March 31, 2006

Poem

If I had $200 for every woman I've ever
had sex with, I'd have been able to
pay them without using my own money!

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:54 AM

March 29, 2006

Thrown Under the Bus

Newark, New Jersey, March 29, 2006:

A transit bus driver grabbed a man by the hair, knocked his head into a pole, opened the door, and tossed him into traffic after he yelled at him for missing his stop, police said.

The man -- identified later as Ronatarian Party leader Ron -- suffered scrapes and bruises, but nothing too serious.

"I'm lucky to be alive," said Ron later. "That crazy f*cker tried to kill me!"

Bus driver Robert Gipello, 53, was arraigned Tuesday on aggravated assault and other charges, said Officer Janice Russell, a police spokeswoman. He was being held on $2,500 bail.

Gipello said he had to skip Ron's stop Monday morning because of a detour, police said.

Transit officials intend to fire Gipello, who has been suspended without pay, following a hearing, said Richard Mudd, a spokesman for New Jersey Transit.

Posted by Bittle at 07:49 AM

March 28, 2006

Poem

All those women who say they scoff at
cheesy, sentimental pick-up lines are
obviously hanging around the wrong men.
For me, a simple "If you ever want to see
your Mommy alive again..." works every time.

(Don Swain) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:11 AM

March 23, 2006

Poem

My high school guidance counselor told
me my aptitude tests revealed that I could
pretty much do anything I liked -- then
she turned around and slapped me. Women!

(Jerry L. Embry) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

March 16, 2006

Poem

Every time I get down about having
a job at McDonald's, I think about
the guy at the stockyard who spends
his entire day slitting hog throats.
I wish I had a cool job like that.

(Alton Flener) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:31 PM

March 15, 2006

Bikini Assassins

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 15, 2006:

A local political leader alleged a stripper and her friend beat and robbed him in his home. Ronatarian Party founder Ron said he was on his way out to the liquor store on Tuesday evening when exotic dancer Maureen Murphy, 25, knocked on his door and offered him a free strip-o-gram.

Murphy said a friend had already paid for the show, police said.

"I thought Brad had done something nice for me," Ron said in his statement to the police.

When Ron agreed to let her perform, knife-wielding Richard Adams, 23, allegedly forced his way inside and told Ron he owed Murphy, owner of Bikini Assassins, money for earlier services.

Ron stated he only hired Murphy twice before -- to wash his famed Camaro.

"She washed my car in a bikini...once...that's it," he said. "I paid her. I hired her another time, but she showed up in a one-piece and without her own chamois. I told her that if she wasn't going to do it right, she might as well go home. I didn't pay her that time...I didn't think I should have."

Adams allegedly tied up Ron and hit him in the face. Damage to Ron's famed mustache was minimal. Investigators said Murphy went upstairs to find valuables and returned with thong underwear and medication for erectile dysfunction.

"That's not mine!" Ron contested. "My bedroom door has a deadbolt on it. That's gotta be Brad's stuff. I don't own, need, or use that junk!"

The pair allegedly tried to take Ron's car, but it was out of gas.

Adams was charged with robbery, burglary, and inflicting great bodily injury. Murphy was charged with robbery, burglary, false imprisonment, and battery. A preliminary hearing will be held March 23.

Posted by Bittle at 07:41 AM

March 13, 2006

Poem

Life is like a box of chocolates. You buy them for someone else, tell yourself she won't miss one -- no, three -- little pieces, then recall that time she slept with your cousin just to piss you off, so you gobble the whole lot of 'em, only to feel icky and barf them all back into the box and leave it on her doorstep with the "Here's a little something to show how I really feel about you" card still attached. (Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:57 PM

March 10, 2006

Poem

Rhymes with...

A poem what rhymes,
is out of the times.
Sad as it is,
that's show biz.
An couplet or two,
for the mind to chew.
Where oh where have they gone?
Those poems with the nice rhymes tacked on.
Lovely words which seek to intertwine,
memories,images, and dreams,like a fine vintage wine.
Now it's all free verse, blank and bare.
Sitting exposed like an un-upholstered chair
No craft or magic in that kind of work,
Beam me up Captain Kirk!

("robertpo") @The Coffee Shop Times

Posted by Bittle at 02:51 PM

March 08, 2006

Tabooboo

London, England, March 8, 2006:

Bars and nightclubs in London and other British cities have begun using vending machines that sell sex toys such as mini vibrators.

The pink Tabooboo machines had previously been used in public toilets in Britain, under the assumption that such settings gave buyers some privacy.

But Geoff Todd, manager of the Alphabet Bar in London's West End area, said the Tabooboo machine it installed in the middle of the bar is used daily.

"Some people use it just because it's in the bar. Some make a special journey, maybe because they are to embarrassed to go into a sex shop," Todd was quoted as saying by Tuesday's The Guardian newspaper. "Some buy the toys because they are a novelty, some do it for a laugh, some buy them as presents. It's been a great success."

In addition to bars and nightclubs in London, Manchester and Newcastle, the vending machines also have begun to show up in hairdressing salons, health clubs and retail stores, Tabooboo managing director Alan Lucas said.

He said the company also has exported about 20 of the machines to Italy and about 10 to the United States.

The importation of the Tabooboo machines to the U.S. has drawn ire from several conservative groups. The specific target of their outrage is Ronatarian Party leader Ron, who personally arranged the sale and placement of the machines in and around the greater Newark (N.J.) metro area.

"The younger generation isn't phased by sex toys. They don't believe they equal pornography," Ron said. "Plus, after a hard night of boozing, the kids want to spice up the action back at home with whoever they met at the bar. That's fun!"

"We're packaging kinky goods in vending machines, allowing people to buy such products anonymously without going to seedy sex shops to do so," Ron continued. "I think it's a brilliant idea and sure-fire money-maker."

The 11 different sex toys carried by the Tabooboo vending machines sell for an average 5 pounds (euro7.30, US$8.80) each, Lucas said.

Posted by Bittle at 07:45 AM

March 07, 2006

Poem

Getting arrested on purpose turned out to be a huge
mistake. Those conjugal visits I'd heard about are
real -- but you have to already know someone who'll
come visit you. The prison doesn't supply them.

(Anthony Myers) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:55 AM

March 06, 2006

Poem

Because I'll be 82 in 2046, I'm writing a letter
to myself to open then, reminding me of what the
name "XXX Olympic Winter Games" really means.
On second thought, why ruin an old man's good time?

(Ted Jasmin) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:42 AM

March 01, 2006

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Jersey City, New Jersey, March 1, 2006:

A woman pleaded guilty Tuesday to attempted murder charges for trying to hire a hit man to rob and kill two men for what she thought was cocaine, but turned out to be cheese.

Jessica Wilkes Booth, 18, hatched the plot after she visited the home of the men, and mistook queso fresco -- a white, crumbly cheese common in Mexican cuisine.

The two men identified as the targets were Ronatarian Party heads Ron and Brad. Ron is an well-known cheese connoisseur and insists he has "never done hard drugs in my life."

But the hit man she hired turned out to be an undercover police officer.

"They asked her numerous times 'Do you really want to go through with this?'" prosecutor Paul Hagerman said. "They gave her numerous chances to back out, but she said she was serious. She said she needed the money for modeling school" not a political assassination.

"It was a coup attempt!" Ron insisted. "She wanted to topple our plans to improve America!"

No evidence of political motives was inferred as Booth pleaded guilty Tuesday to four counts of attempted first-degree murder. She was sentenced to 15 years in prison. She would be eligible for parole after serving 20 percent of her sentence, but it generally isn't granted on first request for violent crimes.

Booth planned to take part in the murders, and went with a police officer to buy a handgun. She told investigators that she planned to make sure all possible witnesses were killed.

"Then they would have been murdered, too," Booth said about bystanders or other Ronatarians in her statement to investigators. "If they would have been babies they would not have been able to talk and then they would not have been murdered."

"We really dodged a bullet, eh Brad?" Ron joked after Booth was safely behind bars.

Posted by Bittle at 04:16 PM