May 31, 2006

Poem

Just when I think I've finally met the
perfect woman, I discover she's too tall
to fit into any of my mom's old clothes.

(Andy Ihnatko) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

May 25, 2006

Poem

If loving you is wrong, then baby, it
goes a long way towards explaining the
concussion and crushed left testicle.

(Dan, the crazy Croat) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:44 AM

May 24, 2006

The Corridors of Power Hour

Trenton, New Jersey, May 24, 2006:

New Jersey legislators and staff members should not be drunk while performing their official duties, a citizen panel says.

The Public Commission on the New Jersey Legislature adopted that recommendation Tuesday; although the panel decided to leave it to House and Senate leaders to draft rules against intoxication and possible penalties.

"We were uncomfortable acting as a nanny," said Kerry Teetotaler, a commission member and conservative pundit.

The new policy was suggested by Steve Downs, president of Crime Victims United, who said he and another member of the group noticed alcohol on the breath of at least one legislator at the end of the 2005 session while they were advocating tougher drunken-driving penalties.

Downs declined to identify the legislator.

Fighting the proposal is the radical Ronatarian Party. The Ronatarians believe that drinking alcohol on taxpayers' time is perfectly legitimate. In fact, it should be encouraged.

"Do you realize how dull committee meetings are?" asked Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron. "Lawmakers should be allowed to 'take the edge off' from time to time. Plus, you always get your best ideas when you're buzzed. What Downs and his cronies want is preposterous! They're stifling creativity!"

Neither Senate nor House rules deal with possession or consumption of alcohol by legislators and staff members. Alcohol is barred from most state buildings, but it can be served at State House functions with written approval of the legislative administrator and under certain conditions.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it," concluded Ron.

Posted by Bittle at 07:10 AM

May 22, 2006

Out on a Limb

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 22, 2006:

He was, quite literally, out on a limb. And so on Sunday, a drunken man who spent the night in a tree had to be rescued by city firefighters.

"Alcohol and climbing trees don't really mix," said Noel Limprick, of the Jersey City fire department. "In all seriousness, he could've killed himself if he had fallen.

"He had had a sh*tload of booze in him and in his inebriated state he climbed 100 feet up an oak tree, without his shoes on. He then fell asleep," Limprick said. "I'm not quite sure how he managed it, but he woke up wrapped around a branch."

The man, identified as Ron, is the founder and leader of the radical "Rontarian" political movement. He used his cell phone to call firefighters after waking up around dawn, chilly and confused, in the tree.

Eight firefighters needed 90 minutes and ropes and pulleys to get him down from his precarious perch. Paramedics at the scene treated him for some scratches, but he was otherwise uninjured.

"He was a bit quiet when he came down and a bit embarrassed," Limprick said. "I think he got a bit cold up there. He only had his cut-off jeans and T-shirt on and he must have had quite a hangover."

Posted by Bittle at 07:21 AM

May 18, 2006

Bra(d) Strap

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 18, 2006:

A local man escaped serious injury from a gunshot Wednesday thanks to his seat belt and a thick bra strap, authorities said.

Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad was shot through the windshield of the ramshackle Dodge Neon he was driving Wednesday. He said he felt a searing pain in his shoulder.

Jersey City Police said a .38-caliber bullet smashed through the windshield then bounced off Brad's shoulder — thanks to a seat belt and a thick bra strap.

The copper-jacketed slug landed in his lap.

"It's a big bullet, but you had all those forces acting against it," police spokesman J.D. Callaway told the New Jersey Spew. "It's very rare that something like that occurs. He's a very lucky cross dresser. You know, we're just glad he came out OK. We don't care about his fetishes."

"The bullet kind of shoved me back and I felt this massive pain in my shoulder and I said, 'I've been shot,'" said a visibly shaken Brad to reporters.

Why Brad was wearing a woman's brazier is still a mystery. However, it did save his life.

Due to great luck, or perhaps his guardian angel, it hit his shoulder exactly where the seat belt crossed it and that .38-caliber bullet never penetrated his skin.

Brad said he didn't know why anyone would shoot him. Jersey City Police later arrested two men in connection with the shooting several hours later.

Authorities said they do not have a motive for the shooting.

Posted by Bittle at 07:59 AM

May 17, 2006

Poem

Now that I'm approaching middle age, it's
nice to reflect back upon my college days
and to reminisce about all the sex that
I like to believe that I had back then.

(Miles Walker) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:57 AM

May 13, 2006

Eau de Ron

London, England, May 13, 2006:

BLUE STILTON CHEESE APPROACHES RON TO BE FACE OF NEW PRODUCT

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association (SCMA) has approached radical American politician Ron to be the face of a brand new product -- Stilton perfume.

Eau de Stilton has been commissioned by the SCMA as part of the Stick on the Stilton campaign for 2006, to encourage people to try eating Blue Stilton cheese as part of everyday meals -– scattered on a pizza, sliced onto a burger, or slipped into a sandwich.

The perfume, which has been blended by Manchester based ID Aromatics for the SCMA, re-creates the earthy and fruity aroma of Blue Stilton cheese in an eminently wearable perfume. Using grape seed as a carrier oil, the Stilton scent features a symphony of natural base notes including Yarrow, Angelica seed, Clary Sage, and Valerian. It's a unisex scent that all should enjoy.

The smell of a Stilton is essential to the grading of the cheese as it enables the grader to determine whether the cheese is up to the mark and able to be sold as Stilton.

The SCMA is keen to bring a touch of American rebelliousness to Stilton Cheese, which is produced worldwide by only seven dairies in the Midlands. Ron and Stilton seemed to be a match made in heaven.

Ron, who is constantly looking for lucrative endorsements and delicious cheeses, was unavailable for comment. A faxed statement from Ronatarian Headquarters in the U.S. said that he is "very excited" about the potential partnership.

Nigel White, from the Stilton Cheese Makers Association, comments: "Blue Stilton cheese has a very distinctive mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable perfume that we are very proud to put our name to.

"The Midlands is home to some of the very finest things in life, including Stilton cheese, and we would love Ron to be the face of Eau de Stilton and look forward to hearing what he thinks of the scent."

Posted by Bittle at 02:09 PM

May 11, 2006

Poem

Any one of my ex-girlfriends could do a better
job running this country. Exit strategy? Oh,
yeah, they all had that covered coming in.

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:57 AM

May 09, 2006

Cola Wars

Purchase, New York, May 9, 2006:

A consumer court Monday ordered soft drink maker PepsiCo to pay financial damages after a customer found a condom inside a bottle, a news report said.

Calling the case "rare" and one that had a serious bearing on public health, the court ordered the company to pay $2,500 to a legal aid fund for consumers, and $500 to the complainant, The New Jersey Spew reported.

"This case is an eye-opener for others who are engaged in manufacturing soft drinks and are required to maintain the prescribed standards of purity in (the) public interest," the newspaper quoted the judge as saying.

Calls to PepsiCo spokesman Annie Kishen's phone went unanswered Monday.

Complainant Brad, a Ronatarian and resident of New Jersey, said he fell sick after consuming one of the two Pepsi bottles he bought in 2005.

Brad said he found dirt and contaminants in the bottle, and suffered from insomnia, severe headache, and stomach pain. He found the condom in the other unopened bottle, the NJ Spew reported.

Pepsi denied negligence at the proceedings, saying the bottle was a fake and condoms have been found in and around Brad in the past.

Pepsi said the court order was "erroneous" and they said they would be taking steps to challenge it.

Brad was quoted as saying, "I just want my five hundred bucks."

Posted by Bittle at 07:46 AM

May 03, 2006

Captain Hook

Jersey City, New Jersey, May 3, 2006:

Restaurants, gas stations, stores, and other businesses in one New Jersey city may soon face another regulation -- coat hooks and shelves in all public bathrooms.

The Jersey City Council Ordinance Committee has endorsed a proposal from Ronatarian Party leader Ron to create a local law requiring a coat hook and small shelf in each stall. Ron has said no one should have to leave belongings on a public bathroom floor because there is no place to put them.

"It's disgusting," Ron said to a gathering of newspapermen at a local Exxon service station. "Who wants to put his 'roadie' on a dirty restroom floor and then back in his car cupholder? Most public bathroom floors are as clean as a frat house basement."

The City Council is scheduled to hold a public hearing on the proposal Thursday before deciding on whether to amend the city's health code to include the proposal.

Posted by Bittle at 08:48 AM

May 02, 2006

Poem

Whenever I see a foxy woman, I like to toss in the
phrase, "It's my duty to please that booty," because
that's what Shaft would do. I'm going to start limiting
myself to two or three repetitions per sermon, though
-- some of the older parishioners are getting annoyed.

(Dan, the crazy Croat) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM