April 27, 2006

Poem

The other night I was depressed and tried
to call the suicide hotline, but accidentally
dialed the Butterball Turkey hotline instead.
Oddly enough, their advice worked anyway. Turns
out all your other problems fall into perspective
when you have an ass full of Stovetop Stuffing.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:10 PM

April 26, 2006

Cojones Grandes

Mexico City, Mexico, April 26, 2006:

Among the crowing, slurs, and insults being flung around in Mexico's election race, campaign ads in this country are even competing over which candidate has the greatest manhood.

From television spots to interviews with presidential hopefuls, you could be forgiven for wondering if the only thing that counts in this election race is size.

"We know why we are with Roberto. It's because he has big ones," says a farmer in a TV spot to promote Institutional Revolutionary Party, or PRI, candidate Roberto Madrazo, running in third place in opinion polls.

A radio ad for ruling party candidate Felipe Calderon, ranked second in polls, says the conservative is the one who could spur job creation because "he's got balls."

And Madrazo himself recently took a dig at leftist front-runner Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador's manliness after the leftist opted not to take part in a live election debate on Tuesday. "He didn't have the guts, he didn't have the manhood to be in the debate," Madrazo told a reporter.

The taunt chimes with criticism among many Mexicans of the way First Lady Marta Sahagun appears to dominate gentle-natured President Vicente Fox, whose term ends in December.

Oddly enough, the man running in fourth place in the "macho election" is not even on the official ballot. His name is Ron and he is a United States citizen. Rumor of his "cojones grandes" have traveled south of the Rio Grande and into Mexican lore.

One man, who gelds horses for a living, said: "Don Ron tiene los cojones como los del caballo."

Another Ron supporter said that Ron has "cojones grandes y bien plantados."

Despite a surge in women in employment in recent years, Mexico remains firmly macho and it is common to hear men boasting of their sexual prowess and using terms like "my old woman" to refer to their wives or girlfriends.

"This thing about size comes from a yearning among Mexicans for a strong president or even a strong party," said political analyst Marcela Bobadilla.

The July 2 presidential election is the first since Fox ended the PRI's 71-year rule in 2000, and tensions are running high with almost daily sniping between the three main candidates.

It is not expected that "El Gringo" (Ron) will win the election, but he may steal votes away from one of the contending candidates.

"If he costs me the presidency, then he will need some pretty big balls to show his face in Mexico again," Calderon said. "If I lose and he comes here...I'll castrate him and hang his 'cojones' on my wall."

Posted by Bittle at 07:43 AM

April 24, 2006

Poem

My wife simply does not understand the
business world. She insists I'm cheating
on her, despite my clear explanation
that I'm simply out-sourcing the sexual
component of her job description to
free her up for other projects.

(Brad Wilkerson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:50 PM

April 20, 2006

Green Eggs and Wham!

Edison, New Jersey, April 20, 2006:

The Easter Bunny has been fired -- for losing his head. Arthur J. McClure, 22, who had been hired to play the Easter Bunny at a local mall has been accused of removing the head of the costume and hitting a customer, authorities said.

McClure punched local politician Ron when he got upset that the photo exhibit was closing 10 minutes early Saturday night, police reports said. The incident was witnessed by dozens of people at the Edison Mall, including 15 children and Brad.

McClure said he never punched Ron. He claims he was trying to stop a fight between his wife -- exhibit manager Crystelle Frechette -- and Ron. The (heated) argument was rumored to have started when Frechette told Ron that running-mate Brad was "too old" to be in a photo with her Easter Bunny husband.

McClure said he took the bunny's head off because he had been wearing it for nine hours and was hot.

"My shirt was soaked with sweat," he said. "I almost threw up."

Mall management issued an apology to parents, children, and Brad. Newark-based Bennett Programs Corp., which contracted with the mall to run the photo set, fired McClure and Frechette on Monday. They also have been charged with battery and disturbing the peace.

Posted by Bittle at 08:28 AM

April 18, 2006

Beddy-Bye Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 18, 2006:

A man who tied himself to a foldaway bed because he was bored was rescued by police after becoming trapped in its mechanism, officials said on Monday.

The man was later identified as Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad.

Neighbors alerted police to the house in the working class neighborhood after hearing Brad's cries for help late on Sunday night.

When police entered the upstairs bedroom, they found the bed had folded itself away and the red-faced man was tied upside down to it with a tow-rope and wire and unable to free himself.

"He said he did it because he was bored," said Dennis Trust, a spokesman for the Jersey City Police Department. "He was visibly embarrassed but it was also a pretty amusing situation."

Police were able to free Brad without too much trouble. Ranatarian Party leader -- and housemate -- Ron was visiting his mother for the Easter holiday and was unavailable for comment.

Posted by Bittle at 07:46 AM

April 14, 2006

Poem

Children possess an innate wisdom beyond
their years. I mean, what adult would ever
come up with the idea of spontaneous trouser
combustion as a deterrent to dishonesty?

(Larry Hollister) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:41 AM

April 10, 2006

Poem

I'm not sure how much the party guests liked my
shadow figures. "Dog," "Rabbit," and "Dog and Rabbit"
seemed to go over pretty well, but the room got quiet
when I did "Dog and Rabbit Riding a Large Missile."

(Brad Hamer) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:27 AM

April 07, 2006

Poem

All the girls who were named Kyrie because of
that Mr. Mister song start turning 20 this month.
You know what that means, ladies -- only one more
year before you can legally drink to forget that
your parents named you after a Mr. Mister song!

(Carl Knorr) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:45 PM

April 06, 2006

Poem

They say if you have positive thoughts
about something, it will happen.
Well, I've been thinking positively about
my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter,
but so far, no luck. I think maybe my
wife's negative thoughts are interfering.

(Maurizio Mariotti) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:01 AM

April 04, 2006

Where the Water Flows Like Beer

Jersey City, New Jersey, April 4, 2006:

Several men thought they were in heaven when beer instead of water flowed from the taps in their home.

"I turned on the tap to clean some cheese knives and beer came out," Ronatarian Party leader Ron told The New Jersey Spew from the modest house. "We thought we were in heaven."

Added Ronatarian higher-up and housemate Brad, "We just didn't know what to do with ourselves. We grabbed a bunch of buckets and called all of our friends to come over."

No one came to the house.

Ron said he tried the beer but that it tasted a bit odd and was not fizzy.

"...Almost like it was skunked," he said.

It turned out that a worker in a bar one block away had mixed up the tap lines on Sunday evening, wrongly connecting a new keg to an old water pipe leading to the Ronatarian house. The pipe was a remnant of an old bootlegging pipeline erected in the 1920s. The keg pressure was enough to displace the water already in the house plumbing system.

The bar got water in its beer taps. Drinkers of Coors Light didn't notice the switch.

"If it happens again I'm going to order yummy cosmopolitans," Brad said.

Posted by Bittle at 08:15 AM