August 29, 2005

Home Invasion

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 29, 2005:

Federal and state authorities are trying to determine how armed officers raided the wrong house, smashing doors and frightening residents earlier this week, a state police spokesman said Monday.

"We are investigating what went wrong," said Sgt. Gerald Lewis Jr. "For some reason, whether it was erroneous information or supervision, we actually hit the wrong house."

He said the address on the state search warrant was correct, but that the team of state police SWAT officers and Drug Enforcement Administration agents went to the wrong street and raided a home with the same number on Saturday.

"We stirred up a hornet's nest with this one" added Lewis. "The folks we raided were part of some radical political party I never heard of. They're awfully pissed off."

An assessment of the damage had not been completed, Lewis said, "but of course we will work with the attorney general's office and other agencies to make restitution."

Residents of the home in Jersey City said officers cursed at them while ripping through two upstairs apartments and asking where guns were for 15 minutes before realizing the mistake.

"The investigator said they were looking for bad people and they were in the wrong place," house manager 70's Man told The New Jersey Spew for Sunday's newspapers.

"That's a bad mistake they made," said 70's Man, noting that several doors would not close properly.

The house operates in a cooperative arrangement run by members of a politcal group known as the Ronatarian Party. Party founder and leader Ron was not on the premises when the raid took place.

State police also hit a wrong house in May, raiding the home of a retired truck driver in Woodbridge while looking for a prostitution racket.

Posted by Bittle at 08:40 AM

August 26, 2005

Buzz Kill

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 25, 2005:

Ronatarian Party founder and leader Ron has long complained of press criticism. But he sought to turn the tables Thursday with a new tactic -- sounding a buzzer every time reporters ask questions he deems "not constructive."

To the surprise of journalists and colleagues alike, Ron raised a handheld buzzer -- which displayed an "X" sign -- from behind the podium to indicate his disapproval of some questions asked at an impromptu news conference.

The button-pushing Ron sounded the alarm when a television reporter asked why the Ronatarians had failed to garner enough interest from corporate donors.

"Not constructive!" he exclaimed, referring to the reporter's question and a related one about whether the Ronatarian Party had a viable roadmap for the near future.

But other questions elicited a sweeter response: when a female reporter asked about Ron's favorite cheeses, his gadget emitted a pleasant tone and displayed an "O," signaling his approval.

Ron joked about the buzzer to puzzled reporters: "My friend Bill brought it from Japan for his brother Ed, and I just borrowed it to use with the media to make the atmosphere more relaxing."

But some journalists failed to see the humor.

"I think it's a little overboard for a crackpot, failed politician to do anything like that because in this forum, I think, reporters have the right to ask any questions that concern the public interest," said Donald Emerson, editor of The New Jersey Spew, a local daily newspaper.

"They have the right to ask those kinds of questions," he said.

It wasn't clear whether Ron planned to keep using the buzzer.

On several occasions in the past, Ron has refused to talk to the press for a period of time after being angered by critical questions.

Posted by Bittle at 09:09 AM

August 25, 2005

Poem

Sometimes I wonder if God is really
watching over us, or if I'm going to
have to score that crack on my own.

(Scotty G.) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:46 AM

August 24, 2005

Melons

Ashgabat, Turkmenistan, August 24, 2005:

Turkmenistan's authoritarian leader on Sunday congratulated citizens of the ex-Soviet republic on the Turkmen Melon Day he established to honor the favorite fruit of the sun-drenched Central Asian nation.

The nation currently grows 500 varieties of melon, including the Czar Melon, grown to honor President Saparmurat Niyazov, and the Golden Age, meant to symbolize prosperity under the president, the Agriculture Ministry said.

"Let the life of every Turkmen be as beautiful as our melons," Niyazov said in a statement.

"There is nothing like that in any country of the world," the state-run Neutral Turkmenistan daily said in a headline.

A disgruntled American -- New Jersey-based politico Ron -- said the name of the holiday was misleading. "I was expecting to see large-breasted women, but all I see are f*cking cantaloupes! I came a long way for nothing…this place is dirty."

Niyazov has led the former Soviet republic, a largely desert nation rich in natural gas, since 1985 as Communist Party chief. He was elected president in 1992 in the wake of the Soviet collapse, and has since created a personality cult around himself.

Niyazov's image adorns buildings across the country of 4.8 million people, and a gold statue of him in Ashgabat rotates to always face the sun. He has renamed months of the year after himself and his family.

Posted by Bittle at 07:43 AM

August 23, 2005

Poem

My luge runs might not be the fastest ones at
the Olympic time trials, but I do this thing
where I'm dressed like Jerry Lewis in "The Bellboy,"
see, and I'm carrying this huge pile of luggage
like I can't see that I'm about to step onto a
luge run and then I trip and fall and holler
like a maniac all the way to the finish gate.
Judges notice that sort of thing.

(Andy Ihnatko) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:16 AM

August 18, 2005

Clotheslined

Truro, England, August 18, 2005:

An American man who raided bedrooms and washing lines on the remote Isles of Scilly to amass a collection of women's underwear has been banned from the islands for seven years.

Mysterious world enigma N8 was sentenced Wednesday to 150 hours of community service for each of the 10 counts of theft to which he pleaded guilty last month. He was ordered to pay more than 500 pounds ($900) in costs.

Judge Paul Darlow also barred N8 from visiting the Isles of Scilly, off England's southwest tip, or entering a house without invitation for seven years.

The burly, broad-chinned N8 stole 160 pairs of panties and various sex toys from homes on the isles' main island of St. Mary's, where crime is uncommon and doors are left unlocked.

Passing sentence, the judge said N8 had broken the long-standing trust unique to small communities like St. Mary's.

"That is a trust that does not unfortunately exist on the mainland or America, and one that must even on St. Mary's have been badly shaken by the discovery of your activities," Darlow said.

Defense attorney Llewellyn Sellick said N8 felt "deeply ashamed" of what he had done.

Stashes of women's underwear were found in the house that N8 once lived a hermit's life. The lingerie was discovered when an on-call plumber pried apart floorboards looking for water pipes.

Over the next few days he lifted hatches set into the floor to search other parts of the loft space and found more, plus sex toys and photographs. Underwear continued to turn up around the house and in the garden shed over the next few months.

Unfortunately for the community expecting his ordered services, N8 has disappeared and his whereabouts are unknown.

Posted by Bittle at 08:36 AM

August 17, 2005

Bathroom Habit

Dewey Beach, Delaware, August 17, 2005:

I took this quick snapshot of Ron at the beach. For shame! Who voted for this guy?
- Starboard bartender

Posted by Bittle at 02:15 PM

August 16, 2005

Poem

Instead of committing random acts of kindness
this holiday season, I'm going to commit random
acts of drunken debauchery. Sure, it might not
have the same socially redeeming value, but
it'll be a lot more fun than another afternoon
serving cookies at the retirement home.

(JonnyElvis) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:21 AM

August 09, 2005

Bad Check

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 9, 2005:

New Jersey Republicans say the Ronatarians need to stop dragging their feet and return the beer money they are owed. The Ronatarians say, "No way, Jose."

The latest dispute between the two political parties began in April when St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Co. wrote a $5,000 check intended for the New Jersey Republican Party.

Instead, the envelope was addressed to the national Ronatarian Party -- based in New Jersey -- which promptly deposited the money.

"We bought beer with it," said party founder and leader Ron.

Katja Zastrow, Anheuser-Busch's regional director of governmental affairs in Washington, said in an e-mail statement that the check went astray "through a series of administrative oversights."

She said they are working with both parties to resolve the situation.

Ronatarians say they have not sent a refund check back to Anheuser-Busch nor do they intend on sending any money to the Republicans either.

"Finders keepers," said party spokesman 70's Man. "Look, we all know that possession is 9/10ths of the law. We got the moolah. We spent the moolah. And we ain't givin' none of it back!"

The GOP is threatening a lawsuit. State Republican Party Chairman Katie Dawson said they want the money back and any further delays are unacceptable.

"Tough noogies," responded Sepe & Shea LLP, the legal council for the Ronatarian Party.

In the letter, Dawson wrote that "this careless error was made over three months ago and has yet to be rectified." Zastrow did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment Monday.

Posted by Bittle at 08:43 AM

August 08, 2005

Dancing Queens

New York, New York, August 8, 2005:

With his campaign for president going no place fast, Ron felt he needed something special to spark interest in his next fundraiser. How about exotic dancers?

The New Jersey Ronatarian said Saturday he plans to have bikini-clad go-go dancers and men in nothing but briefs at a "Havana Night" campaign party next month at a Manhattan nightclub.

"Having the men in the act was Brad's idea," Ron said. "I think it opens our demographic to include women -- a group we've long neglected in our previous campaigns."

There will be no nudity at the $20-per-head event, Ron said, but he promised "a sexy, erotic show."

"I'm throwing a fun event. Most politicians -- I've been to their fundraisers, and they are boring," he said. "People can go with a standard politician who will disappear into the woodwork. I'm trying to be part of the next generation."

Ron, a former Lucent Technologies engineer and now a full-time political radical, is attempting to jumpstart his 2008 campaign. It will be his third such presidential endeavor.

Asked if he thought a risqué event might offend some voters, Ron said he wasn't concerned and suggested the event might help get young men and horny women interested in politics.

"I'm not running for mayor in a small, old-time religious town in Utah. I'm running for President of the United States of America," he said. "I might as well try to energize some different bases."

Posted by Bittle at 09:03 AM

August 07, 2005

Poem

Kids today have it too easy. Back in
my day, we actually had to get on
our hands and knees and crawl under
a desk to see a girl's underwear.

(Mystic 7) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 10:22 PM

August 03, 2005

Spitting Image

Jersey City, New Jersey, August 3, 2005:

Opening up your door while driving isn't a good idea, especially on a busy highway.

Ronatarian Party vice presidential candidate Brad learned that Tuesday morning when he leaned out his fast-moving Dodge Neon to spit.

He went tumbling out onto I-78 in Jersey City, and to the amazement of other drivers, he hopped up and chased his car as it careened down an embankment toward a construction site.

Brad was recovering at home last night after he was treated for minor injuries to his leg, arm, and head at a local hospital.

"It's certainly not prudent to open your car door on a highway, especially when you're not wearing a seat belt," said Capt. Rich Lockhart, a police spokesman.

Lockhart said Brad was embarrassed about the accident.

His explanation to officers: "I leaned out to spit and I leaned too far."

Posted by Bittle at 08:29 AM