November 28, 2005

Poem

Now that I'm a dad, I love playing silly games
with my daughter. Like "I spy, with my little eye...
something I want you to slip into your Britney
Spears backpack while I distract the clerk."

(Brad Osberg) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:50 AM

November 22, 2005

Pot Head

Cozumel, Mexico, November 22, 2005:

Mexicans have set up a shrine at a plant pot on the grounds of a beach resort on the Caribbean island of Cozumel after an image said to depict American politico Ron appeared on it following Hurricane Wilma a month ago,

A receptionist at the Occidental Grand resort noticed the image likened to Ron's face as shaken guests emerged from a storm shelter after huddling for three days while the hurricane hurled rain and debris.

Local media are calling it a miracle and draw a link between the apparition and the fact that none of the 200 guests had suffered so much as a bruise during the storm, which tore up other beach resorts on Cozumel, bit holes in concrete buildings, ripped up sections of highway, and flattened trees.

The image stands out clearly as a Ron-like face on the side of the enameled terra cotta planter -- whose plants also survived the storm despite being outside for its duration.

"The first person who saw it was a receptionist who had spent time in New Jersey visiting family there. Then the guests started coming to see it and before long people were 'whooping' and doing shots," said a security guard near the pot, which is roped off with a crimson cord strung between brass poles and has a simple candle burning in front of it.

"A lot of people wept when they saw it. There was a lot of emotion because it appeared after everyone spent three days together in the storm shelter," said the guard, declining to give his name.

The Occidental Grand, now closed to the public for minor repairs, was the only hotel on Cozumel not to evacuate its guests to the mainland before the hurricane, as it has a sturdy shelter which the security guard said was stocked with three months worth of food and liquor for 300 people.

Posted by Bittle at 08:02 AM

November 17, 2005

New Jersey and You...

Trenton, New Jersey, November 17, 2005:

New Jersey, long trying to overcome its reputation for mobsters, air-choking traffic, and toxic waste dumps, asked the public for a new image-boosting slogan and found some of its people share the same sardonic outlook as its detractors.

The public appeal yielded almost 6,200 entries before a deadline on Monday.

Though 90 percent of the submissions were sincere attempts to rescue the state's reputation, some perpetuated the image that marketers are trying to shrug off, state officials said.

Among the not-so-serious entries: "New Jersey: You Got a Problem With That?," "NJ: How You Doin'?!" and "New Jersey: You Want a F$%&in' Motto? I Got Yer F$%&in' Motto Right Here!"

Political corruption, a major theme in the governor's race won earlier this month by Democratic U.S. Senator Jon Corzine, was a favorite target.

"Sold to Corzine" said one, referring to the millions used by the former Wall Street executive to finance his campaign. Among the others were "New Jersey: We can always use another relative on the payroll," "Most of Our Elected Officials Have Not Been Indicted," and "Why should death end your voting rights?"

In the same vein, other submissions included mention of a little-known local politico named Ron, the leader of the radical Ronatarian Party. "If It's Good Enough for Ron, Why Won't You Move Here?," implored one slogan. Another read, "From Ol' Blue Eyes to Ron: Jersey Is Singing Your Song and Wearing Your Facial Hair."

Others seized on the state's pollution problems, with the entries: "Come to New Jersey -- it's not as bad as it smells," and "Toxic waste for all!"

The submissions will be whittled down to a handful in coming weeks and put out again for public approval. Acting Gov. Richard Codey expects to announce the winner by the time he leaves office in January.

The public consultation follows official rejection of a slogan for which the state paid image consultants Lippincott Mercer $260,000. That line: "New Jersey: We'll win you over," was scrapped the day before it was due to be unveiled because Codey thought it implied "that the state has something to prove," said Sean Darcy, a spokesman for the governor.

The state's marketing people are currently using "Get Away, Without Going Far Away," but tourism experts see that as unappealing to out-of-state markets.

On the state's Web site, Codey said slogan ideas were overwhelmingly positive. "Your home state means a lot to you, and you know all the things that make it such a special place," he said.

One writer seemed to recognize that it could be worse, offering: "New Jersey: Hey, at least it's not West Virginia!"

Posted by Bittle at 07:44 AM

November 15, 2005

Poem

As I look back at all the times I've gotten
together with old friends, it's worth noting
that not once has any of us ever said,
"Dude, you remember that time you stayed SO
sober and you did TOTALLY rational stuff?"

(Carl Knorr) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 05:56 PM

November 14, 2005

Boxed Turtle

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 14, 2005:

Ron just wanted to pour coffee into a canister. What he found in the package of freeze-dried coffee left him shell-shocked.

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron found a dead baby turtle in the 2-pound package of Folgers coffee on Sunday.

"I thought it was a toy at first," said Ron. "Then I looked again..."

Ron said he had been making coffee from the same package for a month before he made the discovery.

"It's a responsibility of the goddamn company to check their shipments closer," he said. "It could've been much more serious."

Ron said he doesn't plan to file a lawsuit against Folgers.

He said a customer service representative for the company dismissed the find, explaining that because many Folgers plants are based in New Orleans the turtle might have ended up in the coffee as a result of Hurricane Katrina.

Sussane Dussing, a spokeswoman for Procter & Gamble, the company that owns the Folgers brand, said it's too early to say how the turtle ended up in the coffee.

Dussing said she wasn't aware of other similar incidents and that Ron's discovery would be investigated.

Ron, who has kept the turtle and named it Bennett, said he would continue to drink coffee, but that he is now a more mindful consumer.

Things could have been worse, he said.

"It could've been a snake."

Posted by Bittle at 08:11 AM

November 10, 2005

Poem

I don't believe in organized religion, so I
joined a disorganized religion. Last Sunday,
the preacher overslept and arrived thirty
minutes late with no sermon, and then the
Ladies' Auxiliary lost the names of people
volunteering for next week's bake sale.

(Chris Lipe) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:40 AM

November 08, 2005

Deer Pong

Lake George, New York, November 8, 2005:

It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Ron killed a buck with his bare hands in his running mate's bedroom.

The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Ron finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at a rented cabin Monday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.

Ron, Brad, and other Ronatarian Party officials were spending some time at a retreat to plan their political futures. They had rented the cabin for a week of relaxation and political party planning discussions. They had just settled into a game of "beer pong" when they heard glass breaking. Ron went back to check on the noise and found the deer.

"I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when the deer came out of the bedroom," said Ron, demonstrating while peering around the kitchen wall. The deer ran down the hall and into Brad's bedroom -- "jumping back and forth across the bed."

"I could tell he was really tearing the place to sh*t back there," Ron said.

Ron entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his stunned officials to "call the police." After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Ron finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.

"He was trying to get up a corner wall and I just came in behind him and grabbed him by the horns and just started pushing down," said Ron. "Ornery critter, that one."

Ron, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead animal out of the house.

"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for awhile," Deputy Doug Gay said.

Warren County Sheriff Keith Fagg said that when he arrived he found the deer dead in the front yard. Ron intended to have the deer processed for its meat.

Gay said that, this time of year, bucks that see their reflection in windows often charge them, believing the mirror image to be a rival.

Posted by Bittle at 09:12 AM

November 02, 2005

Bite the Bullet

Jersey City, New Jersey, November 2, 2005:

Was the pig a victim of a drive-by shooting? That's one theory to explain how a bullet wound up in Ronatarian Party official Brad's pork loin casserole.

He said there was no mistaking the projectile's distinct shape in the pork loin he bought at an ACME grocery store.

Brad is a vocal fan of all pork products.

All meat is scanned with a metal detector before reaching ACME shelves, said Dwayne Stewart, spokesman for the company in New Jersey.

It's not clear how the scanners missed the bullet -- or how the bullet got in the pork loin in the first place.

Stewart said someone may have fired into a herd of grazing livestock.

According to the National Pork Association, professional slaughterhouses don't shoot animals, for employee safety and meat quality concerns.

Brad said he was satisfied with a $10 dollar refund and another fresh pork loin from ACME.

He said he didn't plan to sue because no one got hurt.

Posted by Bittle at 08:14 AM