February 24, 2006

Poem

While I appreciate the words of support and
the suggestions of counseling, I was really
kind of hoping that divulging my exhibitionist
fetish to the family would prod Grandma
into knitting me a nice scrotum cozy.

(Mark D. Sabien) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:42 AM

February 22, 2006

What a Pisser!

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 22, 2006:

Ron wants to lower the penalties for public urination before the February 25 Mardi Gras Parade.

Ron said his proposal would allow police to issue different citations for public urinators who try to be discreet than they might for those who are more open about it.

"There's a difference between whizzing in the middle of the street, in front of God and country, and somebody who is behind a dumpster," Ron said. "I done 'em both, but that's irrelevant."

Public urination is now classified as lewd and lascivious conduct, which carries a penalty of 3 days in jail, a $100 to $500 fine, or both. Ron's proposal doesn't change the maximum penalties, but he hopes the actual penalty would be much less.

But public urination remains plenty offensive to residents of Jersey City, where some homeowners leave their sprinklers on to discourage Marti Gras partygoers from relieving themselves on their lawns.

"That's what portable toilets are for," resident Mary Linden said. "We don't appreciate going out and seeing it -- the people are often belligerent."

It is not known how far Ron's proposal might go in that he has no political power in this northern New Jersey city. An outside proposal carries no weight until the City Council ratifies it by a two-thirds majority. The council next meets on Friday. Ron plans to make his official pitch then.

Posted by Bittle at 04:03 PM

February 21, 2006

Poem

You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's
Day when you find yourself writing heartfelt
sonnets with the same hand you're writing them to.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:04 AM

February 15, 2006

Un-Fortun-8

Jersey City, New Jersey, February 15, 2006:

There is great embarrassment in your future, Ron. A box of X-rated fortune cookies was "mistakenly" delivered to a fundraiser hosted by the Ronatarian Party. Or were they?

The 150 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed up with a batch of 1,500 cookies ordered for a Chinese New Year event, Ronatarian Party Fundraising Chairman Sir Isaac Butterworth said Tuesday. Some of the more demure guests "were stunned, to say the least."

The annual event -- to raise money for the party's coffers and to buy beer -- was attended by some 200 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Butterworth said.

The chairman was on the second floor of the two-level restaurant when a guest "yelled to me from the first floor: 'Sir Isaac, did you order these cookies? Did you see what's inside them? I think you'd better get your ass down here!'" Butterworth said.

Butterworth, who was not wearing his glasses, had the "fortunes" read to him by some of the guests.

"I'm sure they were meant for a raunchy bachelor party," he said in a quasi-sarcastic tone. "They were not cutesy... Triple X to say the least."

He said his office had given the restaurant 10 slogans about Ron to insert into the fortune cookies, and 300 were delivered correctly.

They contained such G-rated boosterisms as: "Ron -- The 10th Planet," "Ron -- He's more than a freak with a 'stache," and "Ron -- God of Misery."

When reached, the Chinese bakery said that there was "no mix-up" and the cookies were delivered as ordered -- slogans and all.

The Ronatarian Party would not comment and considers the matter closed.

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

February 09, 2006

Brad Driver

Newark, New Jersey, February 9, 2006:

A man who was stopped for driving erratically on the New Jersey Turnpike was distracted because he was looking at pornography, authorities said.

Ronatarian Party higher-up Brad of Jersey City, could have been charged with felony reckless endangerment after motorist Deborah Dotson reported Wednesday afternoon that he nearly ran her vehicle off the road several times.

State patrolman Tony "Too Big" Hall pulled over Brad based on Dotson's description.

"When I made contact with the driver of the suspect vehicle, there were several pornographic magazines on the seat next to him," Hall said in his report. "Not all of them were what we call 'heterosexual' either."

No charges will be filed after Brad apologized to the distraught Dotson. He was assigned to take a general driver safety course and is scheduled to talk to young boys about the dangers of unfocused driving.

Posted by Bittle at 08:05 AM

February 08, 2006

Poem

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I learned how much alcohol I can take.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:27 PM

February 07, 2006

Poem

I guess Granny needs a hearing aid after she thought
those Mardi Gras guys wanted to see our pits.
Better make that a hearing aid and a razor.

(Stephanie Thompson) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:55 AM

February 02, 2006

Poem

I've taken to drinking those energy drinks in
the morning. I tried them in the evenings, but
by then I'm usually too hopped up on crystal
meth to notice any additional energy boost.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:02 PM