Aw Nuts

Former Ronatarian presidential candidate Ron was suspended for 10 matches on Tuesday after pleading guilty to biting an opponent's testicles during an Australian Rules football game last week. Ron is not a member of any team in the league or even an Australian citizen...so what happened?

Ron was playing for Port Melbourne against Springvale in the Australian Football League's feeder competition, the Victorian Football League (VFL) as a guest of the club manager. The manager had apparently lost an argument to Ron in a local pub the night before. Sources say the payment was to play Ron in the club match.

St. Kilda AFL player Chad Davis, playing for Springvale, suffered a perforated scrotum and lost a small amount of blood, a club doctor told the VFL tribunal in Melbourne. He also needed a tetanus injection.

Ron told the tribunal he could not breathe when he became entangled with Davis and bit him as a reflex action.

However, Ron did not know which part of his opponent's body he had bitten, he said.

"It was a split-second decision," Ron told reporters after the hearing. "It was live and let die. I'd do it again if I had to."

Tribunal chairman Eddie Power ordered Ron to undergo player counseling before resuming playing. Ron has publicly stated that he does not intend on returning to the Aussie Rules pitch any time soon. "That game is for sissies," he told the press.

Aside from offending the context of Australia's national game, he does not plan on attending the special counseling session. "C'mon...be realistic," he retorted. "Things just got out of hand, that's all. It happens all the time in America."

In a similar case last year, former rugby league international John Hopoate was banned by the Australian National Rugby League for 12 weeks after poking a finger up the backside of an opponent.

Hopoate was sacked by his club Wests-Tigers but joined rival club Northern Eagles in June 2001.

Ron's vice presidential running mate Brad is an honorary club member of Northern Eagles. He became so through backdoor deals he made while in cosmetology school in the 1980s. He had no comment on the incident.

Posted by Ron at May 2, 2002 11:08 PM

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