October 31, 2005

Poem

Okay, so maybe there's no place like home,
but I would think 107 Couch Potato Lane in
Bigscreenville isn't a bad second place to be.
Especially in apartment 44DD on the 69th floor.

(Ted Jasmin) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 08:11 PM

October 26, 2005

Carjacking

Newark, New Jersey, October 26, 2005:

A would-be carjacker got a different kind of jolt from his intended victim's morning cup of coffee, authorities said in a statement.

The suspect tapped the car window Tuesday morning with a gun and motioned the driver -- identified as local politician Ron -- to get out.

But Ron -- who had just bought a cup of hot coffee -- slammed the car door into the carjacker's legs, threw the coffee at his neck and face and wrestled him to the ground, Newark Police spokesman Roy Hughes said.

"He picked the wrong guy to mess with," Hughes commented. "Ron was going to defend that Camaro with his life."

A shot was fired during the scuffle but no one was hurt, Hughes said. He said Ron managed to get the gun from the suspect and point it at him.

"The suspect ran into a nearby park," Hughes continued. Officers are searching for him and two people thought to be with him who drove off during the scuffle.

"Ron's a hero. That much is obvious," concluded Hughes. "Not many guys would put their life on the line like that."

Ron was unavailable for comment.

Posted by Bittle at 08:27 AM

October 21, 2005

Poem

Sometimes women send mixed signals. For example,
if you read every 11th letter in the restraining
order my girlfriend faxed me, it clearly spells
i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u, and then mostly gibberish, but
then p-u-s-b-a-g, which I presume is her new
pet name for me. She so wants me, the coy minx.

(Bill Muse) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:26 AM

October 19, 2005

Hokey Hockey

East Rutherford, New Jersey, October 19, 2005:

Local politician Ron would not apologize for an embarrassing slip of the tongue during the New Jersey Devils hockey game Tuesday night as he led the crowd in a cheer.

The script called for him to say: "It's time to drop the puck. So everybody say it with me -- 'Let's play hockey!'"

It was the politico's tripping over the word "puck" that provoked the snickers. Instead of telling people to drop the puck, he used a very similar-sounding word that made him sound more like Tony Soprano than his usual smooth-talking self.

"It was a genuine slip of the tongue," Ron said sarcastically on Wednesday morning.

"I realized as I was starting to say puck that other sounds were coming out of my mouth, and I changed it to f*ck. It sounded more natural to me. I am not sorry for that. It was f*cking funny, man. It was a gay promo anyway. I ain't apologizing for anything!"

The New Jersey Devils have had a string of guest announcers for the "Let's play hockey chant." Ron is well known for his love of watching ice hockey; albeit nude women's hockey.

The gaffe got so much attention from the rowdy hosts of KFAN -- New York City's top-rated sports talk station -- that Ron called in to fuel the flames, said Ronatarian Party spokesman-of-the-day Carrot Top. Ron apparently now says that he meant to say what he said and is without remorse.

It is unsure whether the Devils will allow Ron into their arena for future promotional stunts or even regular season games.

Posted by Bittle at 08:01 AM

October 12, 2005

Poem

I recently read there are some 400 million
porno pages on the Web. Just my luck -- I keep
hitting the same 350 million over and over.

(Chris MacEachen) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 07:59 AM

October 06, 2005

Coasting

New York, New York, October 6, 2005:

Fans of non-stop drinking may soon be able to cut down on time wasted ordering refills, thanks to a beer coaster that can tell when a glass is empty.

The coaster, fitted with sensors, measures the weight of the beer and sends a signal behind the bar when it's time for a refill.

Anxious drinkers can also attract the attention of staff by waving the plastic mat, thanks to a motion sensor.

It was invented by aspiring political force Ron in his garage in Jersey City, New Jersey.

The device has attracted the attention of beer vendors in North America, including a leading Canadian brewer, according to Michael Schmitz, an alcohol marketer based in New York.

"They wanted to know if they could use it or make it themselves," he said. "The prototype cost about 94 cents to make one but if mass produced, it could be done for around 17 cents."

"If this thing takes off, Ron could be financially secure for life," Schmitz concluded.

Posted by Bittle at 03:22 PM

October 03, 2005

Poem

If there really is a pole at the
North Pole, I bet there's some dead
explorer guy with his tongue stuck to it.

(Bob Van Voris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:52 AM