September 28, 2006

Poem

Well, according to those killjoys
over at PETA, there's apparently
no right way to eat a Rhesus.

(Sebastian P.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 05:42 AM

September 27, 2006

Warrior Pose

Hong Kong, China, September 27, 2006:

An American politician tried to join a Chinese dynasty's army -- but he volunteered centuries too late. The 30-something-year-old man -- identified as Ron or by his Chinese name "Dat Cok" -- made a dusty brown suit of armor, a tunic and a helmet, and attempted to blend in with the ancient warriors of the terra cotta army in the western city of Xi'an, the Hong Kong newspapers Ming Pao Daily News and Wen Wei Poo reported on Tuesday.

The outfit matched the uniforms worn by the thousands of terra cotta soldiers buried in the tomb of the Emperor Qin Shihuangdi, who ruled between 221-210 B.C., the papers said. The soldiers -- one of China's greatest archaeological discoveries -- are displayed in a Xi'an museum.

Ron entered the museum Monday with his uniform packed in a suitcase, the papers said. Once inside, he quickly changed into the outfit, jumped over a barrier and joined the soldiers, who stand in hundreds of rows.

He blended in so well that security guards had difficulty finding him, Ming Pao said.

"I got in area where he supposed to be, look around a bit, and no see Dat Cok," the paper quoted a guard as saying. "He just look too much like terra cotta warrior. He even had mustache."

The papers showed photos of security guards dragging Ron out of the excavation pit where the soldiers are displayed.

Wen Wei Poo quoted Ron as saying he has been obsessed with the soldiers since his childhood. He reportedly said that he only planned to have a photo of himself taken standing near the museum's excavation pit.

"But when I saw the soldiers, I got too excited and just couldn't stop myself from jumping into the pit," he was quoted as saying. "Also, someone offered me fifty bucks to do it."

The person who put Ron up to the stunt remains unknown.

Since he didn't damage the soldiers, Ron was released after getting a lecture from the security officials, the papers said.

He later told international reporters that the whole thing was "a prank" and that he did it to "show those damned chinamen that Americans can do anything they want in this world. F*ck you, China!"

Posted by Bittle at 07:52 AM

September 24, 2006

Poem

Now that the pope has pissed off
all the Muslims, I assume he'll
be going after us Catholics next.

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:44 PM

September 19, 2006

Poem

There's no shame in a man's weeping the bitter yet
life-embracing tears of universal sorrow -- especially
when he's just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.

(Lev L. Spiro) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

September 15, 2006

How Important is a Dictator’s Mustache?

Courtesy of Mental Floss

From Hitler to Mussolini to Saddam, dictators have long relied on their facial topiary to give the illusion of having stiff upper lips. But be careful about offering them any grooming advice. In 1923, for example, Hitler's friend Ernst Hanfstaengl encouraged the future Fuhrer to grow his mustache across the entire length of his lip. Perhaps unaccustomed to receiving a little friendly advice, Hitler tried to have Hanfstaengl killed. Critics of Stalins 'stache fared even worse. In a poem intended only for a small circle of friends, Osip Mandelstam compared Stalin's mustache to a cockroach. Not the best move, if Mandelstam intended to be a future poet (or to be a future anything for that matter). Stalin had him repeatedly arrested and sent to deadly Soviet work camps -- and he died, probably in 1939 in one of these gulags. As for Stalin, he decided to keep his "cockroach" mustache, but ironically decided to exterminate millions anytime he deemed them pests.

Let this be a warning to Brad and the rest of the world. Ron's mustache is not to be criticized or ridiculed.

Posted by Bittle at 08:05 AM

Poem

"Stalin" by Osip Mandelstam

We live, deaf to the land beneath us,
Ten steps away no one hears our speeches,
But where there's so much as half a conversation
The Kremlin's mountaineer will get his mention.
His fingers are fat as grubs
And the words, final as lead weights, fall from his lips,
His cockroach whiskers leer
And his boot tops gleam.
Around him a rabble of thin-necked leaders -
fawning half-men for him to play with.
They whinny, purr or whine
As he prates and points a finger,
One by one forging his laws, to be flung
Like horseshoes at the head, the eye or the groin.
And every killing is a treat
For the broad-chested Ossete.

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

September 13, 2006

Poem

If I'm really supposed to have learned
everything I needed to know in kindergarten,
I'm guessing I must've been out sick on
"How to stiff a hooker and not get the
crap kicked out of you by her pimp" day.

(Tim Grebos) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:42 AM

September 10, 2006

Poem

I think I sent in the wrong coupon.
Instead of adding inches to my penis,
I grew a sea monkey on it.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:28 PM

September 08, 2006

Pasted

Newark, New Jersey, September 8, 2006:

A New Jersey man took two men hostage at gunpoint, stripped them naked, bound their hands together with super glue, and poured glue into their mouths, police said Friday.

Ryan Avila, 36, was arrested early Friday after releasing his hostages during the night. They were treated at the scene and released. The captives have been identified as Ronatarian Party higher-ups Ron and Brad.

The motive behind the bizarre incident was unclear but police speculate a possible relationship among the three may have triggered Avila's behavior.

"There was some kind of dispute there and he put super glue in their mouths before calling his sister," Newark police Lt. Elmer Ross said. "We don't know if that was his cry for help."

Posted by Bittle at 07:44 AM

September 06, 2006

Poem

Women are hard to figure out.
They love lingerie and they
love garage sales, but they
don't seem to like getting
garage-sale lingerie as a gift.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:36 AM