July 29, 2006

Lightning Ron

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 29, 2006:

He's lucky to be alive. A New Jersey man who was hit by lightning has been suffering from headaches and chest pain, but is glad to be a survivor.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was working in his yard on Friday. He had one hand touching his famed Camaro and the other holding a pole when the lightning hit, throwing him several feet.

Ron says he was "rolling like I was on fire." He was slightly burned on his hands, chest, and forehead. His trademark mustache remained unharmed.

Ron won't be throwing away the scorched Motorhead T-shirt he was wearing. He says he considers it his "lucky shirt," and is going to have it framed.

Posted by Bittle at 06:09 AM

July 27, 2006

Poem

Once, I was lost in the wilderness, and
I was forced to eat a dog to survive!
Later I realized I was just in the back
yard, but boy, was my mom pissed!

(C. Rostan) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:27 PM

July 26, 2006

Alphabits

Greencastle, Indiana, July 26, 2006:

A letter-loving thief has police and business owners baffled after dozens of Ns, Os, and Rs were stolen from signs around the community.

"We've lost our Rs. And we want them back," said Randall Jones, president of Headley Hardware.

The weekend caper targeted gas stations, restaurants, repair shops, and medical offices in the city of 10,000 people about 40 miles west of Indianapolis.

The thief also nabbed half a dozen Os from a lighted marquee in front of a National Guard post.

"I don't know if they think it's a joke, but to me it's just theft," said National Guard Sgt. Robert Lamb. "I just think it's disturbing."

Putnam Inn manager Jane Hansen isn't sure how the thief climbed more than 6 feet off the ground to take Ns from a sign in front of her motel.

"Whoever's doing it needs to put their talents to something more constructive," she said.

Forensic detectives assigned to the case say the evidence all points to R-O-N.

"The stupidity of the thefts immediately leads me to suspect the Ronatarian movement [of New Jersey]," said lead detective Stephen Nesbit. "I can't prove anything, but I have my suspicions. What worries me most is that Ronatarianism seems to be spreading West...like the Asian Bird Flu."

Greencastle Police said they've been notified about the stolen letters, but many business owners are choosing not to file reports. They won't say it publicly, but it is widely believed that the victims do not want to draw any more attention to the radical political movement.

Posted by Bittle at 07:57 AM

July 25, 2006

Poem

I just discovered the biggest difference
between dogs and cats: Dogs hump stuff.

(Skywalker) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:49 PM

July 24, 2006

Poem

Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon
to a knife fight. That means they're either
crazy or really good at killing people with
spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid.

(John Gephart) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:52 AM

July 20, 2006

I Got Da Motts!

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 20, 2006:

A quasi-famous customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said.

The suspect shot himself in the head during the struggle, and passed out after the customer -- identified as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- administered four blows to the head with the Mott's applesauce.

"Finally, the guy passes out," said Det. Curtis Mayfield. "There's blood everywhere -- on the floor, all over."

About 15 customers were in Gomez Grocery in the city's East Lafayette section when the gunman walked in Wednesday afternoon, jumped atop a small freezer, and pointed the gun at store owner Elizardo Gomez, police said.

Ron, who is about 5-foot-6, grabbed the 6-foot-2 gunman from behind when he was on the freezer. With help from Gomez, Ron knocked him down "with vengeance" according to one witness.

The suspect, 23-year-old Thomas Ramirez, was in stable condition at a hospital, and was expected to be charged with attempted murder, attempted robbery, and other charges, authorities said.

Ron lauded himself as a hero and says he expects future discounts at the grocery.

Posted by Bittle at 08:08 AM

July 18, 2006

Egghead

Almaty, Kazakhstan, July 18, 2006:

A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Ron" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Monday.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Ron' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform.

"We don't know who Ron is, but we'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad."

The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village.

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion. Ronatarianism is unknown in these parts.

Posted by Bittle at 08:13 AM

July 13, 2006

Poem

The good news: My new manager has
humongous tits. The bad news: He
yells at me for staring at them.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 02:52 AM

July 12, 2006

Poem

I tend to give credence to that Bible story
in which God put man to sleep and made
woman from his rib, because if man had been
awake and able to make suggestions, women
would surely have many more breasts.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 01:45 AM

July 11, 2006

Poem

As the judge said, "Let this be a warning:
Three strikes and you're out," I was sure
glad he didn't know I had an 0-2 count when
I pummelled that stupid umpire with my bat.

(Donald Johnson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:40 AM

July 07, 2006

Kiss the Buddha

Trenton, New Jersey, July 7, 2006:

In between answering questions Thursday about North Korea's missiles, Iran's nuclear program, and American Idol winner Taylor Hicks, Ronatarian party official Brad answered what was for many observers a more burning question: What compelled him to kiss the bare stomach of a young boy in a Trenton park?

Footage of the July 2 incident was broadcast on all local television stations. It quickly became fodder for internet chat rooms and topped the national tabloids the day after. The question was one of the most popular among the hundreds e-mailed in for a live Ronatarian internet conference.

In the footage, Brad is shown walking up to a small crowd of tourists in a park and crouching down in front of the boy, who appears to be five or six years old. As Brad talks with Joey for several seconds, he tugs at the boy's shirt before finally lifting it up and kissing him on his bare stomach.

"He seemed to me very independent, very serious, but at the same time a boy is always vulnerable. He was very sweet. I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture that I made. There was nothing behind it really," Brad said, smiling.

Trenton Police have been fielding an onslaught of questions from concerned residents "about the appropriateness" of the act. As yet, no charges have been filed.

Posted by Bittle at 10:20 AM

July 05, 2006

Poem

I went to the doctor for a blood test and
I saw this Asian kid in the waiting room.
He was there for a blood test, too. I thought,
"Crap, I hope they're grading me on a curve."

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM