September 30, 2005

Unplanned Growth

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 30, 2005:

Local politician Ron received an unwelcome supply of Viagra pills by registered mail earlier this week. The delivery of the 500 pills of the impotence drug was very unexpected, he said.

The pills were charged to his credit card, which Ron believes was stolen while he was on vacation in Canada, according to the New Jersey State Police.

"I do see the humor in it, but it's kind of not the type of humor you'd want for yourself," Ron said Thursday. "It’s not 'ha-ha' funny. It's 'this sh*t is really annoying' kind of funny."

The company that issued the pills had a Canadian phone number, and the package had a return address in India.

All information gathered was sent to the FBI, and the unordered pharmaceuticals were destroyed.

Posted by Bittle at 10:12 AM

September 28, 2005

Poem

Word to the wise:
While skiing, always carry Viagra.
That may be the only way they'll be
able spot you after an avalanche.

(John Dockery) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 09:33 AM

September 27, 2005

All-American Slam

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, September 27, 2005:

A New Jersey man who claims his buttocks were burned by cleaning fluid when he sat on a toilet seat at a Clifton Heights Denny's restaurant has sued the chain and the franchise owner.

Ronatarian Brad of Jersey City alleges in the suit filed Wednesday in Philadelphia District Court that he had to be taken to a hospital after he used the toilet in February 2005. According to the suit, he did not see the chemical cleaner on the seat but felt it burn when he sat down.

The suit said Brad, a higher-up in a radical political movement based in New Jersey, suffered serious and maybe permanent injuries.

"Sadly, as a result of the chemical injury, nerves were injured that create a sensation of pain 24 hours a day," said lawyer Andrew Sepe. Because of his injuries, he said Brad has to take pain medication and wear undergarments designed for burn victims. "His ass is killing him…and not in a good way."

The suit, which names Denny's Corp. and Mojar Investments LLC, seeks more than $25,000 in damages. It alleges that Denny's employees were negligent in their use of the chemicals and their failure to warn customers of the danger.

John Erdmann, president of Mojar Investments, said he had not seen the lawsuit.

"I think it's a little premature to comment on any of this," he told the Philadelphia Inquirer. "But, I do hear that this Brad character is a queer. Who's to say his ass is not burning from something else?"

Debbie Atkins, a spokeswoman for Denny's Corp., told The Associated Press on Monday that the chain had not been served with the lawsuit.

"Since the lawsuit has been filed," she said, "the facts will be addressed through the legal system."

Posted by Bittle at 09:48 AM

September 21, 2005

Poem

The convent's pretty pond of pee...

The convent's pretty pond of pee
Is calling pious little me.
I want to bathe in that sweet bin,
Fresh, fragrant with the nuns' urine.
Disrobed, and moonlit spanky nude
I mingle in the transformed food.
Yea, urinely I join that flow
Whose glory may I hope to know!
Pee, wash me of all stain,
And I will come to thee again.

(Fred Sommer) @The Coffee Shop Times

Posted by Bittle at 08:38 AM

September 19, 2005

Mike's Hard Lemonade

Newark, New Jersey, September 19, 2005:

A convenience store worker has admitted urinating into a soda bottle, causing a customer who drank from it to become violently ill, his bosses say.

Publix Super Markets spokesman Dwaine Stevens said the accused employee -- Mike Watt -- who works at a Pix Convenience Store in Newark, was suspended after the company learned of the incident this week. An internal investigation is being completed.

Lab tests done by Publix on the contaminated Mountain Dew confirmed the soda contained urine, Stevens said. The supermarket giant owns the Pix chain.

"It is an isolated incident done by one of our associates," Stevens said. "Whatever measure is necessary, it will be executed and the employee will be dealt with."

Publix has not filed a criminal complaint against Watt, but the option has not been ruled out, Stevens said.

The victim, local radical politician Ron, became suspicious of the drink after he chugged the beverage last week, his attorney Andrew Sepe said.

"He vomited three or four times afterward," commented Sepe. "It gummed up his mustache something awful."

Sepe said that upon the advice of an infectious-disease doctor, Ron was being tested for diseases such as gonorrhea, AIDS, and hepatitis C.

"We're hopeful that the person who did this wasn't carrying any sexual, or otherwise, virus that could cause Ron harm," Sepe said. "Unfortunately, the doctors were very concerned."

Posted by Bittle at 03:46 PM

September 16, 2005

Poem

It seems like that for every step forward
I take in my alcohol-recovery program, I
take two steps back -- then three to the
side, then about a half-dozen around in a
little circle until I fall flat on my ass.

(Tooter Day) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 01:33 PM

September 14, 2005

More Than One Way to Skin a Dead Cat

Newark, New Jersey, September 14, 2005:

A inventor said he has developed a method to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a local newspaper story implying he also used dead cats.

Ron -- a politician, tinkerer, inventor and patent holder of the "RON 5000" that he said produces high quality fuel -- said he can transform waste products such as paper, garbage, and plastic materials into fuel.

But Ron said there was no truth to stories published in The New Jersey Spew Tuesday and Wednesday that suggested he used dead cats as part of the mix for his organic diesel fuel.

"I use paper, plastics, textiles, and rubbish," Ron told Reuters.

"It's an alternative fuel that is friendly for the environment. But it's complete nonsense to suggest dead cats. I've never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in."

The New Jersey Spew's Tuesday headline was: "Loony local inventor can turn cats into fuel -- for a tank he needs 20 cats." The paper on Wednesday followed up with a story entitled: "Can you really make fuel out of cats?"

A spokesman for The New Jersey Spew told Reuters the story was meant to show that cat remains could "in theory" be used to make fuel with Ron's patented method.

The author of the story said Ron had never told him directly that he had used dead cats as the story implied.

Ron says his patented "RON 5000" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about $1.50 per gallon, which is about one-half the price at gas stations now.

"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Ron is quoted saying in The New jersey Spew, next to a large picture of a kitten. "I have gone 106,000 miles without a problem...but I don't use dead cats."

Posted by Bittle at 04:12 PM

September 13, 2005

The Cable Guy

Jersey City, New Jersey, September 13, 2005:

Ron said he got bounced around by his cable company when he called to complain. He made dozens of calls and was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish -- a language he doesn't understand.

But when he got his August bill from Comcast he had no trouble understanding he'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Scrotum Bag."

"I was like you got to be fist-f*cking me," said Ron. "I was so mad I couldn't even f*cking cuss."

Ron said the only thing he did to Comcast employees that might be considered rude came after a few dozen calls when he felt he was treated shabbily. "I did tell them, 'You know what, it has to be a qualification to work for your company that you have to be rude,'" he said.

"Or it might have been the time I insulted the dude's family by saying I'd piss on his dead grandmother's grave if I knew where she was buried."

Ron said he talked to a supervisor and he offered him two months free service, which he turned down.

Finally Monday, about two weeks after he got his bill, somebody from the company left a message on his answering machine in which the caller apologized.

Comcast officials said it shouldn't have happened.

"We only use the actual customers names on the bill," said Patricia Andrews-Keenan, a Comcast spokeswoman.

Company officials went through the records and identified two people who were involved with the name change and fired them, Andrews-Keenan said. It's unknown why the employees did it.

Posted by Bittle at 08:51 AM

September 01, 2005

Poem

Poem From a Peeping Tom

I saw her sitting in
her third floor
window reading
the poems I sent

she leafed through
them for a while
and then she went
into a tight hunch

not moving for
several minutes
as I waited below
in the bushes

thinking soon she might
toss a sigh or maybe
a sob of recognition

but all I heard was sirens
of twin patrol cars
coming from the bowels
of a bad city.

(John Birkbeck) @The Coffee Shop Times

Posted by Bittle at 08:20 AM