December 22, 2005

Buzzer Beater

West Orange, New Jersey, December 22, 2005

Perpetual also-ran Ron doesn't have a lot going for him. But he's got game. Ron, who has one of the lowest acceptance ratings of any New Jersey politician in history, won tickets to a New Jersey Nets game when he hit a half-court shot during halftime at a high school basketball game Wednesday.

The crowd roared, and in his best ESPN-highlight impersonation, Ron dropped to one knee, pumped his fist, high-fived his running mate Brad, and chest-bumped a player from Solomon Sphincter High School.

"I saw it was right on," he told The Star-Ledger of Newark for Thursday's newspapers. "Ninety-nine out of 100 people are short with the shot. You've got to get your legs into the shot."

Ron sounded like a pro describing his technique, but never excelled in the sport. He was cut from several youth teams growing up.

"Mostly for mouthing off," he commented.

Ron, who was at Wednesday's game to "review the cheerleading squad" bought a $1 raffle ticket to win the opportunity to take the shot. He plans to attend the game with longtime friend Brad.

Posted by Bittle at 08:04 AM

December 21, 2005

Poem

I don't think parents should tell kids the truth
about Santa and spoil all their innocent illusions.
Besides, did you see the short skirt that elf wore
to the trial? She was probably asking for it.

(Andrea Crain) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 11:05 PM

December 20, 2005

Holding It In

New York, New York, December 20, 2005:

Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is continuing his celibacy past his self-declared deadline.

The 35-year-old frontman earlier vowed to remain celibate for two years. Although that deadline expired six months ago, Cuomo still doesn't expect to jump back in the sack anytime soon.

"It's been two and a-half years now, actually," Cuomo tells Blender magazine in its new issue, on newsstands Tuesday. "The vow is over, but I wanted to keep cruising."

In a similar story, Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron has been celibate for over three years now. Whereas Cuomo's celibacy is by choice, Ron has had his celibacy forced upon him.

"It ain't no picnic," Ron said while downing whiskey sours at a downtown tavern. "I learned to block out my urges with politics and booze."

Though he's a lead singer for a popular rock band, the bespectacled Cuomo says it's not difficult to manage restraint.

"Abstinence doesn't require as much self-discipline anymore," he says. "We never had any serious groupies, anyway. Our generation got screwed."

"We got screwed?!?" Ron asked. "I'm the one not getting screwed. It's preposterous!"

Posted by Bittle at 08:13 AM

December 18, 2005

Poem

Sometimes I feel like Spider-man looking after
Mary Jane, to protect her from any problem.
Except I don't have any super-powers, her name is Beth
and the only problem she has is a stalker named Bob.

(Bob MacAllister) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 09:39 PM

December 14, 2005

Poem

I sometimes wonder what's better: to give 100%
effort and risk failure or not to try at all.
Then I think, "Who cares, I still get paid
over $30,000 a year to surf Internet porn
and shoot rubber-bands at my co-workers!"

(Dale Brown) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:59 AM

December 12, 2005

Senate Appointment

Why not Ron for Corzine's Senate seat?
By Esteban Bittlestein, December 12, 2005

Well, it took them long enough.

All that speculation these past months over whom Jon Corzine would appoint to fill out his U.S. Senate term if he won the governorship and only now does Ron's name come up?!?

Until a week ago, the only names being bandied about were those of losers and dorks -- specifically, three Democratic House members. Practically from the moment Corzine announced he would run, we knew Rep. Robert Menendez was interested. And hard on his heels came the stated interest of Rep. Rob Andrews and Rep. Frank Pallone.

Acting Gov. Richard Codey was discussed as well. But when he was asked, his answers ranged from flat-out no to only lukewarm interest.

Somewhere along the line Rep. Rush Holt's name got added to the list.

But nowhere did it seem to occur to anybody in the Democratic Boys Club that there might be a candidate outside of the norm -- and outside the party.

Until a week ago, that is, when Ronatarian Party leader Ron's name came up. Actually, I'm not even sure it came up. More likely the boys noticed him at the hotel bar with Corzine after he gave his victory speech on election night, and a light bulb (dim wattage no doubt) went on. Frankly, I don't know whether I'm more irked that the Democrats never even considered Ron or that the narrow range of its thinking might not give the voters their best alternative option for the future. By the way, "the future" is next year when this appointee almost certainly runs for a full six-year term against the likely Republican nominee, state Sen. Tom Kean Jr. Make no mistake, that's the real importance of this appointment -- not to keep the seat warm for a year but to position the holder for the 2006 election.

No question, Ron would make an interesting addition to the U.S. Senate, a body that has hardly any mustached radicals in its ranks. But, does Ron provide the diversity the position may be screaming for? Many in the state believe that Ron is just "not black enough." Nevertheless, Ron is the only charismatic alternative politician in New Jersey. He has a strong drinking record, he is popular with the masses, and his youthful exuberance may be just what the office needs right now. But, Ron constantly states that his ambitions lie in the White House, not the legislative house.

So, while I and others lament the fact that Ron was bypassed for the vacant U.S. Senate seat, we eagerly anticipate Ron's 2008 campaign for President of the United States of America.

Posted by Bittle at 08:08 AM

December 09, 2005

Poem

I have friends who seem to have it all:
A wonderful spouse, good kids, college
education, nice car, house, spiritual maturity,
high morals, etc. Sometimes I find myself
thinking, "Why can't I have a nice car, too?"

(E. Smith) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 07:44 PM

December 08, 2005

Taking Out the Garbage

Jersey City, New Jersey, December 8, 2005:

A man who fell asleep in a trash dumpster after a bout of heavy drinking had a lucky escape after he was tipped into the hydraulic press of a garbage truck, police said on Wednesday.

The man -- identified as Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron -- was only saved from being crushed when the truck's driver stopped to urinate before continuing his round. He quickly switched off the press after he heard swearing coming from the truck's interior.

"Ron admitted drinking a lot of booze the previous night and climbing into the container to seek refuge from the snow...when he passed out," Jersey City police said in a statement. Ron suffered only a minor head injury and mild shock -- not to mention the indignity of another embarrassing situation for him.

After a much-needed shower, Ron refused to comment on the incident.

Posted by Bittle at 07:56 AM

December 01, 2005

Poem

I realize drinking isn't the answer
to all of life's problems, but it
sure does a great job at solving
that "unattractive sex partner" one.

(Chester Ingraham) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:50 AM