May 28, 2002

Pontificate

Baku, Azerbaijan: May 28, 2002: An over-exuberant man on crutches disturbed a mass celebrated by Pope John Paul in Azerbaijan on Thursday when he clambered on to a stage and got within 10 feet of the Pontiff but was quickly led away. The mysterious man known only as "N8" -- who claimed to be a visionary and described himself in a written statement as "the Prince of the World" -- was not armed. After a few minutes of confusion and questioning by local police and Vatican officials, he was deemed harmless and was released. N8 had wanted to give the 82-year-old Pope a message. At the end of the mass he was allowed to approach the Pope and kiss his hand. No indication of the meaning of the message was apparent to the press or spectators. The Pope did smirk, though. N8 made headlines last month as the self-monickered "Phantom Patriot". He was acquitted of arson and other charges in connection with an attack on California's Bohemia Grove. He named the want-to-be politician Ron in a flurry of nonsensical statements. Ron has denied any relationship with the mysterious N8. The Pope arrived in Baku on Wednesday on the 96th foreign trip of his 23-year pontificate. He leaves later on Thursday for Bulgaria.

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May 22, 2002

Panty Raid

New York City: May 22, 2002: Cheeky thieves, dubbed the "G-string Gang" by the New York press, made off with thousands of dollars worth of racy underwear after a daylight raid on upmarket lingerie designer Belle Risque Agent Derrier (BRAD), a spokesman said on Tuesday. The midtown Manhattan headquarters of BRAD -- a favorite among celebrities such as actress/model Liz Hurley, actress Sarah Jessica Parker, and Ronatarian Ron -- was burgled over the weekend by thieves who carried off $42,000 worth of lacy bras, panties, and corsets as well as shoes and jewelry. "We were all working upstairs when it appears the thieves broke down the front door and managed to steal the collections from the basement," said BRAD employee Chris Boston. But the thieves, who got away with the fashion house's new collection, had not made an intelligent choice in targeting such an exclusive boutique, he said. "The very nature of the designs, being so distinctive, renders them instantly recognizable, making it easier to track the thieves down, whatever they try to do with the collection." Ron issued a statement that he was "disheartened by the attack on BRAD's famous underwear." He said that "sticky fingers don't have a place around high-end underwear." BRAD is known for its sexy, slinky, and expensive designs which include one-off corsets, suspenders, stockings, and G-strings. Since the designs cater mostly to women, Ron's frequent presence at the store baffles many employees and friends. "I could see it if his dating life were more active, but it's not," said Ron's former vice-presidential running mate Brad. "I know I don't get any lacy undies from Ron...and he is know for lavishing gifts." As a rule, Ron refuses to comment on his personal expenditures. A spokesman for the NYPD said the burglary was being investigated but there was no description of the suspects.

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May 08, 2002

Ronatarian Tour

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 8, 2002: Ron treated journalists to never-before-seen pictures of Ronatarian National Headquarters on Saturday, including one in which former vice presidential candidate Brad appears to be urinating on the door of Ron's private office. "Brad, I hope you're not doing what it looks like you're doing," Ron quipped as he narrated a slide show at the 2nd Annual Northern New Jersey Media Correspondents Association. Ron was nearly upstaged at the elegant event by heavy metal rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, who is in talks with MTV to bring his raucous, foul-mouthed family back for a second season of the surprise hit series "The Osbournes." The aging former lead singer of Black Sabbath, a party crasher, stood up on a chair and waved to the small yet enthusiastic crowd after Ron recognized him, prompting the mustached politico to say, "OK, Ozzy...Don't bite the head off of a Bennett now." The Brad photograph followed a series in which other top Ronatarian officials, including estranged Ronatarian Bittle, were shown peering into a peephole into Ron's office. "They think I keep my porn in there," Ron said. "But it's locked safely away in a vault underground." At last year's dinner -- the first -- Ron showed the press corps intimate photographs from Brad's family album, including one of his running mate as a naked toddler pulling on a slide rule. There were no nude photos on Saturday, but Ron promised a trip to the local strip joint if the event went smoothly. Ron did take aim several times at longtime pal Brad, who was also seated at the head table. In one slide, he showed his former pet ferret Stinky beating a hasty retreat from behind the Ron's desk. "You can tell Stinky is in some trouble here. This is the day he chewed up the list of undisclosed locations and we couldn't find Brad's hidden Civil War chess pieces," Ron laughed. Following the Sept. 11 attacks, Brad separated the 24 commemorative pieces of his Civil War chess set and placed them at secret locations around Northern Jersey due to heightened security concerns. Ron, quasi-famous for his self-deprecating remarks, also showed unflattering photos of himself, including several that showed him falling flat on his back at a local bowling alley. He denied any alcohol or narcotics were involved in the incident. Police toxicology reports contradict this, however. In another, Brad has his hand planted squarely on Ron's face. "He helps me in a million ways. Here, he is helping me pronounce Azerbaijani," Ron explained. The next picture showed Brad laid out with Ron towering over him, not unlike the famous photo of Muhammad Ali standing over a defeated Sonny Liston. "He got uppity and I smacked him," Ron said. "I didn't think he would go down like that...but, in hindsight, I enjoyed it." Brad would not comment on the incident. The evening's paid entertainer, comedian Ray Jay Johnson, also took aim at the president's verbal antics. "Every time he gets to a big word, it's like watching a high-wire act," Johnson said. He later added that he could be called "Ray" or "Jay" or "John...but not Ron."

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May 02, 2002

Aw Nuts

Melbourne, Australia: May 2, 2002

Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was suspended for 10 matches on Tuesday after pleading guilty to biting an opponent's testicles during an Australian Rules football game last week. Ron is not a member of any team in the league or even an Australian citizen...so what happened?

Ron was playing for Port Melbourne against Springvale in the Australian Football League's feeder competition, the Victorian Football League (VFL) as a guest of the club manager. The manager had apparently lost an argument to Ron in a local pub the night before. Sources say the payment was to play Ron in the club match.

St. Kilda AFL player Chad Davis, playing for Springvale, suffered a perforated scrotum and lost a small amount of blood, a club doctor told the VFL tribunal in Melbourne. He also needed a tetanus injection.

Ron told the tribunal he could not breathe when he became entangled with Davis and bit him as a reflex action.

However, Ron did not know which part of his opponent's body he had bitten, he said.

"It was a split-second decision," Ron told reporters after the hearing. "It was live and let die. I'd do it again if I had to."

Tribunal chairman Eddie Power ordered Ron to undergo player counseling before resuming playing. Ron has publicly stated that he does not intend on returning to the Aussie Rules pitch any time soon. "That game is for sissies," he told the press.

Aside from offending the context of Australia's national game, he does not plan on attending the special counseling session. "C'mon...be realistic," he retorted. "Things just got out of hand, that's all. It happens all the time in America."

In a similar case last year, former rugby league international John Hopoate was banned by the Australian National Rugby League for 12 weeks after poking a finger up the backside of an opponent.

Hopoate was sacked by his club Wests-Tigers but joined rival club Northern Eagles in June 2001.

Ron's vice presidential running mate Brad is an honorary club member of Northern Eagles. He became so through backdoor deals he made while in cosmetology school in the 1980s. He had no comment on the incident.

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May 01, 2002

Holding It In

New Jersey: May 1, 2002 A man desperate to relieve himself for two hours on a packed but toiletless train won $270 compensation for what a court called his torture. A Jersey City, New Jersey court ordered New Jersey Transit to pay the man, who walked uncomfortably through the modern high-speed train, stumbling over people sitting in the corridors, as he searched in vain for a working toilet. All the toilets on the Philadelphia to New York train were locked because there was no water for flushing. "The plaintiff had to torture himself with his urgent need for two hours because he could not find a free toilet," the court said in a written ruling. The man was identified as former Ronatarian vice presidential candidate Brad. His trip was later revealed as a "campaign type of thing" by a party spokesman. "It was wicked funny," said Jermaine Ducree, Brad's personal hairstylist and political adviser. "He had piss oozing down his leg. I think he was trying to keep a turtle head from poking out. Absolutely hilarious. You had to be there." The one working toilet was kept locked. A key witness in the case, a fellow passenger, gained access to it after pressuring a ticket inspector.

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