August 27, 2006

Poem

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas --
unless it leaves you disease-ridden,
pock-marked and with your left leg in a cast,
courtesy of a guy named Vinny. At that point,
it's pretty much following you home.

(Phil Garding) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:50 PM

August 25, 2006

Driving Me Crazy

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2006:

A man who fell asleep in his driveway was rudely awakened when his roommate came home and turned into the driveway to park his car.

Brad said he drove into the driveway shortly after midnight Thursday and heard a loud cracking sound, a Jersey City Police report said.

When he got out of his pimped-out Dodge Neon, he heard moaning and found his roommate and boss, Ronatarian Party chief Ron, on the ground near his vehicle. Brad said he did not initially see Ron in the driveway.

"Jesus!" Brad exclaimed. "He's gonna kill me for this!"

According to the report, Ron said he had been drinking "homemade hooch" and must have passed out. He was taken to St. Lucien's Hospital where he was treated for abrasions and contusions. His signature mustache was not harmed in the accident.

"I'm going to kill Brad for this," an irate Ron lectured to the nursing staff. "How did he not see me? That idiot is toast!"

Posted by Bittle at 08:06 AM

August 23, 2006

Poem

What others might see as "buying my
girlfriend a lap dance at the male
strip club," I prefer to think of
as simply "out-sourcing my foreplay."

(Richard Skora) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 10:18 AM

August 18, 2006

Flinging Poop

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 18, 2006:

Thieves in New Jersey stole $60 from a man by throwing feces at him from behind and then pick-pocketing him while they pretended to help clean up the mess, authorities said Thursday.

After withdrawing the money from an automatic teller machine for a beer run the man -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- was struck in the back of the neck by what he described as human feces, police said.

"Immediately afterwards two large women came up to him from behind and claimed they had seen someone excreting down onto the street from above," police said in a statement.

The two women then began briskly wiping the filth from Ron's clothing with paper towels they had with them. They were soon joined by a third man, who also came bearing paper towels.

Only when Ron went to take his foul-smelling trousers to cleaners did he notice that his beer money had been taken from his back pocket by one of the would-be helpers, police said.

Ron said of his ordeal: "Not only was I shat upon, but I didn't get the beer I so desperately needed to get me through the rest of the day. I was humiliated and devastated in one shit-filled incident!"

Posted by Bittle at 03:37 PM

August 15, 2006

Poem

You know that unwritten rule that you avoid
the urinal right next to someone who's peeing?
Just to clarify: It means you go to one farther
away, not try to share the one the guy's using.

(Randy Lee) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:56 AM

August 12, 2006

Gr8 Disturbance

What happened?
By Esteban Bittlestein, August 12, 2005

Although I do not consider myself a Jedi Knight -- one wise in the ways of The Force -- I felt a great disturbance in the space-time continuum today. As Obi-Wan Kenobi famously said, it was "as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced." Why?

While recovering from my "episode," I caught wind of an unholy matrimony taking place on the West Coast of the United States. (I listen to the police scanner a lot.) Apparently, the Gr8 White N8 formed a covenant between himself and a human woman. This set me aback! Was this real? What could be gained from such a union?

When I started going over the possible repercussions of such a gigantic event my head begin to spin. To calm my jangled nerves, I began drinking tequila. When I still couldn't wrap my head around things, I switched to bourbon. When that failed to help, I grabbed a case of beer, a pack of Marlboro reds, and sat down for some serious ponderings.

I don't remember writing any of this...

Posted by Bittle at 07:48 AM

August 10, 2006

Beyond the Grave

Allentown, Pennsylvania, August 10, 2006:

A pallbearer is suing a DeRossett funeral home after he fell in a grave during a burial ceremony. Ronatarian Party leader Ron, according to the lawsuit filed in state district court, was serving as a pallbearer in May 2006 during the burial of a relative at Mickley Cemetery in nearby Whitehall.

The funeral and burial were directed by Labium Memorial Funeral Home of DeRossett.

Ron contends that while he and other pallbearers were attempting to place the casket of Ronislaw Walszak in a grave, the surface of the gravesite began to cave in, causing him to fall.

"I took quite a tumble," a discontented Ron said to gathered press. "My hair got all mussed up and my suit got dirty."

Ron alleges that the funeral home improperly prepared the gravesite, placing around it weak plywood and other materials not suited to support pallbearers' weight.

"I'm an engineer," Ron said. "I know what proper shoring-up looks like. That wasn't even close."

He also claims the "f*cking" funeral home hid the defective condition of the gravesite.

Through his attorney Andrew Sepe, Ron is seeking payment of legal fees and medical expenses and for compensation for mental anguish, humiliation, embarrassment, dry cleaning, and reconstructive hair styling stemming from the incident.

Also named in the suit is Labium Memorial's insurance provider, Allstate Insurance Company. "They need to get sued for something," commented Sepe.

Posted by Bittle at 07:21 AM

August 09, 2006

Poem

My wife and I were discussing whether cats or
dogs have better lives and she decided cats
do, because they can do whatever they want
and still get lots of attention and affection.
I, on the other hand, decided dogs have better
lives, because they get to shit in the yard.

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:49 PM

August 07, 2006

Poem

For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:59 AM

August 03, 2006

Poem

Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking
my blood pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe) @ruminate.vom

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:51 PM

August 02, 2006

Poem

You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:56 PM

August 01, 2006

Roadside Manner

Moorestown, New Jersey, August 1, 2006:

A flat tire was the first thing that went wrong for a Jersey City man on Monday.

Ronatarian Party leader Ron pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike and was searching for a tire-changing tool when a passing tractor-trailer apparently launched a rock in his direction, the New Jersey State Police reported.

Attempting to elude the rock, Ron jumped toward his famed Camaro, struck his head on the rear window, and fell to the ground unconscious.

Ron was admitted to a local medical center for observation. He was released after a few hours when all tests came back negative. It seems all sustained injuries were minor.

Posted by Bittle at 07:56 AM