July 29, 2005

Poem

If I were to succumb to the dark side
of the Force, I wouldn't bother trying
to rule the entire galaxy or anything
like that. I'd be perfectly content using
it just to get laid once in awhile.

(Gus Harris) @ruminate.com

Posted by Bittle at 08:25 AM

July 22, 2005

Calling All Virgins

Jersey City, New Jersey, July 22, 2005:

A wanna-be lawmaker is offering to pay university fees for girls who are virgins when they graduate from high school.

"We want to encourage chicks not to give 'it' up too soon and not to go into early marriages. We also want girls to resist defilement. We do not want these broads to get exposed to AIDS or STDs," Ronatarian Ron said Thursday.

Ron said he was counting on the state and private donors to help pay for the project.

"The criterion is that a student must be a virgin and from New Jersey," Ron summarized.

Health workers New Jersey would conduct gynecological examination on girls who want to take part in the project. Ron also offered to personally perform private screenings of the young women in a relaxed and cozy atmosphere.

Once in school, Ron said he planned on visiting the girls in their dormitories on the weekends to check up on their progress.

His offer does not extend to young men. Rumor has it that Ronatarian Party number two man Brad is formulating a similar plan for male students.

Posted by Bittle at 08:45 AM

July 13, 2005

Drug Lord

Mexico City, Mexico, July 13, 2005:

A man held for three days on suspicion of being the head of an infamous drug cartel will be released because DNA tests prove he is a law-abiding U.S. politician, Mexico said on Wednesday.

Radical American politician Ron was arrested last weekend during a trip to a Mexico City shopping mall. He was suspected of being Vicente Carrillo, the notorious drug chief of the Juarez cartel on the U.S.-Mexico border.

"I'm here on vacation and I go to the mall to get an Orange Julius and the f*cking 'Federales' jump on me like Canadians on bacon!" a visibly shaken Ron said as he was released from custody. "If you don't think this has 'international incident' written all over it, you're severely mistaken."

Protected government witnesses had said Ron was Carrillo. But DNA tests showed he was not the criminal capo with a $5 million price tag on his head from the U.S. government.

"It was decided to lift the cautionary arrest order after the genetic test results, despite the two testimonies that identified him as Vicente Carrillo," the Attorney General's office said in a statement.

Carrillo, who has reportedly had extensive plastic surgery to change his appearance, is the brother of Amado Carrillo, whose own attempt at plastic surgery led to his death on the operating table in 1997.

The government had said it had information linking Ron with a Mexico City property owned by Amado Carrillo.

After the arrest, Ronatarian Party members and supporters of Ron bombarded Mexican television and radio stations with calls, saying the government had the wrong man.

On Wednesday officials said the only link between Ron and Carrillo's property was a loose Ronatarian Party flier on the kitchen counter.

Posted by Bittle at 07:46 AM

July 12, 2005

Up the Creek Via Paddling

Newark, New Jersey, July 12, 2005:

Three strippers and two nightclub managers have been arrested for allegedly spanking a failed politician at a raucous party and severely bruising his backside.

After his friends paid $50, Ronatarian Party #2 man Brad was handcuffed and spanked with a 3-foot-long paddle and a belt while one of the strippers restrained his head with her legs, investigators with the Newark Police Department said.

Kelly Erlich, 21, a stripper at Signatures nightclub in Newark admitted to police that she used a studded paddle while the two other dancers, Lisa Nolan, 23, and Charlene Smithers, 23, used the belt.

The three women were charged with misdemeanor battery, and they and two other club employees -- James Doolittle, 31, and Dennis Mitchell, 30 -- were charged with participating in an obscene performance at a live public show, a felony punishable by up to 10 years in prison.

Doolittle had planned to have patrons sign a waiver releasing the club from liability, but investigators said the club has agreed to discontinue all spankings. All five club employees were arraigned Monday, then released after receiving an August 4 court date in Essex County Court.

Brad and other Ronatarian Party officials refused to comment on the incident; although it has been speculated that Brad has not sat down since the paddling.

Posted by Bittle at 07:55 AM

July 11, 2005

Poem

If they don't want you to lie on the floor
and peek in, they shouldn't make the ladies'
dressing room doors so high off the ground.

(Nick Smith) @ruminate.com

Posted by Ron's Dentist at 12:24 AM