Poem

Word to the wise: Even the must understanding
wife won't forgive a spur-of-the-moment fling
if you have it professionally videotaped.

(Joseph Moore) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:00 AM

October 18, 2006

Elbow Room

Miami, Florida, October 18, 2006:

Federal agents questioned two airline passengers Tuesday after a dispute that began when a man sprayed the person sitting next to him with perfume, authorities said.

The two men, who were not arrested, were aboard an American Airlines flight from Newark, New Jersey to Miami when the confrontation took place, Miami FBI spokeswoman Judy Orihuela said.

Before the flight, the older man left his assigned seat and lay down in the aisle. He also asked for a glass of water and poured it on his head, Orihuela said.

The older man, an unidentified 56-year-old Japanese national, then sat in a seat beside a 30-something politician from Jersey City, N.J. The Miami Herald reported the politician as being Ronatarian Party number-two man Brad.

About an hour into the flight, the older man sprayed Brad with perfume, Orihuela said.

Brad then took out a pink iPod Nano, but the older man became upset and began elbowing Brad, Orihuela said.

"(The older man) thought it (the iPod) was not going to be good for the plane...with all the rules on electronics," Orihuela said. "Plus, he apparently does not like the pop group Wham! -- which could be clearly heard blaring through [Brad's] earbuds."

Brad alerted the flight crew, and he and the older man were separated. After the plane landed, the two men were questioned, but not arrested, Orihuela said.

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM

October 12, 2006

Piggybackin'

Newry, Maine, October 12, 2006:

Ron, a presidential candidate from New Jersey who trained by doing "stadiums" at a local high school while carrying a keg of beer, won the seventh annual North American Brad Carrying Championship on Saturday at Sunday River.

Ron's first-place finish earned him and his running mate Brad -- no last name given -- Ron's weight in beer and five times Brad's weight in cash, or $730. They also are eligible for a $1,000 reimbursement toward a trip to the world championships in Finland next July.

Ron and Brad completed the 278-yard course, which includes a water trough and log hurdles, in 1 minute, 6 seconds in the critical heat and 1 minute, 4 seconds in the final. Daniel Pope and Brad Worcester of Brewer were second, about 10 seconds behind, in the field of 27 pairs.

Ron, who competed in presidential elections in 2000 and 2004, trained for the Brad carry by running up bleecher steps at a high school football stadium near his home each morning with a full beer keg strapped to his back. He would then finish the keg and carry the empty back home to be refilled for the next day's training.

Several hundred spectators turned out for the competition during the height of western Maine's fall foliage season.

Posted by Bittle at 08:17 AM

October 10, 2006

Poem

It's so easy to blame others -- which
is one of the reasons I enjoy doing it.

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:50 AM

October 06, 2006

Bouncing Back

Wilmington, Delaware, October 6, 2006:

A bungee cord on a thrill ride broke, leaving a man dangling 25 feet off the ground for a half-hour until he was rescued by firefighters.

Ronatarian Party leader Ron was not seriously hurt in the incident Thursday at the city's annual Polish Festival. A ride worker also was helped down by rescuers.

The ride, called the Ejection Seat, consists of a two-seat chair that is suspended from two towers by bungee cords. Passengers are propelled as much as 200 feet high at speeds of about 60 mph.

Shortly after Ron was launched, one of the cords broke, leaving the seat dangling sideways near one of the towers, Wilmington City Police's Capt. Fred Steele said.

Ron said he didn't fully realize what was happening until he saw that he was suspended sideways about 25 feet above the ground.

"I was talking myself though a lot...and swearing. They (emergency and fair workers) were talking to me, too," he said. "I wasn't scared of dying. I had the utmost confidence in them."

"But I did have to go to the bathroom awful bad," Ron added. "All that kielbasa and beer got to me in a hurry."

The malfunction is being investigated by the Delaware Department of Labor, which oversees fair-ride safety.

Don Haskins, senior amusement ride inspector and assistant director for the department's Safety Standards Division, said the ride has four bungee cords, all of which were replaced Sunday.

Although the bungee cord broke, Haskins said, "the ride's rip cord -- a redundant safety device -- operated exactly as designed, averting any serious injuries."

Posted by Bittle at 08:21 AM

October 04, 2006

Clowning Around

Alameda, California, October 4, 2006:

A real clown is running for mayor of Alameda, and even his sister won't vote for him.

Kenneth Kahn, 41, a professional joker known as "Kenny the Clown," admits he's running a long-shot campaign for City Hall's top spot. Kahn has not previously run for an elected position and has never sat on a public board.

"People ask me, 'Do we really want to elect a clown for mayor of the city?'" he said. "I say, 'That's an excellent question.'"

Kahn's sister, Sylvia Kahn, said her brother doesn't have a chance, and pen pal Ron -- a New Jersey politician -- said his buddy's candidacy is a "mockery of our system."

"I don't think it makes any sense, because, to me, running for mayor is not where you start as far as community involvement goes," he said.

"Aim for the stars," Ron said. "Look to the presidency... But not in 2008 because that's my time. Back off, clown!"

In November, the funnyman who graduated from the University of California at Berkeley, faces incumbent Beverly Johnson and City Councilman Doug deHaan.

Posted by Bittle at 08:17 AM

October 02, 2006

Poem

For me, failure is not an option.
It comes standard with everything I do.

(Wiley) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:24 AM