Ronatarian Tour

Jersey City, New Jersey: May 8, 2002: Ron treated journalists to never-before-seen pictures of Ronatarian National Headquarters on Saturday, including one in which former vice presidential candidate Brad appears to be urinating on the door of Ron's private office. "Brad, I hope you're not doing what it looks like you're doing," Ron quipped as he narrated a slide show at the 2nd Annual Northern New Jersey Media Correspondents Association. Ron was nearly upstaged at the elegant event by heavy metal rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, who is in talks with MTV to bring his raucous, foul-mouthed family back for a second season of the surprise hit series "The Osbournes." The aging former lead singer of Black Sabbath, a party crasher, stood up on a chair and waved to the small yet enthusiastic crowd after Ron recognized him, prompting the mustached politico to say, "OK, Ozzy...Don't bite the head off of a Bennett now." The Brad photograph followed a series in which other top Ronatarian officials, including estranged Ronatarian Bittle, were shown peering into a peephole into Ron's office. "They think I keep my porn in there," Ron said. "But it's locked safely away in a vault underground." At last year's dinner -- the first -- Ron showed the press corps intimate photographs from Brad's family album, including one of his running mate as a naked toddler pulling on a slide rule. There were no nude photos on Saturday, but Ron promised a trip to the local strip joint if the event went smoothly. Ron did take aim several times at longtime pal Brad, who was also seated at the head table. In one slide, he showed his former pet ferret Stinky beating a hasty retreat from behind the Ron's desk. "You can tell Stinky is in some trouble here. This is the day he chewed up the list of undisclosed locations and we couldn't find Brad's hidden Civil War chess pieces," Ron laughed. Following the Sept. 11 attacks, Brad separated the 24 commemorative pieces of his Civil War chess set and placed them at secret locations around Northern Jersey due to heightened security concerns. Ron, quasi-famous for his self-deprecating remarks, also showed unflattering photos of himself, including several that showed him falling flat on his back at a local bowling alley. He denied any alcohol or narcotics were involved in the incident. Police toxicology reports contradict this, however. In another, Brad has his hand planted squarely on Ron's face. "He helps me in a million ways. Here, he is helping me pronounce Azerbaijani," Ron explained. The next picture showed Brad laid out with Ron towering over him, not unlike the famous photo of Muhammad Ali standing over a defeated Sonny Liston. "He got uppity and I smacked him," Ron said. "I didn't think he would go down like that...but, in hindsight, I enjoyed it." Brad would not comment on the incident. The evening's paid entertainer, comedian Ray Jay Johnson, also took aim at the president's verbal antics. "Every time he gets to a big word, it's like watching a high-wire act," Johnson said. He later added that he could be called "Ray" or "Jay" or "John...but not Ron."

Posted by Webmaster at May 8, 2002 11:16 PM

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