January 31, 2006

Poem

Sometimes when I go for job interviews, I
get the feeling that they don't give enough
weight to my Ph.D. in document forgery.

(Paul Hannah) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:03 AM

January 26, 2006

Poem

Sometimes I wish I were a dairy cow.
Not so much for the leisurely life of
nonstop grazing as much as for the daily
sessions with a machine massaging my nipples.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:17 AM

January 24, 2006

Ice to See You

Trenton, New Jersey, January 24, 2006:

When local politician Ron nipped into a New Jersey highway rest stop to "answer the call of nature" Monday morning, he had no idea how cruel nature could be.

Off Exit 7A of the New Jersey Turnpike in Mercer County -- which has been experiencing cold weather and snow over the past few days -- Ron found himself trapped in the public toilet stall after the lock froze while he was inside.

Unable to pry the door open, Ron was finally able to explain his predicament when someone occupied the stall next to him. He pleaded and begged before getting his would-be rescuer to call police on a cell phone.

After about an hour in the chilly cell, police were able to get the door open and free Ron. Following the ordeal, police described Ron as "thoroughly frozen and ornery, but in good general health."

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM

January 19, 2006

Sexsomniac

Trenton, New Jersey, January 19, 2006:

The State of New Jersey plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident.

The Attorney General's Office said on Wednesday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case.

"This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Fisher, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron was acquitted of sexual assault charges on Tuesday because he said he was asleep during the attack.

A sleep expert testified that Ron suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced before.

The court heard that Ron and the female victim met at a Newark (N.J.) bar. She testified she fell asleep and woke up to find Ron having sex with her. She pushed him away and called the police.

Ron confessed to police after he discovered was still wearing a condom and realized he had had sex.

The New Jersey Spew reported that the victim left the courtroom in tears when the verdict was read, and said she would take the case to the highest court possible.

Ron appeared satisfied and relieved by the court's decision.

Posted by Bittle at 08:07 AM

January 16, 2006

Poem

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Not get into another fight
With that transvestite hooker, Mike.

(John Shearer) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:34 AM

January 13, 2006

Tread Head

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 13, 2006:

An aspiring politician had a lingering headache three days after a pickup truck ran over his head. "All I remember about it was that when the truck ran over my head, I could hear my bones crack," Ron said Thursday.

Ron, the founder and leader of the radical Ronatarian Party, and his second-in-command Brad were helping their friend "Evil" Steve Bonadio chop and load wood on Sunday. The two men were sitting on the tailgate of Bonadio's truck when he began backing down his gravel driveway and Ron either fell or jumped off.

Bonadio said he at first thought he ran over a piece of wood until he got out of the truck and saw Ron lying face down in the gravel. Then he stood up and ran into the house, Bonadio said.

"He didn't look too worse for wear," Bonadio said. "He was just saying he had a headache."

After spotting blood running out of the politico's ear, Bonadio drove him to the hospital. Ron was then transferred to another hospital, where tests revealed he had a slight hairline skull fracture. He also had roadrash on his neck and face, a black eye and a laceration on his ear canal. His trademark mustache remained unscathed.

Ron was released from the hospital Wednesday, suffering a stiff neck and a headache.

Safety advocates said the accident showed the dangers of letting people ride on tailgates. One said it was a "miracle" that Ron had not been injured worse.

"Maybe he has an exceptionally hard head," Bonadio said.

Posted by Bittle at 08:37 AM

January 11, 2006

Hide-And-Go-Brad

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 11, 2006:

A New Jersey man had to be rescued after becoming wedged in a washing machine while playing with his "nephews" on Tuesday.

Ronatarian Party co-founder Brad had to be pulled from the 18-pound capacity machine by a local fire fighter after he became trapped while playing hide-and-seek.

"I just hopped in there and couldn't even get the lid down and the kids came in and said, 'Ha, ha! We found you,'" Brad told the newspaper.

The New Jersey Spew reported that Brad was playing the children's game with three boys "unrelated to him." Brad claims the youths are his nephews; although records show that Brad has no brothers, sisters, or even first cousins.

"Something doesn't add up," said a local Child Welfare Services worker who chose to remain anonymous.

Brad waited for an hour with his knees pressed to his chest before being rescued by local fireman Dave Dillon, the newspaper said.

Rather than dismantling the washer, Dillon reached into the machine and pulled out Brad's wedged foot. To Dillon's surprise, Brad was not wearing any clothes when rescued.

Brad explained that his nudity was part of a "new variant" of hide-and-seek. An informal investigation is under way.

Posted by Bittle at 08:06 AM

January 10, 2006

Poem

I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog
after what it means to her, but I hate when she
asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

(Brad Simanek) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:29 AM

January 06, 2006

Moonlighting

Jersey City, New Jersey, January 6, 2006:

A Hudson County judge ruled Wednesday that the act of mooning is not illegal in New Jersey, clearing a man accused of indecent exposure after showing his buttocks to a neighbor during an argument.

Judge John W. Debelius III said the defendant, Ronatarian Party leader Ron, committed a "disgusting" and "demeaning" act when he allegedly exposed himself to his neighbor and her 8-year-old daughter June 7, 2005. But the judge overturned an earlier decision by a District Court judge against Ron.

"If exposure of half of the buttock constituted indecent exposure, any woman wearing a thong at the beach at Wildwood would be guilty," Debelius said, according to a report Thursday in The New Jersey Spew.

Ron's neighbor, Nanette Vandorp, accused him of yelling at her and threatening to "blow up my f*cking sh*t-shack" as she and her daughter walked out of their house. The two had a heated meeting the night before at the home owner's association, according to Ron's legal team -- Sepe & Shea LLP. Apparently, Ron wanted Vandorp off the board at any cost.

"Then, for whatever reason, in full view of my daughter, he mooned us," Vandorp wrote in court documents.

"He's one hairy individual," she commented later to a pair of clerks, who choose to remain anonymous.

Hudson District Court Judge Eugene Wolfe ruled against Ron on the indecent exposure claim, a charge that is punishable by up to three years in prison and a $1,000 fine.

Ron appealed, saying state law only covers display of a person's "private parts," which does not include the buttocks. His attorneys cited a 1983 case of a woman arrested in front of the U.S. Supreme Court with only a cardboard sign on the front of her body. An appeals court later ruled indecent exposure only relates to a person's genitals.

Prosecutors disagreed, saying New Jersey law is ambiguous.

"This was not a bathing suit scenario," said Hudson County prosecutor Dave Barnett. "This was a grown man exposing himself to an 8-year-old girl. ...And I hear this may not be the first time for that!"

Ron attorney Andrew Sepe said the Debelius ruling should "bring comfort to all beachgoers and plumbers" in the state.

Posted by Bittle at 07:49 AM

January 03, 2006

Poem

If I had a nickel for every paycheck I've
blown on cocaine and cheap hookers, I could
spend a whole weekend doing nothing but...
well, you probably see where this is headed.

(Donald Junter) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 10:02 AM