June 29, 2006

Poem

I always put my daughter's welfare
above my own. She's 18, so I started
dating an 18-year-old so she'd have
somebody her own age to play with.
I hope she appreciates it.

(Steve Mueller) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:54 AM

June 27, 2006

Nomination, Shmomination

Jersey City, New Jersey, June 27, 2006:

Denied the Ronatarian nomination to run for Congress, a psychotherapist who conducts nude group sessions told party leaders in an e-mail to kiss his rump.

Ronatarians on Monday chose no nominee rather than select Bill Williamson of Hudson County to run for the vacant 13th District seat.

New Jersey's 13th Congressional District currently has no representative in the House of Representatives. Robert Menendez resigned from this seat on January 16, 2006 in advance of his assumption of the Senate seat vacated by Jon Corzine, who in turn left his Senate seat to become Governor of New Jersey.

Williamson's e-mail, sent Sunday night, used a three-letter barnyard term, according to The New Jersey Spew. "If that is not clear enough for you, call me and I'll tell you in person," the newspaper quoted from the e-mail.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron said Williamson's retort "proves that the Ronatarian Party and the process we use works well. He's a f*cking c*nt-licking *sshole."

Two years ago, Menendez won three-fourths of the vote over Williamson, who ran as an independent. Williamson wrote in his e-mail that he might run as an independent this fall, attacking Republicans, Democrats and Ronatarians alike if he does.

Posted by Bittle at 07:37 AM

June 23, 2006

Poem

My mother used to tell me you can't put
a price on love. Then again, she really
had a lousy business sense for a hooker.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:11 AM

June 19, 2006

Jumping to Conclusions

Trenton, New Jersey, June 19, 2006:

Jersey City's mayor said he was arrested and roughed up by police over the weekend for intervening in an argument outside a beach bar.

Mayor Jerramiah Healy said he had just left Barry's Tavern in Bradley Beach -- a bar owned by his sister -- around 2 a.m. Saturday when he saw a couple arguing in a nearby parking lot. Nearing the scene, he realized that both participants were males. He said one man was jumping on the hood of the other's car.

Healy then identified the jumper as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad. He said he recognized him "from the internet."

After he calmly talked Brad down, Barry said, police arrived and threw him on the ground and Maced him. When his wife tried to retrieve his glasses, police shoved her to the ground too, according to Healy.

"My lawyer has asked me not to speak, but I did absolutely nothing wrong," Healy told The Associated Press on Sunday.

Bradley Beach police did not return calls Sunday from The Associated Press.

A police spokesman told The New Jersey Spew that Healy interfered in an investigation of the men's argument and ignored warnings from officers that he would be arrested if he didn't leave.

Healy was charged with two disorderly persons offenses and resisting arrest.

He faces up to six months and jail and $2,000 in fines if convicted.

Brad was not charged and was released at the scene on his own recognizance.

Posted by Bittle at 10:55 AM

June 15, 2006

Poem

Somehow "our song" just isn't as
romantic now that they're using it
in an erectile dysfunction ad.

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:59 AM

June 12, 2006

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Corvallis, Oregon, June 12, 2006:

A main ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer and enlargement, according to a new study.

Oregon State University researchers say the compound xanthohumol, found in hops, inhibits a specific protein in the cells along the surface of the prostate gland.

The protein acts like a signal switch that turns on a variety of animal and human cancers, including prostate cancer.

Cancer typically results from uncontrolled cell reproduction and growth. Xanthohumol belongs to a group of plant compounds called flavonoids, which can trigger the programmed cell death that controls growth, researchers say.

Having heard the news at Ronatarian Party Headquaters (Jersey City, NJ), Ron quickly went out and purchased a 30-pack of Busch Light.

But researchers say don't rush out to stock the refrigerator because the ingredient is present in such small amounts that a person would have to drink more than 17 beers to benefit.

"Seventeen beers is nothing, man," Ron said while downing brews in a lawn chair in his front yard. "I'm fighting cancer."

Xanthohumol was first discovered in hops in 1913, but its health effects were not known until about 10 years ago, when it was first studied by Fred Stevens, assistant professor of medicinal chemistry at OSU's College of Pharmacy.

Last fall, Stevens published an update on xanthohumol in the journal Phytochemistry that drew international attention.

Stevens says it possible for drug companies to develop pills containing concentrated doses of the flavonoid found in the hops used to brew beer.

He also says researchers could work to increase the xanthohumol content of hops.

There are already a number of food supplements on the market containing hops, and scientists in Germany have developed a beer that contains 10 times the amount of xanthohumol as traditional brews. The drink is being marketed as a healthy beer, but research is still under way to determine if it has any effect against cancer.

Ron is expected to incorporate the results into his healthcare platform -- which mainly concerns the many benefits of alcohol, but none of the shortcomings.

Posted by Bittle at 10:06 AM

June 08, 2006

Poem

Want proof that men are more creative than women?
Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a
pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting
their own, using nothing but beer and pizza.

(Scott E. Frank) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:43 PM

June 07, 2006

Poem

"What Would Jesus Do?" may be a good philosophy
of life for some, but I find that it rarely
helps me decide how much to tip a hooker.

(Charles Gulledge) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:19 AM

June 02, 2006

Fuzzy Duck

Cordelia, California, June 2, 2006:

The International Bird Rescue Research Center in Cordelia plans to raise funds with an unusual duck X-ray. The bird came in with a broken wing, but when Marie Travers, assistant manager of the center, radiographed the duck, she was stunned to see a very clear image of what appeared to be the face, or head, of an extraterrestrial alien in the bird's stomach. What's oddest is that the alien appears to have a mustache.

"Marie looked at it and all she could say was 'unbelievable,'" said Karen Benzel, public affairs director for the rescue center, which has been rescuing sick and injured birds for more than three decades.

Unfortunately, the duck died quickly and quietly of its injuries.

Initial reports from the center claimed the cause of the alien face was never determined, but Benzel said she was still awaiting results of a necropsy.

Either way, the center has come up with a way to turn its alien encounter into a fundraiser for the center. It will auction off the X-ray on eBay.

The one-of-a-kind image, which measures 17-by-14 inches, will be sold along with a certificate of authenticity. All proceeds will go toward funding the center's rehabilitation programs.

The New Jersey-based Ronatarian Party plans to send out several representatives to examine the duck. Party founder and leader Ron is expected to bid on the X-ray. Ron has had a longtime fascination with the extraordinary, bizarre, and macabre.

"A mustached alien inside a duck is just the sort of thing he goes for," said party #2 man Brad. "He's f*cking psyched!"

The auction begins Sunday.

Posted by Bittle at 09:29 AM